For some reason the A seems to be on my mind more now that my W is gone. It has been really tough and had such a rough couple of weeks. I was thinking about this today when I was yet again struggling with bad thoughts about the A. Will I ever get over this and truly get over this? In my opinion if you are really “over” it you should be able to think of the A or what your W did and not get upset. Not get sick to your stomach and question whether you want to continue to live with this burden. It should not affect you and you should be able to just shake it off. Many times people give advice about how to get past those moments of bad thoughts. Say “NO” out loud, force yourself to think of something else, physically do something to distract yourself until you are thinking of something else etc. My question is, is that not just suppressing the bad thought, causing you to still have to deal with it in an hour, tomorrow or when ever the bad thoughts takes over again? It seems like it’s a quick, temporary fix in order to not think bad thoughts for too long or spiral into a depression but it always comes back. It’s like it bothers you so much and you may get around that moment by somehow “distracting” yourself but the core reasons why this bothers you and why it hurts remains and will remain until you get over it. How do you get over it? Is it again the time thing and I am just impatient? God, I feel like I am loosing my mind. I listen to all the advice, reasons of why, coping techniques, I hears my W’s words of remorse and promises of a better future but still in comes down to the basics... My W had an A and it bothers me to the core. It cuts deep into my soul and I have a hard time accepting it.
The techniques we talk about for dealing with and getting through a trigger are to help you during the initial onslaught that a trigger throws at you, so that you can semi-function through the day. It is not intended to suppress your thoughts, feelings, and hurts about the affair. I have said many times before that the A needs to be processed, not once, not twice, not even three times, but each minute nuance has to be gone over countless times until you are ready to file it away and go on to another nuance. It is frustratingly common to even have to go back over a nuance that you thought you had filed away, but while turning over another aspect of the A, the dealt with one resurfaces. I thought about the A so much it became my world entirely. It was how defined myself for longer than I would have liked. Yet slowly, and yes it is that dreaded time thing, I began to let it go. Don’t beat yourself up for being impatient, we are all impatient. No one wants to hurt anymore, and we all just want to get on with our lives already.
My H too had an A, it bothers me to my core. It cuts deep into my soul and I too had an extremely hard time accepting it. But I did, over time, baby step after billions and billions of baby steps I finally laid the beast to rest.
Do we ever really truly get over it? No, we don’t, but we do find happiness, and normal again.
Please dont feel like your alone in the way that you feel.....I am so sorry that you feel like this. But yes, me , you and many others here are feeling that same sick feeling in our stomachs. I wish something would take it out of our minds and hearts, but sadly, we are left with this agonizing feeling everyday.....sometimes all day..... Something that has helped me, is looking a my H in a different light. Sometimes I think....WOW!!...hes shown me a side that I know ...I dont like!!! So I think, it takes 2 of the same people to start the A....and I know, I'm not that type...I'm a bigger, better person, than the 2 of them....So, if H wants what he sees in the OW......someone whos a manipulating, deceitful, liar....just like him, than so be it!! But, you and I know we are better than that.....and these type of people (In my opinion) dont deserve our love.....So anyways....thats sorta how I deal with it..
It has been 6mos since my 1st d-day and only 3 wks since my 2nd.
With in that time, I lost over 20lbs....and I am small to begin with...I am afraid for my health, cause I cant eat or keep anything down.....I Know, bad , right???? So, I take it one day at a time...choken down vitamins and what ever I can stomach... I got myself into thearpy...(which I reccommend to everyone....even if you dont have issues!!) Try to see yourself as the same person you have always been and that it is your S who has changed....It is a long hard road we have to face, not really knowing whats right or wrong, but keep doing for yourself....dont let what they did control your mind or your life now!!!!!
What we're talking about is a deep trauma. There are process of grieving and of acceptance that you will go through as you progress toward a state of relative calm.
At the same time, I think you will always carry some amount of dissapoitment and regret over these events. I think it's largely the same as any greatly surprising loss that is thrust on us. People who loose children are greatly tramatized by that, since we all expect to outlive our children. People who are victimize by violent crimes are often affected this way, because they never believe it could happen to them (who among us does?). They are many situations that level people severely hurt and emotionally disabled for more than a few months or even a couple of years. However, we usually recover.
I know that I've come to a point where thinking about the affair, even thinking about the details that I know doesn't leave me feeling sick or hopeless. My primary feeling in those moments is something more along the lines of disappointment. At the same time, there have been moments when some new way of seeing those events hit home, and I feel a deeper sense of grief.
Knowing all that I could about the affair makes those moments less hurtful, because I've had a chance to see them from many different angles and understand what they truely mean. Also, being exposed to those triggers leaves me less sensitive to them.
However I think the biggest issue is acceptance, that is accepting that the affair happened, that forgiveness is possible, that I don't need revenge or retaliation to keep my pride, and that my marriage can move forward in a positive way in spite of my wife's affair in part because of her repentance. Acceptance takes time and it takes work. It is probably one of the biggest hurdles in the path of recovery.
Thank you for your posts and help Ami, Amy and TomJ.
Ami, thanks for clarifying regarding the techniques and advice. You mentioned that an A needs to be processed over and over. Do you mean talking about it, talking about the details as well as the “why’s” and also letting the “movies” play? I feel like my W and I have covered the gory details. I got bits and pieces in the beginning and then one day sat her down and said I need to know everything and we went over everything. It’s those things that now haunt me to say the least. So I should just let in play until its effect wears off?
You said, “but while turning over another aspect of the A, the dealt with one resurfaces” and wow, how true!!! I just recently told my W that I feel like I am going backwards. Stuff that we already discussed and gotten “answers” for, surfaces again and bothers me like it has not been resolved or discussed. For instance the “why’s”. We have discussed it in length and sometimes when the bad thoughts take over and I get upset and depresses I find myself still or again asking, “how could she?”, “how did this happen” etc.
TomJ, you said “ that I don't need revenge or retaliation to keep my pride” Thank you for that. I never looked at it like that and its true. Seeking revenge will just complicate and already complex ordeal and I may end up feeling worse because I have to not only deal with my pain now but my own regret.
“And that my marriage can move forward in a positive way in spite of my wife's affair in part because of her repentance.” I have to remember this when I get the feeling that the A is an inexcusable act that should not be forgiven. The act may be inexcusable but because I love my W and because of her continued repentance and should forgive her. It’s nice to know that even though I will carry a part of this with me always, that we have a chance at a different but yet happy marriage.
