I don't know what is wrong with me. We are doing so well. Husband got a promotion making good money, happy, happy home but.....I started to cut myself again. Something I did forever years ago I started to do again...Why would I do this. I would never allow anyone to know I do this, I cover my tracks well (clean upthe blood hide my arms and legs.) so why would I do this..it's not like i'm trying to get attention but it's just something about feeling the release when the blood starts to flow. I feel so juvinille, why would a grown women do this???? It's not like i'm trying to kill myself, I just saw his straight blade on the bathrooom sink and decided I would use it. Ya I know I'm really screwed up..
There can be so many different reasons...underlying pain perhaps...not knowing what to do with it. Call IC. Talk. Something is bothering you....maybe even subconsciously. We revert back to old habits to "cope". Don't do this to yourself Laura, please. My daughter started cutting a few months ago after WH left. She is now in IC and doing well.
Sometimes when things are going really well, there is anxiety that the other shoe is going to drop....that you are not allowed to be happy without something ruining it....it is fear. Allow yourself to be happy and believe that it can happen....you are allowed...you deserve it.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
So sorry you are feeling sad. I am not an expert on cutting but will share what my friend has said in the context of her daughter's cutting herself- that it is a way to feel and release feelings that are repressed or bottled up for some reason. It is not really about wanting to hurt yourself but about finding a way to cope, as Cal has said. Don't feel bad about yourself but seek some help. We have all needed to find ways to get through this ordeal and many of us have found help with an IC.
It's a widespread issue. I doubt that a person can stop cutting all by themselves with will power alone. Find someone you can talk to who can help you understand it and bring it to a real end.
My wife had a period of bulemia that I learned of at the time of D-day. I told her that she needed to tell me about it any time she did that again. I also asked her to tell me anytime she felt like doing it too. Since that then she has told me a of a few instances when she had the urge. On those occasions we talked about her feelings and I believe it has helped her understand where those urges come from. She also spoke with her counselor about those urges.
I can imagine that it will be necessary that you get someone else involved and become accountable to them for any time you cut or even want to cut. I'm sure that addressing the root cause will relieve you of doing this to yourself and you can be set free of it. But, like most compulsions, the driving emotions behind it are a combination of habit and hurt.
everything you have said is so right . i know it's so dumb and retardend to do and now afer what a week of hinding my scares I feel stupiud, at a time it was a releasle, oh it made me feel so free. thats so crazy. I know. But now when I have the lines to hide i feel ashamed. I think thats what I want to feel. I know this is so childish. Only kids do something so insane. What pupose does this bring to Light. There is such a sense of calming to see yourself bleed. It's like there is life in you if your able to bleed. thats what i get out of it is that i'm able to feel something real after faking so much. It's like I'm real. I know it doesn't make much sense but I'm coming from a place where I'm faking my every day every moment. My Life isn't real. So when I cut myself and really see the blood, It lets me know "I"M HERE" SEE ME I COUNT!!!! Looking at the cuts on my arm afterwards does bring shame but that will never change that awsome feeling of feeling life come from mee......
I am so sorry that you are hurting so much that you have shut down to the point of resorting to cutting in order to feel something, anything, and in order to feel in control of your emotions.
For several months after my DDay #2 in 2004, my older daughter was cutting herself. My H and I didn't know until after we got her in IC. She had a wonderful IC who helped her immensely, but was very strict about my D's stopping her cutting and the routines the whole family had to put in place to help her stop cutting.
Cutting is a dangerous form of self-abuse. I know you love your kids, and perhaps you don't realize that sometimes cutting leads to unintentional, accidental death caused by cutting an artery. This is incredibly serious. Your H was wrong to do what he did, but cutting yourself is no solution to your pain, and it doesn't help your healing.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get help. TODAY. NOW. Don't torture yourself anymore. If you won't get help for yourself, do so for your children. They love you and need you.
Concerned fairy hugs,
fairyfriend
edited for spelling
This message has been edited by fairyfriend on Mar 28, 2008 11:38 AM
I have a hard time spending money on clothes and make-up for myself let alone IC. So that route i wont be taking. I know it would help a great deal because of all the underlined issues I'm trying to deal with. Everything in my life is going sooo very well. My husband has been so giving and sensitive. Cal your right everything is going so well It really scared me. I remember while I was slicing my arm I was thinking "WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS" "THIS IS SO CHILDISH" all your post bring to light how immature this is.(my friends daughter)(my daughter) And your right fairy friend I could hurt myself I did try to see how deep I could cut without harming myself indefinetly.
I told my husband I burnt my arm and thats why I need the the bandage. He did see it the other day (i really can't even believe he paid attention to this) That was new (again weird hes paying attention to me) and another thing he told me I am beautiful without make-up- its so strange for me to get his attention. maybe thats why-I reverted. I havent been treated so kindly since I was loved by my first love. I don't know how to deal with his kindness. It sad but it's so much easier to be hurt than to be LOVED.
Please, PLEASE get help. The fact that you wrote you have a hard time spending money on yourself for life's necessities, much less IC, strongly suggests to me that you feel unworthy--of attention, of love, of help. And that is a strong reason to seek help. If you won't seek help for yourself, do it for your children. Think about the role model you are being for your children--especially if you have daughters. Do you want your children to grow up thinking they are not good enough and do not deserve help when they clearly need it? Do you want them to think that cutting is an acceptable coping mechanism? I don't believe you do.
Here is my 2x4--stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something proactive--GET HELP TODAY!!!
OMG Laura...I can totally relate to you on this, I feel that it is sooo much easier to just bear the pain than to wonder what he is up to when he shows me that he loves me because I have heard the same nonsense over and over..."I love you, I dont want to lose you" whaaa whaaa whaaa...and then the betrayal over and again. It's just alot easier in my own little world to be numb and carry the pain.
All of us BS can relate to wanting to curl up inside ourselves and hide. We all understand the pain of betrayal, but cutting is a whole different matter and is putting her life at risk.
I know you are, Sherry. She knows that we all care--she has posted here in the past. But I hope we can all impress upon her that cutting is dangerous and a very UNHEALTHY way to cope with her pain. I know we all want her to get better.
I just hope that SHE wants to get better. I am quite concerned about her emotional state.
As am I...I am new here and dont want to impose on anyone what I think in a sensitive matter as such. I do hope that Laura can find it within herself to make better decisions regarding this way of coping for her children and her safety. They need their mother around to care for them and to be strong for them...
Normally, I walk fairly softly, but in this instance, I am too concerned to keep quiet.
Laura, You are worth so much more. Please get help. You sound overwhelmed, and I believe you want help and that is why you told us that you have been cutting. Unfortunately, we can't get help for you, but we will encourage, cajole, support, cry, yell, or whatever it takes to get you to go for help.
Sweetie, you did NOTHING to deserve your H's cheating on you. Don't hurt yourself in response to the hurt his actions already inflicted on you.
You are so wonderful in your concern. I thought that I made it clear I am not in any way here to hurt myself. I'm just really screwed up right now. It's been like two weeks since I (deep breath) cut myself. I do have the scares to scringe from or hide from. I am totally ashamed that I took that avenue. I hate the lines on my arm. I still don't know what the frick iwas thinkin. I will say I would do it again except it leaves lines. I don't know how to explain it to you all, My life since the Affair has been going very good. From what everyone can see. If you know what i mean. You know it's the fake "life is good" that's the world I live in, I know that cutting is so adolesent. Please don't remind me with another 'you knew a teen who did this story.'
I did it, I cut myself because I wanted to see my life flow. I wanted the blood from my arm to be free. I know for everyone else that doesn't make sense, but for me it's the only way I can see me being free. You don't know how I live you don't know how striken my life is, but to sit there and see the blood flow freely is calming for me, Im sorry if that bothers anyone. I don't mean to be gross. It has a sense of solance for me. wHEN i CUT MY ARM it's like i'm in control of the pain. (but it never hurts)
I don't believe anyone is regaling you with stories about teens for any other reason than to say we have some kind of insight into why you are cutting. You, yourself,"I don't know what is wrong with me" as well as "I'm just really screwed up right now." It is obvious to us that what is wrong is that you are overwhelmed with pain by your H's behavior. You are terrified that he hasn't changed his behavior; he has only learned to hide it better. You are afraid of discovering that you are still being deceived.
I don't believe cutting is childish at all. I believe it is a dangerous, self-abusive method of coping. We are all urging you to seek help because we see that you are putting your life at risk by using cutting as a coping mechanism. You either don't or won't see that.
I would like to shake you and tell you that you are risking your life because of what your H did. Your life is worth so much more. You don't deserve to die because he had an A. That is the bottom line. Killing yourself either deliberately or accidentally won't change his actions, but it will end your life and stop any possibility of YOUR healing. In addition, think of the damage your dying would cause your children. I don't believe you want them to hurt any more than they already are hurting.
Sweet Laura. I'm really glad to hear its been 2 weeks since you've cut. Just take it day by day to try and increase that time.
I actually completely understand what you mean when you talk about gaining solace and comfort from having something you have control over. Most people - maybe all people - need to find comfort of some sort when life throws a ton of bricks on them. You can work really, really hard at removing the bricks and climbing out from under them, but its an exhausting process. And if you find that someone continues to throw bricks in your direction and on top of you, the need to find some level of control - - even if its self-destructive - - gives one a measure of not feeling so victimized and at the mercy of others.
Ironically, when we do comfort ourselves in destructive ways (cutting, drinking, binging, purging getting high, having affairs, over-eating, smoking - the last goes on and on, doesn't it?), we're escaping being victims of others, but we're victimizing ourselves, so its important to see the situation for what it is. Seeing your life blood flow out of you isn't truly a way to see that you're alive; its more of a visual that you're dying. Blood isn't supposed to come out, Laura.
So, what other options are there where you can solidly take the reins of your life and have a sense of control and purpose and hope? Very early on after DDay, for me (as stupid as it sounds), it was making the beds in the house. It took everything out of me to get that done. But there was a level of success and control in doing that. When that got more manageable, I worked my way up slowly to other tasks, ways that I could see I had controlled and managed my life when I looked at the end of the day. Its an intimately personal journey to find what works for you. You may easily find something to surpass my mundane bedmaking efforts. But, Laura, you can do this. You are worth this.
Let us know how today is going. If there's anything we can do to help. If you need to vent or cry or scream, we're here and we care very, very much. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I have no desire to and have not chosen to cut lately. I still have these horrific lines on my arm to deal with. Lord I wish they would go away. Everywhere I go I have to conceal them. If I ever cut again it wont be on my arm. So visible. What the heck was I thinking. 15 straight lines on a arm.....Humm doesn't take a genius. How embarrising for my children. Long sleeves in the heat of AZ. Not to much fun. At a time the cutting felt good Now it's just painful to keep it hidden. SHAMEFUL. Thank you for your caring words. I will repeat seeking help I won't do. I just won't spend that kind of money on myself. Kids need shoes, clothes, food, heat, electricity. They don't need me to waste away funds because I have no sense about me.
((((Laura)))))
I agree with the others, get some IC if possible, if not possible, find a hotline to call, chances are, there will be someone to talk to, that will understand how you feel, and help you work thru your feelings( similar to posting on HH, but more immediate)...come here to chat..I'll look for you when I'm online...or you can e-mail me ..
My niece used to cope by cutting, she told my sister that cutting released something in her that made her feel "warm and fuzzy" a kind of numbness, pretty much similar to how someone would feel after having a drink, or taking something like a Vicodin...
Do you like running, biking or walking long distances?, if you do, maybe these will help you release pent up feelings( biking has helped me )
Pls take care
Lisa
I opened this thread because my husband was adimante about seeing it. He read a few lines and left. He's as confussed as I am. I never cut when I still have the visual scares from the last cuts. But right now everything in me is say go do it,it will make it all better.. I won't. It will stop right here. I want to soooooooo bad, but because I still have the slashes on my arm I won't. Yeah I have though about my leg, my thigh, I just am not going to do it. Maybe I might the drive is there. Why Is it that I so badly would love to do it right now. it's like an addict wanting there drug. I just want to know I'm here I'm alive I'm a person....
you are alive and you are numb from the pain of the A that is why you need to feel. I know that you don't want to go see an IC..being scared is OK spending a few dollars on yourself is OK too..I did the don't spend money on my self too..didn't feel worthy of using my H's money on my self..that is the position that A's put us in the mental abuse that we suffer when WS is in the middle of an A..our self worth is the pits...
Laura we are worth every penny that it takes to help us. Please please see an IC to help you.. you may be able to work out some helpful techniques to do when the urge to cut strikes you.
I so wish I could just give you a hug and hold your hand when the urge strikes you..
Please take care,
((((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
>I have no desire to and have not chosen to cut lately.
>But right now everything in me is say go do it,it will make it all better.. I won't. It will stop right here. I want to soooooooo bad, but because I still have the slashes on my arm I won't.
Laura:
Fighting a compulsion like this one is so hard to do by yourself. One minute you feel strong, and the next one you're fighting the desire to do it. Eventually, because you're a human being, you allow yourself to do it again "just this once" or with another rationalization. Most people just can't do it alone and need the help of another person. Can your husband help you? Can you join a group that will help you? Having someone who you are totally honest with can be a big step toward stopping this. In addition, you really need to deal with the underlying issues that drive this behavior. Not only the why of what you get from it, but the why of what problem you are ultimately trying to solve with it. I don't know if cutting is a form of self punishment, but if it is then please realize that you do not need to punish yourself. Doing so cannot take away any guilt you feel. It might make you feel better in the moment, but I suspect that eventually the initial guilt returns and is complicated with additional guilt over the cutting.
If the issue about getting help is feeling safe to be open with someone, know that there are places where you can go that will not betray your trust. If it's financial, then I agree with Pat, that you should not worry about the money.
Ok, girl, I hear you loud and clear; you are most likely not going to get therapy for this. You seem adamant on the point. But here are some other options that are free or low cost, k?
I’ve searched on-line and have found some resources that maybe could be helpful.
Here is a resource list of books you could either pick up at the library, Borders or on-line if you don’t want a face-to-face with a checkout person:
“Bodily Harm: The Breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers” (it clearly defines what self-injury is and explains the kind of emotional trauma that can lead to self-injurious behaviors. It also includes case studies, diaries, and success stories from a diverse group of clients. Most importantly, Bodily Harm, offers a course of treatment based on years of experience, compassion, advice, and hope for the afflicted and their loved ones. An excellent resource for the self-injurer, their families, friends )
“Beyond the Razor’s Edge” (This book is for those struggling with self-injury and those who love them.)
“Secret Scars—One Woman’s Story of Overcoming Self-Harm” (A faith based book that follows the life of one woman who found recovery through Christ)
“Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light: A Memoir of Cutting, Healing and Hope”
Here are some on-line support sites:
http://www.selfinjury.com/index.html S.A.F.E. Alternatives (“SAFE” stands for “Self Abuse Finally Ends” The S.A.F.E ALTERNATIVES® philosophy begins with the assumption that, although temporarily helpful, self-injurious behavior is ultimately a dangerous and futile coping strategy which interferes with intimacy, productivity and happiness. There is no "safe" or "healthy" amount of self-injury. We also believe that self-injury is not an addiction over which one is powerless for a lifetime, people can and do stop injuring, with the right kinds of help and support. Self-injury can be transformed from a seemingly uncontrollable compulsion to a choice.
http://self-injury.net/faq/ Self Injury: A Struggle A pretty complete website with a forum option, resource links, and other forms of support.
I still feel at odds with myself for doing this, at times I can totally see how perfect the solution is, and then theres the scares.
Thank you blue Iris I will look into these references.
I just know this is something I brought back from my youth. I had gotten over it and now it's back. I don't know why, I have gone through years of ordeals and just now started harming myself. I still can't put my finger on why I do it, I NO it's wrong, I KNOW it's completely out of control, but still at the time it's relaxing.
I think it's because it's the only time I'm allowed to do what I want to me. My husband is very controlling, and for me this is something he has no control over.
It's sad because I am sitting here thinking I'm smarter than the scares. If I cut on the same scare nobody will be the wiser.
I just want you to see were my mindset is, I know its wrong but I'm still trying to find a way around the whole exposure. You don't need to tell me I'm crazy, I hold that burden on myself. I just want to get that thought of what if I do this out of my head... Once and for all.
Me I don't personally feel I need someone to tell me whats wrong, I already know. I am here to figure out why. I know inside I just haven't let it out yet.
To tell you the truth right now is the longest I've ever gone without cutting. I sooo much want to say everything is finally behind us but thats kinda scary too do. I know I have the daily scares to look at. I can't even wash my face without seeing them. It's SAD. But I feel soo wonderful today. And Even Yesturday. Everything is going really good.
All of your words of wisdom helped greatly. I'm a women that loves to hear a debate on everything and you have all fulfilled that need in me, thank you. You have all been so helpful just given me strenghth to figure out WTH is wrong. And you all did it in such a kind way.I think this was the last brick I had to lay. I don't think of the affair in a negative way anymore. I see it as a hill we had to cross. My husband has been as honest as he thought he could be, even with me adding in what I thought happened. Still doing good.
What I'm thinking is 2.5 yrs. That's how long it took ME> on the other hand my husband is a completely different story. He's scared, nervous, and questioning my everymove. I guess he will need to find his own way to deal.. He brought it on himself....
My heart out to everyone
Love and God Bless
laura
((((((((((((Laura))))))))))))...that was a wonderful post my dear. You sound happy & strong today. As Pat has said, one day at a time...you are doing well and where you need to be right at this moment. Great work...you should be proud of YOU
2.5 years really does seem to be about average from what Ami and otehrs have said. So you're right on target if you ask me, although I know to you it seems like it took forever, but YOU did it, and that is what's important. We all get there when we get there.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
