6 months ago I discovered that my husband had been using the services of escort services for 1 /2 years. I was totally blown away. Had no idea at all and thought everything was good between us. I am really having a hard time tryng to get over it. I blew up again today after looking at the cell phone records. He had "called" them 17 days after my Mom died and when I was extremely sick 6 months later and then after our family had been here visiting (including kids and grandkids). He says he doesn't know why he did what he did. I have a really hard time with the fact that he puposely set out to break our marriage vows. I honestly don't know what to do.
Welcome to the healing heart. I am so sorry you had to find a need to find us, but glad that we can give you the support I know you need.
Infidelity, no matter how it occurs, strikes us at the very core of who we are. It unmakes us, throwing us on a roller coaster of emotions from He!!.
I know that in order to heal I needed help. I read everything I could get my hands on having to do with affairs. Knowledge helps. I also encouraged my H to read much of what I had read. We sought counseling. We both had to delve deep down into who we were. Take care of your self. Know that this was not about you or you marriage, but about a flaw with in you H. You did not make him cheat and you could not have prevented it from happening. It was all about him.
Dear Pat, Welcome. I am so sorry you are here, as I am so sorry that we all are. But we are a warm, caring, compassionate community and we are ready, willing and able to be whatever kind of support we can to you.
I would echo all that Ami said. You sound to be past the panicky stage, but certainly still frustrated, confused, angry and hurt. All absolutely understandable.
I very much empathize with your pain over seeing that your H callously "called" the service so soon after your Mom's passing and additionally while you were sick and after family had visited. In many ways, affairs are addictive behaviors and a WS craves his "substance of abuse" when there is greater stress. My H did many similar things. While going in for a hysterectomy, he sat at my bedside pre-surgery and post-surgery with a Trio claiming that he was dealing with work stuff. I later discovered he was texting OW the whole time. It horrifies me that at my most physically vulnerable moments of recent time, he wasn't truly there with me. There are further incidents of contacting OW on our son's birthday, during my parent's 50th wedding anniversary that I was charged with setting up, the list goes on and on.
The bottom line is: inappropriate behavior has no appropriate time to be conducted.
You said something that jumped out at me, Pat. "I have a really hard time with the fact that he purposefully set out to break our marriage vows." I know and understand that it feels that way. So many concious decisions had to be made, strategies formulated, lies cleverly told, truths concertedly hidden - it looks purposeful and malicious. The truth is he didn't set out to break the marriage vows; but he came into the marriage already (and probably unknowingly) broken and because of that could not keep his vows. I don't know if that perspective helps. I've wrestled with the malicious intent aspect, too, and this is the best way for me to understand/cope with what he did.
I've rambled - I have that tendency, so my apologies for that. Again, welcome to our circle. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Thank you for responding so quickly. It is so comforting to know that ther are others that I can talk to and understand. I made the mistake of calling my best friend when I first found out and now wish I hadn't. It is so humiliating. I had a major crash last night and acted very ugly to H. After many harsh words and such he has agreed to go to the therapist with me. He is appologetic and swears that it will never happen again. I hope throuh therapy that we can heal and work towards some sortof trust.
Pat
I was thinking about you this morning, Pat. I'm hoping today is a bit brighter and is not as rocky.
Forgive yourself for the tough nights and the harsh words. Sometimes they need to come out; they are a consequence of what H did. It certainly wouldn't be an excuse to be harsh on a regular basis, but part of getting through this is your H understanding what this has done to you.
I'm glad that he has agreed to join you in counseling. Though I don't feel he betrayed you maliciously, the answer that he gives you that he doesn't know why he did what he did just doesn't cut it. That's the crux of what he needs to dig deep and figure out so that this never happens again to either of you.
And I thought about the situation with your best friend. We BS are sort of between a rock and a hard place with telling others about this, aren't we? There are people who just can't understand and either (a) want you to dump the b*&^*rd or (b) come from the mindset of these things happen - you just need to forgive him/her and move forward. There are also the people that do understand that are supportive and sympathetic. But I know for the friends I've told that have been unjudgmental, the friendship still has changed somewhat by becoming more "custodial." There is now this yukky thing that we as friends don't "share", but that they lovingly stand by us as we suffer through. One of the friends I told after DDay had just coincidentally had 5 friends all have DDays right about the same time. I asked what it was like for her. She said it was really lonely and though she was happy to be a place of support for all of us, it was difficult to have to be the strong one always. Her regular life problems get pushed to the background because there are understandably more serious ones on the table. Its thrown the balance within the friendship off. So, she and I have tried to forge better balance when we get together. Its an effort we never had to make before. We're both happy to make it for each other. But this is another ripple effect and consequence from H's actions that weren't supposed to hurt anyone.
And then there are the friends that weren't told. For me, this situation has harmed those friendships, too, because there is this awful "secret". I've been changed by what happened, but can't tell them, and so I wear a mask when I am with them.
Complicated. But it makes me especially grateful for everyone here.
I'm off to jump back into my day, but wanted you to know you were on my mind. Be well. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Sorry I haven't responded to you before now. I want you to know that I appreciate you caring. It is so difficult to talk about and having someone who has been there helps soooo much. I just posted a new one. Do they ever quit lying? How do you trust again? I purchased a book by Dr. Gunsburg (How to Survive An Affair). Haven't got to read it yet. It is printing as I type this. Hopefully it will answer some of my questions and make me feel good about myself again. I really hate wollering in self pity.
The escort service for some men is they are looking for the sex...the thrill.. not the emotional involvement with another woman...the Meeting with the escort woman is something that he gets a high from much like a drug high...then it becomes an addiction....the thrill is also the secret that you don't know...and what you don't know won't hurt you.
Please have your H seek IC...my H also sought out women ONS's...it was about his need for something ...it had nothing to do with me or my lacking something that the OW did for him.. it was all about him.
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
