I have very little hope of there being any chance of saving this marriage. I left my job and sold my home to move away from everything I knew for this marriage, and now I feel totally lost and desperate. I have nothing left, and I have no idea how to turn this life around.
Yesterday morning I walked in on my husband masturbating to internet porn. I have known for some time that he was still participating in activities he knew I would not aprove of, but I was still living in a form of denial about the extent of the issues. He really felt no remors for what he did, and that was when I started to realize there was no longer any hope. It was almost a year after we were married that I discovered there was a problem. I eventually discovered that he is a sex addict. The part that I find the most emotionally demaging is that this is a second time around for me.
How do tell my family that I once again in the same boat I was in in my first mrriage? I am soon to be 47, and I have nothing in my life that I wanted for myself. I watch the tv sitcoms,and in spite of their lameness, the families in them have more than I feel I will ever be able to have now.
I was in the process of buying a local business, and now I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to go forward wit the hope that I can turn it around enough within a year to support myself on the business. Part of me doesn't want to let the seller down as she is a friend and she is counting on htis sale to move forward in her new venture. I know that I should only be concerned with what is best for me, but I can't even see what that is.
I guess the worst part of all this, aside from the fact that I am going through it again, is that I have no direction, and I am clueless how to change this situation. The desperation is overwhelming. I WAS a recoverting alcoholic. So much for staying on the wagon.
Dear Annette, I am so sorry that you are here...as I am sorry that we all are. I don't have as much time as I want to right now, to write you the response I want to send, so that will need to wait probably for the morning.
I want you to know I understand. My H is a sex addict, too, though in our case, he is incredibly embarrassed and remorseful, and through A LOT of hard work, he has found his way back from the addiction.
I'm wondering if you've visited the site "Recovery Nation" at all? Though I don't spend a lot of time there, I have found their forums to be a good place to either read of the addict's struggle, but more importantly for me, they also have a spouse's/significant other's forum where people have seen it all and understand.
I understand how all of this happening has taken you away from your own recovery. Please try and jump back on that wagon again tomorrow. You know it isn't really a solution; just an escape, but there is enough havoc in your life right now. Please don't let your H's addiction bring out yours. You deserve so much better.
For tonight, I am sending you hugs, and again, just a message of I'm so sorry and I understand. You can get through this. It sucks that this is where you're at right now, but it doesn't have to be where you stay. If I get an opportunity later tonight, I'll pop back on and write more, but I'm thinking of you. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I also want to say welcome...and so sorry that you are here..
I can only say that you need to take care of yourself right now..do what is best for you..hop back on the wagon, don't loose control of all the work you have done to heal yourself....seek IC to help you right now.
Your H needs to seek counseling for his addiction..it is a sickness much as being an alcoholic. He has to want to heal and correct his addiction...You know only he can do the work, it is out of your control.
My H has an addictive personality and IC has been a great help for him.
Annette please don't beat your self up because you are feeling lost...YOU didn't know and it is not your fault...it is all about your H, his addiction, his problem...
we are all here to support you..
((((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I have no resources available for counseling. I quit my job two years ago to move here, and 4 months later he was layed off. We COBRA'd benefits for 18 months, but they ran out last month. The money is almost gone as well.
He did go to a counselor the last time we had a confrontation about the addiction, but he always talked anbout the counselor being late, and he felt the whole thing was just a waste of time.
He was arrested for solicitation before I knew him, and went through a diversion program to stay out of jail and get his record expunged. I found out about it recently as a result of one of the questions on the SBA loan application. I never asked any questions about the arrest until the other day. I did what I have been doing ever since I first discovered there was a problem two years ago...I swept it under the rug.
When I asked him if he was ashamed of me finding him masturbating in front of the computer he said no. I had to finally admit to myself that he does not believe he has a problem and never will. He thinks the problem is me, yet he has never actually said so. He has said that I am the most important thing in the world to him, but the reality is that I am number 2. I can't believe I gave up so much for this marriage, and now here I sit left with nothing. I have no life, no career, no money, and no home. We were happiest living in separate homes. Oh wait....I do have one thing....I now have herpes!
The last time I confronted him, we did discuss the possibility of putting porn blocking software on the computer. But the home computer is not his only access to the internet, and to do so would have been just a band-aid. Someone here did tell me that it was a benefit to him, but he also said that it would have been of no use unless he wanted to change. He has pretty much communicated that he has no desire to change.
Good morning, Annette. What a mess. I wish there was a scholarship fund or emergency resources here that could help provide short term IC, meds, or whatever the need is by people who are close to hitting bottom. I hear all the frustrations you have and the hardships that you're currently facing. Its frustrating not being able to do much more than to be a voice across the internet.
There are a couple of things I hear in your post that stand out for me. You've gone through this before. Not sure of those details, but that shows you can survive this. I know it probably doesn't feel that way when you've escaped a previously bad situation only to find yourself right back where you started. That said, you still sort of know the ropes. Your wisdom and smarts in this are an asset to you. Don't let the fact that this happened a second time undermine your knowledge of what to do.
You hear very loud and clear that your H is not remorseful. As horrible and sad as that is, you are not in limbo. You wisely know there is nothing at all that you can do if he doesn't see his addiction as a problem. You also are aware that he may blame you for his problems and you know that to be a fallacy. Lots of people have problems; doesn't mean they have A's (though you and I probably wonder A LOT just how pervasive this issue is).
I get the sense that even though things are not going well for you right now, that you have good business sense. If at all possible, my advice would be to look at your current state as a business in trouble. Prioritize what needs to be addressed...whether that is securing financial independence for yourself, medical attention regarding the herpes (I'm so p#ss'ed about that!!!!!!!!) even if that means needing to go to a free clinic, assessing family and or friends to see what can be done in regard to emotional support and if necessary, temporary financial help or housing assistance.
I hate that this is happening to you again. I hate that its happening so close to the holidays. All that said, I hear strength somewhere inside of you. If IC is out of the question right now, maybe hit the library just for some refresher reference books on troubled marriages, addictions, getting out of a bad relationship, and definitely post here. We're not therapists, but its amazing the wealth of information...and just the shoulders to lean on can be an amazing comfort.
I'm thinking about you, Annette. Again, I so wish there was more that I could do. My prayers and hopes are for you. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Reading your post brought to mind what time of year I finally threw in the towell on my last marriage...Right after thanksgiving. What is it about the holidays that brings out so much torment? Most of the deaths I have experience in my life had been in the same time of year.
I never thought about looking at this as a business in trouble. Interesting analogy. Most businesses fail in the first few years....and our third aniversar would be this month. I first discovered that there was a problem right before our first anniversary. I strongly suspect the problem was there all along, but until we were living in the same house I had no opportunity to discover.
I don't know what it is about the holidays...maybe so many expectations of what could be...what should be...trying to measure up to that Rockwell portrait of a happy family, happy life. Can anyone ever truly measure up to that? Maybe this time of year highlights what we hope for and the harsher reality of what we have. I also know for myself that when life is more hectic, I'm emotionally more ragged and on edge, prone to snap, be cranky. Those emotions just don't jive with happiness and harmony.
As for your thought about businesses and your marriage and the timing involved. I want to say I absolutely agree with you that this was something there from the beginning. You didn't bring this into the marriage. This isn't an issue created from your partnership. Your H has issues that he's probably been dragging around for decades. Most SA's histories list early exposure (like 12 or 13 years old) to extreme porn. Don't know if that fits with him or not. One way or another, its his issue, not yours, unless the two of you decide to either live with it or fight the addiction. SA is less about sex and more about an intimacy disorder.
My H and I have been married almost 15 years. I was very trusting. He was tremendous at compartmentalizing. Both of us are incredibly bad at confrontation and found a way to not have problems, face problems or deal with problems until my H's problems spiralled so far out of control that my marriage was almost over before I even knew there was a problem.
You guys haven't been together that long. There's certainly a sadness to things unravelling so quickly. In my situation with a longer marriage, the upside to that is we have a lot of emotional investment in the marriage that I think has helped both of us want to fix the situation and reconcile. The bad side is it feels like a lot of those years are a sham and wasted and valueless. I, at least, question the validity of a lot that we shared during that time. Anyway....
Does the business analogy help at all? Do you feel like you can get a strategy or plan together that's healthy for you? Blue
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
(((((Annette))))
My thoughts and prayers are with you....I feel like my H is also a SA...Although, I haven't walked in on him yet...I've found evidence ( numerous porn sites in computer history, cooking lard or lube near the computer). My H definitely doesn't know how to clean up his messes L.O.L....He denies that he has a problem, saying that all men do this from time to time, and that if I gave him enough, he wouldn't have to do this..This marriage is the only one I have been in, so I don't have the experience of any other long term life partner or longterm intimate sexual relationship to compare this to....
Even when his C brought it up, that he may have a problem, he responded by not going to her anymore, saying she is a bad counselor...
It helps to read and post here, and other helpful websites, and as Blue said, it helps to read,read, read, and
He has been gone since early afternoon yesterday, and I don't know when he will be home again. This is his friday, so I assume he will be home in the morning. He owes me alot, and at the very least he deserves to support me until I am back on my feet again financially. I have started to move into the spare bedroom in his absence.
Your comment about SA being less about sex and more about intimacy issues really struck a cord. We used to be more open and honest in the early years of the relationship, but once we got married things started to change. I have found his constant prattling on about stories from his past to be boorish and annoying. He no longer communicates from within. I try to continue to be attentive when he talks, but it is hard to hear the same story more than a dozen times a year.
What I find the most troublesome is that he just doesn't "get it". He doesn't see that he has effectively discarded me with his actions. Over the years he has repeatedly told me that I am the most important thing in his life. He has told me a lot of things that it seems aren't true after all. I wonder how much of the arrest he has told me is true and how much isn't.
You also mention that your husband compartmentalizes. I find that characteristic seems to be common. I used to run a BAN support group and one member said the same thing about her husband. I really need to contact her again. She can no doubt relate to what I am going through. Some of the things she did I can't see myself doing though. I kind of understand the compartmentalizing, but not fully. Can you explain it to me? Another thing we share in common is avoiding conflict. I nev er realized fully before that my husband is passive agressive. I am too like most people and I have to admit I have been more so in this marriage. It has never felt safe to confront conflict. I guess I have nothing left to lose now.
