Hi Everybody... Just wanted to introduce myself and say that I'm busy reading as many posts as I can to come to terms with what's going on... it's been about a month since I found out about the A and it's been a rocky month to say the least.
I guess the hardest thing for me so far is the roller coaster of emotions I've had - I'm in a phase right now where I just get angry every time I think about it and just about everything makes me think about it
I'm working on my "story" to that I will post in my profile - sorry to say it's going to be a long and sad read...
if anyone has any advice on stabilizing my emotions - I'd love to hear some - my IC just tells me to hang in there... gee thanks lol
Welcome, Jamie. I am very sorry to hear about the A; a month is very little time to have been dealing with this, so it makes perfect sense to feel your emotions out of control. That "rollercoaster" is something we all know very well here, and we all have looked in vain for the "off" button. Sadly, the process takes t-i-m-e. The experts talk about healing taking around 2 1/2 years. That seems like an eternity when getting through just a day can be excrutiating.
Stabilizing emotions. Hmmm. That early on, that's a tall order. Your mind and heart are trying to process a lot. I believe there is some necessity in allowing yourself to feel these things. However, I understand that it can become incapacitating if the feelings start ruling you.
Some people have chosen to go to their family doctors or to a psychiatrist to get meds. This was not a path that I was personally comfortable with. My therapist and I talked about looking into acupuncture, which I was interested in...but really didn't want to tell yet another person the gruesome details of my anxiety. So, my IC and I also talked about herbal remedies and I began researching those. Between 9 months to a year after DDay, I found a product that allowed me to have my feelings, but I felt more in control of them and more greatly able to process them...consider them...without being swept away. The product is a liquid gel type tablet called "Serenity with Kava Kava" and its put out by Gaia Herbs. I'll include a link to their website. Theres a product info page that talks about the specifics of what's in it, what the herbs are geared to address, and cautionary information (because we should be careful about anything we put in our bodies).
Herbal stuff isn't for everybody, but this really helped me. Valerian was also a great herbal remedy for sleeplessness for me...especially early on where I found myself walking the halls most nights, consumed with grief and anger.
Welcome to our community. We'll gladly share advice, support, suggestions and concern with you. I hope that we can help you through this trauma. Welcome. BlueIris
Welcome to a safe haven in your stormy world. Thank goodness you have already found an IC. I hope your therapy is helping you. I went on meds for depression but not until a good 9 months after DDay #2. They helped although the downside for me was a lot of weight gain. However, considering that at times I was borderline suicidal, weight gain seemed a small trade-off.
Just keep doing your best to take care of yourself and give yourself the gift of time. Healing can NOT be rushed.
I am sorry you find yourself here among the rest of us - we wouldn't wish this on anyone. But, I am glad you are finding support early on after D-day, many of us went months and months before realzing there was somewhere where we could find others who would understand. I hope you find understanding here with us.
For now, take one day at a time and be patient with yourself. The next year especially will be hard and will take twists and turns, ups and downs. Three important things are to eat right, exercise and sleep/rest. It sounds very fundamental but it is crucial to keep your mind and body as sound and healthy as possible. It will help with controlling the stress too.
I found anger to be a friend, actually, because it is an emotion I understand better than the seep sorrow and intense pain caused by an A. I found when I got angry inside then I would start to fight back and not allow myself to become dragged down by the hurt. My H hated the rage but I do think it is part of what enables us to survive this hell and find the courage to overcome it. When the anger really takes over, though, I find walking helps. I walk until my mood changes. Once I was so angry I started walking and my mood didn't change until about 7 miles later! But it worked and I got through the moment.
Hoping today is a better day and something comes your way to give you a smile. Sending you hugs and good blessings...
Slept on the couch last night - so it's gonna be a rough day from the neck and back pain... I guess one of the most frustrating things is that even though she says she wants to work this out and she'll try harder - it's been three days since any kind of affection from her - it's like she want's to just move on and go back to what she considers normal - and I'm like "hello... still here... still hurting..." and she gets mad at me for getting depressed and such - and I sleep on the couch and end up hurting and suffering even more ugh... i feel like such a doormat - which I'm sure is just unheard of here
Looking around the forum i found a link to an ebook for her to read and I've got a couple books on the way that were suggested for me - I hope she gets and reads the book because I think part of the problem is she just doesn't understand what she's done to me - on top of that she likes to discount and downplay my feelings (probably some sort of defense mechanism on her part - who knows)
anyway - thanks again for the welcome - I think it's going to be a big help to talk to people who can relate...
Your wife's behavior is common. Many WS refuse to permit themselves to see the pain their BS is in because if they acknowledge that pain, then they will have to acknowledge the source of the pain, them and their bad behavior. As a result, they try to minimize the BS' hurt, ignore it, get angry about it, anything but admit that it is real and that they are the source of that pain.
They want to sweep everything under the rug and pretend it never happened. Or worse, sometimes they admit the A happened, but try to blame it on the BS!
I tell you these things not to scare you (which it might LOL), but to warn you and to assure you that her behavior is not that unusual.
My question is why are YOU the one sleeping on the couch? Certainly I understand not wanting even to touch the WS or be touched by the WS, but it seems to me that SHE should be the one getting the sore body parts from sleeping on the couch--it's the LEAST she can do.
As you know, the road ahead is a LONG, LONG one full of potholes and dangerous twists and turns, but if you can make the journey to the end, you can find a happy destination.
I'm sorry that you have to be here. What Fairyfriend said about the WS not wanting to own up to their bad behavior is right. That happened to me, as well. My H didn't want to admit to anything or comfort me in any way for some time. The encouraging thing is that things do generally improve if both parties really want it to, so hang in there.
My H was very ashamed and was doing things for himself to rebuild himself that just seemed like the wrong thing for him to do to support me at the time, but now I look back and understand how ashamed he was and how he was also reflecting on what he did and how it hurt me.
He said a few things like
"After I did this, the only way I can face myself in the mirror is to know that I am a good man at heart. I hope you will look at our history and remember the good things I have done for you. I hope that will weigh into your decision to stay or go."
At the time I thought: How the heck can you even worry about yourself and how you feel right now, what about me!
Now I think: My gosh! I have never been so ashamed as he must have felt, he was grasping at any straw to make "him" be ok with himself.
"This is not in my character"
At the time I thought: You did it, so it is exactly your character! In your moment of personal crisis, your choices show who you are at the core. This is your character, exactly. You have defined who you are and your depth by your choices and your actions.
Now I think: It was out of character and it defines for me how shallow our relationship, trust, and methods of communication are (that is how I evaluate our relationship and I don't extend that to others, its just my experience). It defines how deep he was struggling personally with his issues that he would chose to do something that does not line up at all with the man that I know he wants to be and that he has always proven to be. We make choices every day in every mimute about who we are and who we are going to be in the next minute and the next. Just as he made a choice to make a decision down the wrong path, he can make the right choices going forward. Personally, I don't want to miss out on that. I don't want some other woman to enjoy the man he grows to be from the mistake he made with me. If I'm going to suffer the mistake, I am damned sure going to enjoy the growth and the benefit of that growth!
"I will do whatever I can to make this up to you, but I can't be your slave and owe you for the rest of our lives"
At the time I thought: You just said you would do "anything" followed by "but", so much for "anything" you selfish bastard. Do you have any other rules and limitations you'd like to put in place about how I might personally need to recover?
Now I think: I understood that to be true at that time, but he didn't have to say it. Having said it, in a way I understood how fearful he was that he really did owe me and that I would call him out on it and boss him around and remind him why he had to do whatever I said and asked because of what he did. I was sad that he didn't trust me and know me enough to know that I wouldn't do that. That he would think I, or anyone, would rather boss someone around than be in a loving relationship. As I reflect on this now, I am thinking that he had this sort of relationship with his prior wife, though I do not believe it was a result of an A.
"Please do not scream and yell at me like that, I can't take it, I fell like I'm going to puke":
At the time I thought: "I've felt like puking for the last 5 months - every day, every hour, every minute!, you think I care if I yelled at you twice in that 5 months and you felt like puking twice?!?!"
Now I think: I should have yelled at him more. No, I'm kidding. At 5 months, he knew that it wasn't his place to set rules and he pretty much was letting me define my own needs for recovery. But, that one area really hurt him to the core and he set boundaries for himself. And, I think that it was fair. At the time, I told him I didn't know if I could honor that request and that I didn't like yelling like that but sometimes I did just need to make sure he really felt and understood the depth of my pain because he was so quiet, only answered what I asked, and didn't engage in the type of open conversation with me that I thought he should be doing, that it was unclear if he understood the pain I felt constantly. I never yelled at him again. Honestly, I didn't like myself very much after doing it. It released me of some toxic feelings but I used a toxic feeling to cause the release so I was just blocked up with other toxins when it was done.
I wanted intimacy but he didn't think I did so he was not initiating. Finally, I asked him if he just found me undesirable and didn't want to touch me anymore. I invited him to be intimate and he said "Really?, I didn't think you would want to touch me after that." The WS may not think they are worthy. This is not always the case, some are still confused as to what they want. And, I think there are a lot of other emotional issues that can get in the way of that intimacy.
You must take care of you first. Your body and mind and soul are releasing alot of toxic energy right now, for lack of a better term. It'll show up as grief, anger, hatred, thoughts of revenge, sadness, pain, anxiety. It has to release. It'll feel like so much that you'll feel out of control. But, with time I learned to control it and finally as the release came to its end I learned to control it. Now after 11 months it is merely a small leak that drips every once in awhile, for others it takes alot longer it all depends on the situation and on you.
One way I took care of myself is that when I wasn't in pain and anguish over my personal bruised ego, worries about what others thought, disappointment over shattered dreams, fear of it happening again, and grief over losing the wonderful relationship I thought I had. Then I would try to think of his shame, the struggles he was having, and show some compassion and understanding for him. I think of myself as compassionate and that is where I found peace. I was afraid that he would take it for granted, but he didn't. It fed him and helped to build trust and space for communication. It helped us to heal our relationship. We are still working on it. And, I'm looking forward to doing MC with him in a few months.
I see many people have already welcomed you and have given such wonderful advice. I assume the A is over? I could not tell by what was written. Anyway, I hope so. I am glad to hear you are in IC. What about your wife, is she in IC? If not, she should be. And have the two of you thought about MC? MC is a good way to discuss your pain and perhaps the MC would be able to let her know that you are normal...and you just dont get over such a betrayal...it takes time and a 100% remorseful WS for that to happen. But as the others have said, she is acting quite normal for a WS, although that doesnt stop you from hurting. But just knowing what is happening is normal is comforting, at least it was for me.
I am so sorry you are in pain (emotionally & physically)
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Thanks I've got a few of the books that were suggested and I'm reading them - just in a couple of pages so far so I don't have much to "report" hehe
Things are going well for the last week - she really seems to have realized, I think, what she's done to me and is trying to be very understanding - and we had a great day yesterday at the park with the kids - as a family - so I'm feeling pretty good right about now
if I could just stop the thoughts frolm entering my head about it - I'd be even better :/ - I guess that comes with time and hopefully the books will give me some "tools" or something to help
the IC I'm going to see hasn't helped much really - doesn't offer much advice and told me to read the same books as the forum here lol - but I'm still going...
The wife stopped going to her IC and expressed interest in going to MC so we're looking into that.
But it worked and I got through the moment. 
