H and I have been writing long letters to each other over the past week, ever since our explosion on Saturday. Lots of honest, direct feelings - exploration of us, our relationship, why Saturday happened.

H said that he wanted to continue to talk. Said that he knew that we should have sat down and really talked about expectations, fears, worries before he came home -- said that we didn't do it then, but we can now.

I wrote to him and said that i needed to now know the purpose and intent of every conversation and interaction from this day forward. That I thought our "exploring and examining" our relationship was wonderful but for the PURPOSE of strengthening and continuing our M. I had mentioned a book that I had been reading and H said that was really anxious to read it and told me that he had gone to two different book stores looking for it.

So again, I ask - why? I ask H why he wants to continue to explore us, have these conversations, why even read the book when he can't even say the words "I have hope for us" - and his response is that "he is trying to find his heart, and in finding his heart, he is hoping to see where that leaves us."

I don't think that answer is good enough for me anymore. It sounds an awful lot like "me me me" - using me, playing with our relationship to figure out what H wants. Its been 8 months now.

This is where my heart gets torn to shreds -- my H obviously still wants me in his life - he called yesterday, wanting to talk, he has talked about continuing this exploration of us.

Does this exploration and talking still need to happen to guide H's back to our marriage? Or will I continue to be emotionally abused by the mixed emotions of my H?

Sometimes I feel so strong, like I have had enough and if it is THAT hard for H to decide whether or not he wants a life with me, then there is a better man out there for me.

And there are other times that I question my role in this and don't know if this is the process we should be going through together. I love him so much and I can't imagine this man NOT in my life. But is hanging on worth my own emotional sanity?

I hate the my H has put me in this position. Because he's basically asking me to make an impossible decision. I don't want to be the one to walk away - but how much more of this fence sitting can I handle?

Do I have to suck it up and "just be friends" with my H while he figures himself out? And then just hope that it leads him back to us?

I wish I was able to say that I could just move on, but I can't. I feel like I need him in my life just as he seems to need me in his. I feel so stuck But I do feel like this is the same old story - how many times am I going to write here about H's mixed signals, coming and going???? Ugh. I'm starting to feel pathetic - like the world can see whats going on here and i continue to wear blinders over my eyes.

((((KA)))

I so want to say what I would say if you were my daughter... so here goes..

I fully understand that you love your H...there is no question about that. My concern is all about YOU...for the past 8 months and before that you have been emotionally dragged thru the worst possible situation there is.

At this point your H is being wishy washy...can not decide what he wants...fence sitting... seeing what is the best choice for him...you or his freedom... all about his wishes..

Each communication you have from him is all about his needs...he went and spent the thanksgiving holiday with his family...NOT YOU...his wife, this man is NOT committed to your relationship... were you included in the invitation for thanksgiving with his family?

KA at what point do you say " INEED TO WALK AWAY AND GET HEALTHY" because this man is sucking all the positive energy and self worth you have...he is making you feel there is hope...TOYING with your love for him at the same time looking for something else... will he get better? and fully commit to you? Right this minute his actions are saying NO...you can not project the future THAT he may choose me...his actions are all MEE MEE ME...

He needs to be held accountable for his actions...actions that hurt you ...and actions that will continue in the future because he has NOT found out why he had the A to begin with since he is still doing all the ME talking.
He is still all about himself..

You see what he is doing to you...

I know that you love him but when is love NOT enough...Religion has the ten commandments...Truths that we live by...God understood the hurt caused by infidelity..The Catholic Church grants annulments based on infidelity...There is a higher power that knows how hurt you are and have been...

At what point do you stop letting him throw rocks at you...because that is what he is doing to you emotionally, and say STOP ...The wounds will heal but you will keep the scars...scars do fade in time and healing takes time...
Every time he writes he pulls the scabs off, throws more stones... and you keep bleeding...

My thoughts are with you...I so wish I could hug you in person and say it will get better, wave Fairyfriends wand and make your H better..

NOW I ask you at what point do you say you have had enough.. that is the true beginning of the healing process for you... You have done ALL the work of healing the relationship ...you have done all and more that is required.. My experience has shown me that you can not count on empty promises you have to see actions.....


((((hugs))))

Pat


edited to add that you can move on with your life and if and when your H decides that he is truly healed and wants you in his life ...YOU have the choice to renew the relationship...but it will be your choice.
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Hi Pat,
Thank you for your support and your candor in your reply. I need to hear it.

Today turned out to be a good day for me. As the day unfolded, I felt like I knew what i needed to do and I feel like i have some sense of control.

I know my H has put me through hell -- I know that he is wishy washy and focused on himself. And I know that I have allowed him to drag my emotions along on his "self journey."

I have continued to play a victim and today it stops. I think that is where my frustration lies -- not so much in H, but with myself. Because everytime he runs out and then gets in touch with me the next day, I'm right there to answer his call. And I'm glad that he calls.

So, I can't really cry about it and say that H is putting me through hell. I'm ready to take some responsibility in all this. Whats the quote?? "you teach people how to treat you?" This afternoon, I really feel different. I need to start a self journey of my own.

And I think I need to take a break from the forum while I explore me. I can't thank you enough for being here for me and supporting me through this. I'm sure I'll be back -- but I want to be back with a "different story", not the "same old one"

Take care, Pat! And thanks again Ka

I would say the samething to you that Pat has so wonderfully said. You cannot keep waiting for him...he knows that you will and he uses it to not make a decision. Although you dont want to you, you have to choose what is best for you. There is only so much anyone can take....and unfortunately as I have learned, love is not always enough... ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

We all have strength nd peace inside us, but it is like mining for gold.  You search and search and cannot seem to find it.  Then one day you hit the mother lode and you have more than you thought was possible.

Continue your search and when you find it use it.  Someday you will find your peace and strength and that will be a day for celebration.

Remember we are always here for you.  Stay in touch from time to time if only to let your friend know how you are doing.

((((Ka))))

Will post after Barbados.  The kids and I have made a pact that it is to me nothing but fun and sun.

Chris