I still cry and there are still triggers. But, I've learned some techniques for dealing with them. My latest big one I cried and returned to wailing and curling up into fetal position in the pain and agony of it all. We traveled to a hotel and got a suite. I refuse to stay in the standard hotel room that represents the visions I have of where he took his girlfriends. Still there were other triggers. We drove his van past all of the hotels he took them to. It's a brutal drive for me still, thought its less intense. I asked him to hold me and reassure me. He thought sex would be a great way to do that. He had to use a condom. And, it totally recreated my vision of him getting all excited to drive down to this town in his van, get so excited to see her, that as soon as they got to the room he threw on his condom and did her. Then jump up crack the window, stand naked by it and have a post sex smoke. The only thing missing from the picture is the cell phone in his hand as he called to lie lie lie to his wife.
Well, my new method is to tell him all of this in as non-judgemental of a way as possible. Which was to say...I know this is my vision of what happened and it may or may not be a true vision of what happened. But, I want you to know what that vision is so that we don't repeat it in the future. I hate driving down here, but each time the experience changes and means a little less. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. You don't need to wear a condom any more so we don't have to worry about that. And, I didn't let the vision formulate while we were having sex, so I very much enjoyed it, but when I ask for reassurance, hugs and holding, really that is what I need. It can turn into sex later but I have a hard time putting my needs into words so when I do, please honor them and just hug me and hold me the way you did today when I was crying. You have always responded so well when I'm crying.
He turned on his ipod for the first time in front of me since he downloaded about $600 worth of tunes on to it. This is how he spent his time and money while he sent me away for my birthday alone, with me begging him to come with me. He calls his A time being "checked out". I told him that I see his ipod and every song that plays on it as a symbol of the time that he was checked out so I hate it almost as much as I hate his evil blackberry. I know they are just songs, songs that I like. I really tried to just listen to the songs. But, my brain would not stop. I hope I can stop seeing that symbol. If he's going to spend that much money on tunes then I sure as heck want to listen to them!
