Hi, I am new here.
I am posting because I do know I need to get things out. I know in the past it just helps to write things out to others who have been there emotionally before me. The pain I am in I am sure is very familiar to all of you.
About 3 weeks ago my bf of almost 2 years whom I live with told me he didn't know what he wanted, wanted to be alone etc. this all came after I confronted him and questioned him about some text's and phone calls on his phone.
I am 43 years old he is 46 years old, I felt like I was confronting a 8 year old! It was lie after lie, he couldn't keep up with his lies, his one consistency was he didn't know what he wanted but it had nothing to do with me.
He finally admitted that he had a "friend" from work just a friend, nothing else and they only had contact twice.
A few days after that he claimed he made the BIGGEST mistake is going to change, do everything it takes, saying he knows the pain I feel, which I highly doubt.
I am in a tailspin, I seriously don't know what to do, I love him, but the pain I feel is horrendous. One minute I feel like I could scratch is eyes out, the next I want him to hold me and make it all better. It hurts to be with him, and the thought of not having him in my life hurts. I know I can't possibly make a decision at this time with how I feel. I do feel I can't stay committed to him at this time. He is not commitment worthy in my eyes right now. I have had a difficult time sleeping, eating, I wake up after a few hours with thoughts of him and her talking, together etc.
I do love him that didn't change, but its so tarnished now. I have lost so much respect for him I can't see ever trusting him again.
He keeps saying he is going to make it up to me and do everything it takes, but i know he doesn't have a clue as to what that is.
The thing that really sucks is he works with this girl, he does most of his work outside and she is inside the office that's no consolation to me, It all feels sickening to me, even the mention of her name makes me feel knots in my stomach.
The fact that she knew he was in a committed relationship just makes me ill also,that and he must of made her feel so special and so important that she was worth it, what kind of character of a person is that???
he told her he was moving out we had problems etc. funny thing was I didn't know he was moving out! It's so hurtful that he felt she deserved to knew more about my life then I did!
He claims he only kissed her on the check once, and this hasn't gone on long, who knows? at this point his tongue would have to come notarized.
He told me it made him feel good, she was attractive, funny, he liked her personality, when he said those things it hurt to the core, in all fairness it was in response to me asking.
Where it stands now as of today is, He says he has to work on "himself" and keeps telling me all the horrible pain he is in. He is an alcoholic and hasn't drank in awhile but never attended AA or anything. Today he went to his first meeting and seems eager to address his issues.
Keeps saying how much it hurts him to see me like this. I kind of know in my heart he does not have the capability of getting it all at this point or being there for me and giving me what I need. I feel like he broke my knee with a baseball bat, and ya he feels bad, but he has to go off and fix how he feels about doing it, and If i am still around after that he will help fix my broken knee, I just feel so alone in my pain, I wanted him to be the one to help me stand again... not sure if that analogy makes any sense?
I know I am rambling please forgive me.
I am so sorry that you are going thru this. After reading your email, if this was me - I would end this relationship and get as far away from him as possible. I realize that sounds harsh, but there you go.
Sixteen months ago, my husband of 34 years told me that for all of our married life, he had been unfaithful. Yes, within months of our wedding - he was with another woman. All told, there were 5 - but that is not counting all the women he lusted after and hoped for an affair with.
We dated for 6 years before getting married. When i look back at our dating years - the handwriting was on the wall that he was going to be unfaithful in marriage - but i just refused to see it. I erroneously thought that "all's fair in love and war" and until i had that committment of marriage - then i had to accept his other relationships. He was actually dating another woman when he was engaged to me! How stupid was i??????
Looking back, i know that if i had known about the first affair, the second, the 3rd, then i would have ended this marriage. I would not have given him a second chance - why? Because if he cheated on me once, then why would i think that he woudn't do it again -and that is the question i am asking you. Do you really believe that he won't do this again? Despite the way he is acting now - can you say that you know that you know that you know he will never do this again?
My brother-in-law just ended his 3rd marriage. The 3rd wife was the woman he was cheating on when he was married to his 2nd wife. When the 3rd wife caught him cheating on her, she was shocked! She honestly believed that he was not going to cheat on her! Why would she think such a thing????
Again, Cindy, i understand the pain you are going thru and i am so sorry. But in my heart of hearts, i really feel that if you continue with this man, you are just opening yourself up to more heartache.
Fist off thank you very much for answer my post and giving me feedback, Thats exactly what I need is other peoples feedback, suggestions, understanding etc.
Also thank you for sharing your story with me, I am so sorry you have to be here also, wish we could have met on a site comparing our trips to maui with our wonderful signficant others,instead of having to be here.
Do I know if he would ever do this again? I can only answer honestly that I do not, how would I? I see a pattern of behavior with him that WILL of course continue until he gets some help, nothing will change, his words aren't going to make that happen as much as he would like to think they would.
I also know I am in the middle of a pile of ****, hurt and pain, and I can't possibly make a clear decision at this point right now. I do know I am not going to live like this. Sure his words of apologys, sorrow and regret feel comforting at times this past few weeks, but thats all they are is words
I think he needs to fix himself and get to the bottom line, before he can do anything else.
I know he can't handle mine pain and fix all this at the same time.
Not even sure I want that, Not sure what I want, I know i need to keep talking
Just wanted to say welcome to Healing Hearts.. I am so sorry that you had to find us..
I want to say that the A is NOT about you, it is all about your WBF.. he is the one who made the decision to actively persue the relationship with the OW..he is the one who needs help finding out why..
Right now all you can do is begin to take care of yourself.. put your needs in front of the BF's issues.. your relationship is not a long one in terms of time.. he may have fallen into the midlife issues of who am I and is this all there is for me.... the next is he is a cheater and always has been, now showing his true colors. or he just was weak and felt the attraction of the OW and acted on that feeling... the lying is all part and parcel of infidelity..they the WS.. WBF.. re write history..and it is a totally different spin on your life together.
Right now I would suggest that you wait a few months to see what you want to do.. you need time to process all the information, you have to watch his actions.. not listen to his words..his actions will speak loud and clearly what he is going to do.
You can heal from infidelity... heal the relationship, together, .. itis a slow process..
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on May 24, 2008 7:45 PM
My lastest update, Well BF went to his first AA meeting today so he says. HE comes home after the meeting and he tells me He can't handle all this and my pain and he would be lying to me if he said different. I told him I couldn't live like that, it was too painful and not fair, so we agreed we would have to figure something out living arrangement wise, I did see on his email tonight he sent an email to his aunt asking to borrow 1800, to move I suspect but who knows at this point. He deleted it, so I wouldn't see it.
Told me he loved me but couldn't be there for me and my pain it was too difficult for him to see me in pain and what he's done to me. Told me he was F'd up and needed to work on him. I was upset all day and spent most of the day crying, he apologized.
Later on in the day told me he did know my pain and recognized all the pain I was in all this past week and cryed saying how horrible he felt for me,stating over and over he knew my pain and he loved me, I was the best thing that ever happened to him etc.
After that conversation and alot of tears,he asked if I wanted to take a ride to get out of the house, we went to Denny's to eat, the whole time there he didn't say much, told me I looked nice,tried to make small talk and the whole ride home I was in alot of pain and he didn't say a word the whole ride home, but he did tell me earlier that he couldn't handle my pain so I expected nothing. We got home talked some, and I was crying I couldn't help it, he decided he was tired and went up to bed, I have known in my gut all week something was up and I told him so several times, he denied it over and over, but something just wasn't genuine all week on his part, each day it was getting more and more hurtful, and on friday he had no contact with me all day, which is unusual for him he usually texts me several times a day.
last weekend we went to a hotel to try and spend some time working things out, he was so genuine and we both just enjoyed each others company, then saturday night at dinner I questioned about the other woman and my fears about it all, and explained how it all made me feel and I wondered if he thought of her when he was with me, missed her etc.
He did NOTHING, he didn't answer me, he didn't deny it, he just turned his head and said nothing for 5 minutes or so, that was SO hurtful I felt like he kicked me in the stomach.
the next day we went home, he ignorned my pain all day and most of the drive home, I cried, he then said "i'm not ignoring you" I am just not good with words.
We got home went back to work Monday morning etc. and each day things got worse and worse, and I just knew in my gut things changed for him, but he denied it over and over, said I love you, I want to work it out, but his behavior was not of someone who was trying to work it out at all, not calling ignorning my pain, not talking, the first week after he got caught he was texting me hourly saying "i love you" sent roses to my work, told me he was going to be like an open window and really claimed he got it. Fast forward a few weeks and it all changed.
it all makes sense now, I know now my gut is right and to pay attention to it.
I couldn't help it but i looked in his cellphone tonight after he went to bed, and there it was again her number! I was shaking and sick to my stomach, I went up and confronted him, he of course lied, but then just said I talked to her, I couldn't stay in the house or even in the same room, I packed a few things and ran out not even knowing where i was going to go. I rode around until almost 3am, I was going to rent a hotel room for the night, but couldn't find one due to it being the holiday weekend, so I came home to see he had a few drinks for himself after doing so well not drinking, All I can think and feel is what a shame.
It hurts SO bad, I can't stop crying. I can't believe after all he has said over and over that he knew how much it hurt me and he knew how wrong it all was, that he goes and does it AGAIN, i suspect he never stopped. I wonder how long he has not been in love with me or if he ever loved me, how long have I been lied to and been in the dark? I don't know why he stayed to only do this again, and only attempt to do the right things for a week or so! why didn't he just leave me?? I guess for convience, he will say he wanted to work things out and save the relationship, when he knows damn well this isn't how you behave.
Its all so sad, how he ruined everything for us. And just bailed out and put her and himself before how I feel, he just can't tell himself NO and doesn't see the fantasy in it all, he just wants what "feels" good.
I know I will get through this in time but it just hurts to the core, to be so disrespected and so disposable, He is so messed up, he's a cheater and a liar and an alcholic and I stuck by him and loved him and gave him every opportunity to make things right I really wanted him to change and for this all to work and for him to be there for me and all the pain he created, but he's just gonna bail.
At this point I can only work through my pain and wish him well. I just wanted to post again to get it all out because I am all over the place emotionally.
Thanks Pat, I appreciate your response.
This message has been edited by Boston64 on May 25, 2008 6:56 AM This message has been edited by Boston64 on May 25, 2008 6:44 AM This message has been edited by Boston64 on May 25, 2008 6:43 AM
Infidelity does put your emotions all over the place.. often described as a roller coaster ride, highs and deep lows..
I am hoping that your BF moves out because his actions are hurting you.. he is all about himself.. the selfishness is showing he is only concerned about HIS feelings..he cannot handle your emotions.. he calls the OW because she says poor baby.. you are so brave. I feel so sorry that you have to go thru this breakup.. OW takes the guilt away..
As for his drinking he will blame you for falling off the wagon.. he isn't ready to own his own actions.
We are all here to help you thru the emotional rollercoaster ride..
There is lots of information on Helpful Hints leftside of page.. books to read.. articles.. One of my favorite sites is
Pat thanks so much, this site is a life line for me at this point.
Well I have been up all night I couldn't sleep, so when he got up, he was stomping around making coffee etc. did not acknowledge I was sitting there on the couch until about 20 minutes later, he seemed very angry/anxious.
He told me he drank and got drunk to fall asleep, cause he was crying about me leaving HE was in pain over what he had done, he didn't blame me for the drinking he told me none of this was my fault and he is to blame. See his pattern of behavior is to F-up,lie get caught,then apologize,He is always saying I accept responsiblity for what I have done, I get it now.
he told me he was going to a 9am AA meeting this morning and then had a bag packed with work stuff in it, and didn't know where he was going to go. He told me he wanted to assure me he was not running to anyone else and didn't want me to think that. Ya now why would I think that?
He claimed he was going to leave cause he knows he is hurting me by staying here, then he had a nice pity party for himself.
Then he says "I am leaving you got what you wanted" I was like huh?? I didn't want any of this! he then apologized and said that was mean of him to say that he was trying to take the blame off of himself and put it on me.
He is SO messed up I see that so clearly now, he has a problem with lying, he lies when its just as easy to tell the truth, he denies stuff when its right in front of his face. HE gets so defensive when he lies, He can't keep it all straight.
He keeps saying over and over how much pain HE is in.
What blows me away is he went on and on after he got caught the first time about how he got everything he had done, how he knew how much it all hurt, told me he was going to have NO contact with this girl at work and that he told her that, he said he knew how much anxiety and hurt that caused me. He was SO convincing for a week straight telling me everything I wanted to hear, saying all the right things. He was going to do EVERYTHING it takes to make it up to me, he knew all the error of his ways.
I asked him this morning before he left why he did this and what did he have to tell himself to make it all okay?? when he saw every night the pain I was in created by HIM and while he was sitting here comforting me at night blowing smoke up my butt, he was playing with her during the day.While he was making solom promises of I WILL NEVER HURT YOU LIKE THIS AGAIN, he was playing! who does this??? he is so self centered right now it amazes me.
he says "I dunno" then he tells me that it was SO hard on HIM seeing me like that everynight!, so he claims he got weak and the no contact went out the window, you are SO right about what you said concerning the OW and the dynamics of the sick relationship they started, what the hell kind of woman does that $HIT? I have no idea what they have done or not done together. I didn't ask I had heard enough. I am sure there is WAY more to the story to what has gone on with them.
IF thats what this skank needs to feel better about herself by comforting him at someone else's expense she knew all about me according to him he told her he was going to work it out with me, But i guess it way way to fun and powerful to give a **** about anyone else but themselves. I have two words of wisdom for her GOOD LUCK, you just won an Alcoholic lying cheater.
The messed up thing is, he choose and pleaded to stay here after he got caught, saying I WANT to deal with your pain. I can't for the life of me understand why??
He left to go to the meeting then I suppose he will come back to get his bag I see its still here.
I just want all this pain to go away, I know its just time, no simple fix
I think that is the hardest part, that torturing and blaming yourself, because you are in such a vulnerable position. I am also new here but I just wanted to say that I so can follow your pain.
And the only thing I can say that take some time before making any decisions.
As the stomach turns, I did get him out he went to a hotel, claimed this is what he wanted, he needed to work on "himself" told me to go on with my life, I deserved better, all that jazz.
Then he starts texting me first to tell me what hotel he is in and invites me over! I declined, he didn't like that, claimed he wanted to talk but in person, I told him big fat NO
Then the texting starts again, he says "lets move to alabama".. I am like HUH?? are you nuts?!! now mind you we live in oregon, I am from boston he is from alabama, so in his warped mind, he thinks all the problems go away with a move, he actually believes this, I remind him its ANOTHER quick fix and he needs help bad. I wish him well on his journey..
then the texts start AGAIN
MISS YOU, love you, this isn't what I want, I only want you yada yada yada, I am not seeing the girl anymore.. well low and behold, he admits he is drinking big suprise there, and in his drunken stupor he texts ME with a message that is obviously suppose to be to HER. It says "I will,but not here" probably because the hotel is around the corner from my house. OF course he denies this, lies over and over, I gave up and stopped answering him, then to get me to still stay engaged in conversation, he admits that he was talking with her DUH??? , and that she wanted him to go to her house instead of the hotel, and was mad at him cause he wouldn't. How sweet the new couple is already arguing. How messed up is this??? then he repeats over and over, He would always do the same thing, I am not doing anything meaning like right that second, loves to play word games, he likes to gloss over the fact he has done anything at all.
I AM SO SO glad he is finally out, now I have to not react or answer his calls, thats hard for me, I keep wavering back and forth, I get angry then weepy, I am all over the board. Part of me wants to know what hes doing and wants closure, and wants my needs met, I can see the past few weeks, I was trying SO hard for him to understand how I felt and what I needed, I actually had to fight for it! then he would go back and forth and provide comfort and I would get encouraged, well the reason it all was bull**** was because he was still talking with her, and works 10 hours a day with her. I was SO tempted to call her tonight, not to fight with her but to see if she would be willing to fill the peices in for me and answer some questions, then I thought what am i nuts?? she's a liar like him. and all the info would do is hurt me, and then what i get to say i caught him in MORE lies..
I am so used to having to play detective, sick isn't it? but i am getting better.
I got a call from an old friend and got invited to a big bbq at a local park tomorrow, so I am looking forward to getting out of this house. I am gonna push myself to socialize.
Then he all night long texts me leaves me a voice mail saying goodnight while drunk, wants to know what I am doing why I am not answering! I feel I am not obligated to answer any questions, he gave that right up. I want to move on, it's not gonna be easy, but being such an ******* past few nights makes it easier, it really just blows me away how messed up he has become, he's in a hotel drunk texting his GF and OW at same time, then is whining he has no where to go after he checks out of hotel, and he promises he WILL not go to her.. YAAAA sure! At this point I don't care, she can have him, I am almost positive he will go to her and tell himself he HAD to, cause he had no where to go with such short notice, maybe if he does he will stop bothering me, but sick as he is with no help, he will continue to persue me while there behind her back!
getting to bed, I am mentally exhausted, tomorrow is a new day, And I am going to try to stay strong and not answer him.
I am in Oregon too and your story seems to be a bit of a de ja vue for me. Similar, yet different. My H always found the OW's through work. He either worked directly with them or they were associated with his work. I hate the fact that even after I knew the sorted details he still left every day to go to work where "they" were.
Many hugs and I am so sorry you are going through this.
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Thanks Coral, what part of Oregon are you in? I am in Eugene area, in a little town called Junction City.
My day today was okay,I did go to the bbq picnic, I wavered with my emotions on and off most of the day. ya all know that feeling of lonelyness even being with a crowd of people, watching couples old hands ect. I felt alot of saddness.
Although while I was there, I got to meet some new people and one guy asked me if I would like to go for a ride sometime on his new harley, made me feel good. I have no intentions of dating anyone at this point I am a mess.
BF texted me all day on and off, with "i Miss you's" and I love you, where are you? "wanna meet?" I am going to do the right thing and get help..etc.
I finally just put my phone on silence. But its so hard.
I haven't been sleeping well at all and just feel SO tired I think I am gonna call in sick tomorrow and just take a mental day and stay on the couch and just chill.
I am actually in Gresham - just outside of Portland. We were down in Eugene in November though - my son had surgery down there at Sacred Heart with a specialist. I like Eugene - my sister went to U of O, so we are certainly a "Duck" family.
I recall taking many sick days during the turmoil times. Sometimes you just don't want to be with people. I told no one at work what was happening (my choice) so it was really hard being there, putting on the fake smile and getting through the day.
I had to laugh when you mentioned the guy on the Harley inviting you for a ride. My X prior to my H lives down in that area and is a Harley man. I miss riding with him. It is addictive and we had a lot of fun together. If you get the chance to go for a ride - DO!
Take it easy - take care of you.
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind
This message has been edited by CoralV on May 27, 2008 11:21 AM This message has been edited by CoralV on May 27, 2008 11:20 AM
thanks for the message
I know Gresham, my x before this boyfriend used to work up in that area.
Speaking of harleys, my BF well I should say ex just bought a brand new one and picked it up today, he brought it by to show it too me, very hard to be happy for him. He is having such a mid-life crisis, then he informs me NO other woman will ever be on the back of the harley..all I can think is Hello?? did you cheat, leave me and we broke up??? ahh its all so hard! he keeps saying he is "working on himself"
I did end up taking the day off and spent the whole day in bed.
A few girls at work know my situation so that does help alittle.
tired. getting to sleep
My H is an alcoholic and I have learned a lot about the disease. Lying is a way of life and feelings of "grandiosity/rules don't apply to me" are very common. Read what you can about alcoholism - it is very destructive and ruins lives - of the alcoholic and the people who love them.
In my case, H was actively alcoholic for about 8 years, during which time he had several A's, all different (EA, ONS, PA) And, often, he just wanted to get drunk with someone who would admire him over their martinis.
He hit rock bottom on D Day when I told him I was leaving. Then he found an addictions counselor and went to AA (still goes once a week). He hasn't had a drink in almost 3 years. I can't believe what I put up with during those years. He must stay sober or I will leave.
Today, our M is stronger than it has ever been but it would have been impossible to get here if he was still drinking. Also, alcoholism is progressive - it will get worse as time goes on. I watched that happen.
I know how hard it is to love someone with alcohol issues but you can't fix him and you can't let him destroy and hurt you. Would you consider going to Alanon? I found it really helpful in teaching me that I couldn't solve his problems and needed to work on myself and leave him to take care of his own messes.
I am sorry if I don't sound hopeful and it could be that I am just reacting to my history with H's alcoholism. I wish I had gotten out or he had gotten help much earlier ...I have terrible regrets and shame about what I put up with.
My heart goes out to you...betrayal and drinking, often related, are so shattering. I am sorry you are dealing with both.
Maybe I missed it and I apologize - how long have you and this current BF been together? Can I also ask how old you guys are? I sometimes wonder if my H and my age difference played a part. He is 6 years younger than me. I never really thought that it played a part till much later - he was a 10 yr USMC. Retired in 2004. I always kind of thought that made him older - the experience.... Sheesh, I was wrong. : )
Hope you are feeling a bit better.
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
First of all, you have found a good place here and you will find solid support. People will share their experiences with you and it all helps you to get your bearings and start making decisions. It is an unfortunate thing that when you are blindsided and in the midst of emotional turmoil it is very hard to make decisions.
Your partner 'doesnt know what he wants'. If I were you, at least remove one option... the option that he can have both till he makes up his mind. In the power game he has it all (so he thinks) and you must retain some for yourself.
I totally relate to where you are, and it is one of the most painful experiences you can go through in life. It is horrendous, but you can get though this. The person you would ;normally turn to in times of trouble is the source of the pain and it sucks! Stay strong... you are a caring and wonderful human being.
Reading these posts is like reading my life! I am so glad I found this wonderful place for strength in sharing, knowing you're not alone.
I went from a 30 yr marriage of in and out of treament for alcoholism to 12 years of sobriety. Then he left me to rescue another addict, his life has not been good since, he tells our kids this is his punishment for what he had put me thorugh and wishes he could take it all back.
Now I'm going through it again with pain pill addcition and all the red flags were there but I felt trapped as this man had 6 back surgeries in the 6 yrs we were together. He threatened suicide numerous times and I'm afraid to say that I learned that has been part of his manipulation with me and his EW. I spoke to her and she said aounds exactly like what she went through herself. He painted a ugly picture of her and how he was the victim. I've learned so many thing about his past that I know I have to get out. He has 25 yrs alcohol free but the addictive behavior is all right there. They can not see beyond their own needs.
I'm starting C again as I know I need the strentgh and support. It's so easy to fall back to wanting to "believe" and the comfort and familiarty of my home. I moved out in March and have been living with my son and his family. It hasn't been easy as I miss my home (next, I'll be moving in with my 88 yr old parents). The house is on the market and I'm paying half the mortgage and go from threats of not paying to caving in and paying. I'm seeking legal advise now as well. He bulit the house in 94 and I moved in went on title when we refinanced. He took a line of credit for dental work in Mexico and didn't tell me he also bought a "Harley", That's what started all of this. I had told him before that no more loans and he would have to save for the bike. He decide to choose the bike and now regrets it.
I want to thank all of you for your posts, they help so, so much.
Hi all I haven't posted for awhile but I read here a lot, matter of fact every time I have a trigger or frustration this is the first place I come, so sometimes its several times daily.
I am just about 5 months past all this mess that was brought into my life by his bad choices. Unfortunately he chose to lie about it all over and over and break promises over and over in the beginning. We did separate for a short time and then I did decide I would try and reconcile he claimed that what was what he wanted, I think he maybe started to see what life was going to be like without me in it. He promised me the moon and stars claimed he "got it". He has a drinking problem and hasn't drank since he reconciled which I am very proud of him.
I will say he is trying really hard and is very geniune, but I can see he doesn't really know what to do and resorts back to what he always does with his problems is ignore it and hope it goes away, He hates confrontation and avoids it at any cost. Matter of fact that is one of the things that hurts the most was when he got caught and confronted and finally admitted half truths, initially he bailed did NOT want to deal with my pain and hurt over it all, and left me when I needed him the most. I cried myself to sleep for days I was a mess and just abandoned with my pain that HE created while he was off still playing with the phone and picking out a new harley!(another trigger he is clueless about). How he thinks at this point "sorry" "shouldn't have done that" "I was a jerk" makes up for that kind of hurt and betrayal is beyond me. Him playing around was horrible and painful, but the worst was how he handled it after and all the LIES!
I have explained many times how I feel what his choices did to me and this relationship regarding trust ect. How important it is to me, for him to have total disclosure, honesty and patience. He doesn't get how ANY lie brings me smack back to day ONE and how painful that is.
He keeps saying he is willing to do whatever it takes and keeps repeating "I am trying". One of the most painful things for me was this was someone he worked with and he continued to work there until just last week. He told me once in the beginning of getting back together he never saw her talked to her anymore and that was it, for months after he never mentioned a word about her, that really ate away at me how he did nothing to ease my anxiety of it all, of him going there daily for 8 hours a day. I needed to be told if she looked in his direction. I needed HIM to bring it up and tell me every detail of the "nothing" until I felt better about it and I didn't need the reassurance, but he disappointed me terribly in this area, and really showed me he didn't "get it" like he says he did, didn't have a clue has to how painful that was for me daily. Every so often when triggered or in pain, I would bring it up for him to say "I told you that's over, I don't even see her or talk to her". OKay maybe he knew that, but how did I? cause he said so?
He recently left the job about a week ago claiming he realized and it was time for him to move on, I know that the job was too much for him physically and he wasn't happy there, and of course to say finally after he obtained a new job "oh yeah and it was hard on you" I felt that was a slap in the face cause it was hard on me for the last 5 months! now make no mistake I am glad he is out of there, but again really doesn't get it or get why I was upset. I guess I was suppose to be overjoyed.
I am still struggling on a daily basis, although I feel he doesn't see it clearly as he should. Somedays I have an overwhelming feeling of love by him and other days I feel triggered and misunderstood. He is more than willing to never bring this all up again, he assumes many times things are "going well" and how happy he is and I am sure doesn't want to bring it up cause it will all just go away magically.
I recently had some serious thoughts of leaving this relationship for good. Although I want to be sure because If I leave I am going to go home back to Boston 3000 miles away and not look back. It's such a hard decision to make.
One of the main reasons is the trust factor, I don't want to be in a relationship where there is never going to be any trust. I do realize it takes time and effort on both our parts. My fear like everyone's is that this would happen again. I think the chances are really good if he doesn't dig down deep very fast, about why he allowed this to happen and why he made a choice to do what he did, this WILL happen again. I don't believe he really see's that. I think he thinks oh well, I made a "mistake" "I was stupid" so be it, life goes on, and then the rest is lip service.
I know he has some issues that need to be dealt with or it will happen again all the promises in the world are not going to prevent it. What he did had NOTHING to do with me or this relationship, it had something to do with HIM, something lacking in HIM. He did recently make a call to see a psychiatrist for impulsive behaviors, I feel he needs a counselor that specializes in infidelity, patterns of lying and plain and simple AA.
The reality is I still have so much pain and triggers, I don't think he intentionally ignores them, I think he truly just doesn't get it. It's almost like he needs a friggin handbook. And of course I get so resentful with HOW could you not know that all these things hurt me how would YOU feel?? It's all so frustrating because I didn't create this mess or pain, why should I have to tell him step by step, I feel if it was anything else he would learn and he would learn fast, I know he goes on the computer and checks sports scores and reads about other things that interest him, why can't he say to himself, look I don't know what to do for her, or for this relationship so maybe I should learn! cause I care what happens, I think he thinks he has all the time in the world.
Someday's I am so exhausted from it all, I feel I can't get through to him and frankly I shouldn't have to and I am not going to anymore at this point. It's his job to get it if he values this relationship and love's me like he says he does. At times he will see I am quiet or in pain, and simply say "what's the matter"? and I feel like screaming are you F'ing kidding me what the hell do you think is the matter!? and then he will just say "I Love you" and lets talk, but unfortunately he means YOU talk I will listen and then insert his key phrases. I don't feel like he ever goes into any detail it's just blanket statements of "I love you" "I do get it" "I am working on it" and his favorite of "sorry".
I am tired of all the thinking, all the images (another thing he doesn't get),tired of trying to get him to talk I mean really talk, tired of the fighting,tired of wondering what the truth really is. Tired of that feeling of "is that her" when at a red light, or in a store, tired of wondering if he is thinking of her or is more attracted to her then me, or misses her but felt he had to do the "right thing". I have even thought of it all while being intimate wondering if he thinks of her. Tired of wondering exactly what she meant to him for him to ruin all we had. I feel the longer it's all ignored by him the longer these unresolved feelings go on. And at this point I am not willing to live like this anymore, I shouldn't have to, I feel I gave him a GIFT,a gift he certainly didn't earn or deserve, of letting him earn his way back into my life and my heart to make all the wrongs right.
I am Tired of him not truly not seeing the struggle in me that HE created, he says he does yet he doesn't know what to do. I don't bring a lot of this up anymore, because I just ended up feeling more frustrated, because I didn't feel I was getting what I needed. I wanted to feel better after and feel we moved a step forward, I mean a lot of these feelings come up and smack me in the head. A lot of nights I can't sleep because my mind starts going. I do know its going to take time, A LOT of time and a lot of effort and patience on his part. That as many times as I need to ask something is as many times he should be willing to answer until I feel better.
I am all over the place, sometimes I feel I need space and need a break emotionally and don't want him around cause I am angry at him, and other times I want to be right by his side.
There are so many triggers! I mean just seeing him with his cell phone sometimes sets me off, especially texting cause they had a blast with their disgusting texting! he would just say to that "oh you can have my phone", but that's not what I mean at all, I know he needs a phone I need him to have a phone to get in touch with him.I deserve to be texted during the day for me to know he is thinking of me, He doesn't get that part, I needed him to acknowledge right then and there "hey I have to text so and so are you okay with it cause I know it must cause you pain, or ask how I feel about it, do ANYTHING except ignoring it all!. Or certain phrases I never want to hear again, or when something comes up about betrayal in a show or with people, or with people lying,not such saying "oh that must be hard for you" there are SO many things. The motorcycle is beautiful I enjoy riding on it, but I know he doesn't get why that triggers me I have dropped hints and of course he never comes out and asks or has a grasp on why, He loves that bike.
I just recently had it brought to my attention more then 2 different couples at work, one a married guy I work with left his wife of 20 years for a woman I work with,we were just had their house for a bbq last month! and another two that were messing around that work for me and it really triggered me hard, and brought back alot of pain.
He sat and listened and saw me wrestling with frustration, anger and pain about how infuriated I was that he left his wife and the next day was walking around this facility holding hands, while his wife is home hurting,I of course went on and on but he never said a word, stared at me and changed the subject.Again wanted to continue to "enjoy" the day, then questions whats wrong when I fall silent for hours, When he says nothing to stuff like that it brings me back to the silence on a weekend we went away to bandon when I questioned him about "her". One of my most painful memories.
Never ONCE did he say wow this must be hard for you, or lets talk about what I did and how you feel, cause your triggered right now, all it does is cause MORE pain.I feel he gets these opportunities over and over placed in front of him to make it better, make us closer.. but he can't do it.
We were away at a hotel a few weekends ago, when I found out about the other two that work for me and I got a call from an employee and he didn't want me to ruin the weekend because we were enjoying ourselves, his first response was please don't make this about me, why are you angry with me? I was again FLOORED, all I could do was cry and think to myself this man does not even come close to getting it, and if he doesn't get this, he will never change and this will all happen again for sure without a doubt, although after he saw me crying he thought about it, he did say lets talk about it, but he doesn't know what to say, just sorry, so nothing ever gets accomplished. I just try to open a dialogue with him after we got home, about love and how hard it is for me to believe he loves me the right way, and I explained WHY i feel that way and how I have to move on in time. Which saddens me.
Its triggers, triggers everywhere!
If I go through the phone and he made or recieved a call he didn't tell me about or talked to someone or I see a number I dont regonize that triggers me, I feel he should for a period of time tell me EVERYTHING,Take time at the end of his day and tell me everything in detail, I shouldn't have to ask! and I know in time they will lessen but for God sakes I need his help! He keeps saying I want to do anything it takes, yet he's not really doing anything, he gets lazy with it all, once he feels comfortable that I am not leaving or going anywhere.
I need SO much more from him for this to work and work right in a healthy way, I need for him to get his ass over to the open board and start posting, learning, asking and figuring it all out, His pattern is he will do that, but he NEVER follows through with anything or sticks to it, he needs to get his ass to AA and get a counselor, reading two pages of a recovery book a night ain't cutting it for me or his "talks" of "sorry", "i love you" He needs to get real! reality is the bottom line is.., he doesn't have to do anything at all, but he doesn't get to keep me in his life.
I know he has a willingness to make it work, now its times for him to SH*T or get off the pot, cause I am burnt out and tired of banging my head up against the wall, and I got one foot out the door for real this time, I wanted to feel better at this point 5 months later or at least encouraged, but I feel worse and the amazing thing is he seems more in love then ever and keeps saying how happy he is!.I will say I see alot of positive changes in him that I am very proud of, I just need so much more for this to work out and for us to move forward, what I am getting right now isn't good enough or fair.
Basically I just needed to vent and ramble as I found myself up another night. It does help for me to put it all out there, I need to do that more often.
Thanks for letting me share, any advice, comments or encouragement is welcome
This message has been edited by Boston64 on Oct 3, 2008 6:38 AM
I think you know that everything you are feeling is justified 100 million/trillion times over. You should feel this way, there is nothing wrong with you.
I think you also know the simple truth is that he doesn’t get it, and has no concept of what getting it is to you. He has made this about himself, just as the affair was about himself. It is about how it effects him. He feels for your pain, I think he really does, as they all do, but he can’t handle it, and doesn’t want to have to. I am sure he regrets what he did, but delving into it too deeply makes him feel bad and he gets a glimpse of the consequences to you and everything else. That glimpse terrifies him and he does all he can to minimize the effect on himself, because it is still about him.
If I go through the phone and he made a call he didn't tell me about that triggers me, I feel he should for a period of time tell me EVERYTHING, I shouldn't have to ask! and I know in time they will lessen but for God sakes I need his help! I need SO much more from him for this to work and work right in a healthy way, I need for him to get his ass over to the open board and start learning and asking and figuring it all out, get his ass to AA and get a counselor, reading two pages of a recovery book a night ain't cutting it for me or his "talks" of sorry, i love you I know he has a willingness to make it work, now its times for him to **** or get off the pot,
Of course you do, and you have very right in the world to expect this. I know you want it to come from him, but if you want to try these things they just might help a bit.
1. Go to
www.aftertheaffair.net and download this book for him to read. Don’t read it yourself, it is for him only. If it were me, I would want to watch him read it for more than a couple hours a night.
2. Go to
www.retrouvaille.org and schedule a w/e to go. I recommend this very highly. My H and I went about 11 months out from D-day and I found it invaluable for learning good communication skills. Communication is far more than talking.
I think you are well within your rights to leave, although I understand fully why you hang on hopeing. My suggestion to you is to decide for yourself what your time limit and boundaries are. Make it about you, not him. What do you need, by what time, and the consequences for getting not just some of them but all of them. When that time comes you have to be willing to enact those consequences. Boundaries are all about the person making them. We can only make boundaries for ourself. Your H has to make his own boundaries you cannot make them for him. It just doesn't work that way, and is extremely frustrating when we try and fail.
Thanks for your respond, I appreciate it.
I am working on my boundries ALOT and thinking about them alot lately.
I do know if and when I did leave this relationship I can say I did all I could to try and make it work and that I gave him every opportunity to do so. I wouldn't be making a decision based on impulse or anger like it was 5 months ago.
Well he did end up posting on the open board after he saw my post here, so I guess that is a small step in the right direction. Of course not trusting him I am never sure of his motivations. I know he always wants the easy way out and will do what he has to get what he wants, its always temporary though. I do hope he gets the support and direction from there that he needs. HIs usual pattern is to drop anything he starts once he feels a false sense of security or entitlement.
My hope for him is that he "gets it" and does it fast, because I am tired of sitting on the side lines and taking a back seat with my emotions. I am no longer willing to do that. I can't fix him and I know that, nor should I. I am not willing to be Co-dependant any longer with constantly trying to fix and explain.
He does have a huge problem communicating and unable to give me what I really need emotionally especially after creating all this mess.
We talked alot today although I didn't end up feeling better, I got more frustrated and I guess thats just where I am at. I know I probably frustrate him very much also because he wants to be beleived SO bad, I have tried over and over to explain how this is NOT possible for me right now and the reasons why, but for right now it is what it is.
At the start of the day today, he did tell me "I read your all your posts" and I also posted. And I thought to myself well good maybe some of these triggers and how I feel are going to be addressed, maybe seeing it in writing he will "get it" or get how I feel so frustrated with him or why I am so hurt. How I am not getting what I need from him.
Then HOURS go by of him doing the same thing, just sitting and staring, and the only thing he had to say is "I really do love you" or that explained to me where he was at with doing the laundry. I got upset and got really mad and explained why I was mad and disappointed and that I was tired of him sitting and staring at me! he said "I been trying to talk" what do you want to "talk about" All I can always think is HUH?!! After that we did talk some, but I dont feel it was productive and I guess I feel that way cause I dont feel better at all.
I did stop him each time he started with his bulls**t phrases that he repeats OVER AND OVER that trigger the SH*T out of me. And he didn't address anything specific that I wrote in my post he never gets into detail of any situation, he generalizes everything, so oh well, for now I am tired of explaining.
I realize its going to take time, but I need something more for right now then I am getting.
There are times I am encouraged, but something seems to always bring me back to being discouraged and usually its a trigger of some kind and then him sitting back doing nothing. I am extremly sensitive right now and he seems to understand that little by little. Its like have a terrible burn that is so sensitive to the slightest touch.
I do hope he will not drop the ball and get lazy, I will say one boundry of mine is that I WILL NOT continue this relationship in this capacity, I expect him to always be trying and always to be working on some type of recovery, Of course I know he is human and not perfect and will backslide with certain things, but I will NOT allow lying including word games or lying by omission,dishonesty,infidility in ANY form, or drinking, to be one of those things. I will not accept any of that, I will take it to mean he does not value me or this relationship and I will move on without hesitation.
I just hate my life is in this mess right now and resent I have to deal with all of this, somedays it just F'ing pisses me off, and I guess today was one of those days
This message has been edited by Boston64 on Oct 4, 2008 4:08 AM This message has been edited by Boston64 on Oct 4, 2008 4:03 AM This message has been edited by Boston64 on Oct 4, 2008 3:27 AM
I just hate my life is in this mess right now and resent I have to deal with all of this, somedays it just F'ing pisses me off, and I guess today was one of those days
I remember a time when I kept thinking, “I want my life back.” I felt as if my life, and indeed it had, been stolen from me and I missed it very much. I was so incredibly weary of the daily grind of dealing with his huge lack of judgment and commitment and the consequences to me. It so often seemed as if I suffered so much more than he did, which gulled me to no end, because it was his choice that put us in this mess. And round and round that thought process went. I can tell you that it does end. I have my life back, I am me again. Yes, infidelity has left its unavoidable mark/scar on me, but I am healed.
No matter what he does, your healing is your responsibility, he cannot do that for you. I often had to remind myself of that unfair reality. Healing the relationship, or at least making a foundation for which it can begin, is his responsibility, but as I know you know, you both have to work hard to make it work.
Of course I know he is human and not perfect and will backslide with certain things, but I will NOT allow lying including word games or lying by omission, dishonesty, infidelity in ANY form, or drinking, to be one of those things. I will not accept any of that, I will take it to mean he does not value me or this relationship and I will move on without hesitation.
As you should not. I remember telling my husband that this was his life, and he had every right in the world to live it as he pleased. What he needed to keep in mind was that I had a life also and that I was making a choice not to have a man in my life that drank or used drugs and that lied. That he had no right to take my rights away in his desire to live his life his way. If he wanted the life of drinking and drugging, which was his right, then he owed me the truth to end us right that minute. I also made that choice and vow to myself that if he was unable to change, that I was most likely going to have to be the one to end the relationship. He has had his setbacks through our recovery, but he has also had an amazing amount of growth. So I choose not to end us.
Yes, it is important to know within you that you did everything you could to save the relationship. Please keep in mind though, that giving him a 2nd chance after infidelity is above and beyond doing everything you can. If you walk away, you should do so with a clear conscience. You may or may not be a big fan of Dr. Laura, or you may not even know who she is, but she once said, “There are 3 A’s that give a person the right to leave a relationship, Abuse, Addictions, and Affairs.” I happen to strongly agree with this statement. You have suffered through both an Affair and Addictions, which in themselves are a type of Abuse. Keep that in mind
This message has been edited by Amistandingstill on Oct 4, 2008 8:41 AM
<<Yes, it is important to know within you that you did everything you could to save the relationship. Please keep in mind though, that giving him a 2nd chance after infidelity is above and beyond doing everything you can. If you walk away, you should do so with a clear conscience. You may or may not be a big fan of Dr. Laura, or you may not even know who she is, but she once said, “There are 3 A’s that give a person the right to leave a relationship, Abuse, Addictions, and Affairs.” I happen to strongly agree with this statement. You have suffered through both an Affair and Addictions, which in themselves are a type of Abuse. Keep that in mind>>
I agree with Ami. Just sending ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) and healing wishes your way.
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
He is having such a mid-life crisis, then he informs me NO other woman will ever be on the back of the harley..all I can think is Hello?? did you cheat, leave me and we broke up???
My H bought a beautiful bike as part of his mid-life crisis. We loved it. I enjoyed shopping for 'accessories' but all that came to a sudden end when I find out that OW was invited to ride on the back, in my seat, wearing my coat, my gloves, my helmet. (bleeeeech!)
The bike's been sold on Craig's List -
You've gotten some great advice and I feel for your situation and your trauma. To add my take on your situation I say guard your heart and be careful. You are dealing with an affair, alcohol, lies and a mid life crisis. No matter what direction you choose, you've got a long road. Be cautious.