Hi all,

I'm Tal, and I'm a longtime lurker after getting some generous help from this board after my H's online emotional/sexual affair with someone in another state.

My message is related to Adam's original post about hating the OP. I could totally relate, because I feel just like Adam right now. I'm stuck hating the OW with the same sort of resentment he described... the thought that she's happily getting on with her life with her clueless husband. I never followed through on my threats to tell him (send him phone records, etc).

My husband seems to be out of the fog now -- he's broken off contact with the OW and is trying hard to do things right and make me feel good, but, I'll admit: I'm stuck thinking it's *not fair.* Why should I have had to pay this price and she gets off scot-free?

True, I'm not a mindreader or a lifereader. I am only imagining her life and mindset. Who knows what price she's paid? Heck, maybe she owned up to her H (though I doubt it).

With my H out of the fog and us supposedly repairing things, I should be taking the moral high road, but I'm repeatedly hit with overwhelming waves of temptation to tell the OW's spouse. I know I might be unleashing some chaos, but... sigh.

How have others dealt with wrestling with this issue? I know my motivations are selfish: I want her to pay. I want to level the field. I want to not be the "nice" person anymore who just stood there and took it (to all appearances). I would pose the challenge: What's wrong with some selfishness? Why shouldn't she feel like she f***ed with the wrong person?

Snarl... my Scorpio sign is taking over.

thanks in advance for any thoughts, folks,

- Tal

I am so sorry for where you are right now. The reason I feel upset for you is that I was able to contact the ow's H as soon as I found out about A. And oh how good that felt. I'm not sure how long it's been since your dday that may change what I have to say here. If it is recent, I would call the ow's H. That was the main thing that helped me. My main goal was that her H would understand what was going on. Now on the other hand if your 6 mths to a year past I might want to discuss this with my H. Let him know that I am not going to feel comfortable until her H knows. I felt the same way your feeling I was not going to go through this alone. My FWS's ow tried to protect herself from her h finding out. She quit working as soon as she knew I found out. Then she tried to have her brother call me acting like her h. But in the end her H knew what she was.
If it has been awhile since dday I would talk to your h about how you feel. To me the most important thing (if it's been awhile since dday) is to show your h you can be honest and open and what your feeling. If it's just a couple months or less, Fricken call the OH.
Just my opinion.
God Bless
laura

Hi Tal,

I'm a Scorpio, too. Maybe that explains my feelings. I, too, feel it is "unfair" that the OW gets to cluelessly, happily get on with life. I have imagined intense conversations with her for the last year, but I have never really done anything. In fact, I've never seen her, which is killing me!! I know where she lives (close by) and I drive past her office/home all the time, but my good sense has prevailed, I guess because I have never told her off.

Sure do understand your passion. I don't think you should tell her spouse, though. Some day it will come to light, I'm sure, and you can remain above the fray.

I too hate OW...and I did let her H know about A. I didn’t really have a choice, in that they were long time friends of ours. And, by the way, I didn’t ASK my H if I could tell him...I TOLD him I was telling him. Nobody asked me if they could have an A. (Whew... Do I still sound angry?!!) Unfortunately telling doesn’t make the hatred go away; but I am glad she is finally paying for her disgusting behavior. After I told her H, he told me that he strongly suspected something was going on between them years ago (the A lasted almost 15 years). I’m upset that he did not tell me that at the time...I would have made it my business to find out if it was true. So, I am not sure that not telling is taking a moral high road. I wouldn't describe it so much as a selfish act...it’s also being honest. As we all know, those “lies of omission” are still lies. I don’t think I could live with myself and not tell. While it does create more hurt now, not telling doesn’t guarantee that there won’t be even more hurt later. OW told my H (in confidence) that she had a previous R with another MM, before she was M. His W another friend of hers. It resulted in D. She was never held accountable for this A; and I do feel the result was she felt she could do it again with no repercussions.

I was also very upset that the OM and his wife were fine and having a normal life while I was preparing "worst case" plans on divorcing my wife because of her A.

Three months after d-day, I caught my wife and the OM using Yahoo chat and Yahoo email. By that day, I had already figured out who the OM was, who his wife was, and where she worked. Within a hour of the "no contact" rule being broken, I called the OM's wife at work and told her everything. I told her that she deserves to know what her husband had been doing behind her back. I mentioned to her that I had plenty of proof such as email transcripts in case she needed them. She said thank you and we hung up the call. No contact since.

I'd don't regret contacting the spouse. If I didn't discover my wife's A and the other spouse found out, you bet I would like to know.

Kevin

Our OW was single, but if she had been married, I would have wanted to hear from the OW's H --

so I wouldn't be played for the fool one more second.

This topic comes up now and then on these boards and revenge or not - hate for the OP or not - feelings of control or not

you have a person who's life is in danger and it is the right thing to warn someone their spouse just might be bringing home something that cannot be cured.

There's nothing that says your spouse is the only one that kind of person might be sacking.

-Susan

D-Day was nearly 9 months ago for me. At the time I found 4 different phone #'s that OW had given H. One was even HER MOTHERS phone #. After playing detective I know where OW lives as well. I have often thought about calling her H but never have. This late in the game I don't know if it would even be believed. H told me that OW's H was very jealous. Well I guess he had a reason to be!!

K