Hello there. I found your site yesterday morning. I've known about my husband's affair for almost 7 weeks. When I confronted him, he wanted a divorce. I, on the other hand, couldn't comprehend how he would so easily disregard over 28 years of marriage, 3 kids, death of one of the children, the good, the bad, the ugly, etc. without at least first trying to deal with how low our marriage had gone. I was also aware of the fact that my actions for a lot of last year had been helping to drive the wedge further between us. Anyway, a week after my confronting him, he changed his mind and wanted to seek counseling. I told him that he had to break off the affair first. He did, so I found a couples counselor. We went to the therapist twice. At the end of our second visit, we were told we didn't need to come back because we had all the tools to continue on our own....we love each other, we have communication back, are sleeping together, having sex, and both are admitting and realizing that our life style is out of control and we have to work on making things more manageable. The therapist also said we had both realized that what each of us had done were "symptoms" of the type of relationship pattern we had fallen into and are now working towards changing that pattern. Honestly speaking, our life together has so greatly improved. I'm not sure why but I find myself questioning myself daily on whether this is the right way to go. I feel that my husband has no idea how deeply he has hurt me and thinks we can just pick up and carry on. It is also so hard for me not to fall back into my old pattern of withdrawing so I try to get him to open up, he won't, I keep at it and usually end up saying something I regret and he then avoids me. I have also come to realize that I am so terrified of getting hurt like this again and I so don't want to go there. Part of me feels for self-preservation that I should back out now. My husband feels that because he chose to come back to the marriage that he doesn't need to say/do anything "extra" in assuring me that he does love me and wants our marriage to work. I, on the other hand, feel so needy and am constantly looking for reassurance. Am I normal? From what I've been reading, I am but yet I feel that I am really just pathetic.

Welcome, Phoenix. I am so very sorry that you are here, and was deeply saddened to hear of the other tragedy you've had to survive regarding your child. I can't imagine a pain greater than that. But certainly, infidelity is way up there....

I sadly don't have a lot of time right now, but I wanted to say it sounds like the couples counselor you visited was sorely lacking in abilities regarding affair recovery. My H and I are doing fairly well because he is incredibly remorseful and has worked very hard since our DDay 17 months ago, but that's had a lot to do with IC once a week for him, IC once a week for me, and couples counseling for us once a week. All of this therapy has gone on for 15 months and our therapist was actually dismayed to recently hear from us that we needed to pull back on frequency because of financial concerns. All three of us (H, counselor and I) understand very clearly how looooooong recovery takes. You mentioned many emotions you are feeling that need to be addressed. Your H has his own set that aren't particularly jiving with you, and that needs to be addressed.

As is often stated here, there are 3 recoveries that actually have to happen: your healing, your H's healing and the marriage's healing. There is no way that two counseling sessions are going to get you there. There are certainly other resources (couples retreats, books, forums like this) that can help the two of you get to a healthy marriage and relationship, but I'm really dismayed at the counselor's dropping of the ball.

Sadly, I've got to dash, but I do applaud you for doing the research to find this forum and for at least keeping an open mind as to whether or not your future should include your H or not. Its a big decision for both of you. Both of you should take time and effort to make that decision.

Again, my apologies for having to run. I know others will be here shortly to welcome you and give their perspective. In the interim, welcome to our "community". BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Just want to say welcome also...YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC.. you are hurting.. and you are normal!!!

As I read your post I want to say that I think your MC really didn't help you...yes your relationship may have been the terrible, but that didn't give your H permission to seek comfort else where. Your H has to understand that he hurt you and the extent that you were hurt.... You need to vent !!!

I also felt needy...it took a while before my MC and H understood what I needed...the idea that my H romanced OW...treated her like a queen while I got nothing..34 yrs of marriage and I was never treated the same way OW was..I needed the romance, the cards, the reassurance that H loved me.....

Our MC finally understood what I was saying and together got the message to my H...today my H does the small things that he has never done before..

Please seek a new MC one who will work with both of you to get you to a better place...We also have IC...and that has been a big help for me.. and for my H..

Sorry this is short but running out the door...

((((hugs)))

Pat



"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Dear BlueIris and Pat,
Thank you so much for making me feel so welcome and "normal". Nowadays, that's a hard one to come by. I so appreciate both of you taking the time out of your busy day to answer me.

I'm sorry that you are here, as well. I agree that you need more time with counseling. Your emotions, as well as your husbands, will be erratic for months -- maybe years -- to come. You need more time to come to grips with the ebb and flow.

<<I, on the other hand, feel so needy and am constantly looking for reassurance. Am I normal? >>


YES!!!!!!!!

You are not pathetic; you have suffered a trauma and you need support. I don't blame you for being terrified. That is normal, too. If your H doesn't understand this, you both need to return to counseling.

Hang in there.

Dear Lynda,
Thank you so much for validating me.

Phoenix,

I like your name because it speaks of your desire to rise from the ashes and live. You are off to a good start on the road to recovery with the belief that you CAN rise again.

About your H--he absolutely MUST discover what is inside himself that he could give himself permission to cheat. Please believe and encourage him to understand that no matter what problems your marriage might have been having, there was NO EXCUSE for his choosing to have an A. He COULD have chosen to work on YOUR (meaning your and HIS marriage), but he did not. He chose instead to work on his relationshi with OW. There was NO excuse for that choice. How could you feel safe when he has been given carte blanche by a MC not to work on himself and his fallacious thinking and wrong behaviors?

I strongly suggest that BOTH of you find IC that you can work with because I believe that until a WS comes to grips with the whys of the cheating and how much the BS is traumatized, s/he will not work on changing the mindset that allowed the WS to cheat (or prevent him/her from repeating the behavior). The BS needs to go to IC to come to grips with the damage done and work on rebuilding self-esteem, which has been decimated by the crippling blow of the A.

I can tell you and tell you and tell you that the A was ALL about your H, and NOT at all about you, but until you learn to believe and accept that message, you will tend to blame yourself, when, of course, you should not. Can and should you take responsibility for your part in whatever problems were present in your marriage? Absolutely! But under NO circumstances should any BS permit a WS to shift blame/responsibility for an A onto the BS.

We all have choices. You had a choice to stay loyal to your vows, as did your H. He chose not to. Now you both have the choices to work on self and the marriage. You can ONLY work on yourself. You will not feel safe enough to truly commit to your marriage until after you see your H doing the very difficult work of coming to grips with what he did and why he did it. Otherwise, I believe very strongly that even if you stay married, your heart won't be IN the marriage.

Just remember that you had NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING to do with his having an A.

Huge comforting fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

edited to correct typos

Dear Fairyfriend,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel you've hit the nail on the head in my feelings regarding commitment, etc. It would explain so much in how I've been feeling.

It's almost been a year and sometimes I still feel pathetic other times I feel courageous, then weak, then powerful, then numb. Then the cycle starts again. I feel pathetic less often now than I did 10 months ago. I feel strong when I pass the hotels he had sex with other women in and I don't cry. How pathetic is that, my life has been reduced to feeling strong just because I'm not crying?

Welcome to our world. If nothing else, you will build a sense of character that is strong as steel going through this, facing it, dealing with it. None of us actually fall apart, is what I've noticed. Some get kinda stuck, some of the time. But most times, we get unstuck and move forward if not within the relationship within ourselves.

You might think about the time before the A. You may have felt other cycles of emotion. Depression, flat, numb, happiness, and then the cycle starts again. It comes so fast, furious, and intense after an A. But, as women, I think we deal with these rolling cycles of emotions all of the time.

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your child. No parent should have to face that. My mother also had a child that died. As I grow older, I appreciate the pain and anguish, though I can never understand it.

Thank you so much Hope for sharing your thoughts with me.

Hello Phoenix, and welcome,

I am sorry for what you are going through, but Im glad you found us. Many here have already welcomed you and offered you some wonderful thoughts and advice.

I am a huge advocate of therapy, but it sounds as if your MC was not what I'd call a good one. I have had a bad one myself (but now have a great one). Therapy only works if the person (or couple) is willing, honest and open with the therapist, in my opinion, and if the therapist is a good one and the right fit for you (or as a couple). It may be true that you and your H have the tools to get through this, but the tools only work if you both use them. Your H has to want to help "fix" what happened and not expect you to do all of the work just because he decided to stay. A marriage takes two, each giving 100% after infidelity has occured, and the WS needs to do even more. He can't just sit back and listen and turn around and do nothing! The decision to cheat was his alone no matter what was happening in the marriage and needs to figure out why he thought it was OK to go outside of the marriage. I am wondering if the MC gave him what is called a "pass". What I mean by a pass is the MC kindof thinks "since the marriage was not so great, we will just over-look the fact that he cheated instead of addressing it." They treat infidelity as a sympton, and it is, but it is not a sympton of the marriage not being good at the time, it is a sympton of something being not right inside of the WS. This needs to be addressed...usually through IC for the WS. It can be worked through in MC as well, but it is a bit more difficult because the WS needs to own up to his individual behavior outside of the marriage. What Im trying to say is when someone crossed the line into an A it is because they allowed it to happen, not because of the marriage or anything the BS did, and the WS needs to accept that. If a BS does not feel the WS is owning their behavior, is truly remorseful, and do all they can to heal the marriage, of course you'd wonder if you were making the right decision to stay cause a marriage takes two! And since it does, we are each responsible for marital issues, but NEVER are we responsible for the WS having an A. That is their's alone!!! And after infidelity has occured, we need to see action not just hear words.

Is he open to going to IC with a different therapist? Will he be willing to try another MC?

Take care of yourself....((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Phoenix- It was nice to meet you in chat last night. Like everyone is telling you, everything you are feeling is normal. My H is finally understanding that I need reassurance that he chooses me, wants me and loves me. Sometimes I am not very good at just letting him know that is what I need. Usually I just withdraw or am angry. Sometimes we might even argue a bit and then he realizes that I need some reassurance. For awhile I was putting a wall up and not letting anybody in- not my husband, not my friends, and not even God. It didn't take me too long to realize that having the attitude that I was never going to let anyone hurt me again was really only hurting myself and certainly wasn't keeping me on the path to healing. I the past my H has also thought that staying in the marriage was enough. It was an attitude of- I'm still here what more do you want. He now understands that he needs to not only be here but pour energy into our marriage and our family if we are not only going to heal but thrive. It is not easy, but we know it is worth all the hard work. Our MC says we are on the right track, but we are still going. We want to keep going just to have that mediator and to make sure that we are staying on track and forming good healthy habits and communication. We are able to see a MC at our church for free so that takes the pressure of having to spend money we don't have to go. Anyway, I hope I didn't ramble too much. I hope you have a blessed day and hang in there, sweetie. I pray that you and your H will be able to communicate and that his eyes will be open to understanding what his role in thins healing process is. I know for my H he sometimes is frustrated and upset to see my pain because now that he is out of the fog he just wants to move forward. He doesn't like see me have to process all of this even though he knows we need to go through this process in order to really heal and move forward.

<<My husband feels that because he chose to come back to the marriage that he doesn't need to say/do anything "extra" in assuring me that he does love me and wants our marriage to work. I, on the other hand, feel so needy and am constantly looking for reassurance. Am I normal? >>

Hi Phoenix, I'm new here,but welcome, and I'm so very sorry you're going through this.

I agree with everyone else here. You are completely normal, and I don't think your husband is even close to understanding what he did to you. I don't care what kinds of problems you were having before, during or after the affair. You never had a chance to DO anything about any problems, because he just went outside your marriage and tried to make himself feel better. By doing that, he made it impossible for you to try to do anything to make your marriage better, instead, he just added ANOTHER obstacle to it. A horrible, devastating one.

I agree you need a new counselor. If your husband is not showing remorse, he's not talking remorse, he's not acting in remorse, how are you supposed to believe he IS remorseful? You can't just say "sorry, let's start over"...much as I sometimes wish you could also.

Good luck,you will love the people here, they're very wise and helpful.

<<I know for my H he sometimes is frustrated and upset to see my pain because now that he is out of the fog he just wants to move forward. He doesn't like see me have to process all of this even though he knows we need to go through this process in order to really heal and move forward.>>

Someone should write a book about this stuff....oh wait, several people have! Before this happened to me, my only knowledge of affairs was my father's 10 year affair that ended when I was 16, and not something I EVER talked about with either parent (just with sisters), or from watching horrible talk shows, where you just thought "who ARE these people?". I never would have known the truly awful pain by watching those shows, because all they seemed to do was scream at each other and try to beat each other up. And after it happened to me, it was like "wow, this happens to "normal" people ALL THE TIME.

And after lots of reading, it's obvious that there are so many similarities in how people feel/think/act after an affair. My husband too has said, many, many times, that he wishes he could just "flush the toilet". As simple as that. He's being great about talking about it, we do it quite often, but, if he could, he truly WOULD flip a switch and make it go away.

But I think that's a GOOD thing, because the reason is that he hates to see how much pain he caused, and to realize how badly he messed up. It can't be easy to have made such a monumentally life changing decision, and have to think, every day, "how could I have DONE this?" I think if someone is not willing to talk about it, and not just "it" meaning the affair, but talk about WHY they did it, and what they were feeling, then they'll never solve anything.

I'm also glad to see that there are other spouses who had affairs and would like it just all go away, because I was thinking my husband was REALLY strange that he could feel like that. I mean it's not like he IS doing that, he's talking plenty, but to even want to just "flush the toilet" seemed strange to me.