Sorry about the silence. I haven't been logging in because I have been busy with new job.

I have moved from Quebec and I am currently renting a room from my parents (turns out apartments in my hometown go for 1,000/month for one room, if you can find one). I got a job at the local paper as a productino assistant and am learnign a whole new skill set. I tried subbing but only got 1 day in 2 weeks, not enough work to survive, and this other job came out of no where. The pay and hours are less than what I had before, but it is a job.

WS and I are still talking regularly. He came home (he ahd been on course) the weekend and I moved and he and my father got along well. dad asked who's decsion it as to leave and I said it was mutual (it was - he asked someone else to move in ad I chose to leave town ). My parents don't know why I left and I have refused to tell anyone. I tell people my marrage is a rorscahrt (sic) test - what people think happened tells me more about them then it does about my marriage.

Our last weekend together, he admitted that, if I hadn't left town, things probably would never had changed. He agreed that I needed to "call his bluff" and he needs this time to figure out how to fix things. We talked online and via phone and were getting along great...until she arrived in Canada and moved in. He refuses to tal about details but he has said many times that he regrets the situation he put us in and things aren't like he thought they would be. But, he has changed his banking back to a Canadian institution, no longer plans on visiting Europe and has outright said he has started a "Bring Chinook Home" fund (I have that point in writing). I pointed out that charging her rent would be a great way to build that fund fast. He has refused comment.

Before thinking I am too naive, I do know that they are still sharing a bed (ther eis only one in the house) and he won't talk about her at all. He calls me after she is asleep (helps I am two hours behind) or when he is out of the house. He refuses to give me a general date for my return. He also acknowledges I don't trust a word of what he says and doesn't blame me.

But, he has changed. He no longer gets angry when I get emotional (which still happens a lot) or when I tell him I don't trust him. He says this has surprised him. Also, he says he misses me every time he calls, something he never did the first time we seperated. I feel things have changed enough for him, that he recognizes his mistake and is now trying to figure out how to change things for the better. To his credit, he hasn't said one word, good or bad, about the OW, even when I have baited him. he no longer defends her. I know you are wondering, though, if he cares, why is she still there? I beleive him when he says he feels trapped by his bad decisions and he owes it to her to not kick her out on to the street (she knows no one else in Canada) and knows her job is only temporary (I asked - she is on a short term student visa with no chance for renewal)

For now, I sit here and work my new job, find a second to pay for the move (ugh) and wait for him to scrap together the money to brign me back. In the meantime, I go out with my coworkers and live a normal life. I have even started wearing my wedding ring again, first time in over a year, because I have faith that, just maybe, things will get better. and, I will apply for teaching jobs in a few months in case we don't. I live life in limbo, one day at a time.

Chinook

(((((((((((((((Chinook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)))))))))))))

Its so good to hear your "voice"! I've been hoping that the move went well and that in addition to the physical transition, that the emotional transition would be going well, too.

All your news sounds good: congrats on the job. Even though it wasn't what you were looking for and expecting (not to mention less pay than you had hoped for), I'm really proud of you for rolling up your sleeves and taking on a new, exciting challenge. That you're going out with co-workers is awesome to hear, too. I know Quebec had been a social desert for you and that culturally you had felt almost shunned. Its sounds like, despite the reasons for moving, that the move has had positives for you. I hope they continue to roll in and lift your heart and spirits.

I'm not quite sure what to say about your WH. Its interesting he's learned that life isn't always greener with the OW, and that when the fantasy world becomes one's reality, the fantasy "high" evaporates into its own reality.

Here's an odd question for you: I know you guys aren't divorced. Its a separation constructed by his inability to make a concrete decision and your ability to construct a boundary. But you're still married. You're wearing your ring. But...At the point OW has moved in and he's talking with you on the phone after she's asleep or when he's out of the house, is there any part of that situation that feels like you've become the OW in their relationship? Don't get me wrong; I love that WH has the "bring Chinook home" fund going; its really sweet and loving and I'm absolutely keeping my fingers crossed that you have new reason to have hope. But I'm nervous that he subconciously requires having a fallback gal somewhere in the world to quiet whatever demons he has internally while he's living with whatever woman is currently in his home. What do you think?

Thank you so much, Chinook, for letting us know you're doing ok and checking in. We care very much about you and want you to have what you so deeply deserve: peace, love, respect, joy. Big hugs. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Thanks for the update Chinook. As with my own marriage...part of sticking around is to see how this all turns out. And, I'm looking forward to the day that this all turns out for you. Whether it ends or rebuilds, I am looking forward to you arriving at your point of clarity.

Oooohhhh.... Blue Iris is wise one.

In a much smaller version of what you are going through, I gave my H every reason to show any small smidgen of dedication to me over the A and in the fog he always chose the A.
I'm so sick I have to got to the hospital - he didn't come home.
I ask why he's cheating on me and he asks for a couple more days to go to his "work" event.

After Dday, I asked him why he didn't just come home, why didn't he just stay home. He had said he didn't have any obligation to these women. But, when I asked him that question he said he couldn't just cancel his plans, as if there was some obligation to these strangers. I think another part of it was that he wasn't sure which action he took would either prove or disprove what was happening, since at that point I still didn't "know" and he had a chance of still getting away with it, without me knowing.

As long as there is any way to keep his foot in the fog my H stayed in the fog. When I asked him if I hadn't persisted if he would have kept going he said he didn't know. And, he was honest and said that he for sure couldn not say that he was on the way to stopping on his own.

Do or Do Not, There is no Try.
---Yoda

Blue Iris, you are right in how he is treating me in many ways like an OW and I have called him on it from the start. The first time he called me after she arrived I knew he was hiding in a different room (the echo from it being empty was noticeable) and I told him I won't be an OW, that I deserved better. But, at the same time,I refuse to talk to him with OW there(I deserve his whole attention) and the condo is quite small, so he has to wait until she is asleep or out of the house.

Hope, you are also right about him having a reason to have one foot in the fog. But, he also had over a month with neither of us around and, from the number of times he communicated with me (I told him I would never intiate contact for various reasons), I know he was only talking to me. The relationship shifted through those conversations and the weeks leading up to the move. And then it changed when she arrived (I was pissed because he chose not to tell me until the day of her arrival and had chosen to forget about her existance).

Because we are so far apart, there is nothing he can do physically to change thigns except throw her out, which I would feel horrible about because she is a) in a foreign country and b)she is a potential source of income to get me back (I am not above using her since she is staying in MY home)

As for him using me as a safety net (and setting this up for future patterns), I tend to think this is not what is happenning. Never before has he had an extended A (with g/f's he would cheat and dump - a very childish way to break up) and we have had extended time apart due to his job, so he had opportunity. And there is something in how is now communicating with me that makes me think he has changed. Again, though, I know the proof is in the pudding and nothing counts until I am back.

Chinook

And WS gave me some great news. He is sleeping on the couch and has been since OW moved in. This came to ligth when I told him (he called tonight) that I was having a rough week because I was going to bed alone and he wasn't. He said that I knew he wasn't because he told me when he said that he was calling from the couch with a blanket over him. I pointed out that I thought it meant he was cold. Now I know better.

Thank God I sold him that couch!

For our anniversary, he sent me a cute wallet with a monkey on it in hoeps that I would see it and think of him (inside joke).I also celebrated by explaining to Canada Post why they weren't suppose to be sending me his mail when they forward mine.

Chinook

Oh, girl, that's great news. I'm hoping and praying that he's really woken up and is able to see more clearly what a terrific and amazing woman you are. Keep us posted, if you can. We're all pulling for you. Hugs! BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."