This past weekend seems like a whirlwind and I've been going over it again and again in my mind of what happened.
I got a pretty honest letter from H expressing some real emotions, scared feelings, and acknowledgement of this past weekend. We are both in agreement that him coming back home without having a loooong discussion about expectations, hopes, and worries was a bad idea. Instead, it just led to a lot of mistrust, miscommunication, and finally, an explosion.
I told him that I needed to know his intentions with each interaction that we have from this day forward. Strangely enough, just making this demand made me feel a bit more in control. I feel like i have been walking on eggshells around him because I was so afraid that he would be set off into flight mode. But now, I really feel like i've had enough and if he runs, that's his problem... and his loss to create something wonderful with me.
I have no idea (as always) what is going on with us. I do look back at this weekend and just see disaster though...on both our parts. H couldn't explain himself and emotionally shut down and I was incredibly reactive and became a lunatic as soon as he mentioned the possibility of leaving again. Believe me, I'm not blaming myself for any of this, but I can admit to my faults and I do know that I really freaked out this weekend and got myself so worked up that any healthy, good communication was impossible.
I have been really down and sad -- and just so exhausted -- but maybe to the point where I need to be. I am so tired of this. H and I have explored our relationship for the past few months and I really did feel like we were making some wonderful progress. This weekend was definitely a setback but I think it did have purpose.
I feel different. Can't fully explain how, but I do feel different. Maybe just feeling like a woman who has had enough!
I guess we'll see where that leads us...
Ka just be gentle with yourself...you have been thru the mill and your reaction was right on ...Very few people could keep their cool given what happen last weekend.
You have been incredibly hurt and your reaction was the logical reaction. Work on today and you will be OK..Don't think forward or past just concentrate on this moment..I think my IC calls it being in the moment. focus on this moment...the rest doesn't count.
((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
