Well the day before Thanksgiving was the 1st anniversary of my first D-Day. I had to work and when I came home WH asked me what was wrong and I told him and his response was "Oh". My parents were here who I have not told so I couldn't fall apart but that was probably a good thing. So even though I was very disappointed by WH reaction I got through it.
Saturday however was the day that he started calling her daily again last year and I didn't handle that day well at all. Especially when he got up and asked me what was wrong and I told him he got short with me and acted like he was pissed off. So that turned into an all day long crying fest and argument. Which is when he told me that on Wed the reason why he acted like he did (not supportive) was because he was having a really good day until I came home from work and ruined it with my attitude.
I told him how unhappy I am and some of the reasons why I am unhappy and then he kept making comments about how all I ever do is critize him and nothing he ever does is good enough for me. He also asked me like 4 or 5 times what the point of staying together is if I am this unhappy.
I am so confused by his reactions to me on the days I am having a hard time coping. He tells me he will be there for me but when the day comes he isn't. I feel like my marriage is dying a slow horrible painful death and I am getting to the point where it is almost too much to bear.
So sorry to hear your holiday was not so good.
I know that my H wishes i would just forget what he did. He has actually told me to keep it to myself! I have not told anyone what he did...except here. So who the hell can I talk to?
It is almost one year for me as well...I think about it everyday...there are so many triggers.
Do you really think your marriage is slowly dying?
Somedays when I am really down...or I see her face on the internet...I think the same thing.
Slow, painful death.
But then he tells me that he was a total idiot... made the biggest mistake of his life(A) and that he loves me for life.
I feel safer and happier.
I am just so sick of having this crap in my daily thoughts.
Hope you are feeling better today.
The first anniversary of D-day is a very tough one. From the sound of it, you did pretty darn good. Your H tells you what you want to hear, but has no follow through. I think that many who do this really mean it when they say it. They want to be there for us, they just have no concept of what being their means to the betrayed, so when the time comes they fall incredibly short. To them I think, being there means they are there, they stayed in the marriage and are having to endure your mood swings. This of course, is not what is meant by being there. You know what you need from him, try to tell him exactly what you needed on the anniversary of D-day. It might help.
I know what I have written might make you think you did something wrong, you didn’t. I think that a WS should know what to do, part of them probably does, but they are terrified of our pain and don’t have the courage to face it, they are weak. They convince themselves that we dwell on it too much, and we are the cause of our own suffering and not them. The trick is to convince them otherwise if we have the inclination. I don’t think I would have had much patience for my husband had he not sincerely tried hard to figure out my needs on his own, so please do not blame your self for his inability to go there.
I do suggest
www.retrouvaille.org as a way for both of you to learn how to meet your partners emotional needs and communicate in a non-threatening way.
Your first anniversary IS the hardest! Today marks the first day of the beginning of my H affair 2 years ago. My D-day wasn't until New Years Eve '05. So, I understand how hard it is to get through the holidays with this on your mind.
It sounds like your H wants to work things out, though. He's still at home, not running away from what he's done & you've made it a year! I think that says a lot. In my case, my H still gets 'grumpy' when there are triggers or days he wants to forget. I think, because he is embarressed & wants to forget all about it, too. He doesn't always know what to say, afraid to say something & it come out wrong. Some days are harder than others & I think we'll always have triggers...if we want our marriages to work, sometimes we just have to push right through them & not let them take away what we are working on saving.
The problem after d-day for me has been actions matching up with my WH words. They just don't. He said he was willing to do whatever it took, but when he is faced with my pain, pain he caused, he can't deal with it and just leaves me standing there feeling cold and alone. No hug and no apology. He just seems annoyed and gives me the attitude that I should be over it...and I cant let it go...so it is my fault. I feel this is selfish behavior on his part and the same mindset that leads one to have an A in the first place. Like ignoring my pain is going to make it go away! Being short with me is showing me how very little WH understands what he has done and how he is not taking responsibility for the pain he has caused. I need more than him being here physically...I need him to engage in the marriage...to be accountable for hwat he ahs done....to comfort me when I am in pain...to really BE THERE for me, even if it means for that moment he disregards his own pain and discomfort...it is the least he can do for the pain he has caused.
I hope today is a better day
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Anniversary #1 is indeed challenging, to say the least. I remember it helped me so much when I went through this last August when someone here said that I now was into my second year of surviving. Maybe its just playing with numbers, but somewhere inside of me that felt like I'd accomplished more or had somehow gotten further. I suppose that's a way of looking ahead towards year #2, instead of just looking back at year #1 and how it all began. Perspective can be a powerful tool.
Your situation is complicated by your H's inability to be comforting and there for you when you need it most. So many WS easily say they'll be there for us, but when we're hurting, angry or in crisis over what they did, they're much more apt to go into defensive mode. Objectively, I can understand why a person would more easily run to a place of being defensive instead of there for another, but that doesn't do anything for us BS that are looking for (a) committment and follow through to what they've said and (b)genuine concern over the damage that their actions caused.
I just got back from an IC appointment that was a bit difficult. There was a lot of focus on how I watch and wait for my H to follow through, to be responsible, to do the right thing. When he doesn't do those things, I either revert to a child state of being crushed and disappointed and feeling unloved or I go to an angry parent place complete with scolding and disappointment for how H hasn't done what he was supposed to do. Where's my adult self? Where's the place within this M where we partner together and work towards both our needs and desires being met? That's my big question for the day/month/year.
In any event, as difficult as these past few days have been, congratulations on getting through them and into your second year. We understand your hurt. We applaud your survival. ((hugs)) BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Blue,
It is really uncanny how our lives seem to mirror eachother's in key ways. Also think that we have the same IC who must travel coast to coast on a weekly basis.
It has been very easy for me to blame my H for his immaturity and adolescent behavior. It is a lot harder to come to terms with my own stunted development and childishness. I say that I want to be an adult, strong woman but often behave like a petulant child. And, when your H is an adolescent, it is very easy to take on the role of stern parent. So, I have hidden behind H's obvious and glaring issues and have not wanted to address my own.
Well, the time has come. I am going to get healthy. I am going to get healthy. I am going to get healthy. So hard to change thinking that has been ingrained for decades.
On the subject of D Days - for me, I think they are always going to be complex and bring up mixed emotions. Yes, happy that we are building a stronger marriage and each D Day marks that. But I think it is impossible to forget all the pain that D Days represents. Why can't I just have anniversaries and birthdays like people untouched by adultery? Oops, there is that childish thinking again. Guess I have to recognize that life is complex - filled with suffering and joy and just hope that the suffering doesn't intrude too much. Certainly feels like I have had my share of pain and that I must be the captain of the ship and steer my way to happiness.
(((((Susan)))) - I can always, always count and depend on you for validation, lol! I do think its remarkable the similarities we share on this path...and I know for a fact with all we've paid out in session fees, our IC's could be one in the same and just be racking up frequent flier miles back and forth! Nice to know I'm not alone in this struggle.
I really dislike the amount of personal work required on this mission. Though I recognize my own flaws and shortcomings, it is enough of a job to survive and recover after the infidelity nuclear hit. There's very little energy left to also hone one's own self. But, as dear El always says, the WS has got to heal, the marriage has to heal and the BS has to heal. And "to heal" just doesn't work to go back to how we all were before. I recognize the payoff in the end for the marriage and myself, so I'll continue on, but somedays I'm just tired. Like you, I just want to celebrate a holiday, a birthday, an anniversary, hear a song on the radio, drive past a restaurant, see ANY movie without having to know ahead of time the storyline. I miss living without bumpers (if that makes sense).
((((Kelly)))) I don't want to threadjack on you, so I apologize for the message to Susan. I
I have been thinking about anything I can offer as a suggestion of help to you. I asked A LOT of my H after DDay (none of which I really feel was inappropriate. H would probably disagree with me on that). I know there were days it was hard for him; he desperately wanted (wants) to move past his horrendous mistakes and wishes I could do that, too. Though there is no eraser big enough to make his choices go away, one thing we found that helped for a period of time, was trying to find balance. What I mean by that is things were very out of whack prior to DDay - - H was selfishly and greedily doing all sorts of things for himself and to my detriment in having his A. After DDay, I asked a lot of him to show his remorse, be accountable and to help me heal. To try and balance out his excessive taking and my excessive asking, we came up with a plan: each morning before we got up, we'd hold each other and ask the other, "What do you need from me today?" The asker had to respectfully listen and commit to providing that one thing for the other...or at least show true efforts. This was a great way to balance out giving and taking and also helped us get a better sense of what the other person was feeling/hoping for/worrying about, etc. Its important to use the phrase, "what can I do for you today?" or "what do you need from me today?". It shouldn't be "here's my one thing I need you to do today". I can't promise miracles; we've still had our own issues, struggles and rollercoaster riding. But we found it to be a good exercise of MUTUAL respect and caring.
I hope you're doing well. Are things better this week with the pressure of the holiday and anniversary being behind you? (((hugs))) BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Thank you all for your support and words of comfort and encouragement. To answer some of your questions:
Penelope
What I meant by my marriage dying a slow painful death is that 1 year ago when this whole horrible ugly mess started I was so sure that not only did I want my marriage to last but that we could definately make it better. Then as more and more of the truth came out (that he was in love with her) and the continued lies and deception (d-day 2 in January and d-day 3 in June with many more discoveries in between) my belief began to shrink. And with everyday when I had a trigger and looked to him for help and support and was only met with anger and attitude my desire to keep on trying became smaller and smaller. So now here I am and I don't know how much more I can take. I was told that you stay until staying is more painful than leaving and I think I am finally at that line where it is becoming painful for me to stay in my marriage. And that is so terribly sad.
Ami
Your words: "They convince themselves that we dwell on it too much, and we are the cause of our own suffering and not them."
are so true for my situation and my H has told me that many times in the last year.
I will check out the retrovaille program.
Blue
Your words: "When he doesn't do those things, I either revert to a child state of being crushed and disappointed and feeling unloved or I go to an angry parent place complete with scolding and disappointment for how H hasn't done what he was supposed to do. Where's my adult self? Where's the place within this M where we partner together and work towards both our needs and desires being met? That's my big question for the day/month/year."
I have often wondered what other things are there to do besides be hurt or angry. How do you be a grown up? I guess that is my question of my entire life.
I have also asked a lot of my H and he has given just about everything to me that I asked for but now if I ask for anything he starts in with the "Nothing I ever do is enough you just always want more". And I just don't know if I have the energy to keep trying to work through the BS any more.
Thank you everyone for being here for me
No I am not doing better this week I actually feel like it is even more hopeless.
He told me he was going to make me a card today while I was at work but that the printer wasn't hooked up right. So rather then trying to fix it or just write me a note he turned on one of his computer games.
And he wonders why I don't feel loved.
I am just so sad
Kelly
