So, I sadly have horrible amounts of evidence, i.e., emails, letters, and then there are all the bank statements, cell phone bills, as well. I haven't been able to bring myself to read all the letters. As for the emails, I have close to 4,500 of them. Most of these, I've read, but there are a number that still remain. There is a part of me that has held onto these things, because if the need arose, I wanted to be able to show OW's H what had been going on (I'm still not completely sure he ever got the whole story. NC has included staying out of his life, though I wrestle with that notion a lot.).
My H is doing a remarkable job of personal and marital rehabilitation. I know he would love nothing better than for all this crap to get burned, tossed or otherwise destroyed. There are other emotional factors that probably have me holding onto these items, but thinking about this has left me with the question:
How long did you keep "evidence" of your WS's A? Did you ever throw it out? If not, why? If you did throw it out, what got you to that point?
I'm not sure where I stand with this now, so no matter what the feedback, I'll just keep it where I have it stashed until I'm comfortable making a decision, but whatever information/thoughts you're willing to share would be appreciated. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Ah the stuff that proves we are not insane, that it really did happen, the evidence. It is amazing the attachment we have to it isn’t it. I didn’t have anywhere near the body of evidence that you have, I simply had 3 voicemails. The original one that confirmed my ever growing suspicions and prompted me to call the OW for verification. The other 2 prove the audacity of this person. She called on D-day, wanting to know what was happening, because after all as she so proudly put it, It was her life too. That statement still can get my hackles to rise a tad. I would play them over and over again, knowing it wasn’t healthy but needing them anyway. One day, a little over a year past D-day, in a moment of strength, I deleted them, and instantly regretted doing so.
As the days and weeks passed, and my need to hear my proof diminished, I realized how right getting rid of them was. I really didn’t need them anymore. My H was remorseful and walking the talk. He discussed the A with me, when ever I needed, which was multiple times through out the day. He apologized to me each an everyday, repeatedly. I was even beginning to contemplate the idea of trust and forgiveness. We were in solid reconciliation mode that was very promising. There simply was no sound reason to keep it anymore. This is not so for everyone. There are those that have a WS that isn’t cheating anymore, but hasn’t gone out of their way to atone and give the BS reason to believe that a repeat performance is unlikely. These people usually keep the evidence because it may be needed later. I don’t blame them, I would too.
So Blue, to me it comes down to whether your H is doing what you need and you really believe he is sincere. If there is doubt, you aren’t ready to get rid of it.
Hi Blue
I am in agreement with Ami, whatever feels right in your gut...I have kept printouts of e-mails for evidence, I still have them in a safe place.. I'm one of those BS's Ami describes. Sadly, my husband has the attitude that whether he will cheat or not in the future is all up to me, and how I treat him.
Lisa
I still have the "evidence" for some obvious reasons, and perhaps some emotional ones as well. I have the transcripts and the DVD the PI provided, along with a few emails, the business card from the sales lady at the uhm Matress Store, and OW's personal information. If we are to D and I decide to go with charges of Adultery as fault, I will need the evidence. But I also hold onto it as a reminder, that this really did happen...it wasn't a bad dream. It validates my feelings. When I am ready to let go of those feelings perhaps I will be ready to let go of the "evidence". For now, I am keeping it.
When I first found HH there were several threads about keeping the evidence, when and how to dispose of it. As I recall, one couple burried it after several years who happily R'd. Someone else burned it, I think, can't recall if she had R'd or D'd and was ready to let go. It was so long ago now I don't remember the details, plus I was in so much pain as a "newbie". Part of my life shortly after d-day 1 is still a blur, lol.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I have kept it all, with D-day #1 over three years ago and D-day #3 four months ago. I don't go back to it (though there are a few e-mails on my computer which catch my eye occasionally) but I can't get rid of it. Not for evidence in a divorce (doesn't matter here in Aus), but like Cal says because it validates my pain and what I went through. I do remember someone who said they had a ceremonial burial of all the evidence and they both (WS and BS) felt much better, cleaner, afterwards. I often wonder if I would be getting over the final betrayal better if I had cleared out my closet of all reminders, that maybe by hanging on to the e-mails and my journals I am wallowing in what happened and hindering my forward movement, but like you I'm not ready to let it go yet.
I ran across 4 pages of questions that my wife answered for me on Easter of 2003. D-day 1 was July of 2002, and D-day 2 (on an affair she had in 1997) was September of 2002.
It took her that long to come clean on both affairs. I didn't even know I still had the list of questions which she answered in her own hand writing until I was doing some long overdue cleaning of a file drawer.
Without re-reading them, just recognizing what they were, I ran them through the shredder. No sense in going backwards by re-reading them.
Funny thing is I forgot I still had them, but when I found them, I wanted them gone. I suppose if I had found them a couple of years ago I would have done the same thing. For me, it was about the three year point that I started feeling comfortable and at ease with our "new" relationship and marriage.
I think each of us has to reach a place of peace in our minds and heart before we are ready to completely let go of the past and of the evidence. No two of us will reach that point at the same time due to the dynamics of personalities and individual relationships.
Dear Ami, Lisa, Cal, Liz and Dave,
Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. Everything each of you said was very helpful.
There is something validating about holding onto these items. Its similar to holding onto a life preserver of physical truth when you're drowning in the overflowing sea of a spouse's lies right after DDay(s). When I discovered I wasn't standing on a life built on solid ground, this evidence was the only solid thing I had to cling to. Thank God for it, because without having this horrible wealth of information, the A would've been minimalized and the other issues my H has regarding his addiction would never have been brought to light. He would have been remorseful purely with the few things I found DDay night...and we'd eventually be on a path of deja vu towards another crisis.
We're 16 months out from DDay. I've been fortunate to have a remorseful fWS. He's just a different person now - - connected with the world, connected with me, connected with his sons. It is surreal to him that he ever could have done any one of the things involved with the A or the addiction, let alone the hundreds of emotional and physical betrayals. He's come so far in these 16 months with his IC, our MC, the meds he's been on, the transparency, the accountability, the changes to the way he conducts his life and keeps me and our marriage in mind always. He may get sad when I ask the same question for the millionth time, but he hears me out, answers the question and sticks around for my tears, anger or rational dialogue, depending on where I'm at.
At this point, I think he's earned having the evidence go away. But as you all so wisely say, that's not the critical part. I'm not ready for it to go.
This decision isn't something I'm going to rush, and I forgive myself in advance if I need to hold onto the evidence for the rest of my life. For now, it is my "Linus's blanket" that I choose to keep near enough at hand...not to prolong the agony of what I found or to shove it under H's nose and say yet again, "How could you?" Its more a testament to my smarts for finding a lot of it, for understanding that H has always been just a flawed human and not the Disney dream prince, and the importance of truth in a marriage. As Dave said, when there's peace in my head and heart, that's probably the point when I can let go of the "blanket". Its peaceful here; I just don't have peace within me yet. And that's o.k.
Thanks again. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I agree with all that has been said. It is a personal decision to be made only on your own timetable.
I'm glad to hear you are comfortable with giving yourself the time to make the right decision.
I'm even more happy to hear how your H has done a 180. That makes so much difference in your recovery.
I have held onto my evidence. I have kept it close at hand. I want it to remind me that is could happen. My H is one of those who is not currently cheating but hasn't gone out of his way to reconcile.
But I think I am near to being ready to store it away. I don't want it get rid of it but I don't need it on hand to refer to anytime the whim hits me.
In my opinion, the idea that the evidence will somehow hold you back in recovery wrongly places the "blame" for the causes of the struggle to "let go" of the trauma. I believe the evidence only serves as a means for the person traumatized to more easily review what happened to them with accuate information, rather than try to draw their memory.
In that end, the evidence looses it's value once the trauma has been fully process. I think this is why some people can dispose of it without worry, because they've reached the point where the trauma is mostly processed and the need to review it has long passed.
In our situation, I tried to dispose of it at a point that was too early, because we were still struggling with getting my wife to own up to her role in the affair. I think I was going to do it out of frustration... frustration that it wasn't "helping" since it seemed to contradict what she was telling me, and frustration because I was tired of hearing implications that I was somehow to blame for our struggle by keeping this evidence. (You know the story, how cruel the BS is to make the WS relive the transgression by constantly dredging it up). She asked me to not dispose of it, because she felt that she still needed it to help her work through recovery.
We still have it, although it's been a while since either of us has looked it (I think). It's all electronic, and there's a few copies of it, so it could be destroy rather quickly, except to track down those copies. Neither of us has discussed that for a while. In a sense it's like an old forgotten post card in the bottom of the 'junk drawer'.
My year one was marked by several ddays that he was still lying and finding "evidence" that the A was continuing. Those lies and those ddays were worse than learning of the A on dday1.
My year two was marked by looking at my desk calendar that was coded and marking the anniversary of each painful event and dying alittle every time.
On the morning of New Years on year three, I burnt what I had in a very quiet hour of the morning. I buried the ashes in a place that is special to me. (the burn and the bury were in the same spot) They are still there - at least chemically, just like they will always be a part of me. I wasn't crazy. It was real. It will never go away... I just don't need to dig them up anymore and if something happened to me, it's not something anyone else could ever piece together.
Thanks for bringing up this subject. I have a log of the cell phone calls between H and OW for only two months - as this was the short time that he had his cell phone before I found out. He had been seeing OW for about six or seven months. It was one of the two pieces of evidence that I had which he could not lie about. It was there black and white!
These pieces of evidence are so very painful and yet I cannot get rid of them as I have referenced them many times.
H's A was starting to get really strong around the holidays last year and so this year this time is very, very painful for me. For example, H called OW on Christmas morning at 7:38 before he came downstairs so we could open presents. He also managed to sneak upstairs and call her when the rest of the family, daughter and other daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren were busy opening up their presents after a dinner I had slaved over. I cannot tell you how devastating this was to me to see exactly how obsessed he was with OW (she is also married).
Those cell phone records gave me an accounting of all the lies and deceitfulness he was portraying to me as I keep a journal as to what I do during each day. Boy was I ever shocked! It has made a mockery of our marriage and as far as I am concerned the marriage was over the minute he picked up the phone and called her after they had decided to "get together sometime."
He has hurt me so badly that these records are just a reminder that I was such a loving, blind fool.
No, I can't, at this time, get rid of the "evidence." Perhaps at a later time.
Yes, I am still with him but because of financial reasons, I cannot leave. I would love to walk out the door and leave him to go about his very business.
Even though he ended it with OW the day after I found out, I still cannot look at him without disgust, anguish and pain. And yes, I did start IC (he won't go)last February and have again found another therapist whom I hope I can relate to in a better manner than the one I was seeing.
I am sorry we all are here but feel fortunate to have others to listen and relate to.
I started a new journal because my old one was lost for a while. I decided since I found my old one that I'd cut and paste the new into the old. In doing so, I scanned through my "that's weird, could my H be cheating on me" list. I realized that when he finally gave me the cell phone bill in August, that I hadn't found my journal with the dates I'd written down when I caught him on the phone in the garage one night around 11 pm. He said it was a consultant from work asking for advice on a problem he was having. From d-day April 2007 until today December 2007 I had always believed him. He insisted and insisted that it was his friend. I asked him about this at least 5 times. And, when he handed me the bills he never corrected that lie. It would have been such a great opportunity. To be honest, it was a rather traumatic evening, the bill opening evening. He was sort of deer in the head lights. Granted, he had every opportunity to roll it out and do it right. I gave him 4 months of patience, encouragement, space, and trust building. When I started going crazy thinking that he wasn't giving me the bills because the A was still in progress, I insisted on seeing the bills. Anyways, it was just such a small thing I was holding onto I didn't realize it was on my list until I reread it today so I didn't even think to ask him at the bill opening time.
Well, I found my journal in August but haven't had the strength to read the list until today. And the list had the dates that I caught him on the phone in the garage. I haven't had the strength to read through the list until today. And then, I checked the bills and he was calling one of his girls not his friend.
It was stupid of me to believe him. To hold onto this one piece of "truth". That somewhere amongst all of the lies that he had some credibility. Like Nicolette said. Just one more revelation of how checked out of our relationship he was and how blind I chose/choose to be.
So, I'll be holding on to whatever piece of evidence I have until I'm good and ready to let it go. I imagine it'll be a good long while before I do that.
blueiris,
I've held on to my evidence for nearly six years. My spouse and I are getting along just fine now, but for some reason I hang on to it. I think I feel better just knowing it's there. You never know.
Current Topic - How long did you/do you keep "evidence"?
