Maybe because it’s the end of the year there’s some element of taking stock that I’m going through. Please know there IS a lot to be thankful for, so I’m not coming just from a deep, dark place full of negativity and depression. All that said…

...I am feeling absolutely reduced by the A. I look back on my life prior to Dday, compare it to today and see a laundry list of loss. Some of that has to do with events. So many things H and I had done together lost all meaning when I learned these events were duplicated with OW. Places that were special to us, he took her to. Gifts I was given, he gave to her, too. I’d love to blame it on lack of creativity, but H is incredibly imaginative. Perhaps they were “safe” choices, because he’d already gotten one woman to ooh and aah over something. How perfect to use the same scenario/restaurant/gift with OW. And then there are the arrows of the things he did for her that he never did with me.

But its more than the duplication of my life events that H devalued by Xeroxing them for OW. The person I am now is less than who I was. I am less patient. I am more suspicious...certainly of H, but of others, as well. I am jaded. The bulk of my time is spent in therapy and poring over A related resources. I lost joy. My kids lost their happy mom that would come up with wonderful crafts and projects and games. My H lost a wife that poured her heart into loving him. I look older from all the crying and worrying and anger. My relationships with my friends and my family changed. I distanced myself from the people I couldn’t share this with. For those I did tell, our relationship became much more “custodial” and overshadowed by A trauma and recovery. I feel broken and depleted and changed forever for the worse. And I fear each time that H tells me that he loves me, that there is less to love because so little of me is left.

Am I wiser for having gone through this? Yes. Does the possibility exist that our M will come out more real, loving and deep? Yes. In time will the parts of my life that were hacked away be replaced with new experiences and new adventures? Sure. But for now, I am grieving for my life and my identity. I’ve told H about how I’m feeling, and as badly as he feels, its not like he can ungive what he gave away. So, we’ll continue on, plodding baby step by baby step. But for now the grief is overwhelming. (Apologies for such a bummer post on New Years Eve—I guess I’ve also lost the part of me that was the eternal optimist and cheery, hopeful soul.) Blue Iris


"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Hey there BlueIris,

I know how you are feeling and I've been there lately myself so I know the depths of dispair you are feeling.

You are a wonderful woman and you have so much love, wisdom and warmth that you give to everyone on this board. I know, because you have offered it to me when I needed it most.

Yes you are down, and yes you are feeling depleted and you have been through so much but you still have so much to give.

The past few days I have witnessed the biggest miricle I have ever seen in my life. Just when I thought my life was completely shattered and all goodness gone.

I prayed out to God from the depths of my heart through tears and guess what....he answered, in a bigger way than I ever imagined.

So whatever you do, don't give up, He's teaching you something. The lessons are hard, but once well learned we are better for it.

This is what I have learned in the past few days and I'm not trying to impose my beliefs, but hang in there, there is a purpose and better times to come.

In the meantime, we all love you and are here for you. Ill be praying for you.

Dear BlueIris - I look at the little icon you use and I am reminded of how seeds grow

may you be safe and well, contented and happy in time - the pain and suffering can be doors we can go through into new rooms in our lives

Dearest Blue,
First of all, as usual, you are so eloquent and have expressed so clearly what many of us feel but have not been able to put into words.

I do know how you are feeling - the A and all its tentacles seem to take over our lives, changing us from the people we were into cripples. That stage lasted a very long time for me and the A's continue to haunt me. Just now, I was thinking about how surreal this all seems sometimes - did this really happen to me? Did the man I thought was noble at his core turn out to have no core at all? As it recedes into the past and I see the miraculous changes in my H, it starts to feel like it was just a horrible nightmare and I have to remember that it really did happen. And yes, it is depleting, as you said - exhausting torture to constantly think about the betrayals. Recognizing that may be an important step to letting it go. I asked my IC what it means to "resolve issues" as I have never been able to understand what that means exactly. She said it is when events/experiences no longer have the ability to cause pain and that repetition/going through the same things over and over is a way to get there. Seems that "depletion" may be a form of repetition or at least, the result of it.

My H did not replicate our relationship, as far as I know, but he spit on and tarnished memories that were very important to me:
-in MC, which we were in before D Day (what a joke!) MC asked me to recall the best times in our M. I talked about how we were renovating a home and how much fun that was/ how close we were. Turned out that was exactly when he was having his A. Humiliating doesn't begin to describe the feeling! Literally felt like throwing up.
-I had arranged a weekend away from the family. On that Monday, he sent me flowers for arranging it all and then, that night, went out with the OW.
-we went to England for a romantic trip but I now believe that trip was about whether or not he wanted to stay married to me or pursue his other life.
-We used to celebrate the first time we had sex. From my calculations, first time he had sex with OW was about the same time, possibly the same day. Needless to say, that celebration will never happen again.
-The magnitude of his betrayals are staggering. While there was one long-term EA, he had sex/sexual encounters with at least two others and had inappropriate "dalliances" with a myriad of others. All while I was rushing home from work to take care of our kids. I was turned into the babysitter so that he could pursue OW responsibility-free. And, he never even called/just shut off his cell phone/"slammed the door in my face."
-On business trips with OW, he would call to tell me how much he missed me. Turns out that was to make sure I didn't call later to interrupt him and OW. One time I remember talking to him and he wouldn't tell me he loved me in response to my saying that to him. I am now pretty sure the slut was in his room. Another throw up moment.
-On a business trip to Paris, I spent an afternoon searching for a wonderful and unusual present for H. It was a special afternoon for me. At the same time, H was on business trip with the OW.
The list goes on.

There is nothing good to remember from the last seven years - it has all turned into garbage, dirty filthy garbage. And H cannot do the one thing I want him to - undo it all, turn back the clock and make it all go away. But he has done everything I have asked and has found his core.

So, here we are and have to make some choices about how we want to live the rest of our lives. The temptation is to focus on the regrets .Why didn't I run away from this man before I married him ?- there were clues that he was selfish and disrespectful. Why didn't I check his briefcase long before I did? Why did I put up with his abuse for so long? I was in a deep state of delusion, believing that, despite all the bad behavior, he loved me and only me and that he would NEVER, NEVER do anything as cruel, deceitful,despicable, dishonorable and hurtful as cheating on me. But, I know that the regrets and the childish wishes are impossible and that I have to create a life that is better than it was or ten years from now, I will be looking back with even more regret.

I am trying to focus on the good, the ways in which I "am more" and life is better:
-our marriage is honest and loving today. It would never have gotten here without the trauma of D Day.
-I am in IC and getting the help I should have gotten long ago
-I am not afraid to be alone
-I will never accept the disrespect that was part of our lives
-I like myself better
-I have clear boundaries. There will be no second chances.
-I am more mature and no longer believe in childish fantasies. I recognize that life is as cruel as it is good and that our only hope for real happiness must come from within ourselves. (That is also sad but a better way to live.)
-My sons are seeing a healthier M and have a role model
-the A was discovered when it was and not even later
-I have learned what love must be for me. It is behavior. If the behavior is not loving, I am no longer interested.
-I have met the wonderful people here, including you, and feel a closeness to others like never before. You are all truly the only people who understand the "words can't describe" devastation of adultery and there is comfort in that.

Can you find the good in your life today? I think that is the only way to survive and thrive. This is so, so hard. Betrayal and abandonment are the most horrifically painful things to deal with as they strike at the most vulnerable part of us - for me, that is the fear that I am not really lovable. If the one person in the world who claimed to love me and was supposed to protect me could do what he did, how can I be lovable? Add that to the feeling of being made a fool of/the subject of ridicule and it is next to impossible to believe in recovery. But I am getting there, bit by bit and I believe that you will too. We must always remember, as hard as it is, that the A's reflect their issues, not ours.

I am about a year ahead of you and have seen big changes, in the last 6 months especially. I sometimes fall into the abyss and flop around there with my heart aching.I remember something, my stomach turns and I gasp aloud. But I am better able to pull myself out. Our lives have been significantly altered by A and we will always have that knowledge but we don't have to be victims. We can be the heroines of our own lives. My H is no longer the hero, the rescuer and the white knight - and he should never have been in the first place.

There is also the temptation to stay in that bad place so that our pain gets the respect it deserves. I feel like I have to be the living monument that shows respect for the assault on my soul. This is just self-defeating. The longer we stay in that bad place, the longer we suffer. But grieving is good and necessary. I just have to remind myself that I am not grieving the loss of something real...it is the loss of a fantasy that I thought was real.What I have today IS real.

Wow, I have really gone on. Must be I have a lot to say today and that I am desperately trying to offer you hope, even if it hasn't come out quite that way.

My thoughts are with you, today as always. Happy New Year, my friend. Next year will be better - I know it. You are strong, smart,kind,loving and doing your part as your H is doing his(he is a very lucky man). Time now has to do its part.

It is always amazing to me, how everyone shares the same feelings. I also feel depleted, and a little defeated. It is a New Year but nothing changed. I am once again alone, as my H and I got into it on NY eve and he walked out (again). I find myself not able to deal with the grief and hurt. I wanted to try for a fresh start, but the soild memories wont let me. The Holidays have been extremely horrible, and something I dont ever want to relive.

We have been to one MC together, and honestly, I think it went in one ear and out the other for him. He thinks he making attempts to show me he changed, but doesnt understand its the actions that speak. All he's really shown, is that he is not willing to do whatever it takes. His defenses are always up, as well as mine. This is not the man I married, I never thought he could be so cruel and uncaring of my feelings. Its not the A that pains me that much anymore, its the lack of emotional support that H doesnt give me or want to give to help me heal.

So once again, I am left with my heart in pieces,. Why not give me a few extra kicks while you walk on me on your way out the door????? I am sooooooo done with all of this. It is a New Year and New beginning for me and my kids, no matter what. I am closing this chapter...dont want to revisit it again. I will not be identified by the A. It is not worth my time anymore.

I know I probably got off track with the deleption topic, but yes, I feel it as well. I feel like its Game Over, and they won. So What!!!

God Bless everyone, Happy New Year!

Amy

Blue Iris,

I can honestly say that your feeling are echoed in many other posts in HH history..

The eternal optimist is still there..just scared to venture out right now and That is OK..

We do change, less trustful of those around us, absolutely...that will also change again as you begin to see actions that are positive..of those that are around you.. and you will look at positive actions..it is as you said baby steps.

As you build new experiences together with your H the A will keep receding into the background...the A will no longer be so important because you worked hard to rebuild the foundation of your relationship...the A for me is a dull ache... a scar that you can identify...I am thinking of the A 's my H had ...D-day 1 ...23 yrs ago. we didn't rebuild then at all He just continued to blame me..I healed my self..rebuilt me... D-Day 2 five yrs ago totally different situation...H changed and his action have been positive.

The healing has to be with in you...you are healing and just have to give yourself the time to recognize that it will take years but you will get your self back...it is all in your court

------


Amy,

I am so sorry.
no word just sending you cyber ((((hugs))))

Pat



"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Hi Susan and Blue Iris - I have often felt the same things - depletion by the contradictions in my H's A and his actions towards me - doing something really kind/loving for me and then realizing that he left the same day to be with her. I realized in IC that the contradictions were actually greatest as he was breaking out of the A. At the beginning of it he was distant and hostile towards me and affectionate only in a neutral way. My therapist cautioned me not to let the OW damage in my mind the memories of my H that were loving toward me during the A because those actions on his part were his efforts to find his way back to me and to hold onto our marriage and family. I still hate the OW on some level - I know I should forgive her and let her go but she still finds ways through our professional connections to taunt me, and hurt me. MM

(((((((((((Blue Iris)))))))))))

You always sound so strong so I hope today you are feeling more optimistic...it is a New Year...another chance for new memories with many things to look forward to. I have no choice but to look at it this way this year, regardless where me and WH end up...my son is a senior and will be graduating and then starting college, my niece is getting married, my cousin is getting married, and my high school is having yet another reunion. If I did not have these things to look forward to this year I think I would feel even more depleted than normal. Like you, I was always happy and cheery...always thinking the best of everyone and made the best out of every situation. Then one day BAM! Your world is turned upsidedown. Of course you feel depleted at times....we all do. But you get back up and dust yourself off and you keep going, baby step after baby step, and eventually you will be there! No one goes through infidelity, experiences what we have and comes out the otherside the same person. We learn, and we grow...otherwise we remain depleted. And as a former optimist myself, I know that you cannot allow yourself to feel this way for long Go do something that makes you happy...that makes YOU feel good...you will soon feel more like yourself in spirit. Drawing, going to the movies, or breakfast with friends does this for me. Simple things...but they mean so much and do me so much good. When you are feeling depleted...feel your feelings, but also take extra care of YOU...you are worth it

I understand your feelings...my WH did many of the same things for the OW that he did for me that used to make me feel special. Now they are triggers and I certainly do not feel special anymore...another loss the A created which I know my WH doesnt understand. But I am glad you talked to your H aout all of this. Yes, he cannot ungive, but he too can learn from all of this, and he can comfort you and be there for you when you are feeling depleted.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Thank you all so very much for your love, concern and support. I can’t say that I feel I’ve had an epiphany and am all better, but so much of what you all said makes a lot of sense and I’m going to do my best to heed your advice.

Osfan - Thank you so much for so quickly responding. The last few days of the year were really horrible for me. At the point I started this thread, everything seemed so bleak and I just felt emotionally amputated. I’d love to hear later from you what’s been going on. Some good news here is always a welcome bit of fresh air. I’d love to celebrate with you what’s happening if you’re comfortable letting us know. In the meantime, thank you for the words of encouragement and the prayers.

Jerry—((hugs)) You are such a sweet and thoughtful gentleman. I find you have a real “zen” quality to your advice and thought process that is quite helpful. You got me to <stop> - really stop - and look at my own icon...to see the lesson of the seed and to understand how we are all growing, always. Its important to remember, but easy to forget. Thank you for giving me a visual reminder of who I am and the journey that I am on.

HurtAmy - I’m sorry you and I were sharing the same feelings of depletion. Holidays can be so hard. They are markers in time of past happy celebrations, and expectations can go so high for wanting that happiness again.

You said smartly that you “will not be identified by the A.” I struggle with that a lot. I know right now a huge part of my identity is as “Affair Survivor”. But in having that be such a huge part of my day-to-day persona, I wonder if I am losing opportunities for rebuilding the parts of me that were lost, or finding new and stronger pieces of myself to claim. I think I fear this in some ways. As an individual, I was the strongest and healthiest I have ever been while my H was hitting his lowest points, porning and having his A. He swears it wasn’t in reaction to me not needing him, but there is a part of me that wonders if my being strong, viable, involved and alive in the community made him go elsewhere for validation. I know logically that shouldn’t be a factor in me healing myself, but the fear is there and it impedes me.

Dearest Susan - Hearing your thoughts on this was like a big, warm blanket of comfort and support...mixed with the gentlest of jostlings to nudge me past the emotional mud pit I’m stuck in. I’m sorry to hear that you, too, have had much of your personal history spat on. It is agony to lose those pieces of history...the pieces of ourselves that we had pride in and were cherished. Some were a sham. Some just tossed away. Both hurt immeasurably.

That said, you are right about looking ahead and doing something about it. I like the list you made of who you are now, what you’ve learned and what you like. My only problem with that for me was that I liked myself previously (though there is and always has been room for improvement LOL) and my self esteem now is in the crapper. But that doesn’t mean it has to stay there. So, I’m going to commit to you and myself that I will make my own list to try and find my way back to me. The new year is a new opportunity to look forward. The end of the year had my focus on looking back. I need to remember the importance of perspective.

Thank you, dear friend, for the encouragement and understanding. You are a gem and so very precious.

Pat - I wanted so much to throw my arms around you after reading your post. Like Susan, your message was filled with love, compassion and gentle nudges towards taking responsibility.

Years ago, I dated a man who had a chronic illness. He was in constant pain and oftentimes wallowed in depression over his circumstances. Though I can only imagine how difficult life must have been hurting morning to night, and though I dearly loved him, I still had times when I puzzled over what kept him in the victim role. So many people have overcome physical adversity to live and thrive and make a difference (Franklin Roosevelt, Christopher Reeve, Helen Keller). This man I loved chose to spend his days drinking beer and smoking pot to numb his pain and brain...and it became clear that was how the rest of his life would be spent. So, here I am now, with maybe chronic pain from betrayal. Do I just limp along emotionally, or can I hurdle over and through the pain towards something of value? Yes, there will be days when it hurts too much and I need to respect my need to rest. But this particularly hard life experience is not a ticket to excuse myself out of my responsibilities as a human to do my best. Pat, you are right; it is all in my court. Thank you for the perspective of a long timer. It is incredibly comforting to see someone who’s made the journey successfully and who understands the pitfalls along the way.

MM - Thanks for your thoughts. I was interested in the perspective you shared about the ties between your H’s actions with OW really being an attempt to find a way back. I’m not sure if this is the same in our situation. H was so far gone when I found out what was happening, but I think I’ll ask him about this.

Dear Cal - I DO see your optimism on a regular basis. It is beautiful and contagious and empowering. Thank you for sharing it with me when my own supply is waning. You have great advice and I’m going to take it right this minute and go for a brisk walk for my health and to remind myself the world is a beautiful place. Like Susan’s list of positives, I think your suggestion is a great one, too. It would be helpful for me to look at what I can look forward to this year. I’m embarrassed to say, I haven’t been living that way. Its been much more of a day to day existence of getting through whatever inevitable pain will probably be there and shielding myself from things I’m scared I’m going to be confronted with.

Oh, my HH family. You mean the world to me. Thank you, thank you. Again, I can’t say I’m flipped 180 degrees towards Happyville, but you have all given me so much to think about and so many wonderful pushes off my duff and in the right direction. Bless you all. BlueIris


"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Dear Blue,
I was really struck by something you wrote to Amy. Like you, I was pretty strong when H was living in his cesspool. My career was going well, I had friends, places to go and people to see. I think that, in some ways, H needed to be needed by people who were "less" than him, who admired him and looked up to him as a god. All OW are broken in some way and I think that appealed to H.
And, when I fell apart and became a basket case, he was there for me, loving and kind.
So, does that mean that my M and my relationship require that I be sad, weak, needy, broken down? Is independence the price I have to pay to keep this man interested? H will, of course, say that is not the case....that he has changed and wants me to be strong and happy again.
Mostly I believe him. The changes in him are so profound and his worldview so changed, that I think he can see his A's and OW for what they were - pathetic, ridiculous fantasies between users and losers.
But, I wonder sometimes. And, it scares me.

(BLUE)))))))))))))

Walking the circles in the sand my friend...YOU have always been there for me... just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you... and looking for to walk a little with me..... spread your wings. my friend and fly a little bit.. and you will soon find the path you so much deserve.....


april...