Many of you have been reading my posts from this past week and once again, I want to say thank you for your concern, caring and advise.
Once again, I am coming and seeking wisdom. Last year my husband confessed to me for the very first time that for all of our married life he had been having affairs - this was 33 years. To say i was shocked is naturally putting it mildly - but i know all of you can relate to that.
3 of the affairs occured within the first 3-4 years of our marriage - thus, some 30 years ago. Because so much time has passed, he really doesn't remember a whole lot from those affairs. And also because he has never wanted to remember. As soon as the affairs were over, he put those details in a drawer and locked them away, never to pull them out again. He was also in denial as to what he was really doing with those women, since no sexual, vaginal intercourse occured. He pulled a "Bill Clinton", so to speak.
The third affair is the one that is the most bizarre and it is this one that i need advise on. When he was in college, we had been dating for 4 years at that point. A gal asked him out and they saw a movie. On the way home, he asked her to his dorm room. She went, they made out and she offered him sex. He turned her down because he was dating me at the time - and because he said she was repulsive to him. He never went out with her again - until 4 years later. By that point, he had transferred from that particular college to another college, graduated, and gotten married. He was on a job assignment some 2 hours from where we lived, staying in a hotel. Somehow, he managed to find her number, called her and the two of them hooked up. They drove to a secluded spot and all that he can remember is that they talked. He swears that he didn't have sex with her - tho he admits that certainly the only reason for wanting to meet up with her was his desire for sex. While they were in college together, they really weren't friends. She was just someone from one of his classes and she was the one who asked him out. They didn't have mutual friends at college, didn't run in the same circle - so in truth, they shared nothing in common in relation to their college life except that they had gone to the same college.
So, after his time with her - he didn't have an affair for the next 20 years. First question is why? I have thought of 2 possible scenarios - the first was because after 4 years of marriage, he became a father- we had a son and a year later, a daughter. So parenthood straightened him out - for 20 years. Or the second explanation is that something so severe happened with this gal from college, as to "scare him straight". Certainly, at the place where he worked - for a huge huge company - he had the opportunity for more affairs. But he doesn't have the answers to those questions because he just doesn't remember.
Now here is where i need advise. I have found this woman's home address, her cell-phone number and her email address. Do i contact her? My intentions in contacting her are to find out what transpired 30 years ago - it is not to beat her up or even confront her but to find out the truth. In my heart of hearts, i want to know the answers to my question and at the same time, i don't want to talk to her because doing so would bring her into 2008. Right now she only exists in 1977 - the past and i don't really want to bring her into the present.
So all of you who have been to MC and IC, i am sure this topic has been brought up. Can you advise me here. I do not want to contact her and end up regretting it.
Thanks for reading my posts and for any advise you can give me.
Personally, I believe you should not contact this woman. First of all, I don’t believe you have the right to interrupt her life after so many years. Yes, she wrongly was involved with your husband, but 2 wrongs to not make a right. Second, and the most important reason, the answers need to come from your husband. You want his truth not the OW’s truth, and they can be two different animals. My guess is, your husband remembers more than he is telling you. Unless drinking and drugs were involved, he is not going to forget major details. He is most likely minimizing, a common practice for WS’s even when they are remorseful. They are protecting themselves from your pain and they also do not want to hurt you more than they believe necessary. Give him Joseph’s letter, you can find it to the left of the page, under Helpful Links.
Lastly, No Contact is very important. It is not only for the WS, but for the BS is also.
Yes, Ami's advice looks good to me but I understand the drive and desire to know more - I certainly did contact my wife's OM (I knew him quite well anyway). I also spoke to and met up with OM's wife too. But this is/ was me.
Mainly I wanted to comment about the gap of 20 years. It reminded me of what someone said to me about how the midst of life is very full ie building a family, home, work etc are all very demanding and we all get caught up in it. Sometimes I look back (aged 55) and wonder what happened along the way. I also recall reading that there are certain key points in people's lives when they are at points of greatest vulnerability to infidelity - One of these is when the children all begin to go to school and the mother is left out of the busy life and has time, for the first time in a long time, to reflect - Also at that time the mother may begin to question how her life has turned out and perhaps feel she is not a woman but a mother now. In my wife's case she started her A aged 32 with two children aged 6 and 4 - She had everything but her own problems - And how she saw herself as not achieving and lacking self esteem (being blamed by her father for leaving her family business to marry me) etc. etc.. This was one of those vulnerable points. She then got enmeshed in an 18 year A in the midst of our busy life and family - I still feel sick thinking about this and still find I cannot get over the hurt and take her back as my wife.
I don't agree that it is wrong for you to contact her, but I also don't think it is in your best interest. Her intrusion in your marriage is something she is accountable for and you have every right to expect her to answer for it, whether it was yesterday or 30 years ago. Sometimes the sins we commit come back to haunt us years later and we have to face the consequences, even if we thought we had put it behind us. We are all familiar with the ripples from affairs and how far reaching they become. No one gets a free pass - or should anyway. But, again, it is not in YOUR best interest to contact her. First, she will probably lie. She has no vested interest in you or your marriage. More than likely, her perception would be that your H was totally at fault and she was innocently lured in. Second, you do not want to invite her back into your life - she is gone, keep it that way. Third, communication with your H is most important. Part of his healing is learning to be honest with you and communicating with you. Part of your healing is his honesty and communication with you.
It is hard, I know. You want answers NOW. You want to stop hurting NOW. Sadly, A recovery is not like that. It is a slow, slow, slow healing wound. 33 years of A's. I am sure you are devastated. I pray your H is remorseful and working with you to save his marriage and see the tremendous hurt he has caused.
Thank you Ami, Jane and Jerry for your prompt response and advise.
Jerry, I am so sorry about your wife's affair. 18 years is a very long time and i can't help but think the pain you are going thru is far worse than anything i am experiencing.
I do agree that i feel that i have been given the right to contact the OW. I am not seeking revenge. This come with a clear head and very little emotion, except for a quest for answers.
Like Jane, I feel that the OW gave up her rights when she agreed to meet up with my husband - even tho it was 30 years ago.
I am not looking to disrupt her life. I have her phone number, address and email address. If i were to contact her, it would be via email as i don't want to bust in onto her life unaware. I think that emailing her would be the more gentle way. Granted, it would still be a shock but i think less of a shock as opposed to calling her on her cell phone.
I have had this information for 6 months now and have just sat on it, praying and trying to glean some wisdom as to what to do. As i stated before, i don't want to regret my decision - to contact her or not to contact her.
I realize that she could very easily lie to me about what happened, but what i have learned about her is that in the past 10 years, she got saved and now claims Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. So with that news, i am hopeful that should i contact her, she would be truthful with me.
What i have been told about men's memories verses women's - is that when it comes to the romantic things in life - women remember far more and far better than men. Now if you were to ask any man who won the World Series in 1972 and who were the pitchers and what were their stats - the guys could rattle off that information off and more. But ask the same guys what song was playing when they proposed to their wives and where they were when they were told they would become a daddy - and now they can't remember. So in contacting the OW i am relying on those facts concerning the differences between men and women.
My husband has read Joseph's letter and we have gone thru about a dozen books on adultery and sexual addictions this past year. I truly believe that he compartmentalized so well that now he can't pull that drawer open and revisit all of that. I also know - and he would agree with me - that for all these years he was in denial as to what he did. Also, i have spent a year telling him to stop protecting me from the details. I am already hurt as hurt can be. And finally, he agrees that in keeping the details, he is really protecting himself. He is wanting to give up all those mindsets, and i believe he has, he still just can't remember.
I hope all the above helps explain where i am coming from on all of this.
Again, thank you guys for your help here. I am taking it all in.
I so relate to the frustration of now knowing the details, day by day, event by event. I know an enormous amount but there are lots of specifics that I want to know and never will:
-it began a long time ago (first A 8 years before D Day)
-H was in an alcoholic haze for most of the 8 year period
-he is not good at details to begin with
I can't say that I have totally come to peace with that but am close to getting there. I believe that he has given me as many specifics as he can remember. There may be some that he just can't bring himself to say, especially around the sexual details....but I have realized that I have as much as I am going to get and that more will just feed the craving for even more.... I want to have been there so that there is not one word of intimacy that was shared without me knowing of it. Just not going to happen.
So, back to your question. I think you have the right to get in touch but you really have to ask yourself if it will help you or not. This is about your healing. I was in such a rage at first that I wrote crazy e-mails to the OW, but did not send them. Now, I look at them and am glad I didn't give her the satisfaction of seeing how crazed I was. So, my suggestion is to write the e-mail and sit on it for a bit...see how you feel and think about all the responses you could get and how they would make you feel.
Susan,
Thanks for your advise. My email to this gal would not be confrontational. I would extend her forgiveness upfront. My only desire in contacting her is to help fill in the blanks.
It is very possible that she did not even know my husband was married. He has never worn a wedding ring cause we couldn't afford one when we got married.
It is also possible that she actually talked him out of what he wanted to do. Who knows?
Of course the flip side is that something did happen between the two of them. I think i am ready to hear whatever that was.
Again, my intention is not to confront, accuse, rant or rave at her. But to speak to her woman to woman with the hope that she can shed some light.
I just don't know if that is wise and I don't want to regret my actions.
Dear Naomi - your last response worried me as I saw you said you needed to know if what you intend may bring you more suffering ie you may regret it. Please understand that I worried away very much like that about my contacts with OM and OM's wife. I am like that - I review and review and worry away. And reading your words made me feel that if you are so worried you should not act. I know when I acted I concentrated on trying to have a good heart and be open to OM and OM's wife. This was very difficult but what I tried to do. I looked hard for anger and revenge feelings and worked to try to prevent such unwise motives from being there. Mind you, probably I was very caught up in the emotional turmoil at that time. I know I burned with a passion about this that made me feel nothing else mattered but getting to the bottom of things. May be I was foolish but I don't feel that now. I put so much into trying to act correctly at the time that I cannot look back with regret now. There were many times when I almost picked up the phone, wrote things down but did not send (good method) - In fact I did not act many more times than I did. And I have learned that not doing things is quite often a good response. I found it helped to look at things in a big perspective, to open up my view.
may you and all those around you and connected to you in this infidelity be safe and well, contented and happy
<<My email to this gal would not be confrontational. I would extend her forgiveness upfront. My only desire in contacting her is to help fill in the blanks.>>
Number one rule, NO CONTACT with the OP (no matter how long ago the A may have taken place). That goes for the WS and the BS. If you choose to persue this and lets just say she answers...then what? You have to wonder if she is being truthful or not. It's not like most OP's tell you the truth. A's are all about the lies. There will always be a lot of "what ifs"...your WH is the one who needs to fill in the blanks, not this OW.
<<It is very possible that she did not even know my husband was married. He has never worn a wedding ring cause we couldn't afford one when we got married.>>
Many married men do not wear rings, that is not the only clue a man is married or not. But how would she know if he had a ring on or not when they talked on the phone and hadnt seen each other in four years? So whether he wore a ring or not is irrelivent. So she either knew he was married or he lied before they met up.
<<It is also possible that she actually talked him out of what he wanted to do. Who knows?>>
We have to look at this and say she would have just rejected his advances on the phone, and she would have not gone to meet him if her intentions were to talk him out of anything. But you're right who knows?!!! Maybe he couldnt get it up becuase he felt guilty, or maybe he changes his mind on his own....you will never know until your WH comes cleans about what actually happened. Asking the OW is not going to help.
<<Of course the flip side is that something did happen between the two of them. I think i am ready to hear whatever that was.>>
Your WH called this woman with the intentions of having sex with her. You know he has had many A's. I can see how you think you are ready to handle it all...but I worry that maybe you're not...that you have been through so much so soon. Thinking you are ready and actually hearing what you suspect are two different things. No one knows how they will react. It may hurt more than you expect. But once again, I must stress, most OP's are not trustworthy or they would not be OP's. You cannot trust what this person may say to you. You may be causing yourself more pain by going there.
<<Again, my intention is not to confront, accuse, rant or rave at her. But to speak to her woman to woman with the hope that she can shed some light.>>
A woman who is capable of speaking to you woman to woman would not knowingly sleep with your husband. Consider the source. It doesnt matter if you rant or rave or if you are calm and rational...you are bringing this woman back into your lives. Why do that? For answers? Answers your WH should be providing you...not this OW.
<<I just don't know if that is wise and I don't want to regret my actions.>>
I know it is tempting. But like most here, and may be for different reasons, I too feel it is not wise to contact this OW.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Thanks Jerry for your advise and for sharing your experiences with me. I really do appreciate all of that - and again - so sorry that you are in this situation.
Annonymous - thanks for your posting as well and the good advise. Let me answer some of your concerns.
The only reason why i think i might get a truthful answer from this gal is because she has given her life to the Lord and if one is truly a Christian, then they walk by truth, not lies. Granted, i am still taking a risk in trusting her and i understand that.
I agree with your wisdom in regards to whether or not she was the one who talked some sense into him. I realized when he told me about her that if she had not wanted to have sex with him, then she would never have met up with him in the first place. For a time, my husband wanted to believe that they just got together to talk about old times - but they didn't share any old times, only one date. No, they met up for sex and like you said, she agreed to that as soon as she said yes on the phone.
And again - i agree that thinking that i am ready to hear the truth and actually hearing it are two different things. I have lived that out this past year. I always wondered if my husband was having affairs - and that was painful - but wondering did not compare to the pain of knowing.
In my heart of hearts, i have always felt that my husband and this gal had sex -despite my husband's believe that they just talked. It sickens me, but i would be foolish to believe they only talked. I do believe that right now that is all he can remember.
If i get my answers from this woman, then i have to heal from whatever it is that she says, but at least i won't have to deal with my imagination, wondering, confusion, etc etc. Yes, i realize that it will be pain i am now dealing with - but i am already there with the pain of just knowing that he hooked up with her and wanted to go to bed with her.
I am not trying to make a decision here based on my emotions - as i know that could blow up in my face and i might end up regretting that. Rather, i am trying to make a sane, logical, wise decision. Thanks for all of you who are helping me with that.
It is highly unlikely your H "doesn't remember" things about his A's or whether he had sex with this woman or not. If he can remember calling her and meeting her, then he can remember whether or not they had sex. A's are a huge event. It's not like going to the store and picking up a pack of gum. This is a life-altering event. We don't forget life-altering events. My H has tried to use the "I don't remember" excuse, and I simply do not accept it. To me, it is an insult to my intelligence.
I keep wondering if part of your urge to conta t this woman is a need for validation from her. It is quite common for a BS to yearn for and try to seek out validation from an OP. Rejection on any level from any human being is a very difficult thing for people. It is something we, as BS, simply have to work through without giving in to the urges. You don't need validation from the OW because you did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you.
Writing your questions and feelings down is a wonderful suggestion. Write them, mull them over, work through them, then let them go. But, for your sake, keep OW out of your life and try to heal one-on-one with your H. I am in a situation where I can't have OW out of my life and it hurts. It is awful and it sends me reeling in and out of emotions and triggers that I would love to get away from. You have a chance to avoid that. It will be better for you and your H in the long run. If you contact her, you run the risk of her assuming it is okay to contact your H again to "deal with" the situation and thus the cycle beings to repeat itself. She is gone...keep her gone.
As far as her being a Christian...as we all know, those who profess to be a Christian do not always act Christ-like in every given situation. You can't rely on that. It is good not to harbour hatred for anyone, but assigning her attributes you do not know if she has earned (or even possesses) has the potential to cause great pain and dreadful consequences for you.
Your situation is a bit different from mine in that more years have elapsed since your H's contact with OW and your desire to contact her. With me, H's last contact was about 2 1/2 years from when I contacted OW. The reason? Because for the entire first year after Dday #2, my gut told me that my H was lying and withholding information from me, despite his angry assurances that he was telling me the complete truth.
It wasn't until after I emailed OW and told him I had done so that he finally told me the whole truth. He told me before I received an email answer from her because he was afraid of what she might tell me and wanted to tell me before she did.
Who knows if he would have ever come totally clean with me, or how long he may have taken to do so if I had not forced his hand. I don't know the answer to that one, but I do know that I was desperate to learn the truth, and since I begged him for an entire year to tell me, I figured I had given him enough time, so whatever she told me would be what she told me. I did not expect good news from her, quite the contrary. In fact, she really didn't add much to what he had already told me. It was the fear of what she could tell me that was a huge motivation for my H to finally tell me the truth and stop protecting himself because, after all, he wasn't protecting me by continuing to lie to me. He was only trying to protect himself.
Just know that if you do contact OW, you risk letting her back into your lives and hearing her version of the past which may or may not be truthful.
As far as my husband remembering what he did with the OW - what he remembers is that he called her - he doesn't remember how he was able to find her phone number. She lived 2 hours from us and has a very common last name, but he has no recollection of how he got her number. He also has no recollection of the phone call. He knows that after the call was made - tho he doens't know when he made the phone call - was he still at home? at the hotel? was it at the beginning of the day or at the end of the work day? All he remembers is that they met up and drove to a secluded spot and talked. He says he doesn't remember having sex with her. He doesn't know what they talked about or how it was that they didn't have sex. He doesn't remember anything after that. During that season in my husband's life, he drank and smoked pot. So it is very possible that the two of them did those things when they were together.
Several months ago, my husband asked me if I remembered the time when we had sex in a chair. He remembered that i was wearing a skirt and he could see in his head, lifting up my skirt. Problem is -we never had sex in a chair. When i told him that, he tried to change his story - now saying he was only wondering, whereas before when he first posed that question, it was a memory.
My husband is a tall man - over 6 feet. The OW is very small, under 5 feet. No doubt if they were to have sex in a car, they would have had to move to the back seat and because of his heigth, she would have had to sit on his lap - thus the memory of sex in a chair. So????? Like i said, he says they didn't have sex but he can't say he is 100% certain of that.
I don't think i am looking for validation - but who knows? In my mind, i am looking for answers. What did he do with her, how did he find her, why did he contact her, what did he say to her about us, our marriage, me. Why the 20 year lapse? I realize of course that she may not be able to answer those questions. But Jane, you do make a very good point - i have no way of judging her relationship with the Lord and ought not assume that she is going to be truthful just because she now claims to be a Christian.
Finally - all of you are so right - I don't want this woman back in my life. I guess the one thing that you may or may not understand is that for me, tho some of these affairs happened 30 years ago - for me, they just happened. Unless you have been in my situation, I am sure that is not something you can easily understand. So in essense what i am saying is that it is not as tho she would be coming back into my life, because she is already there. Still, i want her to stay out of my husband's life.
Oh Naomi, sweetie, some of us absolutely DO understand that it doesn't matter if the A happened last week, last year, or 30 years ago. The pain from the discovery is the same for the BS. My H's A had ended 1 1/2 years before I found out. At first he said it didn't make a difference because the A was over and had been over for 1 1/2 years. It took quite a while for him to understand that for me, the pain was as raw as if the A had ended the day before.
Accepting our pain and the depth of our pain is all part of the WS' coming out of the fog.
FYI, my H's OW claimed to be a "good Christian woman," and even gave me that bull line in her email to me that because God forgives us for our sins, I should forgive my H. As you can imagine, her writing that made me see so much red that I am surprised I didn't explode.
Yes, Naomi, I do understand. My H's first and only real A was 8 years before I found out. The physical part ended after 6 months though there was intermittent contact ( a phone call or meeting for a drink every two years). And, he did have a ONS, and lots of inappropriate contact with many women during that 8 year period. The doors of Hell were open - H walked in and became addicted to the thrill.
And, my H had another addiction - he was an active alcoholic and lived in a double fog - the fog of A and the fog of drunkeness. Because of the time lapse and drinking, there are a lot of details that are lost but there is still plenty of stuff that he does remember. He didn't reveal eveything all at once. It was a long, extremely painful process over about a year - some things he remembered as he became sober and some things he just couldn't bear to tell me for a long time.
I am tortured by not knowing, day by day, what was happening in my life when they were meeting. I took out old credit card bills to try to piece it together but with limited success. It kills me that I can't get more specifics but don't think he is holding out.
I desparately wanted to contact OW but somehow couldn't bring myself to do it...I just didn't want to let her know that I even cared though I am still dying to let her know that I know what happened and that she and my H do not share any secrets. But, in her life, it was long ago and I felt that I would just seem pathetic.
She is now married and living a different life - I didn't want to give her the satisfactio of thinking that I am living in the past (though I was because, as you said, it was my present). I thought it would make me look ridiculous and there was enough humiliation in my life - I didn't need to add any more.
Over the last 2 and half years, the A is finally becoming the past to me and my need to dig around in it has lessened. However, periodically, the need is there, strong as ever.
Thinking about your H, I have tried to think back 30 years in my life in my sexual life. Conversations are lost, sequences are lost, details are lost and I am embarassed to tell you that some names are even lost....but I know whether or not I had sex.
For me, the only possible explanation of your H not knowing if they had sex is if he had an alcoholic blackout. My H had many and would wake up not knowing what we had fought about the night before or where he parked the car. But, if he was drunk enough to black out, I don't believe he would be capable of having sex.
I am now agreeing with what others have told you. No contact. Do not let anyone in to poison your life any more.
My thoughts are with you. I know how you feel and it is excruciating.
I guess one of my struggles with believing my husband when he says that he didn't have sex with gal number 3 is that for 33 years he completely blocked out the memory of all the affairs. He was in so much denial as to what he was doing. I also think that because men define "adultery" different than women, that that too prevented him from coming face to face with the truth - thus more denial.
I think i have posted here that my husband had 5 affairs. The first affair occured within months of our marriage. There were 3 affairs within the first 4 years of our marriage and then a 20 year lapse. Twelve years ago, he became involved with a woman at work. That lasted for over a year. It culminated with phone sex. After that, either he or she cut it off - he can't remember who it was. Affair number 5 was going on when he finally confessed - which was last year.
In between those times, his brother had multiple affairs - and marriages. My husband tried counseling him - ridiculous you might think - but here is my point. Whether it's because men define adultery different than women, whether it was because he was in so much denial - or a combination of both - my husband simply had no recollection of he, himself committing adultery.
Two years ago, we had a man come to our church who spoke about his own sexual addictions and adultery. My husband spoke with this man after the service and even got his testimony on video. My husband wanted to show it to a friend of his who had committed adultery. Again - no recollection of his own adultery.
Thus, i say all of that to make this point. Isn't it just possible that he did have sex but because he was in so much denial, he has packed it away so tightly that he simply can't remember now? And how can i truly trust that he has remembered correctly when for 30 years he denied it?
Men,as we know typically define adultery as vaginal intercourse. Of course, we know that isn't true. Adultery can occur even when there is no sex. My two sons are not so quickly jumping on the band wagon proclaiming their father committed adultery because they know that there was no vaginal intercourse.
So, like i said, coupled with his definition of adultery, the denial of it all, and packing the memories away, sealing them shut so tightly that he didn't remember - isn't it possible that he can't remember? He has even said that he can't say for 100% certain that there was no sex.
Susan, you expressed many of the same feelings i am having. I am so sorry that you too - and all the others have to deal with this. This was not something we had planned on taking on when we said "i do". Nor did i realize that when we got married, i needed to pull my husband aside and tell him he was no longer allowed to be with other women = i think he understood that - but apparently he didn't. I still don't know how he rationalized it in his head. Of course now, looking back any rationalization would have been wrong and just plain nuts. But back then, he had to be saying something to himself that gave him permission to do what he did. He knew it was wrong - thus the secrets, denials and lies. But still he had to be saying to himself "this is ok because...."
My husband regrets all that he did and would take it all back in a heartbeat. Sometimes i don't know whose pain is the greatest, mine - at his betrayal. Or his - at having to live with himself with all the wrong that he did.
Dear Naomi - I cannot imagine me, or any man, not knowing he had sex or not. What I do see is just how hard it is for WSs to admit what they have done and for BSs also to face that too. I know that on d-day it was me as WS who had the real problem coming to terms with infidelity -WS had just got used to it and found a way in her mind of justifying it. I am sat here wondering if you really can accept what he may say.
It is so hard for us as BS’s to comprehend and accept what our spouses have done. In the beginning, in order to cope, we all have a tendency to minimize and allow some aspects of affair information. Later, as we are better able to cope, we revisit these things and find that they cannot be minimized or allowed. I think this is where you are. You are trying desperately to hold onto the earlier thought process that got you through, but it is like a boat that is full of holes and it just doesn’t float anymore. Take it slow, try to work on one thing at a time.
My father always says, if it doesn’t seem logical or plausible, it probably isn’t ture. I would not believe my husband if he said he couldn’t remember if he had sex or not. I would believe him if he couldn’t remember the words that were said prior to sex exactly word for word though.
People define adultery in anyway that works for them at the time. It seems to me that your husband would be defining adultery differently if he were applying it to you. In other wards, he knew what he was doing was wrong, and that you would not be happy about it. Hense the secrecy.
It seems to me, from what you have written about your husband, that he has serious boundary issues when it comes to woman.
I know this is hard. Acceptance, can only come with truth, your husband has not face this fact yet. If I had doubts, I would ask him to submit to a lie detector test. I would gladly submit to one myself if I had nothing to hide.
Naomi,
I also want to say don't confront the OW from the past...
My H also had many A's... mainly ONS's and short A's when he traveled..non- emotional A's that when he was in X city he could call XYZ and take her out for a drink and sex...it was for him all about the sex..
His last A lasted a yr and he told me he was in love with her.. When I discovered this A we went back to our history where He confessed to me 23 yrs ago that he had an STD ..all the "truth " he told me 23 yrs. ago was mostly lies. He lied so much he believed his lies. My H also was negative about others who had A's..much like your H..it is like 2 separate lives..his life with you and his "other" life.. the two lives are very separate..
I am willing to bet that your H knows what happened. but has the attitude of " what my wife doesn't know won't her her"..my H can name the cities he had A's in ..but not recall much about women..because it was about the sex....
For your H there didn't seem to be an emotional involvement...on the other hand he could have been involved for a much longer time than he is telling you..and that is your fear as I read your post.
I asked my H if he would take a lie detector test.... at that point more information was recalled.
I am at the point where I know he had many A's..believe that he has been truthful about 90% of the information...the other 10% I have let go..either he doesn't recall or doesn't want to tell me..it is in the past and he is a different person today than he was 5 yrs ago.
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Pat, thanks for describing your situation. I am in the same place. I think I know most, but not all. I do believe I know the important things in some detail and the gist of the rest. Sometimes, I think that the "healed" people know 100% and had husbands with perfect recall. Like Naomi, I have a detail disadvantage because of how long ago it was and in my case, how drunk H was.
And yet, I feel well on the road to recovery....thanks for confirming that can happen without all the minutae of every single conversation and situation revealed.
My H's A lasted from January 1999, to the end of March or the beginning of April 2003. They met for sex five times from January 2000 to January 2002. Dday #2 was September 26, 2004. (I had a Dday in 1999 but that's another story.) Each time they met, my H was stone-cold sober, and even he couldn't remember all the details. And of course, the fact that remembering the details tends to make a remorseful WS sick to the stomach and heart is enough to make any WS have problems remembering.
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edited to correct misspelling
This message has been edited by fairyfriend on Mar 6, 2008 4:22 PM
