Cheating has to be one of the cruelest things you can do to someone. Now I'm not talking about the drunken passed out "true mistakes" that are made. I'm talking about repeat offenders here. Folks who are caught 2nd, 3rd, 4th.... times and cry and beg and plead saying they have this revelation and understand now and will never ever do it again and they cant live without you.
Then 2 weeks later drive 300 miles to spend the night with someone else. What were they thinking on that drive? While they were calling and talking to the OP for 2 hrs on the phone during the drive. This is clearly premeditated just like a sick plot to murder someone to collect the insurance money. It was a well thought out plan.
You have to really truely hate your spouse to do that. What did we do to be hated this much?
The A has nothing to do with you or hating you...It is all about themselves the addiction to the OP...the drug like state that they get when with the OP.. it is the high from the secret of the A..the forbidden fruit..if they can't have the fruit then it is more desireable.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this again..just think addiction... helps with the explaination
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Sweetie, what's going on? The last time we heard from you was around the new year, and things were going really well. I'm so sorry to hear the pain in your voice. Is there anything we can do, or that you want to talk about? Big hugs. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I took the ultimate leap of faith and married him. Believed the "spiritual transformation" he had ...hook, line and sinker.
I have always been active in the church and strong in faith even though I had backslidden for a while. I am a true beliver in repentance and forgiveness (my downfall).
I forgave everything and I mean all of it. He was never a churchgoer, and believed church was full of hypocrites and actually went so far as to joke about it.
But, then the "Revelation" came. We had been in church every sunday since the beginning of Jan., tears running down his face as the sermon "really spoke to his heart", reading the bible together every night and going everywhere together so as to do whatever it took to "make me comfortable and earn trust". Then there's the pot bowl in the sock (I was COMPLETELY blindsided by that one.
So, I decided to return to the detective work. Interesting confirmation from match.com in his email (see other post) and back to the cell phone records. 2 wks after we married he took a trip to North Carolina (about 300 miles) to visit his cousin and her husband. We were having a disagreement at the time because a previous OP was still calling him. So he needed to get away.
As I looked at the calls to NC something didn't seem right, so I called. Woman answered, I asked if she was Robin, she said yes, told her I was ------'s wife and was calling to check number on cell record. She immediately told me she was just a friend. So, I asked about her husband, John. Who? she said. I asked if she was my husband's cousin and she said no, just a friend. (cut to the chase) I asked her if he had been there she said uh....no. Ok - did you sleep with my husband, yes or no??? She said I think you have the wrong number.
Next stop, edit match.com, call my pastor and cry to him for an hour, make an appt with IC.... had enough, time to move on.
Sorry for the bluntness, Blue. Tired and angry at myself for forgiving him countless times and letting him make a joke out of me and my faith.
Thank you so much for asking. I hope you are doing well. My first appt with IC is Friday and Im really ready and looking forward to it. Im hoping he will give me some good coping strategies to get through this and move on.
This message has been edited by osfan66 on Apr 2, 2008 5:16 PM
It's a wonderful thing to forgive. It wasn't foolish, it was beautiful. Don't let his bad behavior make forgiveness be a bad thing. You are a good person doing good and smart intelligent and gracious things. Never think for a moment that it was the wrong thing to do. It was beautiful, I'm proud of you and amazed by you.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. My DDay was March 19th, 2006. That is because the OW called me and told me all about it because he was trying to back away from her. She is the one who told me about my H's other affair.
Any way, I too felt like it was all my fault, or that I must have done something to make him hate me enough to completely break me. Over the past 2 years, I have discovered it really wasn't about me. It wasn't a need I wasn't fulfillig, it was about him.
As I read your post, it really sounds like your H is still in the fog. It sounds like he has not enacted the NO COCONTACT rule. Until he completely cuts off all communication with the OW she still has a part of his life. If he is not wanting to give her up, then it is time for you start thinking about what is best for you. There are many, many spouses that know their husbands are unfaithful, and just ignore it and take what ever piece of them they can get, but that is so unfair. So, no matter how many times he goes to church and repents and begs and pleads, if he is still having contact with the OW or finding new OW, there is nothing you can do except take action to protect yourself.
People can change. They can be truly sorry for their actions, and take responsibility for those actions. However, it sounds like your WS trying to go through the motions, and not truly taking actions.
It has been 2 years for me, and my H and I are closer than ever, but I remain suspicious. He still does not have any right to freedom, and knows he may never. I have forgiven my husband, but I will never forget and I will never think this can't happen again.
I am so sorry you have to be here, because I remember all two well those feelings of anxiety, and anguish that go along with having a WS.
Hey, girl. I'm hoping that IC went well today. I know you're hurting and angry, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that you can get through this and over it, and be great.
As for "forgiveness". With your H, the decision to forgive him is up to you. But there is nothing wrong with not forgiving him. My opinion on "forgiveness" is a bit different than Hope's.
In my situation, my stance is pretty firm: what my H did is absolutely unforgiveable. The person he was is not welcome in my home or in my life. I have every reason to be angry about how I was manipulated, cheated and lied to during the course of our marriage. If that "version" of my H shows up again, the message is pretty loud and clear about his decision regarding our life together. And my boundary is clear, too. My H and I have talked about this. He has told me he completely understands and agrees; what he did was unforgiveable.
However, our goal for most of the time past DDay has been reconciliation (minus the initial shock and fog of that time right after discovery). So, what we have done with this common ground of non-forgiveness is to focus on H being "reborn" - not in a religious way, but in truly being the man he wants to be (honorable, connected, loving, truthful, respectful). He's worked really hard at that. He initially had to come to terms with who he'd been at his core - the addict, the liar, the cheat. Once he owned those failings, he ran the gamut: IC, MC, meds, reading A-related books, participating in other forums for particular issues he has and really doing the nitty gritty work necessary for a marriage to thrive. He is not the same man - thank God.
And I've had to have parts of myself reborn, too. There has to be that transformation of releasing the fantasy of who we were, understanding that blind trust is unwise, and finding my identity with or without H, and being true to that.
Osfan, in your situation, I'm not sure if you've had it and are now done with the M (considering everything you've dealt with, I'd completely understand) or if there is still a part of you that wants the M to work. I'm not sure if your H is again being remorseful and wants to work things out or if he's 'fessed up about just being done. (Is this the same OW that he has a child with? That may be a forever tricky situation that ties him to OW.) Where forgiveness lies in your equation will depend on what you and your H individually want for the marriage.
But, (((((((((((((((Osfan))))))))))))), the most important person to forgive in this situation is: YOU. You love(d) him and acted on that love and on the behaviors you saw from him in church and in your life, and made decisions based on that. Please, please don't rag on yourself for his failings, his bad decisions and his deception. Your ability to love is stellar and valuable. Forgive yourself, Osfan, if you haven't already.
My big question for you is, when you put the anger aside (i.e., revenge or helpful editting), what do you want for your marriage?
Big, big hugs to you. Its been quite a ride and you've got to be exhausted. Fondly, Blue Iris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I have asked myself the same question - over and over. Sadly, I don't think my H hated me. I think he didn't care about my needs or feelings at all - and that is far more searing. If I existed in his thought process, even in hatred, it would have meant that I existed. But, I feel like I was nothing, just nothing.
He did, over time, demonize me and re-invented our entire life together in order to justify himself. That was pretty bad and at the time, crazy and anxiety making.
But, not caring about me at all, the one he claimed he loved and would protect? The guilt-less lies he told me and himself? Subjecting me to ridicule? Stealing the intimacy that was ours, cheapening it and tossing it in the garbage? All while not even considering how it could effect me or hurt me? That is cold, ice-cold.
In order to recover, I think we have to recognize that was then and what matters is now. How is H today? How does he view the past today? What is he willing to do today? How will he show his love today?
I think we all have an urgent,urgent need to re-create the past, make it all go away but sadly, even a totally remorseful H cannot do that. And the more we torture ourselves with that idea, the slower our progress will be. I listen to my advice about 50% of the time but I couldn't even see that perspective at the beginning so I guess there is progress.
Time is on your side and so are we.