Her behavior is so much better. She is behaving as a loving, repentant, wife. She does not talk about the A at all, not even if she sees me hurting. She has been seeing an IC since 2/11. That has helped her tremendously, but still... We had not talked about the A or us since probably January 15. I thought I would not press, let her bring it up, see how things went. Things have gotten better. But.
But, I still have doubts and wonder where we are headed. Does she still have communication? Is she happy with me because I don't say anything and she is having her EA and me? (It was a PA, but I am home so much and he is so far away, I know there is no way for them to be together. pretty much) So, I brought it up on Saturday. She says she feels better, lucky to have me, lucky I have stayed, and that she wants us to make it. She admitted that she has received contact in January and again, that is the last time. And again, she'll tell me if anything else happens. Bull. NC letter sent mid-October, she says no contact was had until he called that one day in January and she told him not contact her. I asked why she deletes her browsing history and she told me she felt like I was still checking up on her. I said I am, and that her continued lies and coverups and not saying what is happening keeps me in that mode. I asked why she needs to go to reunion.com, she lied and said girlfriends. I did not confront her on this lie, I know she lies. She said she doesn't think I will ever trust her. I told her she doesn't know how badly I want to trust her and how I get close to it, but she continues to step on that trust (by not telling me about the phone call). I don't want to live like this.
I am tired of not trusting her. This is not how I want to live. Her IC told her she has to talk about the A. She doesn't like confrontation and doesn't want to talk about it. She runs away. This is a very tiring existence. I hold honesty and trust at such a high place, I do wonder if I'll ever be able to forgive, something she has not asked for. Her IC has told her to ask.
I know that if I D her, I choose to remain single. The only way to have what I want, the life I want is to reconcile completely with her. But is she worthy? Is someone who could do that worthy? I read here of multiple D-Days and I don't want to experience that myself. (who does? And who wants to be here in the first place, I know.)
I am one of those who experienced multiple d-days, so I wont go into my experiences as of late....
However, going back before the recent d-day, I felt all the things you are feeling. How can you get back the trust? I wanted my marriage and family, I wanted to be happy again. What I learned from all of the wise people on this site is openess and comunication are key.
You need to tell your W what you need to heal. Do you need to discuss the A, the details or just how W was feeling during that time, what she got out of the A. What else do you need from her? Does she need to make you feel loved every day? Than you need to tell her that.
In return and perhaps not right away, you need to start doing the things that SHE needs, not what you think she needs.
She also needs to tackle the lying. Catching her in any lie, even one of omission (not telling of the contact from OM)is only going to set you back. She needs to be open and honest on all fronts.
"The only way to have what I want, the life I want is to reconcile completely with her. But is she worthy? Is someone who could do that worthy?"
I can't agree with this statement and questions enough! The life I want includes my family, marriage and a remorseful H. Is a WS worthy? I even now say YES if they are a truly repentant and honest FWS and are willing to work hard on themselves and the marriage!
I understand all the questions you asked, as I too, am at that place. I also struggle with multiple DDAYS. My H is acting alot like your wife at this point. Doesn't want to bring up the A, when confronted with suspicious behavior, He simply steps around the truth. Tells me to stop digging for things, he has nothing to hide, doesn't care if OW is making me think they are still in contact. Says that chapter is over, it was a glitch in his life. He wants me to believe what he is saying is the Gospel Truth....yeah right? His behavior has swung in so many different directions, I Don't know whats real anymore. Confusion, to say the least!!!
I am trying to go at it one min. at a time......I have good days and very bad days, that throw me back to square one. It all depends on what H gives me...If he gives me 10% one day, I give 10% back.....if its more, than I give more back...I really do not kwow what else to do. I think I might try, whatever you say or do cant hurt me anymore attitude.
I understand not knowing for sure, if your Spouse is totally committed, its exhausting, going on 10 mos for me......and I have to be honest, if your W isn't given you what u need to heal, even though you have tried to tell her, over and over, it is not going to be easy for you, ......I know. Instead of my H helping me, he puts the blame on me, wondering why I cant let it go. Me not letting it go is making him act this way......Shaaa!
You want so much to look at your spouse with the respect and admiration you once felt, but you know you cant. The one person who was suppose to protect you, has hurt you so deeply, and would rather leave you to deal with it on your own...I wish I understood from a WS point of view. To know exactly what it is they need. Big ((((((HUGS)))))) to you.
I am glad to hear your W is in IC...that is a good sign. Have the two of you tried MC in addition to her going to IC? Going to MC may make it easier for her to open up to you and talk about the A. It can also help you because you will get information that you need to make choices for yourself and to take better care of YOU.
Trust is not regained/rebuilt by W "deleting the browser information". It is the opposite! You have every right to check up on your W and make sure she is telling the truth. Thos who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. She is not being transparent and that is a no-no when trying to rebuild the trust. MC can also help there and explain this to her. At one point you do have to trust her, but it is too soon and she isnt really doing anything to rebuild that trust.
And you are not alone....
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
You might want to ask the FWS's (Former Wayward Spouse's) on open board if when they were in transition they ever felt like they needed to protect their privacy when they didn't have any A activity to hide. That sounds very suspicious to me. My H is very open with letting me read his Blackberry over his shoulder, he leaves his history so I can see it, one night we were driving by his work and I made him stop, go in and open up his history there, he leaves his bills out. I don't usually check stuff very often but I know I can whenever.
It's silly for her to delete the whole history. A sneaky one would only delete the bad stuff and leave the normal history there for you to see. There's always a way to hide it, if something needs to be hidden.
I find it suspicious, but WS do weird things, they don't always know what the right thing is to do, and even if they deserve have their privacy invaded upon I think they still have a human need to know that they have a private space. It was one of the things my H said right off the bat, but then he changed his tune when he fully confessed and got on the road to recovery. The privacy and secrecy was a very safe place for him to be and he didn't want to give that up within the first few days. Later he learned that he really didn't need it and that we had more open discussions when we didn't try to manage things on our own and shared most everything. I think he enjoys that change in our relationship more now.
He also has access to all of my journals and my notes here on the Forum and he's welcome to them. He's not all that excited about riding my roller coaster but he's invited to do it any time and ask me questions about it. I don't think he ever will.
