That's how I feel. D-day was in August for me-after 20 years of marriage-but I'm still sooo struggling and it doesn't seem to get any better.

H begged me to stay with him. At the time I had no faith in what he said and had decided to leave him but he took me to the church we married in, went down on his knees at the alter and cried like I've never seen him cry. I believed him to be sincere. Since then he has tried hard to be transparent with his movements and has broken off all contact with the OW.

But the problem is that she lives in the same town as we do so I see her around all the time. She pulls faces and sticks her fingers up at me. She ( I cannot bring myself to use her name but rather prefer to call her 'Lardarse') has continually harrassed my entire family since H dumped her. The police have been involved and she is banned from entering our road. She still drives past the end of the road every day though and calls our phone several times a day (we run a taxi business so can't just change our number). Even her family members have harrassed us, with one of her daughters receiving a police caution. She still tries to get H to meet her if she sees him in town, though he tells her to f*** off and won't enter into conversation with her. She has said to me that she will take him off me (has even said that to our sons who are 18 & 15) and has made death threats against me. As she has a history of mental illness, I no longer feel comfortable in our town. I also feel embarrassed that so many other people know what has happened and have had to stop myself from becoming reclusive.

But here we are 5 months up the road and I still cry myself to sleep at the pain and betrayal. I thought our marriage was strong and close so I still don't understand why this has happened. Lardarse is a short, fat lump with a huge backside (as my name for her suggests) and she is definitely no looker. And as she has proven herself to be deeply unpleasant too, I am no nearer to getting to grips with it all. I wake up in the early hours and often feel suicidal-it is only my boys that keep me from jacking it all in.

I look at H and I no longer see the man I was married to but I suppose that is normal? I cannot concentrate on anything anymore-everything is too difficult to face so I am drifting. We did have one counselling session with RELATE but it was so expensive, we cannot afford to go again, even though H would go with me.

I've changed as a result of this affair. I can't remember what being happy is and every time I think about the years gone by (bringing up our boys, our marriage pre-affair etc) I just feel overwhelmed with loss and sadness and start to cry.

I know no-body has any answers for me. But it helps me to write this down and share it with you. I just want to feel normal again...but it isn't going to happen, is it.

Welcome English Girl. You will find good company here.

The situation with the OW is not right. I don't know what you can do to end it, but her constant attacks must seem like she's re-opening the wound over and over again.

Ami is right that over time you will find your old self as you learn to live in this new reality. It can seem slow at times, but progress does march on, especially if your spouse is being fully remorseful, transparent, and humble.

The good news is that you can put the OW into a place of irrelavance to your marriage if you and your husband can form a partnership and united front against her. This doesn't necessarily mean that you need to go onto the outright offensive, but just united in your marriage relationship against her. Working together as a team is a good way to help rebuild the marriage relationship.

Welcome to our site and I hope you will be able to continue to post.

TomJ

You have nothing to feel shamed or embarrassed about! It isn't you that did anything wrong. This is not your fault.

When she is acting like a 2 year old do what you would do to a child doing that (that you aren't allowed to punish because it isn't your own) IGNORE THEM!!!

If you keep ignoring her, eventually you would think she would go away.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this horrible mess.

Dear Englishgirl - Welcome.

I wanted to let you know that you WILL feel normal again. Its going to take a while, and it may not be the same "normal" that you knew, but you can find your way back to you and a life that doesn't revolve around infidelity pain.

Part of why the process takes so long to recover, is because there is a lot of grieving that has to happen for what was lost. No one died in this tragedy, but there is a lot that changed. I remember months after DDay, pumping gas one night, and it all of a sudden hit me that I had lost my bestfriend (my H) because of this situation. He was (and is) still there with me, still my H, but the ability to see him as my truest friend was in that moment gone. We're currently working towards healing that relationship as well as the M, but it is an example of one of many kinds of losses that need to be worked through.

I'd encourage you to read and post here. Look in the "Helpful Links" section for books on infidelity recovery. There is a lot of effort you both will need to make to reconcile and recover from this. IC and MC can be expensive - but if there's anyway to save up for it or even do it on a limited basis, it can really help. In the meantime, we're not licensed therapists, but we've all got a lot of experience under our belts that we're happy to share.

As for your horrible problem with OW, I don't know the laws in England, but here in the states, there are definitely laws on the books regarding harrassing phonecalls. Could you or your H call the phone company regarding your rights and what she potentially could be charged with for harrassing you? Maybe the police and phone company can work in tandem to cut the legs out from under this smarmy woman. Being a united front with your H against her irrational and illegal behavior is probably the best message you can send. But its important that you and your family be safe.

My thoughts are with you. I hope today is a good day. Blueiris





"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Many thanks for your kind replies. It does help me to know that you have experienced what I am going through and so know EXACTLY where I am coming from. My family (by that I mean parents and sisters) are loving and are there for me but none of them have suffered infidelity. So thank you for your support.

I felt particularly low the evening I posted my message as it was the night before my dear grandfather's funeral. He was 92 and died peacefully but it was another quantity of pain to deal with.

You are right in saying that the OW phoning makes my recovery harder. Only today she has called our taxi business number. We have blocked loads of numbers from her (with the assistance of British Telecom) and have banned all Witheld numbers just to stop her. So now she just goes around phone boxes and calls from them. The police have given her an official caution and charged her with criminal damage but she still carries on.

Most recently, two nights before New Year's Eve, our youngest son was walking back into our road during early evening with his pals. Two guys in a car were lying in wait, jumped on him and his pals as they entered our road and proceeded to beat them up. My son is only 15 years old but he is over 6' tall and muscley. But he didn't stand a chance against one of the guys stabbing him in the back. He spent two nights in hospital having an operation to clean and stitch the wound. Luckily my boy is fine, even though the docs have told me clearly that half an inch to the left would have got his kidneys and killed him while an inch to the right would have severed his spinal cord and paralysed him for life. What has this got to do with the A? Well, the guy that stabbed my boy is the stepson of the OW. The police haven't said much to us so I don't know what the outcome will be in court. But the family connection surely can't be ignored?

My H is trying hard to make amends-I know that. But I still struggle with trust...naturally. I also question it when he says he loves me because I think 'Well, if you loved me so much, how come you were willing to hurt me so much?"

I guess in his own way he is struggling too. He must feel so guilty over everything, especially our son being stabbed. I have been told by an old family friend that during my grandfather's wake H got talking to her about the A (she did already know about it before he started talking to her) and seemed to need to talk. He told her he was worried about me because I am so tearful and how helpless he feels.

I don't know what the future holds for us but he seems desperate for us to work things out. But it's going to be a rocky road I fear.

Oh My Gosh, I am so sorry your son was attacked and so brutally. How awful for you all. I am glad to here that he will be ok. I just don't know what to say about the connection to OW, certainly it can't be ignored. I hope proper actions are taken.

((((HUGS))))

Ami

This situation seems completely criminal at this point. I hope that the police are able to get the evidence needed to take action against both the person who assulted your son AND the OW who most likely had some role.

TomJ

Good morning, English Girl (though there it may be afternoon or evening currently ). I'm just wondering how you're doing and hoping things are better for you and your family. I'm hoping your son is healing well. I'm also hoping that the guys who assaulted him were arrested and charged. Don't know if the police could file attempted murder charges, but certainly assault with a deadly weapon? Even if they're minors themselves, I'm assuming they could/should be charged. Its important (I think) for the OW and her friends/family members to understand that there are consequences for what they are continuing to do to your family...especially once they cross the line and begin to do physical harm to you, your children and/or your H. ((hugs)) BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) that is so scary, that your son was stabbed and that there is a connection to OW. Didnt any of these WS's ever see the movie "Fatal Attraction"? My Gosh....your poor son as well, and for you to have to go through all that...I am so sorry.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Thank you for your kind thoughts. Yes, my son is okay I am glad to say. I don't know what the guy that stabbed him will be charged with just yet-we are still waiting for a decision from the Crown Prosecution Service. As he (the stabber) is 18, he will face being treated as an adult in the eyes of the law.

However I am sorry to report that the OW is still hounding us. She is still phoning our business number constantly from call boxes...yesterday she called 5 times throughout the day, all from different call boxes in town. We made a point of obtaining the number of every call box in town so that we could tell if it was her, so we did not pick up any of her calls yesterday.

Then one of my son's friends walked past our road last night and saw her parked at the end of it, just watching our house. He called my son and told him so both my boys ran out of the house and charged towards her. My eldest boy is 18, 6'4" tall and has muscles you wouldn't want to argue with. She took one look at him coming towards her and quickly started her car and drove off. However my son managed to dent the back of her car with his fist before she went. My H was worried that she would report him to the police but I pointed out that she has actually been banned from entering our road so she can't report it to the police because the first thing they will ask is 'where did this take place?'

I have no idea why she was watching our house or why she keeps driving past our road every day to look in. Nor do I know why she keeps phoning every day only to say nothing. But I was reading a website last night about stalking and it states clearly that here in the UK the laws on stalking are iffy to say the least but every thing that happens MUST be reported to the police, even if they don't act on it. So I have written them a letter telling them that OW is still harrassing us even though she was given an official caution and ordered not to pester us.

I don't know what the police will do once they read my letter. I get the feeling that they have written it off as a 'domestic' because of the affair and I am just an embittered wife. Also because OW uses the defence that my H and her are still seeing each other. But I am confident that he has definitely ended the affair some months ago. He is being sooo transparent and accountable...and hey, nobody is going to be more watchful than us guys that have been cheated on! But because she tells the police that they are still meeting, they seem reluctant to act.

The whole situation is a nightmare. I have enough to deal with, trying to recover from the betrayal and pain I feel. I sure don't need this other crap from her. My H is trying hard to repair our marriage and I know he feels responsible for our son being stabbed. But the nasty OW won't leave us be. I despise her.

I appreciate your kindness to me so thank you all. It helps me to talk to you.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all this. As if the stabbing pain of the betrayals were not enough, your son had to be stabbed too!! It must be truly awful and I admire you for being able to even express yourself in a rational way.

I too was worried about on of my H's OW stalking us. He did not have sex with this particular one but there was a lot of sexual talk and flirtation. My H recognized that she was unstable and, following D Day, wanted nothing to do with her. Yet, the phone calls and e-mails continued, getting increasingly agitated when there was no response. Then, she tried to get a job where I work and made phone calls to my trainer telling her to work me harder or my H would fire her (I know, crazy,and even funny, though it did not seem so at the time.)

Our MC and my IC said that it was very important that there be no contact of any kind, that stalkers want to maintain a connection, even if it is a negative one. We were told not to respond at all, not even to tell her to leave us alone. Not sure if that was good advice or bad but it is very consistent with all the research I did about stalkers.

This crazy OW left angry, viscious messages for a long time but finally went away. We think she found a new target.

I was so furious with my H for bringing that insanity into our lives and for exposing us to danger. But,after a long time, I was able to recognize that he was even more angry with himself and felt terrible guilt and shame.

I hope that she gets out of your life so that you can focus on rebuilding your M without the added insanity of an unstable OW.

Hi
Thanks for your message. I can fully understand why you wanted to blame your H for bringing the madness of a stalker into your lives. I too feel that way but I refrain from saying so to him now. I did at first when the OW first started being a pest because I wanted to 'lash out' at him for hurting me. But since our son has been stabbed, I'm guessing that H probably feels totally responsible for bringing the situation on and pointing the finger will not help to repair our marriage. Nor do I wish to slag him off in front of our sons. They are 18 & 15 so have been totally clued up to what has been going on....but he is still their father.

I see from website advice sites about stalkers that we should indeed ignore the pattern of stalking that OW has established. This is easier said than done when it is a continual drip-drip effect. I am not responding to her now but I have done in the past because she p***** me off so much.

She took an overdose in September (classic stalker attention-seeking behaviour apparantly) and phoned our home from the hospital where she had been sectioned, sounding all 'doped up'. I was the one that answered the phone that day and her words to me were, 'I'm in hospital. I took an overdose'. What did she expect me to say, I've often wondered? Did she think I would say, 'oh dear, you can have my H because I feel so sorry for you'?
What I actually said to her was, 'I hope you are not expecting any sympathy from me? YOU knew he was a married man with a family so you knew EXACTLY what you were getting yourself into. I'm the innocent one here that did nothing wrong but because of your actions, I have wanted to commit suicide every day since finding out. So don't phone here bleating because you messed with a married man but didn't get your own way.'

Was I harsh? Yes I was but to this day I do NOT regret it because I meant every word. On one occasion at a later date, she phoned our number and got to speak to H and begged and pleaded with him to leave me and live with her. I could hear what was being said because I was stood next to H and I couldn't believe it when she said, 'You can't worry about your kids, they are adults'. She is a mother herself (5 kids all from different fathers) so I was appalled at her lack of concern for them. What kind of mother is SHE? She has a daughter the same age as my son (15)-hardly adults.

The signs of being a stalker were there in the first place but H didn't recognise them. He first met her when she was a fare in his taxi and she made it clear that she was available. He told her immediately that he was a married man but she didn't care. She continued to drive around our town looking for him after that night, turning up at the taxi ranks and followed him home so that she could wait at the end of our road. He admits he was flattered by her attentions (mid life crisis he calls it) and so he agreed to begin meeting up with her. But I've pointed out to him that her pursuing him so relentlessly shows what a 'stalker' type person she was. I would have been freaked out if it had been me (and a man was following me around) but H felt flattered at the time.

And now we are all paying the price.