I'm here because I've feel like there's nowhere else to turn. It's been almost a year since D-day and it's now almost 3 weeks
since she attempted suicide for the 2nd time. She's OK for all I know, she's left the state and gone home to her folks after she recovered.
I'm shattered. I truly wish she had ended my life in my sleep rather than do this. I can't move forward, I feel like just curling up in a ball and
dying. I put my all into this relationship to make it work - (it is/was my 2nd marriage) and now I've failed. I know in my head that she chose to cheat, that she could have said: "it's over, I want to leave" w/o doing this to me, but she never had the guts to do anything.
I wish I had the wherewithal to just end this suffering, but my faith won't let me... but I've been drowning on my own for so long now,
and I'm not feeling very supported. I can't even break down and just cry this out - it just won't come. There were too many nights spent alone crying my eyes out. I feel bottled up and quite frankly, I pray that the heart disease I have will release me.
Father's Day spent alone has practically finished it for me. My X has spent that last 12 years poisoning my children's minds, and my WS departure has only set their opinions in concrete. So I've not only suddenly lost a spouse, but my children and grandchildren too.
A friend says they'll be back, perhaps too late..? The depression is killing. I never believed she could be so conniving(sp?). As I see what has unfolded, I have been set up, and I walked right in: fat, dumb, and concerned for her health and well being. Men are stupid... some of us love our wives w/o holding anything back - and we get beaten down and stomped on in return - and then held out as the bad guy. This is one guy ready to give up on everything as a result. I have or will loose everything thanks to one screwed up woman.
Thanks for listening. If you believe, please pray for me...
I read your post with a lot of empathy for your situation. I understand the pain of betrayal, and I even understand a bit of what you've experienced after the affair came to light. It's shattering and traumatic when someone we love so deeply returns our love with betrayal and deliberate attempts to undermine us. It's horrible that a person who has pledged life long love to us turns around and acts in such unloving ways toward us.
It can shake a person to their foundations. We want to escape from the horror in anyway possible, and even death becomes a welcome respite.
Of course, the falicy in that line of thought is that we are assuming that nothing is going to change for the better. We believe that the way things are now are how they will be forever. Ironically this is also why we are so shocked in the first place, because we believed that nothing could change in our relationship with our spouse. Of course, as we undeniable saw it all change before our eyes, were we utterly speechless as our stomachs jumped into our throats and panic overcame us.
I think one very helpful skill that we can develop in the aftermath of all this is to find the positives and places where we can put our hope in the future. Sometimes faith plays a very big role in that process. At the same time, the process of recovering your "old-self" is a process that does happen over time. For me, today many aspects of myself have been restored and even improved from what they were prior to the affair. There are a few things that might not ever return to what they were, but I don't grieve them very much at this point.
As far as the damged relationships with your children, it might help to take comfort in knowing that your perserverence will eventually win the day, and that these relationships will probably be restored. If there are any offenses to them for which you need to make amends, then I encourage you to do what is right and make those amends.
I hope that you find a place of solice, comfort, and support. This site can play a role in that, as it fills a gap than many people experience in dealing with infidelity. I hope that you find some help here.
I am sorry you are depressed, broken-hearted, and suffering so. I wish there was something I could say that would help, but I know right now there is nothing anyone can say or do to ease your're pain. Everyone says time is the answer...
There is nothing wrong with loving someone with all you have. I too have loved my WH with all that I am. That doesnt change who he is. A's are not about what is lacking in the BS or that the Bs did not love or give enough, therfore you have no failed, she has. The A is all about the WS and what is lacking in them...they are usually selfish and not giving....they only TAKE. They made their choices...unfortunately it is the BS who suffers for it. Obviously your WW has some serious issues if she has attempted suicide, which have nothing to do with you. She needs to deal with those issues or she will never be in a healthy relationship. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
Im so sorry ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Sorry about your situation tomcat. I had a similar story to yours 2 years ago. People said it would get better with time.
Well guess what, it did. Get your life back, don't accept responsibility and try not to get bitter. Cry if you can, cry buckets. There is a hell of a lot of good on the other side though I know you can't see it right now.
"I'm here because I've feel like there's nowhere else to turn."
This is a good place for that. We're all here because we have been where you are. And, we can help.
"I'm shattered. I truly wish she had ended my life in my sleep rather than do this. I can't move forward, I
feel like just curling up in a ball and dying. I put my all into this relationship to make it work -
(it is/was my 2nd marriage) and now I've failed..."
No, you haven't; it's your wife that has failed, though I know it doesn't feel that way right now. It's not
a failure to love and put everything into a marriage. The failure comes when the other person doesn't act
in the right way, and, it's THEIR failure, not yours. When I felt this way myself, I figured out what I really meant was, I've done everything I could have done, and I haven't got what I expected or wanted come back to me. The only failure on my part was failure of expectations. There is no failure on your part. There IS the outcome that you didn't want or expect: Your W took your love and spurned it, basically. That's the thing to feel shattered about, and rightly you should.
"I feel bottled up..."
I think this is our mind & body's response to something that is just too big and awful to grieve for just then.
Being frozen is sometimes better than being anguished. You will get through this bit. Don't beat yourself up
for not being ready to react the way you think you 'should'.
"A friend says [your children will] be back..."
Yep, they most likely will, they too will have a lot of adjusting to do, and right now they are probably
shellshocked too. Most people in their position can see right from wrong. If they don't, in the end, it is
their loss...so long as you are doing your best, the rest is up to them to figure out. I know only too well
the fear of spouses' poisoned words turning loved ones against you, your fear is part of your reaction to the whole situation and probably being fuelled by it in a big way. You just are not in a place to deal rationally with that now either.
"Men are stupid..."
Huh, well, so are women, if it comes to that, anyone can get stuck the way you have been, I and many others have looked back over years and decades and wondered how we were so blind, so dumb, so caring, so loving, as to 'let' this happen to us.
Mine too was my 2nd marriage, and I have often reflected that if I'd tried so hard in marriage no. 1 then I wouldn't have been in the position I was of being stiffed in marriage no. 2...hindsight is a great thing. I have worked very hard on seeing the past four years as useful lessons, not a waste of 14 years of 2nd marriage..
mate, you will too come to this in time.
For now, look after yourself; make sure you eat and sleep as best you can, talk to anyone who can help you, post here at HH. You sound like someone who thinks of other people first and always before yourself, well, the first thing to work on right now is changing that..look out for yourself now.
This IS a bad time, and, you CAN get through it. We are here.
I want to say Thank You to all who have posted and those who have read and said a prayer...
The night I posted was about the lowest I've been so far, and your responses have helped,
if in no other way that I'm not alone in my agony. I am feeling somewhat improved, though it scares me to say
that for i know I'll be down again. Just the same, You all have gone a long way in rebuilding my faith in people.
For when I was at my lowest, complete strangers tended to me and did not leave me for dead.
A better example of good samaritans I can't think of.
I just want to say that when you are feeling down please post.. or visit the chat room.. post that you just need to talk.. on the Open Board there is also a chat room and usually some one will join you if you post..
I pray that your days will get better. Keep communications open with your children and call them.. attend your grandchildrens sports events.. plan a day at a zoo with oldest ones.. be there for them volunteer to babysit.. You can turn your childrens minds around..
Take care,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
