Why do we stay? What changes? Some say that the relationship can be better than it ever was. I see frequent references in here of D-Day #2, 3, etc. The WS gave themselves permission to do it once, then often again and again. Are we not setting ourselves up for recurring pain?

My WS says she has come to her senses, but cannot offer any other explanation or security that this will not happen again. Her actions say we are back together as we once were, but how did we get back? How did we stray?

This action that was done to me, us in this room, I could never conceive of doing or letting this happen. Our WS's must be very different. Is that the kind of person that I want to be with? I was married 20 years before this began. I was good to all, I did not deserve this. I hear of bad marriages or bad behavior from one spouse to another and yet the abused does not stray. There were times in my marriage where things were not as I would have liked, but I did not stray. How can she just throw us away? And now she says she has come to her senses and wants to stay and make us work. Her actions say this, but she does not have conversation to accompany this. She makes plans as she always would. She does not consider that the plans may be suspect or upsetting to me. She knows what she is thinking and the plans are innocent, but only she knows that. Why can't she think that I still don't fully trust her?

Those long-timers here, can you write a card or letter to your FWS and say you admire and or respect them or are proud of them? Shouldn't that be part of a marriage? How does that come back?

Would we heal faster and feel better sooner if we divorced? Does that help put things behind? Do we remain haunted?

Bud you ask hard questions...

I can honestly say that I would write a letter to my H telling him how proud I am of all the work he has done in the past few years... That s part of marriage

5 yrs ago
...My H didn't think I was proud of him, because he wasn't proud of himself...he didn't hear me when I told him how wonderful he was..

My H cheated on me for 32 yrs out of 38 yrs of marriage...there was no emotional intimacy...he didn't know how to be intimate...fist D-day he told me he didn't love me that was 23 plus yrs ago...BUT promised me he wouldn't cheat again...that lasted maybe a year...and he was traveling and had ONS's...hard to find out about those incidents...this lead to a yr long A that ended in sept 2002..I was ready to leave him had plans in motion..when I confronted him about the A...he made some big changes in his life...this time he attended IC/MC...he was accountable..told the truth most of the time...his actions were positive.

I am not sure that we wold heal any faster in divorce...you still have to deal with the trust issues, need to forgive your self for blaming yourself for feeling that you were responsible for the A ...so many issues to deal with..

I think that being haunted remains when there has been no real closure to the problems in the relationship or dealing with the issues...I have a few friends who divorced their H because of the A...ONe lady still talks about her XH with love but hates his activities..she is also remarried..

Another woman was divorced because her H left her and married his OW...she has struggled with her life because she struggles with the trust..

Today ...with much IC/MC I feel that we are in a better place than we were many yrs ago...

hope that helps you...

Pat


edited for spelling


"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Bud, I’m sorry because I am not a long timer and still struggle with many things and questions that you struggle with. I also cannot speak for others but I know that I have given my W a second chance but that is it and she knows it. There will be no 3rd chance and not because I don’t love her. Trust me it will be the hardest thing to leave her but I let her understand it’s about self-respect and not letting yourself be used. I’m lucky enough that she understands this and she even agreed that she would not want for me to stand for that again, but she does appreciates that I was willing to give her ONE more chance to make it right and show her remorse.

I think we stay because we love our spouses very much, we obviously married them for a reason and because we would want to honor our own vows (for better or worse). Yes, the triggers and hard times may fade quicker if you get divorced but you may also loose so much depending on how you truly feel about your spouse. TomJ once told me and I hope he does not mind me quoting it but it really helped me. He said ,

“The only question I needed to answer was which choice would make the smallest scar, and minimize further injury to myself and to those who I cared about. For me that choice was reconciliation, although there were times when it looked like the better choice would have been separation & divorce. The best choice was mostly leveraged on my wife's willingness to do her part in being honest about the affair and all other matters, in opening up herself to me, and demonstrating that, despite the message of the affair, she was willing to move heaven and earth to make reconciliation work”

So I think both parties are truly committed and wants to make it work and the WS does what TomJ mentioned, then staying makes sense and we may even have those “better” marriages that people on HH talk about. I hope you feel better and get trough this horrible experience.

Are the two of you in IC or MC? I hope your W at least seeks IC to help her figure out her issues as to why she cheated and how she can help to regain trust. If you truly want answers the best thing you can do for yourself is seek help through IC and explore your feelings. IC does not tell you what to do but they can guide you along your journey and help you to figure out what is best for you and how to obtain it. The thing to remember about IC and MC is that it takes time...it doesnt change everything overnight. But it is the first step towards change for many.

If the two of you decide to give R a real shot, by being open and honest with each other, then MC can help with the marital aspect of all that. But what I have found through IC is that before my WH can be honest with me, he has to be able to face himself and be honest with himself first. Not everyone can go there, my Wh being one of them. Avoidance never works, and it is how we ended up here in the first place. So what I am saying, is if everything goes back to the way it was pre-A, then nothing has changed...and you are right, the chances of another A remains high. I am not saying there are ever any 100% gurantees eitehr way, but she can certainly reduce the possibility that it will ever happen again by doing the work necessary. It sounds like she isnt doing that and you fear she will hurt you again. I definately understand that. So talk to her. tell her how you feel...see if she is willing/wants to go to IC, if she is not already.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

"Those long-timers here, can you write a card or letter to your FWS and say you admire and or respect them or are proud of them? Shouldn't that be part of a marriage? How does that come back?"


First, thanks for long-timers and not old-timers...


This took years in our marriage and it took so much work and effort on his part to look inside and understand why he made those decisions that impacted us far beyond.... well I was never supposed to find out so it wasn't supposed to have an impact at all.

It was also because he (at the urging of the MC) never got mad when I needed one more round of questions answered (this was after he decided to start telling the truth - he lied for 15 months making it all so much harder) I think he really tried to understand what I was going through and why and what it took to emerge from this.

So the next few years were really tough for both of us, but we saw that people who really want to work it out can make it work if they BOTH (key word) work at it - and I saw a man willing to face his demons and he saw a wife willing to love a decent, honest man if that is what he chose to become. I'm proud he made that choice.

To frame that -- I am proud of him and I post that here on the boards. We talk in private and I tell him, but I am still deeply ashamed this happened in our marriage and don't talk about it to anyone beyond a few VERY trusted friends. It's not that kind of pride.

-Susan

incredibly proud of my husband as well.

And trust me, it is far from lala land here.

It is reality, and guts, and truth, and hard stuff to face.

And yet, there is beauty from the ashes my friend.

It can be done.

Hopearoo

WoW!!! This is a question that I do struggle with everyday....If only I knew what H's True intentions are, it could make the decision a little easier. For the last month, (Dday2) I have noticed little changes in attempt on his part. My problem is ,ofcourse, trusting that it is just not another smoke screen...He says , he knows he was wrong, he is sorry that he hurt me so....but I heard all this before......When will I know the truth? When I decide, ok we can work it out ,is he gonna rip my heart out Again???? I know for me, that it is very difficult to let my wall down, for fear of H not really knowing what he wants..

He says he is sure, this is what he wants, (not too convincing though). He has agreed to MC, but it took me to do all the work, and to me ,that tells me I need a little more effort from him, to be convincing.......So, Do we stay??? Not really sure at this time......After all, I am dealing with a master liar and actor...but I know, and think, that maybe we need to try. But trying, in my eyes, needs to come from the both of us.

I think once you get the TRUE intentions, this decision will be a little more easier. Not saying, that whatever gets decided is easy, but knowing whats real, would definately help.

Amy

This question for me came down to which pain is less--staying or leaving.
But the answer can change over time. There are times when I answer my own questions with "for today this works for me" because today is all I have the strength for. And I really try not to be too hard on myself-the days I call myself weak and foolish are the hardest. i personally would not judge others so harshly.The pain I carry around some days feels like a lead coat. I find it hard to get through a 8 hour business day and on the drive home I am crying just to relieve the stress. Staying in today, making small decisions pertaining to today is comforting to me. The grief, loss, and pain I feel are so over whelming. This person who is capable of such ugly deception wants to be part of my life. for today I am agreeing but I may find that he doesn't fit if the forgiveness doesn't come or feel right. That is another days decision, because today I am comforted by his touch. I WOULD NOT WISH THIS PAIN ON ANYONE.
And it's winter in Illinois--could it be worse? I'm sure it could. thank you and God Bless