D-day for me was in August 2007 but lately I feel that I'm going backwards. Why is this? Is it normal? I feel sooo depressed and harbour thoughts of suicide. I won't do it because I think about my lovely sons and I know I can't put them through it. But the fact that I am even THINKING about it tells me that I am in a dark place.
Our business is finished as a result of this A. We are going to sell our taxi number to a local man that wants it. It will be a relief in many ways because then OW won't have a way of getting into my home (by her constant phoning of our taxi number). And I have completely lost all interest in the business...when we started it 2 years ago, I was so keen and worked hard at it. But H has always given the business as his reason for being 'weak' and accepting her overtures when OW sat in his cab on that fateful night last April. He maintains that it was so busy (as all good businesses should surely be?) and so demanding (like any taxi business?), he felt trapped by it. So now my heart has gone out of it.
Our debts have spiralled out of control and we have lost custom because of a combination of 1) ignoring the phone during those early days after D-Day when we had long, intense sessions and 2) as a result of OW constantly turning up at the taxi ranks, thereby forcing H to drive away and thus not earning money and 3) OW making a nuisance of herself whenever she sees me in my cab so that I no longer feel safe doing my job and thus not earning money.
We can barely meet the mortgage this month so H suggested that we now have to take decisive action. Apart from selling our number, he has said that we both need to find work elsewhere. I know he is right but I feel crippled by fear and depression. I just don't feel able to make any decisions right now because I am NOT functioning normally. My head is messy and I have the urge to just stay in my home, like a little rabbit racing back into it's burrow when it feels threatened. It's the only place I feel comfortable.
Now to add to my worries, I keep reading in (women's) magazines (don't we suddenly REALLY notice articles about affairs after we experience it?) that once a person has cheated, they are more likely to cheat again. This fills me with dread because I really can't face going through this again..it's too painful. H assures me that he is NOT ever going up this path again because he has had his fingers burnt and because he so very nearly lost me this time. But I still dwell on the statistics and panic.
I would have loved to have had counselling but it's out of the question with our finances as they are. So instead I am floundering along, feeling like I am clinging to a makeshift raft out at sea and unable to see dry land.
I also dwell on all the years that we shared before this A. 22 years-20 married-and he was my best friend, my lover, the person I trusted most in the world. Now my memories of those years are tarnished because I feel that I never really knew him as well as I thought I did. So if he isn't any of THOSE things anymore, what is he?
I'm sorry for writing such a long narrative. Because I feel that I AM depressed, I have done an online diagnosis which tells me that I have reached 86 on the Goldberg scale which means I am severely depressed and so should see my doctor immediately.
Yes, yes, yes, your feelings are normal. I continue to have some of those feelings 2 and a half years after D Day, but with much less frequency.
All of us have suffered the back-stabbing, disorienting pain of infidelity but your story breaks my heart....it is huge to lose the M you thought you had and you have lost so much more. I am so, so sorry.
You expressed perfectly some of my thoughts - if H was not who I thought he was, who did I marry and choose to spend my life with? Not an easy question to answer. So, I am looking at my H today and love the man he is becoming. I have to believe that elements of that man always existed but they were layered with a lot of other issues.
And, I do understand not wanting to face another day with the pain but I am not sure that is the same as suicidal thoughts. Nevertheless, please see a doctor. You may really need some meds to get through each day - they have helped me tremendously.
And come here as often as you need to for venting and sharing...it really helps.
Unfortunately what you are feeling is 100% normal. I was also suicidal at one point (about 3 months after d-day), as were many of us here. It is a painful place to be. Like you, I knew I would never do it though. You lost your business over the A and have mounting debt on top of EVERYTHING else you have had to endure. My heart goes out to you my dear. Me and my Wh also have our own business. Ow"1 was also a customer as is OW#2. I dont understand how they cross that boundary of business, let alone the marriage. ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I know it seems really tough right now but you absolutely MUST hang in there. Yes for your kids for sure. You have got to see how their lives turn out! There is so much to live for just for them! But what about you too? Don't you wonder what it will be like 5 years from now? That's not so terribly long - though it seems like a millenium, it is not.
I have been there, or very close. I had 9 of the 10 symptoms of depression, thoughts of suicide was the only one I did not have. The A never brought me to thoughts of suicide. But after my divorce I fell into a deep enough depression that I began to understand why people considered suicide. I began to have a greater understanding and appreciation for two of my friends who took their own young lives. I had a greater sense of compassion for the place they were in when they made that decision. And, I also developed a deep sadness for them.
The sadness I developed grew stronger as I began to recover from depression because I could see that it was recoverable. It took a lot of effort to do the smallest of things to nourish and take care of the tiny little thing that my self had become. Getting a few dishes clean was a huge accomplishment for me. Taking shower was like running a marathon.
When you are experiencing depression it is incredibly difficult to do the things that they say to do - stay away from caffiene, alcohol, you should do excercise (yah right! walking to the toilet is an accomplishment you want me to do an aerobics class?, please!)...but its true - a walk, fresh air, even 5 minutes, even 2 will make a difference. And, rest, rest, rest. Make a plan but be extremely easy on yourself. Reward yourself for your small accomplishments. And smile...oh the power of a smile to convince the brain that everything is going to be all right.
And, work will demand that you get out of bed, it'll take your mind off of things. If you can afford to do it, take temp or part-time work so you can build your strength at your own pace. A low-level job so you don't add further worries to your bucket at the moment. It will also give you a sense of confidence. You'll feel good about helping out or contributing to the success of a business or helping a customer. These are all things that will help to stall or break the thought patterns of depression. Personally, I found getting meds was effective, although I never really took them very long which isn't the right way to do it, but that's just me. Taking a pill told my brain I was doing something to make a difference. It helped break the pattern, it was a ritual of taking care of me and taking control of my life. And, it took me a lot of doctors visits to get convinced to do it. I'm not big on taking meds.
I am at 11 months and at 7 months I was in a terrible place. I gave up my job and it was a big job and I made a ton of money. I needed to give it up anyway, but the A definitely a factor in the timing of when I made the final decision to quit. I have no plan, no replacement job, I don't know what I'm going to do.
I tell you this because at 9 months a young friend of mine died in a plane crash on the way to his private resort island. He had the world in his hands and it was gone in an instant. My boss told me over the phone thinking I'd seen it in the papers. It was Christmas when this happened. I just thought that any day could be my last day. And, I decided come hell or high water I was not going to spend my last day, my last week, my last month, my last year of MY life being afraid that my H would cheat again, crying, being sad, angry or being depressed. I did not want to die or be on my death bed and think - what a silly fool I was, if I'd only known I only had 3 days to live, I would have... and I know my would haves did not include anything negative.
It took me a little practice and I slipped and fell a few times. But, here I am just two months later happy, radiant, joyous, in love, fearless! And, have been that way 90+% of the time and that is increasing.
Will you be there in two months, if you are ready and give yourself reason enough, reward yourself, and nourish yourself enough maybe. But, even if it takes 4 months or 2 years, aren't you worth the investment? Absolutely! Get angry and get mad at it - DO NOT LET THIS THING RUIN YOU!!!!! Fight, gosh darned it all, Fight!
Only you know if this is true for you and your H. But, my conclusion is that my H is still the man he was before he did this thing. He lost his way, he made a terrible mistake, he is a human being. He is a good man. He is doing the best he can and he happened to screw up. And, he can learn from it and while its not at the pace I would desire or the exact way I'd like to see it happen he is doing what needs to be done and showing progress.
Englishgirl, you need to realize that everything is going to be all right even if he does it again, even if you don't have money for awhile, even if you sit in depression for awhile. It'll be different, but it'll be all right. And, it'll be all right and different if he doesn't do it again, if he gets a job and you don't have to work, and if you are able to recover quickly from depression. You'll be all right if you get divorced, you'll be all right if you stay married. You will be all right! Because you are your greatest asset. Not your dreams and expectations. But, you, your soul, your heart, your essence you are your greatest asset. You will find you again... and even if you look a little different, you'll be all right.
This message has been edited by forgandforg on Mar 19, 2008 1:17 AM
I've been following your story over the last few months and am very sorry to hear how low you're feeling at the moment which of course is not surprising after all you've been put through.
I know you've said, because of the financial situation you're in you can't afford counselling but wondered if you'd tried speaking to your local Relate group to see if they could advise you of anywhere else you could get help where you wouldn't have to pay. They must hear from lots of people in your situation.
I also wondered if you'd tried to look up the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy on the net. I know that they have a list of therapists all round the country and some of them will give consessions to the unemployed etc.
Lastly I would say go and see your GP. Even if you don't want meds (not everybodies choice but they've certainly helped me) then you might get to see a therapist on the NHS (generally a long waiting list however) or again they might be able to advise you where you can get some free advice.
Remember, you will get through this terrible time, it won't always be like it is at the moment. Reach out for help wherever you can, keep talking as much as you can, and keep visiting this site, you'll always find a lot of valuable support here.
I only read your post and just feel for you. I know how hard it is to dicover the affair. I just wanted to share with you what I did to make myself feel safe. I opened a safety account. I put money in it even when we had no money to put in it. I thought of this account as a child I was feeding. I was a house wife at the time of discovery. Had no money of my own. I had to stay only because of finacial reasons. So even though we didn't have a phone at one point I still feed my safety fund. I still do. We have gone without heat in our home but I have never told my cheating husband that I have a safey net. And I still feed the account. I still after 2+ years feed my safety account. Because I know there will be a day I need it to take care of my children and myself. My Cheating husband said it was the first time and last. I wont ever believe that when I married him he told me he would never stray, at that time I believed him. Where am I now. My advice take care of yourself for your future. Men come and go, it hurts but money will pay the bills. Take care of yourself. If for anyother reason it's the only thing that makes me feel safe, because he no longer does.
