I think the fog is starting to clear for my W. Which of course is a "good thing". And yet it's almost like I can't really believe it's true and so fight it.
As for the clearing fog, I'm starting to get comments from my W such as "I know you can't trust me, but I want to do everything I can to earn your trust back". "It's not your fault that you don't trust me" etc. etc. The defensiveness has lifted and there seems to be a real change. Almost like an understanding/revelation has occured for her and so she "gets it".
But has anyone else who's had this happen reacted by "testing" it? It's like I need to push her, such as accusing her of still cheatine etc, to see if she really is genuine.
My fear is that I'll be unreasonable and push too far. I suppose I fear that I will be so scared that this is fake that I'll destroy our chances to be on the safe side. My judgement of her was wrong when the A was going on - maybe it's not that she "gets it" but that she is having another A and wants to keep me sweet.
I suppose I am learning that not only do you have to find a way to trust your WS again, but you also have to find a way to trust your own judgement again - and I don't know how to start that task.
My biggest problem now Adam is trust but not what I expected - It is not trusting that she is having an affair ongoing but trust that she really does love me as I want/ need ie in a way that As don't happen. And it was David here on HH chat who asked me if I could give that to her and I realised it was my lack of belief or trust that that held ME back. It is me who can't open that inner door any more to her. Strange turn of events this is to realise this. Well.. it feels strange to me.
I understand the desire to test your wife's new found conviction. After all, if promises of marital fidelity were ill founded, and these new promises could be equally so.
At the same time, I can also see that some WS would be offended at any attempts to test their new found loyalty. In addition, it seems like a less constructive manner of dealing with the feelings of mistrust that you still have. It might be better to discuss those feelings and acknoweldge to her the actions that you would like to do. Exploring that might be a better way to build trust and intimacy over the long run.
I get this. I understand this really well. And I know, though I wouldn't call it "testing" necessarily, that I guess I have been testing my H in many different ways since DDay...especially once he started being truly remorseful.
So, in my case, prior to DDay, I was incredibly trusting if work ran over, he fudged on what time he'd be back home, how long meetings were supposed to run, etc. My H has always had bad time management skills...long before A was happening. Now that DDay is over, A is over, remorse is in place, the man still runs late and seems to have no ability to judge time and distance. So, we'll have detailed discussions about what time I can expect him home. If he arrives late, in my mind, he has now broken the "contract" or "committment" that he made with me about when I could expect him. He has "failed" this "test", and I'm minimally anxious (I really think the cheating is over), but am very honed in on how disrespectful his ability to stick to our agreements appears to me. We've had talks about calling to let me know ahead of time, if he's running late. His typical behavior is to call when he's already 30 minutes overdue to explain what happened. In my mind, that's about 35 minutes too late, and I start emotionally spinning.
Now, what I'm not allowing for are the factors that are truly outside his control, i.e., a client calling, traffic on the road, bad weather conditions, etc. I'm also not factoring in the positive behavioral changes that are very much in place. I'm only looking at the failed moment in time. I'm giving it way too much additional weight, because I'm enjoining this new "transgression" to all the previous ones.
That said, I'm also working very hard on explaining to my H how I feel very disrespected by this behavior. So, he's working on being more respectful and I'm working on not throwing all his good efforts out the window when something has happened that leaves me disappointed.
Its a lot of work. There are times its agonizing.
As for learning to trust your spouse:
Staying with an FWS is an act of trust in itself. We see quite clearly that these people have the ability to lie to us and to cheat on us, and here we are giving them another chance. We understand quite clearly there is no way to watch them 24/7, be aware of whatever phone, email or personal contact could actually be happening. No one has the ability to monitor completely someone else. But deciding to stay with an FWS somehow means you've already agreed to engage in trusting them. There is something freeing (though somewhat frustrating) in finally understanding that we cannot control our WS's choices. Clearly seeing their changed behavior over time helps us to believe that this trust is not ill-founded, though.
As for trusting ourselves: Adam, you and I and so many others on this board blindly trusted our spouses prior to DDay. We believed with the entirety of our hearts and souls that infidelity would never, ever touch our lives directly. That glass is shattered. There is no going back to a belief system that "it can never happen", because we know too well that it did. But we can forgive ourselves for trusting in that childish way. The way we trust now is NOT blind. We trust our spouses now understanding that we see them, warts and all, their failings, their issues, their frailities. Instead of blind trust, we now use all our senses to trust. And doesn't that make so much sense? We use our eyes, our gut, our ears, our bank statements, our email records, their behavior...we use all the resources we have to see that they are who they say they are. We do this instead of closing our eyes and hearing in our brain the fairytale message "they lived happily ever after". We BS have reached an enlightenment in having to have our glass shattered.
Does that make sense? I hope so. Adam, I've missed your voice. Its good to hear you again. I hope you and your W have a wonderful holiday season. Be kind to yourself. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Well,Blue, not only do we have the same IC, our H's also seem to suffer from similar afflictions. My H would always lose track of time, forget to call, come home late, blah, blah, blah. And I chalked it up to absent mindedness. Amazing, however, that he never got to client meetings late or didn't show up to work on time, or forgot to call his boss when he said he would.
Wow, was I deluded. Never again.
I know ecaxtly what u mean.......I am going thru the same thing this very moment....If only we knew what was true. For me, this
whole thing is draining the life out of me....I feel like its a cancer thats eating me alive slowly everyday. So, I'm gonna try and start doing for me....I'm gonna show H, that their A is not gonna control my life!!!! IDK....I pushed to hard and we are not speaking at all now......whatever..
I hope the fog clears soon for us....let me know if it does...and what u did to help it along.
Expressing your pain is not going too far (unless you physically hurt someone else). They caused this pain and they need to see it and be accountable for their actions. Chances are he is not speaking to you because he knows he is the cause of your pain. It is the guilt. Give him a few days and he will still be there if he is truly remorseful.
I know it hurts...everything about infidelity hurts...everyone involved hurts. For the BS, they did not ask for this pain, but for the WS, it was self inflicted. I think that would be very hard to live with for those WS's who do get it. My heart goes out to you (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I TOO AM FEELING VULNERABLE WHEN I THINK OF TRUSTING MY OWN INSTINCTS WHEN IT COMES TO BELIEVING OR BEING HOPEFUL THAT THIS PERSON CAN EVEN REMOTELY BE TRUSTED. AND I AM ALSO CONFUSED WHEN I FEEL BETTER USING THE 180 DEGREE LIST ----I DO FEEL BETTER--MY SELF ESTEEM BEGINS TO RETURN BECAUSE I AM TAKING MY PERSONAL POWER BACK AND THE DETACHMENT FROM THE PAIN FEELS GOOD BUT IT TAKES ALOT OF ENERGY NOT TO ASK QUESTIONS THAT I FEEL I HAVE A RIGHT TO ASK: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHEN WLL YOU BE BACK? BLAH BLAH BLAH. SO TEDIOUS AND UNLIKE ME. THIS PERSON WHO DID THIS WAS TRUST WORTHY. HE HAS HANDED ME A BAG OF GARBAGE AND I AM SUPPOSE TO DISPOSE OF IT APPROPRIATLELY AND PIECE BY PIECE. IT'S HARD. BUT I AM GAINING STRENGTH USING THE 180 LIST-IT FEELS LIKE A PEACEFUL WAY TO HEAL WITH A TINY TWIST OF REVENGE. I COULD NOT DO WHAT HE DID SO THIS WILL WORK FOR NOW. I AM GRATEFUL TO HAVE FOUND THIS WEBSITE. I AM POSITIVE THAT I WILL FEEL BETTER BUT THIS PAIN CAN SEEM UNBEARABLE. DAWN ALWAYS FOLLOWS THE DARK. THANKS
