Hey, there! Are you still up? Do you want to chat? I'll check back in a bit and see if you're around. ((hugs)) BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Blue,
How kind and loving! Guess I did sound pretty angry/crazy/verging on deranged. I have always been a bit of a night owl. We have a Saturday night ritual - go to our very rural weekend house, AA meeting at 7, dinner out to talk, then home to read/watch movie until the early hours of the morning. I am prone to pretty wild mood swings and sometimes, I get myself really worked up. This morning, I woke up feeling loving, calm, positive, grateful even. Just part of the crazy, out of control ride combined with my attraction to drama. But when the overwhelming, all-consuming, out of control rage shows up and there is no target for it, the frustration explodes!!

IC's theory is that, in a perverse destructive way, I like the thrill and despise boredom - and I sometimes wonder if, subconsciously, she is right. There are many reasons why I chose a stormy, moody, charming badboy and that may be one of of them. And, she thinks that may be one of the many reasons I want to stir things up with OW - to create a new, exciting drama where H chooses me. And, also another reason the dagger of infidelity struck so deep - the drama and passion was supposed to be with me. I was turned from an exciting woman into a pathetic, humiliated BS. How could H do that to me, knowing my deepest vulnerabilities and fears? Anyway, another post.

But thank you so much for thinking of me. I would LOVE to chat with you sometime though our timezones make it difficult. You do seem to be doing well and are just amazing in the insight and care you show in your posts. What are you dealing with now?

Much love.

What a wonderful message. Thank you, Susan, for sharing your thoughts and friendship. I'm so glad that by daybreak you were in a better place. But there is something about the night, isn't there? While everyone else sleeps, anger awakens. There's almost sensory memory in walking the halls at night. Its what I did that first DDay night and for so many nights that followed. And though it feels sometimes like the personality split between the betrayed wife persona and the stronger-yet-wiser wife verges on some mental disorder, I kind of prickle at putting the label of "deranged" on it; I think our feelings make perfect sense.

I'm dealing with those same anger issues that a lot of people are talking about lately. In IC last week, I brought up the thought I've been tossing around in my head: I have all this current anger for past behavior. The anger is rational; its just out of time sequence. So is it right to vent at H and express the anger to him? Sometimes. Sometimes it feels almost inappropriate to voice my anger because he's in the middle of current behavior that is wonderful, loving, whole. But where does that leave me and my logical response to wounds that aren't healed yet?

I'm not much of a journal writer, though I told IC I'd give it a shot to see if I found some release in putting those thoughts down. (Haven't done that homework yet: - oops!) But it makes more emotional sense to me to go to the person that made me angry than to a piece of paper. I think its important to the healing process for him, the marriage and myself, to let him know that pain is there. Its better if I can voice my anger without it turning to rage. Most of the time, I can do that.

I've found for me that one of the best ways of dealing with the anger is to acknowledge and validate it. That doesn't mean I should nurture it and try to find ways to make it grow, but it certainly shouldn't be repressed. I think there's still an acceptance factor to the whole betrayal situation that I haven't quite gotten yet. With time there will be acceptance. With acceptance, there will be the ability to let go of the anger. And (sigh) there is that anger/fear connection, too.

Its a maze of sorts, isn't it, that we walk, trying to find our way, bumping into walls and deadends, with little direction. Sometimes we can tell we've progressed. Other times, we're sure we're back at the same corner again, dealing with the same issues. I love that we can at least holler back and forth to each other across the dividers to help each other make it a bit further along, day by day. Big, big hugs for all your help and encouragement. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Dear Blue Iris,

Wow. You didn't take the words out of my mouth. You took the words that were in my mouth - just tonight. I was talking to H and telling him how sometimes I feel so strong and feel above it all - how can I let myself be upset about some sad, lost girls and a H that was desparate and drowning in despair? And, then other times, I fall into the abyss and just can't believe that H was out there doing what he was doing. It all takes on a surreal quality.

Today, I was at a luncheon where some very amazing and powerful women were being honored for their achievements. They were all so inspiring and I thought that I can be like them - I don't have to feel pathetic and small.

Then, I honored myself by getting a manicure ad pedicure on the way home.

Today was a good day but who knows what tomorrow will bring? In some ways, that is up to us though in other ways, the betrayal has a life of its own, sucking us into its abyss.

The other thing you said that really resonated with me was the idea that we are angry with men that no longer exist. Somehow, that was comforting and helped allay the anger a bit. Today's H would not hurt me the way that other unprincipled sick man did.

Yet, it is important for him to understand the pain and devastation - it helps to unload it and builds back intimacy and the sense of a shared life.

Tonight, though, H said, in a kind way, "why do you need to relate everything to THAT? It makes me sad that it is interfering with your joy today." It makes me sad too but, as I told him, I hope that time and more time and more time will change that way of thinking. My fear is that it won't and that the obsession will never end.

See, in one post, the ups and downs are evident.

It is so good to have you here. I just made H read your post because I wanted him to know that there is someone who thinks so much like me. And, like me, he thought you were very insightful and expressed yourself so beautifully.

Thank you.