I don't know where to begin....
I was just out of a serious relationship with someone I had been with for 7 years (who coincidentally cheated on me with a family member) when I met my H. He was so great, patient, kind, funloving, generous, honest. Made me feel so good....
Got married after 1 1/2 years together. He knew all of my past and we talked to a C to help me get over it.
I was blindsided by a mutual friend who called me at work and told me H had slept with someone I worked with who was on a debate type team with my H. I had asked H about this person before as she was the club president and he was VP so a few nights he had gone to her house to work on issues (little did I know they had nothing to do with the club). She had called a few times, given him tickets to sporting events, etc. He said nothing was happening when I asked. Then he co-coached a soccer team with another girl that I asked about. I really thought I was paranoid because of my past.... I confronted the club president who totally denied. I went home and confronted H who admitted that he "loved" me but was not "in love" with me- whatever the h*ll that means. Funny thing is, we were close to our 7 year anniversary and he bought me a huge new wedding set and was always telling me how much he loves and needs me.
It has been almost 3 years but I still think about it. I am sure he hasn't done anything since, he has been very upfront and honest (I think) about things. Answered all my questions, never got angry, cried and told me how deeply sorry he was. He also says he knows he has to earn my trust, etc, but I don't know how to let him earn it.....
Now when he tells me how much he loves me, I don't know how I feel. I don't want to lose my family (we have 3 children). I also don't want to be stuck with this for the rest of my life...how can I get past it? I should say, some days are totally good, I don't think about it or worry about it, but other days....
How will I know if I am really over this????
I don't think you every get it over it. I know I won't. I am on my way to 6 years. I think the hardest time in some ways for me was the 3 year mark and I did come closer at that point than at any other to saying I couldn't live with it. Part of it was that I still had some questions and was finding it increasingly difficult to ask them - neither of us actulaly wanted to go back to the As - one PA and 2-3 EAs. I felt disillusioned and just disappointed in my H even though I also admired and respected him in many other ways. I felt a bit hopeless at realizing I would be living with this for the rest of my life if I stayed. I think at some point you know that you can't go back. You know this person to whom you are closer than anyone else just may not be there for you when you really need them - it's frightening. I think in relationships as long as we don't know that we indulge in the belief that we can rely on the other person completely although that probly is an illusion. After an A you know it's an illusion. I missed the fantasy. The last two years for me have been making peace with the loss of something that maybe I never really had and appreciating what I do have in my M and my family. There is no easy answer to your question other than to say that as it's further behind with time, if the questions you needed answered were answered, and your Hs is truly remorseful, you do get beyond it if not over it. MM
I love your question because it got me thinking that I know I've gotten over things in my life. So I started thinking about what it looks like when I'm over something.
So here's how I know I'm over something...
I no longer have anything negative to say about it.
In fact, I probably have shifted to saying positive things about it.
I have learned something from it and I have grown or am growing as a result.
I am at peace when I have reminders or think of the issue or person, whatever it may be.
Then I started realizing that I had a few things in my life that I'm not 'over' right now. I hate it when I can't get 'over' something. It makes me mad. I know that it wastes my time and energy to be not 'over' something. But, I also know that the process of getting 'over' it is a process of personal growth and understanding. So I pat myself on the back and know that I will get 'over' all of it eventually, because I have faith in myself and I know I want to be 'over' stuff so I will as soon as I possibly am ready to be.
Something that concerns me about your post is the number of fears you have, he's lying, he's betraying your trust, you'll lose your family, your life will always have these worries, you can't stop worrying about it. You're fear is ruling your life, or at least those bad days from time to time. And, clearly you do not like it. I am sure you have also had things in your life that you were afraid of that you are no longer afraid of and you have some techniques for dealing with those things.
I am sure that when you face your fears you will find that you have all of the character, strength, and will to survive and flourish. And so there really is no need to fear. You are amazing! You have survived on relationship that ended due to an affair and now you are recovering and staying in a relationship that had an A. You are a Saint! You will still be you, that amazing, strong, loving, understanding, forgiving, compassionate, hopeful person that you are whether he is involved in an A right now or in the future. Whether you are married to him or divorced. Life will be different and it will change no matter what! But, you will always be amazing.
You aren't going to like what I say next. You don't have to believe me. I'm no psychologist. But just try it on and see if it fits. If not toss it. I won't mind. Here it goes: When you are not afraid of what the impact of another A would have on your self and your family then you will be over it.
My parting thought is the one that had me shift, for the most part, from letting my fears ruin even a part of my day. A friend of mine died in a plane accident. He was just gone the next day. And, I thought what if today is my last day? My day will look totally different if I live the day afraid that my husband is going to have another affair or that he is having an affair right now than if I live the day totally in love with him. And so now I wake up and I chose to live each day totally in love with my husband and without fear. I am going to live my life as if I will die or he will die before he has a chance to have another affair. I believe that if I love totally then I am being true to myself and how I want to live my life. And, being true to myself at my core (not just surface wants and needs) is the best way to live my life.
(((((stillhartbroken))))))
It sounds like your husband is remorseful..but I know what you mean about feeling stuck....I agree with, and love the above responses. Hope, I have a question for you...Do you think a person can get to a place in his/her mind to be able to live the way you were describing in your response, if H is remaining unremorseful and defending his actions?
Thank you so much for the words of wisdom. Most days are good days but I have my moments.
I know he is remorseful and I don't think there is anything he could do more/better to show me that. I can't say that I have gotten to the part where I feel nothing when I think about the A. I still get all knotted up inside and a little sick feeling but I don't really share that with my H. He says everyday how much he loves me and appreciates me, but it doesn't feel the same to hear it as it did before. I guess I just think/feel that when he says those things he might not really mean them because I don't feel like he meant them before (though I didn't know it at the time). I also don't feel the same when I tell him that I love him back. I mean it, it just doesn't feel the same.
I also am still a slight bit angry with the OW. I know sometimes H's don't disclose they are married, but I knew the OW and they knew he was married (I know he should have stoppped himself as well).
I feel like my H and I have always had a close emotional tie and I know this probably doesn't make sense (no excuses) but sometimes I think it was more a physical thing like, wow, someone else finds me attractive and they aren't that bad either..... as soon as the 1st OW wanted a connection/time spent together (not sex, just time) he broke it off. He slept with her twice. The other one was once. I don't know whether this should make me feel good or bad (I know he wouldn't have left & didn't want a relationship with the OW, coming from her own mouth).
I feel like I am rambling but it feels so good to get this off my chest. I really haven't talked to friends/family about any of this because I don't want them to hate him and that cause the whole uncomfortable thing when we are all together. I guess I just figure if I can "get over it" or deal with it and I want to stay, it is no one else's business.......
"Hope, I have a question for you...Do you think a person can get to a place in his/her mind to be able to live the way you were describing in your response, if H is remaining unremorseful and defending his actions?"
Stuckinonespot. All of my indicators from my H's behavior and the facts are that he is remorseful. I believe from stillhartbroken that they were also in that situation. So yes, I was answering from the point of view of someone who is with a H who is remorseful, transparent, understanding the causes, re-engaged in the relationship, no contact. All of it.
If the H is unremorseful and defending his actions then I would see him as someone who is involved in and losing his battle to be his true, good self. I would be sad for him. And, I would have a great deal of compassion for him. That is where I would find peace, because I would be being my true "compassionate" self. He is a human being and he is giving away his power to chose his better self every time he turns towards the fantasy of the affair. He is weak and it is sad. It is so powerful the feelings and emotions that he is unclear of what his true self is any more. Do I discover myself in this thing that brings pleasure which seems to equate to happiness? Or is it the rules by which he has lived his life to this point? Every day he comes home is an opportunity to recognize and chose his true self. He is uncertain. He barely recognizes it because his has fed so much of his own personal power into the feelings he is getting on the surface from the A. It is his human struggle. I would watch him struggle, be available to help when he's ready for it, love him anyways and that is where I would find my peace.
My personal choice is to be available to people who want to grow. It nourishes me to be in that environment. It does not nourish me to be around people who are stuck. Unless they recognize they are stuck and want to and need to get unstuck. It is difficult to stay "stuck in one spot". But, knowing that's where you are is the first step to knowing how to get moving again. Sometimes you just have to sit there for awhile. And, I realize that he might have to sit there a while. Or, I might sit in that spot for a while before I've decided to move away from it. I sat in anger for a while, I have decided to move away from it. It is a practice and a discipline but I merely look at the rules that guide my life and make a decision to live by them. I know that is where my true happiness lies.
If my H were to have another A, which I don't think that he would. I would be disappointed, but I absolutely will not take it personally. Even if it is aimed at me as a malicious act, I will know that it is his choices, his behavior, his struggle. I will know that he is losing his battle to build personal strength, energy, and status by turning to his temptations, surface needs and wants rather than his core character which is the compassionate, giving, happy man I know that he is. I am strong and compassionate. I will be sad for him.
If my presence was not helping him to get unstuck then I would be compelled to remove myself from his life. No need for me to absorb negativity if it does not make a difference in his life. I would still be there for him when he was ready to move forward. Although, I might be remarried!
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