Today, after I returned home from a bike ride, I walked in on H while he was on his laptop....he was in another room in the house..He was visiting an adult dating site...Lately he spends a lot of time at the computer when he knows I'm going to be gone for more than a few minutes. If I walk into the room he closes the laptop or gets out of the screen. He doesn't care if I know he is on the computer behind closed doors. When I call from work, he isn't home the whole day, when he is off, on the weekends I work...I have tried M counseling, H is still very very foggy, and feels I deserved this behavior, because according to him, he is being deprived of getting his needs met at home... I am losing hope that the M will work out..I was just trying to give us some time..I feel too guilty to do anything about leaving or kicking H out during the holidays.It is weird, but a part of me feels relieved that I caught him at the computer, even if I don't know everything, because, I have felt like he was doing something with somebody behind my back, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I am beginning to think he wants me to do all the hard stuff, ie, asking him to leave, or for a divorce...he doen't have the guts

I'm so sorry this is happening to you .... an others for that matter... during the holidays. I don't blame you at all for feeling guilty and not wanting to do anything during the holidays. I would have the same exact feelings. it's much easier, however for me to look at the fishbowl that you are swimming in and let you know the outsiders perspective.

And, what I see is that you are protecting someone who is doing nothing to take care of you. He isn't thinking about doing anything to protect your feelings of love, safety, and security during YOUR holiday season.

Anyways, I'd probably do the same as you. But, just wanted you to realize that you are doubly/triply generous and kind for doing something so nice for someone who is behaving so selfishly, with so little consideration for you.

May you find some brightness and happiness in your holiday despite the poor behavior of your H.

I feel it a relief to know your gut was right, that he was doing something behind your back, cause he is. Not that it makes you feel better knowing you are still being betrayed...but a sense of relief...the alarm is going off and now you know why...you are not paranoid.

That is the thing about the holidyas right...that we are supposed to be gracious, generous, kid, and accepting of even those who have hurt us the most. It is like a "get out of jail FREE" card. Funny how the person commiting these harmful acts feels no remorse, and uses the holidays (and our good nature) to take further advantage of us. But the holdiays too shall pass...

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

I am so sorry that you found out that he isn't committed to you and your recovery...

No advice except is to put all your things in order and then decide what you want for YOU...This is about respecting you...doing what you need for yourself....there is no time frame..

(((((hugs))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."