or so he thinks. My life no longer revolves around H. My life revolves around me. He called last night and it was ridiculous. It was all about him. HE JUST DOES NOT GET IT!!!! I admit that I did regress into my defensive behavior but not to the extent I previously have. I sent him an e-mail (see the end of this post) this morning and am so proud of myself for doing so. I then went and took a shower and it hit me. Like getting hit on the head with a 2x4.....My Epiphany was......I have been trying to earn his love all of these years. Doing what he wanted, when he wanted, making my world revolve around him, following him and his career across the country and back again then half way around the world. Each time I had to start over again, changing careers several times, dropping to the bottom of the ladder to work my way up again. I was always catering to his needs, how he wanted things done, etc. Adapting myself and an intregal part of me in order to adapt to the way he said he needed to be related to only to have it thrown in my face now. He also has told me that it has not just been the two A's there have been several pickups and prostitutes before the first A. The first being while I was pregnant with our first child. My epiphany this morning also made me question if all of these years I have loved an illusion, loved the facade that he chose to present to me and the world. The biggest revelation was that I was not feeling hurt, I was only feeling anger and pity for him.
I am angry and I need to vent this last portion out so that I can put this aside and go forward.
I am astounded that you think that saying "I ended the relationship" would be enough to instill trust and faith in you and your commitment to our marriage. You said you would end it when I left Aus and that took what seemed forever and at best it was only a half hearted attempt to end it, if indeed you tried to end it at all. The e-mail I received seemed nothing more than lip service to try to placate me for the time being so you could continue on without me on your back about it.
In the car on the way home from the airport the way you presented yourself was that you were making some great sacrifice for "us". Even then you could not tell me that you loved me and wanted to be with me. You presented yourself as if you resented that you had to give up your "friend". At least be honest with me. Did you really end it with her during a phone call from Sydney on your way home? If so, why did you feel the need to call her moments after your arrival in Detroit? Or is that when you were supposed to have ended it? Then just hours later you were exchanging e-mails and telling her not to text you because I had your Blackberry. How can you think that after all of the betrayal, lies, deceit, and rejection you had subjected me to and no communication from you that anything had changed did you have an expectation that I would or could be waiting for your arrival with open arms? That trip home was not about coming to see me or trying to work things out with me. It was a pit stop on the way to and from your hunting trip. Just the fact that I had to ask you to stay a few extra days for my birthday, not to mention that I had to ask you to change your flight back so that you were not leaving on my birthday displayed your total lack of respect and consideration for me. That is not how you treat someone you care about. In the scheme of thing the over the top reaction you had to the household not meeting your expectations was uncalled for. For whatever reason you took it as a personal insult. Once again you chose to focus on what I didn't do, not at what I had accomplished.
You seem to be asking for a guaranty that you will have me here waiting for you and willing to work on our marriage upon your return before you can make any decision. I told you in Aus and I told you when you were home that at the moment I am working on me and my underlying issues at the moment. I need to resolve those issues before I can start trying to solve the problems in our marriage. The problems you have with me in our marriage are more about how I treat myself which in turn spills over into my environment and our marriage. As I resolve my personal issues everything else is starting to fall in place. Regarding our marriage.....at this point we don't even have a marriage to save. That has been razed and my only hope is that there may be a possibility of rebuilding it from the foundation up. I can give you no more assurances than the fact that I have not filed for divorce and am working on myself and that I am still here waiting patiently in limbo to give you the time you said you needed while you try to find some answers yourself.
I am not your consolation prize or your safety net, or someone to be with because you don't have anything better to go to. Right now I can't even see myself as your wife because that is not the way I am being treated. What it all comes down to is are you willing to resolve your personal issues? Are you willing to really look deep within yourself and deal with what you find there? Only after we have both done this can we focus on our marriage and determine whether it can be rebuilt. This is what I said I would do when I left Aus and started to do so immediately upon my return home. I have taken the difficult path and continue to do so. It has not been easy and most time very painful, but I am pushing past the pain, hurt, and anger to become a better person. Frankly it would be far easier at this point to just give it up, get divorced, and move on with my life. But here I am hanging on to nothing at all but my love for you and a hope that you might still love me. You keep telling me actions speak louder than words, if I were to listen to your actions you would be reading divorce papers instead of this e-mail.
As far as the trip goes the thought of spending the holidays with the way things have been was more than I could bear so I took the easy way out in order to be kind to myself. This trip is all about me leaving my worries behind for a week and escaping my current reality. I want to live in fantasyland for a week doing what I want, when I want, with whom I want and not having a care in the world but pampering myself. If you decide to join us and are not satisfied with the accommodations I set up I encourage you to contact the hotel and see if other accommodations can be arranged. I hope to see you in Barbados.
The only reason I have not rescinded the invitation at this point is that the kids said they wanted to give him the opportunity to join us. The only reason I am not serving him with divorce papers is because I will not let him off that easy. It is important to him to not be seen as the "bad guy". If he wants out of this marriage he has to ask for it and I will be fully prepared to act quickly on that request. If he wants to keep me he has to climb out of his fog and deal with his personal issues before I can even begin to contemplate working on our marriage. I no longer ask myself am I worthy of his love, I ask myself if he is worthy of mine. He just does not get that he has already lost me and is quickly running out of time to ever find me again.
