I had my first IC session last night and I really don’t know what to think. It was really just me talking for an hour and her occasionally asking a question or agreeing with me. It felt good actually talking to a person even though it was very painful and involved a lot of crying. My question is, is it normal for it to be this one sided? Or is it just the first session that’s like that because they are getting the background, taking notes and will have there input in later sessions? I know it’s not a magic fix and they not going to tell you what to do, but I was hoping for a little more guidance and advice on certain issues. I will however I give it a couple of more session before I make a decision.

I remember feeling the same way when I first started IC and MC. Guess in some ways, I still would love if my IC would jump in there and be more vocal, but normally, she doesn't. I will occasionally push that and ask her opinion on something, or when I get to a point where I really don't have anything more to say on a topic, I'll just tell her that and ask if she wants to bring up something else or direct the conversation. My H's IC is a little more vocal and opinionated. That has its pros and cons.

I had hoped that there would be some more guidance or direction...something more concrete where I could follow steps towards a more likely goal or outcome. In the end, I don't think therapy can really do that since everyone's experiences are so diverse, and in the end, the therapist should really only be facilitating your finding self-clarity and self-direction. Their role isn't really one of advising. (Pout! I really wanted answers to the question of "how do I get through this"? But I think I've found the biggest answer to that question is asking the question: "how do I best get myself through this?") I know that doesn't really help or get you what you want, but that's what my experience has been. Be well. BlueIris (and bravo for taking the plunge into IC!)

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Hi Hart,

First, I am so happy that you are trying IC. That is a very positive step forward in taking care of yourself. My IC told me this joke:

"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One but the lightbulb has to want to change."

Just going is a sign that you are open to looking inside and changing, which is a very hard thing to do. (I am extremely resistant to therapy, to change, to seeing things in any way but my screwed up way)

Everyone's therapy experience is very different, based on the therapist and the individual. I see a psychiatrist, rather than a psychologist, and think that makes a bit of difference but not sure. While we are very close, there is no small talk and I know next to nothing about her life. There is more of a clinical feel to the sessions compared to the psychologist we saw in MC and the psychologist that my H sees.

My experience was initailly like yours - a lot of head nodding, the ocassional question, even a lot of awkward silence with me filling up the space with nonsense talk.

In the early days, we had a lot of conversations like these:

I told her that I was uncomfortable and didn't know what to say and she kept telling me that I should just say whatever came to mind, that I shouldn't edit myself.

I told her I wanted an agenda, a curriculum for recovery, that our sessions seemed aimless. She told me that therapy doesn't work that way.

I told her that I was frustrated, that I wasn't changing, that I was still miserable and lost. She told me that it sometimes get worse before it gets better and that change is difficult and very slow, slow, slow.

I told her that I felt we were going around in circles, talking about the same things over and over. She said that is how therapy works - that the foundation of therapy is repetition, which, if successful, is eventually followed by resolution.

I told her that I hated coming to her, that I was uncomfortable and dreaded talking about painful things. She said that probably indicated that I should be there.

I told her that I was angry at her for not making me better. She said that I was the one who had to do the work.

SHE WAS SO RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!

I think that the first few months are about building an environment of trust, where you start to feel comfortable talking.And, before they dive in, I think that the IC really has to get to know you and your history.

After about 6 months, my IC got much more vocal and expressed stronger points of view about what is healthy for me and what isn't....not always,though. There are still sessions where the burden is on me.

I still don't look forward to going to see her, though I like her very much and have tremendous respect for her wisdom and insight. But, I ALWAYS feel as if a burden has been lifted when I leave and I almost always feel a step closer to the happy, healthy person I want to be.

Please give it some time and see what you think. But, if you don't feel that you can connect with this IC after a while, then he/she may not be the right one for you. Like everything on this site, it takes time. And try to be as honest as you can and to challenge the IC and express your feelings about therapy. I have an authority issue and either crumble or become defiant. I have behaved in both ways during IC. I have learned, though, that there is no point in IC if you are not totally honest about everything.

I hope that your experience brings you growth and peace. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

I believe the first few sessions in C (IC or MC) are an information gathering process for the therapist. On going, yes wou will still do most of the talking, but your C should be prompting your thought process with questions and dialogue that help you discover answers within yourself.

I know when I started C, I was hopeful that the therapist would have the magic answer and make all the pain go away. But that isn't how it works. It takes time and can be painful as you discover things about yourself, your spouse and your marriage. In the long run, hopefully these discoveries and your subsequesnt actions can lead to your ultimate happiness.

Lisa

I've done it for a while for different issues, divorce, death of my father, and this. It's usually me talking. Blah, blah, blah. And, then every time at the very, very end they'll ask me a simple question which is usually deeply profound. Then I go off and think about it for a month or so. When I feel like I've got my hands wrapped around the issue then I go back to review it, then more blah, blah, blah, and then the next question or sometimes its homework. It's like a very slow, pondering process of self-discovery.

For this issue, I've been 3 times to a new IC. Homework #1 was to find some ways to take care of myself. I did that for about 6 weeks. Homework #2 was to think about what I would look like when I "returned to my powerful self". When I went back for the third time, I didn't want to hear what she had to say which was something like I was regressing back to where I don't take care of myself so I needed to go back to step 1. And, I'm kind of whiny about that right now and don't want to listen to her so I'm in a place where I'm not going back. Which means I probably need to! So I guess my Homework #3 is to figure out why I don't want to listen to her.

Welcome to therapy 101!