First I'd like to say thanks to those who responded to my post earlier..it helps knowing I am not alone, unfortunately. Its been 3 weeks since I found out about H affair. The complete devastation is something I still feel as if it were day 1. I'm so tired of crying everyday. I'm so bombarded with questions: how could he do this? what did I do wrong? why wasn't I enough? how could I be so clueless? how could he during our anniversary? I feel so lost and heartbroken. H seems to be remorseful. He's broken off all contact with OW, apologizes repeatedly, tells me he loves me several times a day. But how can I believe him. I thought we were happy. We've been married 12 years. We laugh, joke, spend all our time together, and intimacy was never a problem. He was seeing her during his lunch hour at work, then coming home and being with me at night, while looking me in the eye saying I love you.....how can I ever get over that? They met a few times last year b4 she left their place of employment, but called him several weeks ago and he began meeting her. This went on for 2 or 3 weeks. He set up a secret email account with a fake name that I knew nothing about. He was calling her from work along with emailing her and meeting with her during lunch. When I confronted H, he denied everything. He would only answer direct questions and sometimes I would have to ask several times. He would not confess anything. That made it so much worse. I begged him to be honest, but he wouldn't. Only after he realized that I knew several things that had happened did he answer my questions. I am so broken inside and I don't know how to make it better. H says that he'll do anything to make it up to me, but how can you trust someone who has betrayed you in the worst possible way? I feel so much anxiety when he leaves for work knowing that is where it started and took place. H says she was the first and only one and swears it will never happen again. Anyone have any statistics on cheating again after cheating once? I wish with my whole heart that I could believe him, but I can't. I'm so lost. I believed in him and now I don't even know if the man I thought I knew even exists. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.
I am so sorry for the pain and uncertainty you feel. I know how awful it is. I have been there. It is as if time slows down for the newly betrayed and each second is so agonizingly long. We just want to stop hurting. I wish there was a way to go around the pain and not suffer the way we do, but healing takes time, there are no short cuts. The only way through he!! Is right through the middle. As devastating as this is, I am proof, as are others here, that healing does happen. There is life and happiness at the end of the road. It is hard won but it is so, so worth it. Get help, go to a good counselor, delve inside of yourself and understand that the pain is tied to who you are. Personal growth, in the end will be the gift of your healing.
I am 6 years past the discovery of my husbands 9 month affair with a co-worker. The first year was all about survival, but some how we made it through. Today, the affair no longer dogs my every waking and sleeping thought. Thinking about it does not stab my heart a million times at once. I have accepted it, and forgiven my husband. Because he choose to work at earning trust in word and deed, and because he completely owned my pain as caused by his actions, and because he delved inside himself to find what about his make up would allow him to do this, we were able to successfully reconcile.
There are no guarantees. As a BS we have to accept that. But I honestly feel, now that I do not love or trust blindly as I did before the affair, that my husband is less likely to cheat on me again then any other man I may end up with, or then he was before.
Ami
This message has been edited by Amistandingstill on Jan 3, 2008 8:11 AM
I really feel unless the WS takes that deep down look inside of themselves, chances are they will cheat again. Many of us have ahd more than one D-Day. The WS has to want to change and take ACTION, not just say they want to and make that all too familiar promise of "I will do anything, wahtever it takes". We need to see them actually "do anything". That is how you will know if he is sincere and truly remorseful because actions speak louder than words. After they have looked you in the eye and lied, words mean NOTHING! You are right to not trust until he can prove he is trustworthy, but you have to decide if you are willing to take that chance and allow him to earn back your trust. Ami is right on when she says we will never trust the same way ever...blind trust is gone, and as it should be.
I am sorry youa re going through this (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
It is so difficult to realize that the person you love and trusted like no other, could have betrayed you in this manner. Your story is similar to mine and others. My H saw OW mainly on his lunch hour, when confronted he denied the affair until he realized I KNEW about it and then fessed up a little at a time. In their mind they are protecting you from pain by not fessing up all at once or not until you confront them with another piece of evidence. But the reality is they are protecting themselves from not having to deal with the fall out from their behavior.
If you look under the Helpful Links on the left of the page you will find a lot of books and other resources that can be helpful. In what manner did H break it off with OW? Regardless of how he originally did it, is he willing to send her an NC (no contact) letter, letting her know that their affair was a mistake that he loves you and that he does not want her to contact either of you, no apologies. This might give some piece of mind.
I can totally relate to the fear of him leaving for work because the affair primarily happened on his lunch hour. Is there anyway you can drop in unexpectedly to have lunch with H occassionally? Ask him to call you everyday during his lunch hour. Call him back on his work phone a little while later. Tell him you need him to be totally accoutable for his time.
I'm sorry you hurt so much, the pain does begin to fade, the first year is very difficult.
Thank you all for your responses. My H broke it off with OW the night I confronted him. I insisted he call her with me standing in front of him and end it. Originally he wanted to do it the next day at work, but I told him no...he had to do it right then. He agreed and made the call and told her that he had and needed to be with his wife and kids. Since then, he has had no contact with her. He had no qualms about ending it and said that although he knew he messed up in the worst way, that there was never a choice between her and me...we had been talking about how he chose me instead of her. He says he don't know why he did what he did. It helps knowing that some of you have salvaged your marriages, it gives me hope.
