Hi Pat, thanks for checking on me and caring how I am doing. Have you been reading all my posts? Yesterday was the first day I could say I had a really good day in the past 41 days. I'd had decent days b4 and ALOT of bad/terrible days. As you know, I've expressed the need of total honesty to my H, if we r to work towards fixing our marriage. Since the day I found out, I had caught him in 4 lies...that's that I know of. The last one was it for me and I think he knew that. Since, I've told him the importance of honesty, no matter what it is. That no matter what he tells me, it cannot hurt me anymore than I have already been hurt. I've told him what I needed to help reassure me and to help me heal. For the most part, he has done these things. One major problem I'm still having is not knowing that he has not called her from work since Mon. December 10, 2007..the day I found out. H always called her from a work phone, never his cell. Another major issue is that I do not know what she looks like..this haunts me daily. I know some wives may not want to know, but for me its extremely important for many different reasons. My daily problem....I told him that anytime he thinks of anything that they talked about or did, I wanted him to tell me. The more he tells me, the less I feel that there is anything between them..if that makes sense. No more secrets that just they 2 share. Yesterday morning he told me something that reminded him of her. He openly shared something without me questioning or prodding. It meant so much to me. That is why I was able to have such a good day. But I told him that when he thinks or is reminded of her or anything about that situation to tell me then...not later. But that's what he did....waited and told me later. I'm not sure how much later it had been. All I want is complete openness so that I can stop feeling so insecure and threatened. The way I see it is, the more he tells me the less in the dark I still am. I know that no one can completely control their thoughts. Sometimes you are going to think about things you don't want to think about. I told H I understood this, that is why I wanted him to share his thoughts..that it would be ok...it would help me. So really there's no telling how much and often H thinks of OW or is reminded or her, things they did, talked about. In 41 days, all the things that he's told me...what happened, what they did, what they talked about....I can count on one hand...of the things I did not already know about. If he cannot be totally open on this, I won't have much faith about the future. These things may sound crazy, but to me knowledge is the best cure. We came up with safe words about him telling me when he's reminded of something they did or talked about..."extra points" or "bonus points"..that way I can say yes or later. Then he will know to tell me then or tell me later. Either way I get to decide. But if he waits and doesn't say something in the moment, then its me being left in the dark....again. Thanks ahead for any advice, suggestions, and input.
I do understand the insatiable need to know it all. Believe me I do. But, you have to encourage you husband in the telling too. He is getting it out, something that is extremely hard for him to do, because it goes completely against his comfort zone that has worked for him all his life. I am not saying he is right, only that it is painful for him to tell you in more ways then you can think of. Once the thought of telling you an affair related thing enters his head, which is not something that happens naturally, he has to work the courage up to tell you, all the while arguing with himself on whether he should or not. This unfortunately takes time. Keep encouraging him, he will get better and better at it, and tell you more readily as you both progress.
If you need to see the OW, be firm on this. Let him know it is nonnegotiable and a deal breaker. I know a woman whose husband hired a PI to take a video of the OW for his wife so he could fill this need for her and not break the No contact agreement. There are ways. As I said B4, my husband contacting the company photographer and went through old photos to find one of the OW for me to be able to know what the woman looked like that had the gall to sleep with my man.
Remember, baby steps, we heal at a snail pace and so do our WS’s.
I agree with Ami...it is so hard for the WS to open up and tell...it took my H about 8 months before he was totally honest and then omitted telling me one thing that I really needed to know..found that out 3 yrs later...that omission (lie) cost so much..emotionally.
I printed out Josephs letter for my H many times...you can find it in the healing links on the left side of the page..That letter helped my H understand what I needed to know..But I can also say that he never volunteered information about his A's..I had to ask questions and more questions until I finally felt that I knew the story..
I hired a PI to film the OW..because I needed to know.
I am happy that you are doing better.
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Beth - as far as your need to know what she looks like, I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to find out. My H had 2 OW. I had to know what they looked like.
The first one he told me about, I did see. I am in some ways ashamed to admit, but I stood outside her apartment one early morning and waited for her to walk down the steps on her way to work so I could see what she looked like. I didn't say a word to her, I just looked. Although, it was incredibly painful, I think in the long run it helped in my healing. It helped me gather all the information I needed to heal. It was one less secret that they shared.
The other OW I was never able to see. My H told me about her 2 years after their 'meeting'. By then she had moved and I could never track her down. To this day (I am 5 years past d-day) I would still like to know what she looks like.
I wish you all the best in this long and difficult road of healing.
I also needed to know what the OW looked like, though I was only able to track down one....by Googling her. Luckily, or unluckily, there were a couple of pictures of her at some events.
I think I needed to somehow experience H's A - same reason I wanted the details. But, for me, there weren't enough pictures just like there weren't enough details....and I have plenty. The reality is that I can never know what happened minute by minute or really know what OW looked like. She was nothing special in her pictures but then I am haunted by other questions....was she better in real life? was she better without her clothes on? It will never end if I allow myself to go there (and sadly, I do sometimes).
And, there are one OW and a few unsavory dalliances that I have no idea what they look like and probably never will. The need to know was intense/obsessional at first but it seems to have really diminished over time as I truly accept that it all happened, that I can't make it go away and that knowing what they looked(I am about 2 1/2 years past D Day) isn't going to make it better for me. I still want to know but the difference is that I no longer feel that I need to.
Do whatever you can or are willing to do to find out, if you want to, but don't feel hopeless if you aren't able to.
H has agreed to and called for an appt for IC. I think that it will help him understand his "need" to call these escorts. I have my 2nd appt on ther 24th with my counsler. Aan this forum is just what one needs especially when you need some advice or just someone who is caring in regards to these situations.
