I'm not sure if anyone would appreciate this or not......As some of U may know, My H and have been trying to R. After a brief seperation we decided to give it another go.
Long story short......H has been home for about 2 mos.....within that time he did a complete turn around....almost like the stepford H (as some put it), needless to say, I wasnt to convinced of NC as H claims since Nov. 07. Plus the OW has been leaving me little hints, which ofcourse H denies. Anyways, during a phone conversation yesterday while H was at work telling me how rotten his day was...blah, blah, blah.....I decided to call the old Wphone....(Thats the phone OW got for H to communicate without me knowing).....So as I listen to him ramble, I hear the wphone ringing right on cue as I'm calling it, in the backround. Can U believe this!!! Ofcourse another deniel, said I heard the work phone ringing.....Strangly when H returned home in the eve...he could not produce the time of the so called work related call on his work phone. So, He accuses me of accusing......more words said and off he went.....What is wrong with this man??????
I gotta tell you....I dont know when he found the time to hook back up with OW....He has been here at home every min he's not at work....His work truck is GPS'd so his boss knows where he is at all times. If he's not where he is suppose to be, H'll hear about it.
I guess H's getting pretty slick.....but not slick enough
I cant believe I have been reduced to this behavior......GRrrrrr! I'm mad at myself!
You listened to your gut and it was right. Do not beat yourself up for being "reduced" to this behavior. You have every right to know what is going on in your marriage. Your WH is not being honest, so you have to do what you have to do to find out the truth. Your WH is obviously still in contact with the OW. I went through this as well,a s have many here. After WH being on his best behavior, I knew he was still lying behind my back. All he did was lay low for awhile. Unfortunately this is very common. The only suggestion I have is to uphold your boundareis. What happens now that he has been caught once again? Who cares what he is admitting to, you know what you know. Now what?
I know none of this is easy. But he has no right to continue lying and expect the marriage to get better. My WH was so mad I asked him to choose between hia family and his drugs (gave him a whole year and all he did was lie) cause he thought he was being Mr. Wonderful. Well, Mr. Wonderful doesnt lie to his wife about major relationship issues...he knew the pot was a deal breaker and he made his choice. And as long as someone keeps lying...no trust is being rebuilt. The more the trust is broken, the harder it becomes to rebuild it. I know...they dont get it....some never do! Im sorry you are going through this. It hurts, I know
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Mar 25, 2008 10:26 AM
I can certainly understand your frustration and anger. Just a thought though--unless your number is blocked from showing up, your H took one look at the cell phone and knew immediately that you were calling him, not OW or anyone else.
I'm a little confused, so please bear with me. Had there been an agreement to get rid of that phone? I think that I would have demanded it to be thrown in the trash or returned to the owner if my wife had one from the OM.
As far as the time accountablity, it makes sense that he'd have very little time to devote to a relationship, unless the OW was satisfied with stolen moments and telephone conversations at this point. I've heard of cases where the OP/WS put the relationship on 'standby' while they wait for the right time to file for divorce. That can be driven by financial concerns, child custody concerns, or job issues. A few people have requested some additional legal protection from their spouse before going forward with attempts at reconcilation.
You have every right to discover the truth about his sincerity. There's plenty of reason to need assurance beyond his word.
Yes, the original phone I found and destroyed. OW proceeds to get a 2nd phone........I know she got a knew phone becuse she called H from it 3 days after I destroyed the other. With Verizon you can keep ur same number.
Initially, after reading what happened, I tried to come up with logical reasons about the phone...your call to it...and his response (perhaps a BS's attempt to have an open mind and not just run to thinking the worst). But the kicker in all of this is that the phone was on and nearby...so nearby that you could hear it ring: why? Only one reason comes to mind.
It'd be awesome if you could get your hands on the phone to view the call log or alternatively to see the statement that would give the incoming and outgoing calls. In the meantime, Amy, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I wish that WS understood the compounded damage that inflict when they lie after DDay. Hugs to you. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I can't remember--is OW married? If so, does her H know about the A? If she is married, perhaps you may want to consider contacting her H and tellng him that they are still in contact with each other.
If she is not married, perhaps you may want to institute the 180 rules.
Whatever you do, please stay strong and remind yourself that your H is responsible for his behavior. Whatever he chooses to do has nothing to do with you. If he was unhappy in your marriage prior to the A, he had a choice to work on the marriage.
From my personal experience and knowing about others' experiences, I believe that WS seldom, if ever, admit to themselves that they can choose to work on the marriage and that they may have contributed to the unhappy state of the marriage. They just don't seem to take responsibility for the marriage. But then, that irresponsibility is part of why they were able to give themselves permission to cheat.
Sigh. I wish I had a perfect answer for you.
How about some encouraging fairy hugs instead?
edited for content error
This message has been edited by fairyfriend on Mar 25, 2008 2:08 PM
Did your husband answer the cell phone? If not, did you get an "out of service" message, or a voice mail box?
You might try calling it a few other times to see if you can verify that it is in service and who is in possesion of it. Who knows, if you call it when he is at home you might hear it ring.
The situation sounds very suspicious, but not absolute proof. However, you don't need absolute proof to make a decision. Gut feelings are very important in discovering these things. Your gut has lead you this far, so continue to trust it. If you are certain that the phone that rang is the phone you called, then in my opinion this is a deal breaker. It might be necessary to find a way to monitor him more closely. I believe a truly remorseful spouse will be willing to allow any measures available to rebuild trust.