My WH and I have been seperated for about 3 weeks. Within that time we comunicated some...talked about troubles in the M before the A. Tried to work on a visiting schedule with the kids...etc. We have been having financial stress on top of all this also. Anyways....We agreed to try and work on the M. My question is.....Would the Fog make him so indifferent towards me? My H is still treating me very badly, and I dont understand why. He even told me he treats everyoneelse nicer than he treats me. What is this??? I am pretty sure there has been NC since Nov. with OP.
He admits he's to blame for the A, finally said it wasnt my fault. We both know we have issues to deal with prior to A.....but why is he so cold towards me. It is not, how I think, a WS would act, if wanted to fix the marriage. I'm so puzzled and aggrivated!! He gets so angry when I mention D and says that I'm the one who doesnt care????? I am really starting to think enough is enough!!
We had a plan for seeing the kids. Since they cant very well stay at his crummy apt, we decided he can come stay at the house on his days and I would leave. Well, last night was our 1st test run of this plan. Didnt quite work out. H came and wanted to talk, blocked my car in the driveway, so I couldnt leave. I tried to be very calm and listen, but it got heated, then it calmed down again after 2-3 hrs. H ended up staying over, told me he was moving back in, got up to go to job interview, and didnt come back, and didnt bother to call. I am trying to stick to my boundries, but it is difficult cause H just doesnt care. Is it the "Fog" or is it the End??
I think it is a kind of fog. I don't claim to understand it, but I've read that sometimes people will sabotage any hope of reconciliation by acting badly toward their betrayed spouse. I don't know if this taking out the anger they hold toward themselves on their spouse instead, or if it's something where they feel that the situation is hopeless, or if it's something where they don't want to be the one to ask for divorce so they provoke their spouse toward that action. I don't really understand it all.
I know that my wife, after the affair spent a lot of time keeping the full truth from me, and possibly even from herself. She spent a lot of time blaming everyone on the planet for her choices that lead to her having sexual intercourse with the OM three different days, five different times. However, through common sense and knowing her, I knew that if she wasn't raped then her clothes didn't just fall off. Over a long period of time I was finally able to pierce through this blindness that she had toward her role in that, and she eventually and finally took full responsibility for what she had done. While might seem that she just did this to satisfy me, I firmly believe she finally had an awakening that changed her attitude.
That happened a couple of years ago, after several years of stalled recovery. The fog can be hard to break through, each person's is a little different, and what it takes to reach them varies as well. In at least my wife's case (if not generally), part of the fog was the defenses she used to deflect responsibility from herself, not only for the affair, but for fully doing her parts in recovery.
There have been times when I have had to shut wife out and push her away. I know this is when I can't seem to face up to dealing directly with her. I feel I need that space to be able to hold my own position in the relationship and not get swept up in her and what she wants and needs. I am not sure if this is the same with your H. It could be he is simply defending himself. As for the blocking of the car, and so on it seems to me he is forcing himself on you in an agressive way and this is certainly not loving behaviour. Anger is likely to be there I feel, perhaps underneath. I can see how in my relationship I tend to lose myself in "us" and I need to get some perspective sometimes and not get swept away - This is why I push wife away a bit.
