Good News.....My H finallly went into IC.....The not So Good.....When he got home, he told me a little about it and said, the C told him I was partially to blame for him making the decision to cross the line and have an A. This really concerns me. This is a completely different C from whom I see.
I was so mad, that I said he should find a different IC.
I really dont know what to believe, maybe he's just saying that she said that to justify His actions(still in the fog).
So what I did, was make an appointment for myself to see her. I will be seeing her on the Dec. 27th. Any other suggestions, as to how to handle this???
Will H be going with you to see the C. It might be a good idea. Then there will be no he said/she said. You will both be there to hear and clarify what the C is saying.
What the C may have said is that you need to take responsibility for any issues in the marriage and your H may have "heard" that you need to take responsibility in the affair. There is a big difference. My H still does not quite get it. Yes, there were issues in the marriage, but that does not give anyone the right to cross the line into an affair. What H needs to come to terms with and admit is what is lacking in himself that allowed him to cross the line and not honor the commitment he made to you on your wedding day. Why did he feel it was OK to break the marriage vows.
I would ask the C what their experience is in dealing with affairs and any other issues that you feel are relevant to your H, such as porn, alcohol or drug addiction, lying etc.
I applaud you for making appt with H's C, I hope the seesion is productive for you.
First, like others have said, you are not responsible for your husband's decision to have an A and I doubt that an IC would have said that (though, of course, there are bad IC's out there.)
My IC had told me that it is very dangerous to repeat things from eachother's sessions - memory is bad, people sometimes hear what they want, important to hear context of what was said and also,whatever is said may be part of larger therapeutic plan.
Despite that advice, H and I do share what we have learned but I often find that what IC told me is true. Out of context and interprettation can be very misleading.
So, I think it is great that you are going to see his IC and think it is great that he wants you to.
This message has been edited by selfesteemseeker on Dec 20, 2007 1:37 PM
From what I've heard reported on these forums and what I've personally experienced, it's not that uncommon for counselors to pander to the wayward spouse and shift some of the blame for the affair toward the betrayed spouse.
My wife and I spoke to a pastor shortly after d-day (~ 1 wk) who made general assumptions about my behavior in our marriage (although I think he asked some questions to 'confirm' his assumptions). For example, because I'm a technical person and a man, he assumed that I was detached from my wife and uninterested in her daily routine. The bottom line is that he stepped beyond what he knew to be true and at least implied that I had something to do with my wife's choices. That said, he wouldn't have needed to say much because at that point I was all too willing to assume fault.
Much later on, my wife had an IC who tried to lay blame at my feet, even to the point where she wanted my wife to assert herself at times when I felt angry over the affair and subsequent behavior (i.e. lying) in recovery. Fortunately my wife discussed all the counselor sessions with me, and we both came to the conclusion that her advice was unwise. My wife eventually stopped seeing this counselor and later changed to her last counselor who was probably the most helpful because he focused entirely on my wife's responsibility for what she did.
I've to believe that counselors do this for many reasons, but the first and most common might be that they are simply unwilling to be so confrontational as to not allow any blame to be shift away from the wayward spouse. There are several reasons behind this, from a desire to work with the client to work toward a more honest understanding, to an incorrect philosophy that the affair is a consequence of marital problems.
I suggest that you work with your husband to continue to discuss the meetings with the counselor, to assert your disagreement with anything that has been discussed, and to find a different counselor when there is clear enough reason to believe that the one he is seeing isn't helping.
What everyone has said is true. There are some not very good IC's out there. I think you are wise to check out this IC for yourself. There is no way to know if the IC laying some of the blame on you for your Hs' choice to cheat, or if that is just his interpritation until you talk to the IC. I think it may be a good idea to spend part of the time talking to the IC alone and depending on what the IC says to you, maybe part of the time with H there. If H misinterpreted what the IC said maybe the IC could set him straight and explain.
We know you know better than to accept that his choice was your fault...you are stronger than that and you are showing your strength...good for you I have nothing to add, everyone has given you great advice. I wish you luck....let us know how it turns out.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I have nothing to add, everyone has given you great advice. I wish you luck....let us know how it turns out.