H was a fairly prominent man in our community; OW worked for him. I know that she instigated the A(not an excuse...just a fact);and he definitely DID NOT sexually harass her. Our families were close friends and because of what the OW and her H are telling people, others are figuring out what has occurred. I know that within days it will be spreading like wildfire. I hate having my life as an open book, but I know I have no control over it. Anyone been in this situation...how do you deal with friends and acquaintances who may know (or may not know)? Our closest friends already know and unfortunately are also being questioned. I hate that they've been put in that position. I don’t want to bring the topic up to anyone...and I’m sure no one is going to say anything to me...but still, I know I will feel uncomfortable when I know what they are thinking. I guess we could move, but as much as I don’t want to face what is happening, I feel like you can run, but you cannot hide. It seems wherever my H and I go...we always run into someone he knows. Just 2 years ago, there was a huge reception for his retirement...and now humiliation...all his fault; but the embarrassment is really hard for me to deal with. Ideas anyone?

I was in a position where I, WS, and OW worked in the same office.  (Long story).  I believed others in the office new of the A also and that there was talk going about.  I confronted H and had a very difficult time coping in the office.  I coped by trying to stay focused on my work  As hard as it was, my only satisfaction at the time was the fact that everytime I ran into her I was able to hold my head up because I had nothing to be ashamed of.  She however ducked her head, avoided eye contact, and rushed away without speaking a word.  This was the behavior of the woman who was the office cheerlead and wanted to seem to be everybody's best friend. 

My only advice is to hold your head up.  You know the truth, you know what is going on.  You did not create this mess.  If anyone actually has enough backbone to ask you directly about the rumors reply with whatever you need to, a simple response enough, perhaps something like "Yes, my H had a laspe in judgement.  Thank you for being friend enough to ask me about this directly as that will be a tremendouse help to me to ending the talk about town.  Say whatever you need to say without going into details and providing a big response that will only to server as more fuel for the fire.

Do it with a sense of respect for yourself because you have nothing at all to be ashamed about.  I don't know what your situation is, but if anything it sounds as if you are working on rebuilding your marriage.  This alone should be a sense of pride.  Feel free to shoot me an e-mail if you need to chat a  bit.

Cheers

We have our own business, my WH is also very prominant in our community, and I know many of the employees knew and probably some of our customers. In order to reclaim what was mine I had no choice but to face these people. Sometimes it wasnt easy and I would have to excuse myself and go off and have a good cry. Eventually I didnt care who knew. I knew inside that I had nothing to be ashamed of. Neither do you. I agree with Chris, hold you head up high!

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Yes, the origin of the word "shame" I believe may come from a word meaning to cover.  Shame is like that in that it makes us shrink away.  It certainly makes for a happier life to avoid shame.  The only thing I would also add is that none of us is free from shame, we are all imperfect.  My view is that it is better to recognise each of us is weak and suffer for our weakness and all hold shame in some ways.  In the end, the world is an imperfect place and we are all here together.  At least we can share a common understanding of our mutual weaknesses and open up from hiding away and face the world, including our OPs and WSs as a whole.  We all want love and to be happy and perhaps we need to learn to love ourselves as just some other person we can also treat well.  But I am going on too long here

may you be safe and well, content and happy

Thanks for your responses...and I will (try to)hold my head high. I don't feel shame...at least not for myself. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. On H's part, it was more than a "lapse of judgement"... A lasted almost 15 years...and he does feel shame. Although H was somewhat a public figure, I am a very private person. So for me, it's more embarrassment at having my life, and my marriage up for public scrutiny....and the "not knowing who knows". I know that many people will share my disappointment in H; so maybe some of what I'm feeling is the loss of pride in H that I had before. I just really don't want people to pity me....I just want to be happy again!!

Hello again, I wanted to explain and add a bit more to my response. 

Firstly I did not mean to imply that you had shame or were to blame - BS often end up blaming themselves.  No.  What I meant by what I said was to help you identify and understand your WS and even his OP.  Understanding other people is a way I find to ease my personal pain.

Secondly I realise your pain for a 15 year A.  My wife had hers for 19 years before I discovered it.  You may feel what I now feel and this is that she never really loved me and I can't trust her now when she says she always did and does still.  I am now the one shutting down on her and retreating.  I wonder if you experience this as I do.  I find something so huge in the "offence" towards me and understand how my wife's own personal defence mechanisms have kept her from relating well to me, her OP and, indeed almost anything in her life.  In fact I can now observe how she relates most easily to animals like the dog we had, pet budgerigars and birds in the garden she feeds.  Now I feel a bit like one of her pets and this is about the strength of the relationship - All very good as far as it goes but I don't want to be looked after or be a companion - I want to be so much more.  But this is my problem and I recognise the underlying relationship that existed before and during the A.  Now I want much more and this makes me responsible for whether the relationship continues.  Now I am facing the real problem in our lives together you see.  Anyway, enough of me.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy.

Of course you have lost the pride you had for him and also a great deal of respect you may have had for him.  Unfortunately this is what happens when someone chooses to have an A.  Anyone who knows of his A will have those same changes in how they perceive your H.  But that is how they perceive him, not you.  My personal experience has been that the image you project to people during this will affect how they react to you.  If you project an image of a victim they will pity you.  If you project an image of someone who is handling the situation with grace, dignity, and in control of the situation they will respect you.  You will never know who knows what or how much they know.  Unfortunately as rumors spread, especially if your H has a public image, people will be scrutinizing you also. That is something you cannot control, deal with only what you can control and that is how you react and respond to what is happening in your life. Peoples perceptions and reactions to what they hear will be greatly affected by how they see you responding to it.

Regardless of my political views, in this particular phase of my life I have found Hilary Clinton a good role model and a person to emulate in many ways.  The way she handled herself publicly during the scandal that Pres. Clinton created by his affairs was something to be admisted.  She handled herself with a great deal of grace, diginity, and control during a time that could only have been described as a living hell in private. 

The following will illustrate what I mean.  Shortly after returning from Aus I had my hair done and my stylist made a comment about how my H could probably not wait for the project to be over so he could come home.  I don't know if it was the way he worded it or what, but at that moment I could not hold it together and the silent tears spilled over and it was all I could do to hold myself together.  My stylist's reaction can be summed up as "oh, you poor thing" and the pity and sympathy that goes with it.  I definitely had that sense of pity from him during my next appointment.  The other evening I walked into the salon and he did a double take when he saw me.  He stopped what he was doing and said, "I don't know what you have done to yourself, but damn, you look good!"  I have not made any changes to my physical appearance, the change he saw was coming from within.  Through my body language, my aura, whatever, the image I was projecting was no longer that of a vicitim or someone to be pitied.  The whole dynamic had shifted.

You cannot and should not bear the burden of your H's actions.  Hold your head high and walk tall.  I know, believe me I know, this is easier said than done, but you will perserver and in the end it really doesn't matter what other people think about you and your H.  The only thing that matters is what you think and feel about yourslf and you H. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you and I am sending you virtual hugs, not as a gesture of pity or sympathy, but to share strength and encouragement.

Chris...thank you so much! Excellent advice. I know you are right. My close friends that know have told me they can't believe how well I am doing; I guess I don't FEEL like I am doing well, but I must be projecting that image to them, and then fall apart in privacy. I have thought of Hillary through alot of this and I do admire how she got through her ordeal...and she had much more scrutiny than I ever will! I feel strength coming on!

Jerry...Is your W ok with companionship? Have you talked to her about what YOU are missing in the relationship? Lack of communication was a huge issue for us throughout our M. H did not like confrontation, so he never expressed his feelings to me. I always knew that was a problem, but I didn't demand anything, and when you ask for nothing, that is exactly what you get! My regret is that I didn't ask. The length of the A is the most difficult aspect for me to overcome. In fact, while I may be able to forgive him for the A, I am not yet sure I can ever forgive the length of the A; I may just "accept" it. We've discussed the topic many times, and he has no real explanation, other than "it just became a part of my life". Although H says he loved me during that time, and he was never going to leave me; it's difficult to understand how he could love me and do that to me. The trust in what he says, has been broken. So now, he can't just TELL me he loves me...he must SHOW it. I have to FEEL it. I won't accept "mediocre" anymore. I am ASKING for more than that. We've always been great companions, but that just isn't enough in what I feel is a good M. There are times when I do "pull back" a bit. I am still on this emotional roller coaster. But for the most part, my H is doing everything in his power to make things right between us....and that gives me the strength to keep riding. I would encourage you to talk with W about what YOUR needs are in the R and ASK for them to be met.

Dear Tulip,  I thought I would respond with some quotations from books by the UK Marriage Guidance service called "Relate".

·      The other partner can feel negative effects even when “still in the dark” and not understand where the feelings are coming from.

·      With long term affairs:  “a pressing need to face the reality of what has happened, can dim initial excitement.  This is why long term affairs become harder and harder to admit the longer they last.”  ·      Also with long term affairs, “the lover and the person having the affair are less likely to register the affair as a threat to an established relationship.”  The book goes on “This is the kind of affair often describe as… “they meant nothing to me”. 

·      “Some lovers reason that a secret affair can do not harm to a committed relationship and so carry on with the affair”.  The book goes on:  “But this is not true.  Every affair has an effect on a couple, whether the affair is revealed or not.  This can be true if the affair is kept a secret for years.  The very fact that the deception occurred subtly changes the way in which the couple relates to one another.  The person who has the affair may hide aspects of themselves, or feel less close to their partner.  Over a long period of time, this can make a real difference to a relationship and gives the lie to the notion that what is not known cannot harm.”

·      The people involved in the affair “may entertain fantasies about maintaining two relationships with ease or moving from one relationship to another without disturbance to their committed partner.  This rarely happens”.

·      Also:  “Many affairs have the effect of creating ‘emotional blinkers’.  You may feel as if the affair is unconnected to any other part of your life.  Some people describe this as the ‘box effect’ – the affair is like a box that is opened when the lovers meet.  This can mean that the needs of your family and friends recede into the background so that you become totally absorbed in the affair and what is going on in that part of your life alone.  It is not unusual for people who are having an affair to lie about it and to believe they are not lying.   They actually come to believe the lies they are telling to cover up the affair because they see them as justifiable in the circumstances.  Eventually the ‘box effect’ can cause the person to weave a very complicated web of deceit indeed in order to keep the affair and the other parts of their life apart.”

may you be safe and well

<<Lack of communication was a huge issue for us throughout our M. H did not like confrontation, so he never expressed his feelings to me. I always knew that was a problem, but I didn't demand anything, and when you ask for nothing, that is exactly what you get! My regret is that I didn't ask.>>

My H has stated throughout that he feels an emotional bond to the OW and that he can openly express his feelings to her.  Then on the other hand he has told me many times that he cannot open up and show his feelings or relate to those he loves the most.  Contradiction in the extreme.  I believe this is because he feels he has nothing to really lose with the OW whereas with me and his family he does.

I read the book "The Emotionally Unavailable Man" and little bells went off in my head throughout the book.  May I suggest you pick it up and read it and also have your H read it.  My H saw it when he was home and took it with him back to Aus to read.  He has said it was very helpful to him in understanding himself and the way he reacts emotionally to others.

Thanks Chris. Interestingly, H told me OW also complained about his lack of opening up and talking; though I know of a couple of topics he did discuss with her that he did not discuss with me. He also said that he felt he had control with her, that if she pushed him to leave me, he would have ended it; so it seems he too felt he didn’t have anything to lose with her...and he did end the PA before I discovered it. I think I will look for that book...(although honestly I would LOVE to read just one book this year that doesn’t have to do with affairs and relationships!!)
Jerry, I appreciate the quotes...helps to try to understand what was going on in his head to allow himself to continue the relationship for so long. The A itself was SO out of character for him. He is overly cautious in every other aspect of his life...It is still difficult for me to wrap my mind around it. The “box” theory, I think pretty much describes how his life was. I also think that if I had not discovered the EA, which continued for 2+ year after he ended the PA, he would have remained emotionally unavailable to me. As the article suggests, WS don’t realize the the A changes the way they relate to their S, regardless of whether it is a PA or EA. I think I will share those quotes with him.

Actually the book is not about A's.  There are only a few mentions of how emotional unavailability can lead to A's.  It was very insightful for me to read and understand a bit about why my H avoids conflicts and withdraws into himself in emotional situations.  I happened to stumble across it completely by accident when I was searching the net for a different book.

The Emotionally Unavailable Man - A Blue Print for Healing by Patti Henry, M.Ed., P.C.

It is written in two parts.  A Book for Men the flip side being A Book for Women.

The first chapter in A Book for Women tells the woman to read A Book for Men first.

She starts her book by explaining that males in our society are brought up to be a man, big boys don't cry, don't be a sissy, emotions make you weak, etc.  Females on the other hand are brought up and allowed if not encouraged to show their emotions. 

 

Good luck to you.

This seems to be a theme quite common in A's, especially in regards to a WS who is male. So many men have a hard time accepting who they are and dont know how to deal with their feelings. Emotionally unavailable not just to their wives, lovers, family & friends but they also seem to be in sort of denial of themselves. They never get too close to anyone. I would also venture to guess that most of them try very hard not to even figure out what they are indeed feeling or why. These are usually the men who seem much more vulnerable to have A's...also, much more vulnerable to addictions. A's and addictions are dysfunctional ways of not dealing with their feelings...a way of avoiding and hiding from them. These men have weak or no boundaries at all....and they are usually not good communicators...how can they be when they are unable to explore their own feelings let alone explain them or share them with someone else? Some are comfortable sharing parts of themselves with others...but cannot fully engage in any relationship...they must have some form of escape. This is why they can share some part with the OW and some with the BS. But neither has the full picture of who this man is...and that's the way he hopes to keep it....he is then in control. If the OW were to pressure him to leave then he would have no problem ending the A.

Unfortunately ending the A is just the tip of the iceberg. If one is to learn and to grow they must look deep inside of themselves and go on that oh-so tough journey of self-discovery...and learn to deal with their issues in a healthy and more constructive manner. If one does not learn and grow from this experience then chances are greater that another A will occur at some point down the road. This is why so many of us stress that we need to see permanent, and consistant change over time from our WS. This is part of how the trust is rebuilt. If we do not see change in the behavior that led to the A, how can we trust that another A will not occur?

All I can think is that some thing very tramatic to them happened in childhood and this is how they learned to cope with it. But as adults we usually go on to learn better coping skills...however, others do not...they just cant face their issues and are not willing to change. If it has worked all this time, and they are not accountable for their actions, of course they have no incentive to change. Avoiding intimacy worked as a child, but it cannot work if one is to have a healthy, mature, adult relationship.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

...how do you deal with friends and acquaintances who may know (or may not know)?

If anyone sees JJ in chat, send her over here. If I remember correctly JJ's situation was published in a series of emails sent on a distribution list to her co-workers.

-Susan

I am here...lurking as many of us do.

Ours was an extremely public A. This strand has been difficult for me and I have intentionally been steering clear.

Maybe because I have no answers. There's not a student, teacher, friend, acquaintance in our home town that does not know of my H's A with the other Vice-Principal.

I can only say I held my head high. I did nothing wrong. My H made a series of mistakes...over and over again...for which he is deeply sorry. He deals with hate for himself for what he has done to our marriage, family, and community.

And this, from a man who was known as "Mr. _(insert town name)_"

For 35 years he was revered. The town was to name several parks, roads, and athletic fields in his honor.

He lost it all. We are working hard to recover our love.

We are a work-in-progress. He has done much harm to us and himself. It hurts him everyday.

Thanks, Susan, for remembering us. HH gives us hope.

JJ

Thank you, JJ…I’m so sorry this thread was difficult for you…your situation sounds so similar to mine! H was a school principal…OW a teacher. He too… “had it all”, a lifetime career of achievements and he threw it away. It makes me angry and sad. Actually, I hate to admit this, but in my initial rage, I thought of forwarding H & OW’s emails to everyone that I knew of in both of their email address books. I’m very glad I had time to come to my senses!! I think part of my fear is in knowing how to deal with H’s distress over what will inevitably happen. He was very depressed over what he has done and is still very ashamed. And he should be. It’s just hard to watch what he has become; and I don’t want to see him become so depressed again. He dedicated his life to the school and the kids; and was so out going and admired. Now I’ve seen him turn away from former colleagues and friends, not wanting to face them, in fear that they already know. Friends and acquaintances have noticed his weight loss and change in demeanor. Many have asked our friends if he is ill. I do think behaving with some humility, is preferential to pretending that he did nothing wrong…OW already has that base covered. He knows that he has no one to blame but himself; he takes full responsibility. I cannot respect him for what he did; but I can respect him for how he has handled himself since D-day…and I guess what I think is all that really counts. We are trying hard too...it's just hard when all this negativity keeps reminding both of us how trully horrid his behavior was for 15 years. One particularly difficult situation is that every year a student is awarded a scholarship in his name. Last year, I encouraged him to go ahead with the award, as there was no public awareness of the A...This year, we are really not sure how we are going to handle that.