Hi to everyone

It's been a couple of months or so since I last came in here. No particular reason-just trying to make sense of life as it is now.

Well, we have had a few changes. We DID sell our taxi business to someone else in the end. OW was still calling several times a day before we handed it over and I just could not accept it any longer. Both H and I felt that we needed to stop her last remaining entry into our home (for those that might not know-we ran a taxi business from our home so just changing our number was not really a viable option). We sold it to one of the guys that used to work for us before the A blew the business apart so the buyer knew the personal circumstances. He is a really nice guy and I knew that he would never reveal our new number to anyone trying to find out.

H now works from taxi ranks and from any jobs given to him by other taxi drivers that need helping out, although he did give his personal mobile number to a few select customers that he has managed to keep. My, how things have changed. This time last year we ran a very busy, solid business with 2 drivers working for us........now H is a solo driver scratching around for jobs like a chicken scratches for worms.

I decided to give up taxi driving. I have found part-time work cooking and shopping etc for a 92 year old widower in the next town. It suits me well because I am no longer happy to be in the public eye. I was tired of abuse from OW or her family every time I was out in my cab. It was so hard for me to get a job-I felt crippled by the fear of leaving my home so this was a big step for me.

With reference to our debts (as a result of the fallout from the A), we are in the throes of getting National Debtline to set up a debt plan whereby we pay them a set amount per month (according to our limited means) which THEY then pay to our creditors. This means that the creditors will no longer be able to hassle us which is good because I am not strong enough to deal with it. The creditors can only make contact through National Debtline. But we still face years of paying back our debts.

H is trying very hard to maintain contact with me. He has to work late at the weekends because that is when he can make the best money as a cabbie. He knows I hate it but he texts me and rings me at regular intervals just to keep in touch.

I have good days. But I also have bad days. The bad days still leave me floundering with pain and a deep sense of loss for what was. Sometimes when I cry, H is there. I sometimes say things like 'why did you hurt me?' as I cry, with big fat tears pouring down my face. I don't expect an answer-it's more a release of my agony. But when it happens I see the pain on HIS face. He will get tears in his eyes and I know that he suffers as he sees my pain.
Those are the times that he whispers 'I'm so sorry' to me as he holds me in his arms.

It's a long rocky road and (as my title says), I wish there was a shortcut. I sometimes wish I was like a computer and could be re-formatted so that I could erase the bad stuff from my mind. I have my faults but H knew that I was sensitive, loving and intensely loyal to those I care about...so this betrayal runs deep in my soul.

I loved this man and would have died for him. When I say this to him, he picks up on my use of the past tense and says to me, 'what do you mean, loved?'. I cannot explain why I use the past tense except to say that I think I am referring to the time BEFORE the A, if that makes any sense. It probably will to you guys but doesn't at all to H. He becomes insecure and thinks it means that I don't love him NOW. I do but it's different. I am cautious of him, wary. He has hurt me more than I've ever been hurt in my life so I feel differently. He cannot grasp this concept and says that we will eventually get back to what we had with time and love. Maybe.

But I fear him because I know he is capable of betrayal and lies. He says that he has has his fingers burnt by the A too because not only did he almost lose me (I did intend to leave him 2 months after D-Day) but our son was stabbed as a direct result of the A. We have all suffered because OW would not stop stalking us. So he insists that he will NEVER repeat such a mistake again because he loves me, our sons and our lives together. And yes, logically it would seem that way, given what has happened to us all. But those fears of mine can't just be quietened. I still feel irrational at times, frightened and insecure. How I wish I could feel the way I did BEFORE the Affair-comfortable, secure and relaxed.

Thank you for listening. We are all prisoners of our pain because we cared and loved. I didn't deserve this. And neither did any of you.

Hi,

I just want to echo Ami's words..

I am so sorry that you have had so many turns in your life because of your H's A with the crazy woman..

The fears you have are fears that all of us have experienced..we all went thru the insecure period and every so often somerthing can trigger those feelings again.. the good news is that fears do die down and are not so extreme as time passes and you begin to see that your H is doing all he can to show you thru his actions that he is there for you and helping you to recover from this ordeal.

(((((hugs))))

Pat








"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I'm glad that your husband is taking responsiblity for the pain he's caused. I believe that's a major factor in the reconcilation of the marraige. When the wayward spouse is determined to help mend the damage they've caused, the hope of real reconcilation seems high.

His affair has cost him so much... not only in it's impact on his relationship with you, but his entire family, the threat it brought to his son's life, his livelihood. I'd hope he learned the pain it brings, not only because the behavoir the OW brought to bear into his family was so extreme, but more importantly because HE betrayed his marraige to you. Let us hope that he doesn't have any thoughts that somehow things would have been different if it had been a different OW. I suspect that he has no such delusions.

We all go through that period of rebuilding trust in our spouse. The actions that he has taken through your are good and it also sounds like you too are working in a healthy way to work through your trauma, grief and loss.

TomJ

You wrote "We are all prisoners of our pain because we cared and loved. I didn't deserve this. And neither did any of you."

How true - but here we are. I wish somehow I could have gotten your points across to my WW. But she has chosen to leave.

I don't know if we could've made a [permanent] go of it, but I was willing. Maybe I'm just a masochist. But the pain of loneliness
is killing.

"How I wish I could feel the way I did BEFORE the Affair-comfortable, secure and relaxed. "

I'd let someone take a piece out of my brain to stop this hurt. In my head, I have faith that it will get better.
But my heart hurts so much, it doesn't want to believe that; it just wants the pain to stop, no matter the cost.

It's been almost a year since D-day and tomorrow is a month since she's gone...

TomcatPZ

Thank you for your replies. I have written an update on my situation in a new posting titled, 'She hasn't given up..'.

Tom catz, I really feel your pain, you have written it so clearly and my heart goes out to you. I wish you healing....