I haven't posted in awhile. And, the answer is yes. Things are going really well. I'm not exactly sure what shifted in our relationship. Was it just that time passed? Yes it took a couple of months after he stopped lying and started being fully transparent. And, I had to do a lot of stuff to take care of myself. But, it all finally seems to be working for the better and towards a solid recovery. Well, I still have my moments. One thing which made a huge difference was that I am renting a room closer to my work which puts us about 40 miles apart 3 - 4 days a week. It has been amazing to have my own space. But mostly, eliminating the commute has given me time to work out, work late, hang out with friends, and do all kinds of different things that I could never do when I had the commute. I could never chose to work out over going home to be with my husband and dogs.
I have discovered that I will live with or without him. My life, my success, my ability to love and be loved is not dependent on this one person. It is only dependent on me. I get a great sense of freedom and strength from realizing this and it actually helps me be closer to him. Knowing that no matter how much trust and how close I allow myself to be with him that I am still me. I look back and realize that I thought that being a good wife and solid family meant that we were always together. And, it was funny that once I set up this rented room situation I started hearing about other people that had to do the same thing for logistics. Look at Chris, her H is in another country as well as others.
I would like to know from Ami and other vets of the recovery process about something. I don't feel like I'm in lala land anymore. Like denial. But, I do feel very safe and happy with my husband almost all of the time. Sometimes it is so intense I'm wondering if it is like a reaction to feeling so much anger and hatred and intense sadness and depression that I'm responding with equal intensity in the opposite direction. Like I have to balance out all those negative feelings with love and happiness. I don't do it for him. It's more like an internal need of mine. Did anyone else have that experience is needing desperately to feel intense love?
You ask, “Did anyone else have that experience of needing desperately to feel intense love?”
Yes, and I will be honest, at times I miss it. That was the one part of recovery that I loved most.
For me, the intense love was there from the beginning of discovery, along with all the other emotions of the roller coaster ride the betrayed find themselves on. I held on tightly to that love and it was tested again and again through out the next 3 years. Slowly the need to hold so tightly lessoned over the process of healing and I find myself not needing the anchor so much, all though it is still very comforting to reach out and feel that the love is still there.
Later on, when you are past the infidelity, and it is not the focus of your daily life, there will be times again where the love wanes and you can not feel it so strongly. These times can still cause momentary panic and a rise of butterflies in my stomach, but I know this is normal, and just a warning that I need to put more energy into my relationship with my H.
Hope, I like that you realize the importance of holding on to you, and being happy with you. You have come a long way. But please be careful, too much separation erodes intimacy, and intimacy is so important during recovery, and for a marriage in general. I think that because you are gone 4 days our of the week, you have to work extra specially hard on intimacy those 3 days you are together. Just make sure that you both remember to give to the relationship, even after that intense love is not so strong anymore.
Thank you Ami, it means alot to hear that this is a normal part of the process. I can't tell you how it settles my heart to hear that I am not alone in having these feelings. I should just trust my instincts and not have to go out to others to validate my feelings. But, it is who I am.
On intimacy, I meant to include that one of the benefits of living in town on the weekdays is that we both really focus on being together during the weekends. Sadly, I'm afraid it somewhat replicates what he was doing during the A. Which is looking forward to and planning fun weekends. But, because the plan is mine and to take care of my needs first I can't let the A overrule what needs to be done. I'll have to ask him about that. I really don't want it to feel that way....ewwww. I don't think it does because often we're at home doing housework, watching a movie together, hanging out. Or doing something that's related to our family life rather than going on a vacation. I also make a point of popping in on one of the weekdays every once in awhile so that he knows that I miss him and want to be home, too.
I didn't move out because of the A. I found another place to stay because I realized as a result of the A that I wasn't taking care of my needs enough. I was losing me in what I thought was what I needed to do to have a "good" relationship. That a good relationship was going home every night and being together. Now I know that a good relationship includes taking care of myself, understanding my needs, and finding creative ways to meet those needs. I don't think I would have ever considered spending money on myself to rent a place for me. My practical side would not and in fact did not allow me to think so creatively and "selfishly".
In the end, it also reminds him to be creative, think about me, have fun with me as time is limited on the weekends. We both do that for each other and we have a good time together again. Getting a phone call every morning to make sure I woke up on time is fun. He calls to check in throughout the day. And we always have a conversation in the evening before bed. Phone calls are reminders that I am on his mind. And, that is incredibly intimate...I think.
Less intimate is taking the face to face time to discuss any issues. But, that is relationship building and I think that while not as pleasureable as sex or check-ins or flowers that building the relationship has a deeper meaning for both of us than it did in the past....since we didn't really do it.
Ami, I found what you wrote very helpful. I too miss the intensity of early recovery - the declarations of love, the physical need for eachother, the passion. And, now, 2 and a half years later, that has subsided somewhat though we are very careful to have a life together. And, just like you said, when he isn't loving me totally, I get scared. I fear that he will get bored and look for that excitement somewhere else. I know that is my problem and one of the lingering effects of infidelity. He is constant and reassuring whenever I need him to be. But we are no longer in that high of re-discovering eachother. And I miss it - though would, of course, never want to or be able to go through another D Day.
I wonder if I stir things up and bring up the past in order to get that passion going again. Something to think about....thanks.
I wanted the romance... he gave OW romance so why couldn't he also give that to me...that was my feeling after D-day... if he loved me he would treat me the same way or better than the OW.. H said but we have been married for X number of years..MC and H couldn't grasp what I was saying ...but finally did get the message across to him.
I do feel his" intense" love for me still after 5 yrs out...very different from the lack of love I felt for soooo many years.
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
But please be careful, too much separation erodes intimacy, and intimacy is so important during recovery, and for a marriage in general. I think that because you are gone 4 days our of the week, you have to work extra specially hard on intimacy those 3 days you are together. Just make sure that you both remember to give to the relationship, even after that intense love is not so strong anymore.