H and I are trying to reconcile and on a surface level things are going well. 6 months out and I am much calmer and no longer at the mercy of those debilitating triggers (thanks to some hypnotherapy). H is completely remorseful and loving and desperate for things to get back to normal. We have been married for 20 years and so I guess now that the worst part of the grieving is over it's no surprise that we can be reasonably easy in each others company.
As I said on a surface level things are ok but whenever I try to move forward from there I hit a wall. Scratch the surface and I know that I am still angry (not raging around the house in the early hours angry, but angry still) and the part that I am finding so difficult is how I actually feel about him now. I can't honestly say that I look at him and feel love, I don't know what I feel. Also I have lost an enormous amount of respect for him.
I know with my logical head that he is a good person who has made a very bad choice but with my emotional head I can't seem to get past the fact that he has lied and cheated and destroyed my trust in him.
On reading everyone else's posts here it seems to me that we are all in the same boat but most people seem to be sure of the fact that they do still love their partner so have a solid basis on which to reconcile. It feels a bit like I am going through the motions at the moment. Does anyone have any good advice about how I sort my feelings out or am I just feeling like this because it's relatively early days for me.
Hey, Suzie. 6 months from DDay is still pretty early, though you two sound like you're doing well considering how recently the bomb was dropped.
I do think that the more time that elapses from DDay helps create a cushion of "then vs now". The more your FWS can rebuild his honorable self and life, the more you will have to compare your H in the now against the troubled soul that chose to have an A in the past.
You used a phrase that stuck out to me: "...the worst part of the grieving is over..." But perhaps, Suzie, the wall you keep hitting is the possibility that you aren't actually done grieving yet.
Certainly, after DDay, a lot hits the fan. A BS's emotions are off the richter scale in intensity, whether it is anger, depression, confusion, sadness, etc. Once some time has passed, emotions may not be hitting as fast and hard as in the beginning. They are more subtle, more evasive to pin down, more apt to strike at odd moments. But there is certainly re-processing of the same feelings or same issues in an attempt to accept what was originally unimaginable to us.
A lot gets lost when a partner cheats. The marriage as you knew it, is gone. The person you knew: did they ever really exist? Your sense of identity may forever be altered. Those are some major losses. 6 months and a lot of remorseful behavior may have you two on the solid path towards reconciliation, but grief normally takes a while.
I'm not sure if you've seen the post that Ami sent out a while ago about the stages we go through. They are patterned after the stages of grief when a loved one dies. I'm going to bump it up for you. I think its called: The stages we go through.
In the meantime, in terms of being able to really love your H, I think the more you two can have positive now experiences, and he can truly express who he is now vs. who he was then and why he's different, the more you'll be able to see him in a prouder light. Time. I hope that helps a little. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I agree with what Blue wrote above Suzie....6 months from d-day and already feeling and doing so well is really good.
I think that the more time that passes from d-day gives you the ability to see that his actions follow his words. The more times that you find that ocurring gives him more opportunity to begin rebuilding the trust he lost. You said that 'he is desperate for things to get back to normal' and that is true for almost all WS. They want life to just move on and let's get back to living. Has he figured it out? Does he know why he did it? If so, do you see how/why it happened? Does he take ownership for it all?
I am wondering what your wall is? Is it fear? trust? pain? anger? love? fear?
There are so many unbelievable emotions that the BS feels and experiences post d-day - I am thinking that you still haven't gone through it all.
Suzi, I am 4yrs past d-day 1 and 2 yrs past d-day 5...I am still with my H and we've been married for 19 years. I can say that I love him, but I don't look at him the same. Respect. You mentioned that. It is hard to love someone that you do not respect.
Read and maybe print out the post that was 'bumped' up. It is a great post that Ami wrote and has a lot of great information in there. Ami is an incredible writer - I've read that post several times.
TIME
that is a 4-letter word. I know. All of this takes time. You can't heal faster than you or he wants, you can't 'get over' or 'get past' this any faster than what you need to do. It is the one word that we all hate as BS'....it just takes time.
Keep posting..it helps get it all out!!
Denise
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"
Hi Suzie
It is so hard after six months to feel like ALL of this A mess in the past... Our WS's need to establish trust and respect by being unfailingly honest, and genuine in deeds and in who they are..to do what it takes to show us that they aren't hiding another secret life somewhere...In my situation, after 1 and 1/2 years I still feel attached to my WH in many ways, but he has yet to gain my respect and trust...I would be feeling more love, respect and attraction for him if he wasn't still playing the victim role, and instead, was remorseful for what he put me, our family, even himself thru, and and was doing everything in his power, even if it was difficult for him, to show that he intends to make up for what he did....Sooo, I'm thinking the recipe for putting betrayal in the past might be........1- time(years).......2- honesty.....3- sensitivity and lots and lots of remorseful and or caring actions from WS
Lisa
Suzie,
I totally agree with what everyone else has written. 6 months is really early in the process - I did not believe that when I was 6 months from D Day but from today's perspective, after over 2 and half years, I realize how long this is going to take and how hard it continues to be. There are ups and downs of mammoth scale, progress and relapses...I think you just have to keep at it because somewhere you know you want to. There have been many times that I thought of just giving up but something kept me there. I think that was love but I was so traumatized that I didn't know what I felt most of the time other than shock and pain.
I have often doubted my reasons for staying and wondered, like you, if I really did love this man or if I was afraid of being without him, afraid of losing. It is hard to come to terms with what happened and still feel love and respect.
All I know is that I love being with him, miss him when I'm not, am willing to work on this mess he created and I can respect him for the changes he has made in himself. I see him as two men - the cheating one that I hate and this rehabilitated man that I love. Easier for me to think of it that way.
I think that Blue Iris expressed it perfectly, as she so often does, when she wrote that you need "a cushion between then and now." The A's need to become part of your past. That is finally happening for me and it has taken a very long time.
I am not sure what conclusions you will come to after some time passes. But I do believe that it is too early to know. For now, you seem to want to be there...and that is maybe all you can know for now.
Thanks so much everyone for your advice. On reading through I think maybe I am trying to run before I can walk. Amazingly I find it difficult when H is so loving and so remorseful (although of course that is absolutely the way I want him to be)it just seems to highlight the fact that I am not feeling that way.
But I realise that 6 months is a very short time to get over a mammoth event such as this. I will read the post from Ami that Blue bumped up for me (thanks for that Blue) and keep posting.
Again thanks everyone you are all so insightful and your words have really helped.
