By now I am very familiar with the roller coaster concept but I am however surprised by how much it’s affecting me or how bad am experiencing it after such a long time. It been over a year now and at times I am really struggling. The ups and downs and the mood swings are just so drastic. The one moment I would think of the A or certain things about it and I would get so down that I question whether I will ever get over this and whether I can continue with my M and I would cry myself to sleep. Then I could wake up, get a coffee and drive to work, bobben to music, thinking life is good and things are going to ok. The contrasts between these moments are so extreme that I feel like I am crazy or like I am pi-polar or something. Does anyone else, after the year mark still experience this? Is this normal? What’s wrong with me? Do you think that being seperated from my W and the loneliness has something to do with it? Why can’t I just accept this?
This message has been edited by hartbroken44 on Jan 25, 2008 8:17 AM
YES! I experience this, too. You are normal, Hart. Though I'm sure the absence of your wife potentially exacerbates those feelings at times, I'd bet dollars to donuts that the same thing would be happening if she were right there with you.
I know it sucks. The same thing hit me really hard during the holidays. DDay was about 17 months ago for us, and the ride keeps going. When you're experiencing it, it feels like it won't end and its hard to see it just as a phase. The bi-polar comparison is a good one. Hard to feel like a rational human being when your emotions take the climb,dive,dip and turn that seems to come without much warning. (Hart: remember this down the road when your H is going through menopause and you'll be able to be really empathetic! )
I know this has a lot to do with deep parts of our brains still trying to process the trauma. A while ago, someone posted here that they lived in New Orleans when Katrina hit and they lost everything. They also said that the trauma from the A was absolutely worse.
Maybe Ami or Tom or one of the long timers could let us know when the rollercoaster ride seemed to end for them. No guarantees it'd be the same for us, but it'd be a benchmark of sorts. I don't think its unusual in the least for you to be experiencing this still. Hang in there. ((Hart))
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Thank you BlueIris, its very comforting to know that it's normal because to tell you the truth its feels like I am going crazy. Unfortunately today is one of those days where I just don’t feel right. A very uneasy feeling if you will. Thanks for taking the time to always respond to my posts! You are really always there and the first to post a reply on so many of posts here on HH. And this while you are obviously struggling with your own issues. That’s amazing and thank you.
Ps. Hopefully i never have a H and hopefully he never goes through menapause...LOL
This is the one message I got from being here and reading books and everything I did to work through stuff. You may begin to question your sanity but remember you are dealing with and extreme situation. You will have extreme responses, even a year later. There is not rules about recovery. How long it takes depends on so many things, no one can say its time you were doing better. Only you can determine that.
Well, I am over 2 and 1/2 years and still have times of great despair, pain and rage.
I actually talked about this in therapy this morning,saying I was tired of it all and afraid I was going to turn into a bitter old hag who can't let go of the past (Miss Havisham from "Great Expectations" was the analogy I used). Again, IC reminded me that I suffer from PTSD.
I asked her, like Hart asked, if I would ever stop having those traumatic "dips," and her answer, sadly was "probably not." She did say, however, that over time, the pain may become less sharp and that I should get better at learning how to cope, take care of myself, find ways of dealing with it, see things in a different way. And, I think that I have gotten better at talking myself through the pain but have a long way to go.
I think that we can't be too hard on ourselves. Infidelity is an excruciating experience that words cannot describe. For me, it touched all of my worst fears and insecurities. It will never be all right. But, the catastrophe has been a catalyst for change -- in my H, in our M and most importantly, in me.
For the first two years, the As dominated my life and my thoughts....not an hour went by without thinking about it. Now, not a day goes by without thinking about it but there definitely are hours that are A-thought free. The difference is that today, I can also marvel at the progress and that seems to balance things out a bit.
OOPS! Color me embarrassed, Hart. Guess I was typing too fast for my brain to keep up. Don't really expect you to have an H anytime in the near future...let alone one going through menopause: LOL! In the meantime, I hope today feels better.
Hart, how often do you get to see your W? How long are the separations? What have you found to be most helpful while she's gone? What's the hardest thing to handle when she's away? BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I am 7 1/2 years past d day. The hurt is still with me but the pain is gone. It is like a distant memory of a bad time in my life. I can honestly say I can look at the A as my H's insecurities and be objective.
I had no idea what PTSD was but after living it I understand it fully. It hits like a sludge hammer and consumes your life for such a long time. Now when I sit back and analyze it, I understand why it takes so long to overcome. The first year was over the top and unbelievably awful. The crying, tears, snot and sleepless nights consumed my life. I was out of control, insane and crazy all at the same time. Then after year one, I started experiencing a few glimpses of comfort here and there. It was at about 2 1/2 years that I finally released myself of most blame (at the time I thought it was all blame but I still had more work to do in that area).
Slowly more and more time started seeping in and gave me more peace. Now I understand what a tremendous trauma d day was and why it took so long to overcome. How can we expect the body and mind to process this craziness over night.
I know now that my biggest fault pre d day was I was a human doormat. That is likely why it took me longer to overcome (Oh Oh there I go excusing things). All I know is when you are standing there with your life shattered to pieces in the palm of your hands it takes a lot to rebuild it. I does take time but QUALITY time is the key.
The books and educating I experienced because of this is priceless. I know I have changed because many of my family members think I have lost compassion and don't understand me. They don't know of my troubles so I am kind of foreign to them.
There isn't a time frame on overcoming this. You are grieving lost reality. Putting a life back together is a long process.
Remember each and every one of us are unique and one of a kind. What is empowering or earth moving may be defined differently by the next person. Sorting through misgivings is a different journey for each of us. We each plow our own paths.
One of my biggest hurdles was getting back my self worth. Feeling sane and normal was a huge step.
I have just experienced the loss of my mom and I was struggling with it. My H pointed out to me that I was abandoned by her a long time ago so my concern about not being more grief stricken is because I did my grieving already. I did the inner work and let her go long ago.
I just recently read a book and it pointed out that the most traumatic times in our life are also the most memorable times. When we page back in our memory those times in life are also linked to the times we earned the most valuable wisdom.
Had d day not happened I would have never learned and understood the concept of human behavior. I would have lived on thinking H fooled around on me because I wasn't good enough etc.
The truth is he did this all on his own. He chose the frame of mind to cheat and have sex with another while in a committed relationship instead of taking responsibility for the life he and I created and were responsible for. He tried to pretend there was a temptation beyond his control that lured him in. He fabricated in his mind fate and circumstances reeled him in. A mature mind and body does not excuse themselves in these ways.
Hey Blue, to answer some of your questions, my W and I are basically apart for 4 months (with just over 2 months left) due to circumstances with her job. I see her about every 3 weeks for a weekend, sometimes every two weeks if I am lucky. We talk on the phone everyday but we don’t always have the time to have lengthy conversations. The time on the phone with her is so precious to me that I try not too discuss or talk about negative things, which would obviously include the A.
This is one of the things that are hard for me because I am so sad sometimes or have such a hard time with something but have to keep it in because I don’t want to upset her or spend our only 5 min talking about that. I know this is not healthy, and it wasn’t like that when she was here, it is just circumstances at the moment. That’s part of the reason I started seeing a C.
I also think the reason I am struggling is because when we were together she would comfort me during the low times and when I was upset, or help me to get out of the funk. Now when I think of something bad or have a bad moment, there is no one to help me “snap” out of it and it just snowballs to the point were I am completely down in the dumps. Being apart from your loved one is hard by itself and when you miss someone that in itself evokes feelings of sadness and loneliness. This, coupled with my struggles regarding issues of the A is just a bad combination.
The trust issue is also tough since she is so far away. We separated during a time that I felt I was not ready to be alone but it was a necessity. It’s obviously a worry, but to an extend. I think that I have mentally blocked that worry because of my inability to monitor her or to be there, I WILL go insane if I worry about that everyday. I just have to take the leap of faith and trust that she wants this marriage to survive as much as I do.
What I have found the most helpful is to keep in touch as often as we can, to constantly reassure each other of our love for each other and to keep our eyes on the prize which is being together again, in a new city, having a fresh start and being away from OM and away from triggers that this city holds for me.
Ps. Thanks for the words of wisdom Amber...it gives me hope and a sense of normalcy
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