It has been about two months since discovering the A. WS has ended it but is now on a 10-day (required) on-site educational stay at a university campus where he is working on an postgraduate degree. The OW is there as well and I am not coping with this very well although I never told him that he couldn't go. I agreed to it because I thought it would be too big of a sacrifice to ask him not to go. WS has been very good at emailing me and texting me frequently throughout the day but I have been going crazy thinking about everything that has happened. Last night was particularly hard for me...I was alone (my daughter was sleeping over at a friend's) and he was working late on a project until midnight so I knew he couldn't talk to me) Finally, I talked to him late and he stayed on the phone with me until 3 a.m. He has had one conversation with the OW since he has been there, mostly with her getting angry at him for lying (he told her that he was separated, which wasn't true).

We have not yet been to see a MC since the A nor has he been to IC although I have asked him to and he has promised to see a therapist. A lot of this transpired over the Christmas holiday so admittedly, it was mostly a scheduling problem. I've been to an IC twice. I feel like this trip is too soon but he had no choice because if he didn't go he would be kicked out of the degree program and would have to come up with $60K to pay back his company for leaving. Since he has left, I have had second thoughts about my agreement to allow him to continue in the degree. It is very intensive and takes up about 25 hours or more of his time every week (not including the on-site portion, which continues for the next 7 days). He also works full time on top of this. The program will go for another nine months and I am in despair.

He has also booked another overnight business trip on his first week back, which I think was really not a good idea. I fear that the A may be over but he is not changing the circumstances that led up to the A. We hardly spent any time together prior to the A because we have such different interests. At one point, before finding out about the A, I literally went to WS and begged him to dedicate just ten percent of the time he spends on his postgraduate studies with me. He agreed but never followed through.

WS has undergone a transformation in many ways since the A. He has cried (first time since I've known him) and opened up to me about his childhood, telling me things that I never knew. We have been married for 22 years.

Honestly, I think he/we still have a long way to go. I feel like this degree program is getting in the way of us getting back together. Unfortunately, we are living in separate houses now but have been attempting to reconcile nevertheless.

I'm glad there is a place where I can share my thoughts on this horrible time in my life. Any insight or inspiration would be appreciated.

Canadianyogini, welcome to the site. Sorry that you found yourself here. I remember in my first days how I couldn’t believe that I am posting here, but considering our circumstances it’s a good place to be. There are wonderful people here, people who knows exactly what you are going through and that will give great advice.

It sounds like your husband is remorseful and that is good but he is going to have to put you first and work on his marriage. Trust me I know the feeling of having your spouse around the OP after d-day. My W worked with OM for 10 months before she was able to get another job. Sometimes circumstances make it hard and I understand, I was a victim of that but if at all possible, he has to cut all contact with OW, minimize of totally erase business and overnight trips for now and give you what you need to get better.

I am happy to hear that you have already attended IC. I just had my first session last week and it’s been just over a year since d-day. Because it’s so new to me I cannot say much about it but most people here say IC is great and a necessary.

Take care of yourself, it’s a long hard road and you are going to have many ups and downs but with the support of your husband you can get through this.

Welcome:

I'm sorry that your husband chose to have an affair. It sounds as if the situation he's in afforded ample opportunity and brought the temptation to bear. As an adult, he made the decisions that put him in the middle of the temptation, and then the decisions that kept him there rather than fleeing that which had the potential to destroy him. That's how most affairs work... a series of bad choices that compound.

While I understand the issues related to his studies, and how those decisions must be made in these times (given that we all need to provide income), I also think that living apart is yet another bad choice. Reconciling in the best circuimstances is very difficult even when the spouses share the same house and have plenty of opporunity to do the work of recovery. Living apart with the demands of work and school are going to make your recovery efforts very difficult.

I would like to suggest that you get some help as soon as possible for improving the communication, transparency, and vulnerability in your marraige. One program that has helped many people here of this forum is call Retrouvaille. There is a link to their website on our Helful Links page. This will help you and your husband to quickly learn how to become better at communication and intimacy in your relationship. The fact that he has not shared critical experiences in his past suggests that he (and possibly both of your) have been less transparent in your marraige than many people expect.

Thanks for sharing your situation, and giving us an opportunity to share our experiences in infidelity. It's my hope that you will find solice, understanding, and helpful advice here on The Healing Heart.

TomJ

Just wanted to say thanks for the words of encouragement and support. It's amazing how much it helps when you are alone and confused to be able to reach out even virtually, and have someone respond. Only two more days until H returns from his onsite visit and he has decided to cancel his 2-day business trip the following week after a few heart to heart conversations. Much appreciated for being there...

Dear C.Y. - Welcome. I'm so sorry that circumstances and your H's bad decision have landed you here. Each of us has a unique situation and story, but the common thread is that we understand your pain. We'll do everything we can to share what we know and to be a place of support along the way, if we can.

I'm really glad to hear you two are having some deep conversations and that he's changing what he can of his schedule to be with you. I know how difficult it can be when they're out of town or even in the same house but out of the same room.

Recovery and reconciliation are a long journey, but they are possible. Where there is a will, there is a way. For the M to recover, you both have to want it. This can be some of the hardest lifework you ever do...and that's a huge challenge when one or both spouses have professions that require over and above committments. But it is possible.

I'm fighting a nasty cold and need to plop myself back into physical recovery mode (bed and meds), but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."