When do you know your WS has gone too far? How far do you push back before they feel you have gone too far?
For the second year in a row I have removed the christmas tree and refuse to celebrate Christmas. I have moved into the spare bedroom and don't talk to my husband. I am tired of the lies and patronizing. When ever we do talk the conversation is quickly maneuvered away from the real topic by him, and then it starts to circle around something irrelevant. The only time either of us gets even remotely honest is when we are in a tormented state. Otherwise it isn't safe to be honest because there is always this underlying fear of pushing the other person away.
I can relate to your fears of being honest. Honesty is hard. It is hard to be honest with someone for a variety of reasons. My fears of being honest with H are because I don't want to hurt him. I am also afraid of honesty with H because there are some truths about myself that I am afraid to hear.
H & I are not in a good place now, so I don't kowif I have the right to give advice but....
In order for honesty to be effective in bringing people together it needs to be done in a non-threatening way. My H also has issues with porn, if i were to approach the issue in an aggressive an demeaning way he is more likely to get defensive and/or try to change the subject or just walk away. If I approach issue with H in a more loving and calm matter we are more likely to be able to have a meaningful conversation.
I need to practice what I preach! I am usuallly a real hot head and have trouble talking calmly about anything.
Good luck to you, it sounds like you've been dealing with this issue for awhile now and you deserve some peace.
(((((Annette)))))
That is a good question, but difficult to answer for me...from what I read from your postings, we share very similar experiences with our H's... H and I are also separated but living in the same house. I think my marriage is wounded to the point that it is laboring very hard to stay barely alive...it doesn't look like it will survive at this point.. in the long term scheme of things,.my husband is blaming me for his bad behaviors, however from day to day he will do or say things that gives me the impression that he cares about me...I don't know what to make of it...If our H's could get to the point where they can be honest with themselves there might be a foundation in which to have honest conversations about working on marriage or leaving it if need be....take care.... I'll be back to post tonite when I get back home..
lisa
Sorry about leaving like that...I think for me I need to work on being O.K., even if honesty about how H's behavior affects me, does indeed push him away...Its hard to talk to H in a "nice" non threatening way, when he starts a discussion in a way that is insulting to me...Are you going to try to R, or have you filed for D ?
Please take care of yourself....you deserve to treat yourself as the special person that you are.. My youngest son( 21years) tells me that what ever I do or however I treat myself reflects in other people around me. and causes a chain reaction, determining how they behave towards me...
Pls take care
Lisa
