I'm having a difficult time this week. I am still unsure if she has upheld the NC. The other night we were talking about a friend of ours and she obviously withheld knowledge from me that pertained to our discussion. I asked her directly and she said no, she would not tell me. She said it has nothing to do with us, so she should keep it to herself. Ultimately, she was saying she would not gossip, but I see it as, I do not know if she is telling me everything and having NC or not. And, she blatantly withheld information from me right there, showing me she is capable and willing to not tell me things. So that started me into a funk, distrust and thoughts of ending this charade.
I continue to research and learn about this infidelity, and try to heal. She is the one who did all she could to destroy our marriage, and now sits back and does nothing to try to help it or heal. She has problems and is trying to wait them out. She still has feelings for OM. We are 8 mo post Dday, and 3.5 mo since she said she really means no contact and 100% committed to us. She still cannot talk to me about any of it. I can talk to her, but she just cries and gets depressed. I really have no idea what she is thinking or feeling. I told her I don't want to hear any more about how she misses OM, I cannot. So she has nothing to say at all.
Before you ask... She saw an IC for about 5 weeks post Dday, but did not connect with her, so she has not returned to any C.
I used to travel regularly for my job, (was almost 1 night/week). A perfect time to liaison. Now, I travel very infrequently. But, I have a two night trip coming up. Today she said she a few girls from work would be going to dinner that first night I'm gone. They don't usually do this, and to pick a night I'm gone is very suspect. And! She told me today, She works Tuesday's and Wednesday's, so why wait two days to let me know?
Oh, how that makes me dig deeper into her communications. Check her computer, and cell bills. I have no way of seeing if they talk on her work phone. No one there knows about her indiscretions, mostly a full turnover of personnel at her office. I should not live like this, I was not living like this. I was just seeing where things go. If we are not to be together, we won't be and I won't worry myself. But, I am not in a good place now. Apparently, not worrying is easier said than done.
I'd like to think that I am just going to move on by myself. That what she does doesn't affect me. There is no us. Yet she is still in a fog. She is the one who started this, caused this and she isn't doing anything to fix it. She may not be doing anything to sabotage it either, but I don't know and I shouldn't have to wonder, she should be more transparent. Why should I wait around?
I feel alot like you at this moment......I feel my H isnt doing anything to R. Although he claims he is, and says I just dont see it. Well If I dont see it, it must not be a good enough effort. It seems we are stuck in the same place and asking ourselves the same questions. Maybe it is easier to say goodbye and walk away......Atleast my H is making it eaier.
I wish I had an answer, Lord knows I can use one right now. I know the sun will set for us again....its just a matter of when. Hang in there, rember your not alone.
Your situation does seem to be one that is stuck and stagnant. The fact that your wife is unwilling to commit her heart to her marraige for so long now is something that would test any man's patience. Your desire to separate seems like a reasonable step. I don't know enough about your situation to know if this is what is happening, but if your wife is playing both sides of her future (her marraige and the OM), or even taking a 'wait and see' attitude about her marriage before deciding to commit to it, then separation might be a step toward "letting her see" her future without that important choice that you and your marriage needs.
The book "Surviving an Affair" by Willard F. Harley Jr is one that I remember dealing with this type of situation, where the WS stays in the marraige after D-day, but doesn't give up the OP. There was an example case given in the book, and Harley talked about his recommendations for how the BS should behave in this type of situation. There was a lot about Harley's book that I didn't like, but one thing that resonated with me was the basic ideas of his "Plan A" and "Plan B" approaches. However, his ideas that love feelings are based a "bank" of loving actions did not sit well with me. In any case, if that's a book you haven't looked at yet you might be interested in reading it for insight into your present situation.
C does not usually work when someone is still having an A. The C more than likely encouraged your W to end the A, which is probably why they did not connect. What about now...is she willing to go now? If not, then maybe there is still contact, or maybe she isnt ready to deal with the mess she has created and is avoiding. What about MC then? At least you will be able to get more of a true reading (and someone elses professional opinion) as to whether or not she is serious about saving the marriage. Although she says she is 100% commited, it doesnt sound that way to me (just my opinion) because she is not acting in a way that says she is commited. Actions and words need to match at this point, otherwise we cannot trust their sincerity. Sounds like your gut is telling you something....you need to listen to it.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
It was great to chat with you and Amy yesterday. I hope today is finding you more focused, patient, knowledgeable, and able to cope knowing there is a great support system behind you such as Healing Hearts.
JJ
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
