Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is o.k, o.k. as can be.

I haven't been here for ages. Some of you may remember me. I hope for many of you, life has gotten better. For the new people, I wish to say welcome and at the same time, that I am terribly terribly sorry that you are here. I am certain, many of us never bargained for this deal in life.

Not much new. I am still struggling with the school regarding my learning disabled son. This takes so much out of me, as does he.............sighhhh!

What is new, my mom is gravely ill with cancer. It started in Oct. with a pain to her arm. She has since had radiation to her lung, brain and now spine (for cancer). She is now hospitalized as she is unable to walk at all and is gravely gravely weak weighing in at about 68 lbs. This is a horrible way to see your Mom.

Lastly there is the person I am married to. He got someone to type me a letter telling me he "officially wants out of our marriage". How sad is that after everything he has put me through. I mean to have someone write a ten line sentence of goodbye for him. He couldn't even give it to me. So, he seemed so releaved to have this out in the open. Was ready to pack up and go. We sat down and told the kids. This was the absolute worst. Well, I guess he thought everything was a done deal. He wants the kids to remain in this house and wants me to stay home for a couple more years, then when I am like 46-48 years of age, head out looking for a new house and get a job. He wouldn't have to pay daycare costs then. In the meantime, he thought he could come and go from our home (current home) as he pleases, visiting with the kids every other weekend. I explained to him why this wouldn't work for me (in my heart,,,). He said, well this is how it is gonna be, so get use to my having my cake and eatting it to. His other proposal was that I leave the house and live elsewhere every second weekend. A) I really haven't anywhere else to go and B) Why should I?

I mean, his mom lives alone with three vacant bedrooms, three bathes, yet she doesn't want my kids there cause they fight (remember, my special needs son instigates ALOT). It would be too stressful on her. Like, being with my kids alone 12 days straight before I get a break from them is not going to be a huge stressor on me? I think they may send me out of my mind.

Any thoughts?

Thank you ever so much!

(((((LMW)))))

I am so sorry, but I couldn't possibly give you ideas how to direct your life. My thoughts spark from every corner, but come to no conclusions. I am so sorry for the way your life has taken direction.

So what can I say? My wish is for you to stay strong. To get help...either from a lawyer or therapist. My wish is for you to look far ahead to where a better, more peaceful life for you may lay.

At this point in your life, I would say you need to protect yourself and your sanity. You need professional help to protect your future.

LMW, I wish you better days ahead. I think your row might be hard to hoe, but eventually you will get to a better place.

Best wishes,

JJ

Oh Lonely, I am so sorry about your mother.. prayers and hugs are with you as you struggle thru her last days with you.

As for your STBXH, I think that your lawyer may be able to help you define what you need in your life.. with the help of medical records/DR evaluations you may be able to get some help for your son and you, built into the divorce decree.

keep us in the loop.. we can be here for you to vent to and we are good listeners.


(((Hugs)))


Pat

He wouldn't have to pay daycare costs then. In the meantime, he thought he could come and go from our home (current home) as he pleases, visiting with the kids every other weekend. I explained to him why this wouldn't work for me (in my heart,,,). He said, well this is how it is gonna be...


This paragraph made my blood boil.

I'm with Pat. Get a lawyer and try to find one of the pitbull variety.

-Susan

What your H said to you made my blood boil too....I hope you do find a lawyer of the pit bull variety, but who is somewhat easier on the wallet...Hugs... you are in my thoughts and prayers
Lisa

I wonder what a judge of the court would think of his proposal? I suspect that a judge of the court would want to make sure that your children, especially the special needs child was properly cared for at least until the 18th birthday. I suspect that a judge of the court would do whatever was in his power to make sure that the father of such a child met his responsiblities as far as means would allow.

I the end you can not directly control a person with these intentions. In addition, I doubt that you can trust such a man. When dealing with such untrustworthy people, I think it's best to have a mediator with the authority and power to make a fair decision and make it stick.

TomJ

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. Kindness and support.

I am going thru so much.....i.e. my special needs son is a challenge (he loves to stir up stress).
Then there is all the emotions of my moms cancer.

Lastly, the ending of my 25 years with this man. There is alot of feeling around that.

My main concern is surviing this and being able to provide for my kids finanancially,,,,.

My husband says I can hire whatever lawyer I want. He will do the same and there will be nothing left for the kids.

I don't want to do this. I can't do antoher fight. I can't have nothing left for my kids.

I feel so stuck. This insane arangement that he comes and goes as he pleases inorder to pay the bills and get some part time babysitting coverage (so I can get sanity breaks).

This is insane what he is putting me through after everything he has already put me through.

GOD..................HELP ME!

I do agree with Tom. You can still get a divorce and use a mediator instead of a lawyer. It is only a fraction of the cost. Please look into it, because as you said he is putting you in an impossible position and you have so much on your plate right now. Im so sorry for all that you are going through.


(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Please please everyone, please pray for me. I am so scared. I don't know how I am going to take care of my kids finanically.

Today, spouse left me another v/m saying he was staying out again tongiht.

Well, I had enough of not knowoing where he really goes, what he is really doing and with who. I packed up his bags and took them to his mom who has a very big unoccupied home (apart from herslef).

Well, not long after, his mom came home and found the clothes and freaked. I got a call from his sister ordering me to come back and get them, asking who the H--- do I think I am etc,,,. Spouse then called saying he was going to see a lawyer.

I know tomorrow he will return with all his clothes.

I tell you I am not up for this batttle. I am exhausted from the years of **** he has put me through, the stress of my special needs son and the worry for my palliative care mom.

I don't know what to do. Please someone help me.

God bless.

You and your family are in my prayers...((((((HUGS))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Dear Lonely,
Please, start getting your ducks in a row. If you can't afford a lawyer, go to a women's organization that can perhaps help you find legal advice. You need to know what your rights are. You need some people on your side that you can turn to for advice. Search out any organization, friend or family member that can be there for you and help you through this.

You can't keep letting your H bully you. That is why you need knowledge... to empower yourself and give you strength.
I know how overwhelming this step is, having divorced only 6 months ago.

After what you have said, it is time to take a stand for YOU and your family. Know that you are worth it and you deserve to be happy. Don't let anyone guilt you into any decision or pressure you. YOU make your own mind up and consult with whom ever you choose who is trustworthy.
Take care of yourself, find a way to move toward your goals, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly. But move, don't get frozen from intimidation.

Best of wishes to you and stay strong.
Diane.

LMW:

I'm glad to see you posting....wow....you have your hands full.
I just want to send you hugs sweetie...we are here for you

((((((((((((LMW))))))))))

Denise

"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"

Thank you everyone.

I feel so so so so so stressed out. The presence of him in this home is making me sick. I HATE THE MAN I MARRIED. He returned with his clothes and continues to state he will come and go as he pleases.

I can't find anything anywhere near where I live, that we could actually afford. There aren't even apartments anywhere near my sons school. I fought so hard to get him the help he needs in his school.
I couldn't live in apartment anyhow. We'd likely get the boot. My special needs son is VERY VERY VERY LOUD. He stresses and frustrates everyone.

I have no where to go. I have never felt so stuck in my life. There just appears everythign against me.

I feel helpless. Hopelss.

All I have is fear and stress and sadness and loneliness and more fear in my life.

I really REALLY NEED YOUR PRAYERS. No one seems to have the answers of friends/family.

All I hear is, you are really in a bad situation.
BAD DOESN'T CUT IT! It's a living nightmare.

Is it possible that you're living in an emotionally abusive situation, not just from your husband but his extended family as well? I believe your local governament might offer services for abused women, particularly counseling, that might be something you need. It might be even better if you have family members who are able to help you in this situation.

I can see how your situation seems overwhelming, and getting some help to get things in perspective might be the right step for you. It just seems like you've been pushed down so far by these people you've forgotten that you don't have to take this kind of treatment, and that you and your children have legally protected rights.

TomJ

Lonely,

I am thinking the same thing that Tom is ..there are govt agencies that do help with children's needs your local school should have an IDP? unit that will help your son, the local mental health office should have some help for you.

I am concerned that your H and his family are protecting your H and that is why no lawyer.. a lawyer will work to protect you and Lonely you need protection.. mediation is good if you are having an agreeable divorce..he walks away and pays you nothing and he sets the visitation ... tells you what you WILL do... You need the lawyer to be fighting for you so your son is protected and you get all you diserve.. not what your H says you will get..

Please talk to your sons DR and ask them to help you how to help your son.. Call the local UNITED WAY office they are in touch with all the agencies and may also have ideas for you too.

Please take a deep breath and make phone calls..


((((hugs)))


Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Thank you everyone for your moral support.

I just don't know what to do. I am under IMMENSE stress! Stress of kids, stress of marriage, stress of school, DID I SAY STRESS OF KIDS?! Stress of where I will live and how I will make ends meet.

GOD HELP ME!

I am sorry to hear about your troubles.
Where are you located?

In Ontario Canada.

I thought u were...i remember reading that a while back in a post.
I am in the GTA.
I have a son with Tourettes & ADHD.
I have a husband that cheated.

Maybe we could talk if you are local.

if you want to.

Take care

You're going to have "officially" file for divorce. His typing a statement saying he wants "out" isn't going to cut it. As long as that is all you have, he can, legally, have his cake and eat it too. I was in the same situation with a man who cheated on me, was emotionally and verbally abusive and refused to leave our home. I even offered to PAY him to leave. He stated basically that he'd come and go as he pleases and will never leave because his name was on the title of the house. He told ME to leave since I was so unhappy.

I was lucky (in a weird, sad and ironic way) to get him out through a restraining order since his verbal abuse eventually turned physical -- and I worry about you, since this is how many abusers start out. If he is not physically abusive, then you're just going to have to get a lawyer and mediator NOW and get this settled. I'll tell you right now, there isn't a judge in this land that would force a woman to live with her ex-husband once the divorce is final. Nor can a judge force you out of the house with no place to go, especially with children and extra especially with a special needs child. Legally, if both your names are on the title of the house, and there could be no agreement on who gets to stay in the home, the worst-case-scenario would be that the judge would force you and your husband to sell the home and split the profits evenly. Again, with your situation, that is highly unlikely to happen.

I can't stress this enough -- get a lawyer and get this taken care of. Prayers are fine, and I will pray for you, but in your case, you need to take some action. Otherwise, your husband is free to do whatever he wants and you suffer. I hate to see that happen.

((LMW)), you may not know it but this is an abusive situation. By now you will be used to your H getting what he wants and you will assume that if he says it then it will happen.

One year ago I assumed I had to leave the house and leave the kids with my wife. She said that was the way it would be if I wanted out of the relationship. One year on, my ex lives somewhere else (good lawyer, good luck and patience), the kida are with me. Somehow I got the strength inside to stand up for my kids and myself.

My mother also has cancer and may only have months to live. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find the strength to see your H for what he is, stand up to him and create your own reality in which he doesn't make the rules.

Good luck, Sam.

Lisa and Sam,

Your last messages freaked me out.

I have tried to sort this mess out for the longest time. Where would I go/live with half (half the money)? No mans land is what I could afford. Then he would never come around to help. I would have no help at all.

You can not understand the stress/exhaustion of my special needs child. I need breaks from him!!!

I just don't know what to do.

I feel like I am in a catch 22.

I don't know if this helps, but my library has a good selection of books on divorce, including "do it yourself" divorces. I suspect he isn't pursuing divorce b/c he can't be forced to pay child support if you're not separated or divorced. He's made it official in his mind by giving you the letter, but is avoiding making it official in the courts b/c that would cost him financially.

Read a few books about divorce and about finances in divorce. That way you have an idea of how things will work out for you financially if you end up divorced.

I'm sorry you don't have a lot of support and that you have to deal with this in addition to caring for your kids and your mom's condition. I can tell that's very hard on you.