Just a little bit ago I was getting my kids ready for school. They were watching a kids show on tv. Suddenly my son, who is 4, said "That girl looks like Kim." I was searching in my mind for someone named Kim that he would know when it occurred to me that OW's name is Kim. I said Kim who. He said "Kim who comes around here." I said she lives around here? He said "No, at that old house." I asked him if it was the old house where Dad had been raking leaves and he said yes. I mentioned in one of my posts how H has been doing yard work for a man recently and I felt he was lying to me about how much he was going to be paid for it. Apparently he may be lying about something else as well. He has taken the kids with him a couple of times when he goes there. I didn't press my son for any more info thinking H might have told them not to tell me and he might balk at too many questions. But I may try asking him more later.
With the 1 year anniversary of DDay coming up I have been feeling that I really need to make a decision one way or the other-to stay or to go. My gut feeling is that my H is a person who is going to keep on being sneaky, lying, and doing what he wants. I have been more seriously looking at divorce as an option. When I try to see myself spending the rest of my life with H, I feel like I will have more of the same to look forward to. I can't see him ever being someone I could fully trust. It's sad when you look at your 7 year marriage and that's all you can see.
Just wanted to share the mornings interesting turn. Hope you are all well.

K

Unfortunately it is not much to go on. This Kim could live there too and there may be nothing to it, but then again you may be right. But the issue is that you do not trust your H, and feel he is lying. As we say "trust your gut". It is usually right. Even if he isnt cheating he could be lying about something else, like you mentioned the amount of money he gets for raking the man's yard. Lying is lying. Having said that, one year is not that long when trying to rebuild the trust. If your H has not worked on his issues, is still lying, and nothing has changed, it is clear why you see only more of the same in your future. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. Only you can decide if this is how you want to live your life.

Oh, one more thing. Do not even bother confronting him unless you have proof, otherwise he will just figure out a way to hide it better. If/when you have proof, you will know what to do. I am sorry you are feeling this way and going through this.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

HI CAL,
You're right that my son mentioning the name Kim doesn't really prove anything at all. It's just that supposedly this house H has been working at is empty. The man who owns it is trying to sell it and he doesn't live there and is not married. From what H says only the owner has been there a couple of times when H was there, no one else. I have no idea where this house is myself so it would be easy for him to meet someone there and me not know about it. And I can't think of anyone that my son knows named Kim.
But anyway, like you said, I don't trust him. I quite often find myself wondering if what he's telling me is the truth. I guess that's normal after finding out about an A. But I really feel like this is a lifestyle for him. I think he's been lying for a long time, probably long before I ever met him. So, feeling this way, you wonder "Why is it so hard for me to make the decision to leave?" Over the past 4 years or so I have discovered that he is sneaky, a liar, a manipulator, selfish, has low morals, always has an excuse and always blames something or someone else for why he did whatever he did (My favorite: I was just trying to do suchandsuch for YOU!)Knowing all of this, why can't I have a spine and say "Hit the road jerk!" I wish it was that easy for me. I know whenever I post here I tend to ramble on. Please excuse me for that. I just feel so lost and so unsure of myself. Is anyone else feeling like this? Like you're not in love with your S anymore because of all they've done but you still aren't sure if leaving is the right thing to do for some reason? Or am I the odd duck here?

K

You are not the odd duck out at all...it is hard to let go. Some people stay not just out of love but out of other things the marriage may offer them....secuirty, finances, the children, value shared history, family, illness, or whatever. Sometimes the trade off is worth it for that person for whatever reason, and I would never judge anyone who stayed or goed. The choise is up to them...they have to live with their choices. And who says down the road you cant change your min if you dont feel better about him or he never earns the trust back?!!! My WH is also a liar and an addict. Why do I want to stay with someone like that? I often ask myself that question. So, I had to uphold my boundaries and we are now separated, and I have no idea what the future holds. This is all so hard...you are not alone (((((((((hugs))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

EDITED TO ADD:
I think you need to find out where this house is. Maybe there is a neighbor named Kim. Even if he isnt meeting anyone there right now, this Kim could be a potential ow. Personally, I would have a hard time not checking up on him and after infidelity has occured I think you have every right to check up on him as often as you like.

If you're an odd duck than I'm one too! I believe many BS sit on the fence for a while. I'm not sure I love my H anymore but I am still here, for the reasons Cal stated, kids, family, security, finances, illness. I can't seem to throw my dreams away. The dream of someone always being there for me, to help me through the tough times, cry with me through the sad times and laugh with me through all of the good times. Someone to grow old with. H was always that person for me.

And I wish he could be again. He says he wants to be and I believe him. But his A and his behaviors after d-day and his lack of depth in working on R are preventing any real R from happening. So I have fallen out of love, yes, no, maybe?

I think your probably correct in saying your Hs lying began long before he met you. I know my H's did. He's not a chronic liar, but he will lie about most things when confronted and he doesn't want to deal with them. I will give him some credit for making baby steps in this area. Mostly where our kids are concerned. He never wanted them to see him in a bad light. He's a smoker and they never knew, but a year ago he had to fess up to them and he doesn't lie to them about that anymore. I wonder what he'll do when they catch him taking the ocassional hit from a joint. So he's made a little progress because his hiding his smoking from them was a huge issue for me because I used to lie to them also, so I now don't have to cover for him. His protective lieing started way before I came into the picture. But how do you trust someone who admits that they lie to cover their own ass. Funny though I don't think he has ever lied at work to cover up a mistake he made or anything like that, he always stands up for his actions at work, will admit he screwed soemthing up and do anything necessary to fix it. Wish I could say the same for his personal life.

I agree with Cal also on the house thing. I would need to check up on it and verify what is going on. Is he still doing work their for the owner?

I feel for you, being stuck just plain s*cks!

Lisa

You are so right--being stuck definitely sucks! How do you trust these CYA kind of guys? You wonder how they got to the point where they decided that telling lies about things in general was the best way to live their lives. I don't get it!
H and I have not had a "physical relationship" in about 10 months. Recently I 've noticed that he is trying harder and harder to get close to me again. He tells me he loves me to which I reply "yah right." But he's been trying to touch me more and I know this is all leading up to him asking me for sex. That's another reason why I feel it's come down to decision making time. My primary feeling about doing that with him is "UGH!" I just don't have those feelings for him anymore. Sad, isn't it?
CAL, I probably should find out where this house it. He gave me a rough idea where it is. But, truth be known I'm tired of chasing around, trying to determine whether he's telling the truth or not. I feel like it's a waste of my time and energy. I'm just so tired of wondering and worrying! Sometimes I just wish that he would run off with someone so that I would have no choice but to divorce him. But at the same time I worry about not havign enough money or not having help with the kids, etc. Sigh.

K

Yes, can totally relate to all of this........My WH is back home after a 3 week seperation. H got a new job, which we are both excited about....funny thing is, his new boss knows exactly where he is at all times, GPS in the Co. truck and Co. cell, so he's keeping tabs on H, at work and at home. Which releaves me from this task.... Anyways......the feeling of being stuck, not to give 100% for fear it will be ripped from u any second. I do luv my WH, but I dont like him right now. Everyday I think, I deserve more than what H is given. So, I wait, hoping that there hasnt been any NC, wait for more effort on H's part to R, hoping that each day will get a little better.....who knows. My IC told me to give it atleast 6 mos before I decide anything, but that rollercoaster is making me so dizzy....I want off.