Discovered wife of 18 years' affair by way of 800 graphic e-mails. Her initial denials led me to do more than skim and now the details haunt me.
She was half-way out the door two years ago, then begged to come back only to do this. I've held it together to protect our 14-year old daughter from this knowledge, but sometimes I just want to scream "how could you do this to me?"
Three months after the affair started (and 6 months after she stopped having sex with me) she drove me to get the vasectomy she had nagged me to get.... then wrote her boyfriend to share her guilt feelings and her fear that I would try to resume relations. He graciously forgave her.
Her fantasies of being with him (also married) appear to be dissolving, but she'd been making plans to leave for months. Doormat that I am, I've spent the last couple weeks helping her to pack (departure date 12/30/07).
What do I do about the waves of hurt, despair, jealousy and humiliation that wash over me at night? What do I do when I have to come home to an empty house?
Dear Carlos, Welcome. When a new person posts for the first time, I always have conflicting feelings: so much deep sorrow and disappointment that there is yet another person betrayed and yet relieved that you have taken a proactive and positive step in looking for resources to help you. I hope Healing Hearts can do that for you, as it has for me.
I'm also sorry to see that you posted last night. The first time I posted I think I checked every five minutes to see what words of wisdom, help, comfort, etc. would come to me. I'm sorry I didn't see your message sooner.
I'm going to come back and write a bit more later, but kids need to get off to school, and then I have an IC session. I'd really like to talk with you about the 180 - have you heard about that "technique"? I think it could be both beneficial to you in terms of getting away from the "doormat" status and mentality. It also would be a wake up call to your W, perhaps before its too late or before she causes herself and you (and your daughter) further damage.
Please, please don't help her pack.
Call the OM's wife and tell her. Its very possible this poor woman has no clue what's happening.
I've got to dash. My thoughts are with you. Welcome.
BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I totally understand your fear....please dont think your alone in these feelings. It has been 1 month from my d-day2, and everything you said and feel consumes me everyday. Although, my H is still around and trying to work this out, there is always the fear of D and ending up in an empty house. What I do, is surround myself with my friends and family. They are the ones who have been there for me, and their the ones who will be there, if and when it comes to that.
Say to yourself, I am a beautiful person who deserves love, and that, its your W's loss. Please keep posting, this board has helped me so much. Also, my IC recommended I read books on co-dependency, when you start thinking of what your S is really bringin to the table for you, it makes you think, I would be better off alone.
So, I know you absolutely heart broken, and really cant imagine life without her, but look at all the hurt N pain she has caused you, and know that, no one deserves to live like that. Anyways.....thats how I look at it.
I searched through the archived portions of Healing Hearts to get the 180 information for you. Hopefully, others here can talk about how its worked for them. In my own situation, it wasn't something I needed to do because my WH went very quickly to a place of remorse (even though it took a while for him to come out completely from his fog).
If you have questions about it, or concerns about what it means, or its unclear, please ask. I hope it helps a little (on top of the therapy and meds). BlueIris
For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180
degree list, here it is:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church,
go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce
or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far
as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your
spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse
notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts
of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever
and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your
spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
2 things to think about if you do this:
1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right
thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off
for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better
person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and
learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these
ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get
them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse
is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs
in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter
is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based
on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me
to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped
doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly
an immediate change in her behavior.
2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to
be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in
your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards
you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also).
REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins
to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity
in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better
yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Thank you for your kinds words and caring advice. I am studying the 180 list and doing my best to embrace it.
The gradual deterioration of our relationship over time had to some extent prepared me for the outcome of divorce.... but not in any way for the pain and shock of being betrayed.
The generosity of the participants on this board (even in their own times of grief) is astonishing and inspiring.
I totally understand where you are at this moment, I think all the BS's here do. This is the 2nd time around for me. Last time I bought into partial ownership for why he had an A. This time around I realized immediately that his having an A has absolutely nothing to do with me or any failures on my part that he may think he is perceiving. An A is the most selfish, narcissistic thing anyone can do. It is all about them and them their inner demons. Those inner demons cannot be conquered by anyone other than themselves. They can only be conquered by a healing from within. Until those inner demons are conquered any relationship will be doomed, be it the M or the A, or future relationships of any kind. The WS will always be searching for something that cannot be found in or from others.
An A is the ultimate betrayal and is a major body blow to your self esteem and self worth. Begin healing by believing that you are a lovable person. You deserve to be love, honored, cherished, and respected. The first step is to love, honor, cherish, and respect yourself. You cannot expect someone to treat you better than you do yourself. Accept no lesser treatment from anyone else in your life, especially your S. Envision the self reliant, independent person you want to be and become it. This may mean a serious commitment to IC for yourself. Any relationship should be a partnership with each partner walking side by side on their journey through life. There will be times when one partner supports the other and vice versa, but in the long run the support for each other should be balanced.
Regarding the 180, that should be all about you. Embracing it is one thing, but I believe one needs to live and breathe it. I consider the 180 as a method to obtain the life you want and how you want to be treated by others. For me the A made me realize that I was following H's path in life and living his hopes and dreams and denying myself my own. My therapist provided the analogy of H having a broken leg. I had become his crutch through life and I was carrying a very heavy burden that pulled me to a standstill. Being his crutch demanded so much of my time and energy that there was none left for me. I had to decide to continue my journey through life and quit being his crutch. This was a major "AHA!" moment where I realized that I had desperately been trying to hold on to something I thought I needed when in reality I was holding on to a burden that did not enhance my life, but was actually draining the "life" out of my life. He cannot move forward in life without his crutch and without his crutch he has to seek treatment and heal. He may heal and rejoin me or not, but that is beyond my control. What is within my control is now that I no longer support his weight I am free to move forward and and have the energy to strive for the things I want out of life.
It sounds as if your WS is still deep in a fog. To help understand "The Fog" see Ami's post on the Open board 12/6 titled "Understanding Self Delusion". By living the 180 I am not abandoning the person I love, I am no longer contributing to his self delusion. It is not that I no longer love him, I have just accepted that sometimes love is not enough. It is not my love that he needs to heal, he has had that all along, it is his love for himself that he needs. Without his crutch he might be able to find that love within himself.
The waves of hurt, despair, jealousy and humiliation have not yet gone away after 18 months for me.
But they have changed. It's a fleeting thought and it doesn't bring me down like it used to. I'm grateful for what I've learned having gone through this (though I wouldn't wish it on anyone).
Time will heal. I didn't believe that when I was going through what you're going through. I couldn't see a way forward at all.
Imagine you've been hit by a big truck hard. Your doctor tells you you won't be able to work for 2 years. That's what this is like. It's a massive shock to the system and you need to really take care of yourself and give it plenty of time.
I am so sorry you have been hurt like this. Nobody deserves it.
Just wanted to say hello, and welcome. I am going through some tough times right now myself so its hard for me to be of much help. I will tell you this, 180 if done properly to the letter does work.
My issues right now are after shocks of circumstances that occured because of the A. The 180 showed him without a doubt that he DID NOT want to lose me.
Now its a matter of him learning how to live and fix the situations of his past to keep me. My problem is that the circumstances are so difficult and arent going away fast enough for me.
Anyway, here you are loved and cared for and we all are pulling for you. Please keep us posted and let us help you and encourage you. You will get through it
Welcome. I don't know the best thing for you to do to rescue your marriage. A lot depends on what desire your wife has to work in order to continue it. It sounds as though she could be very determined to end it. I don't think this will ultimately be good for her, and I believe that she will come to regret this choice, but the only things you can do to change the situation are those things that could affect her decisions.
You might consider reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Willard F. Harley Jr. It tries to help a betrayed spouse navigate the situation with a partner who is not interested in reconcilation.
As for how to handle the point where she leaves, I suggest that you find ways to stay busy. If you can, do some special things with your daughter. Join a club or group that will help focus your attention toward something constructive.
The hard part will probably be the 'down' times when you have a chance to reflect on the situation and your feelings. I think you need to take time for that too though. In addition, you might want to try to discuss the situation with your daughter, not only to find out her feelings and how she's dealing with them, but to share your grief and let her know that you are both sad about what has happened. However, I'd also caution you against going so far as to put her in a position of divided loyalty.
No matter what you do, there will be times of sadness. Take those for what they are, but also try to manage them by finding ways to be involved with those around you, and ways to make new friends.
