Here's my debacle. I don't expect anyone to solve it, but opinions can help me sort things out.
If you read my post "Alone again..." I'm in the soup, but good. My WW has left, effectively for parts unknown.
She attempted suicide for the 2nd time just prior to her departure. [She's physically OK] It's a mess.
Most advice I get is to just divorce her, especially after the A, and the years of lies, etc.
Problem is; 1. I love her. and 2. I have a real ethical dilemna. If I was physically ill, I would expect her to stand by me
{even though she has left), it seems plain to me she perhaps has serious mental health issues - and filing for divorce
under these circumstances is unethical at best.
Don't get me wrong - I love my wife. If she showed up at my door tonight, I'd take her back - with the explicit understanding
that she had to get help - even inpatient, if necessary. I'd give up whatever I have left to salvage my marriage, but I 'm just
hoping against hope, I'm afraid.
Every time the phone rings at odd times, I'm scared it's her folks calling to say she's finally succeeded, and it's killing me.
I'd venture to guess that your advisors who encourage you to just get a D (like that would end the pain in your heart) have NEVER been involved with an unfaithful partner. I've never seen anyone on HH give this advice - ever. We all understand your attachment, your dreams, your pain. We understand your willingness - your insistance - to want to make things "right."
Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it does not.
I think most of us here would advise, do nothing permanent, EXCEPT to take care of yourself. Eat well. Sleep well. Seek professional help/counseling. You will be better prepared to meet any future challenges by taking care of yourself right now.
The other advice I would add is to remember, YOU are not in control of ANYTHING but YOU. That is important to keep foremost in your mind. Your W chose to have an A - YOU were not a part of it. Your W chose attempting suicide - YOU were not a part of that either. Adopting this advice could soothe your anxiety a bit.
Your W has some serious issues to confront. I hope she is taking care of herself right now, too. It sounds like she's been in a lot of pain recently.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I admire your commitment to the pledge you made at the time of your wedding. Many people abandon those pledges in these circumstances because the integrity of most people to stand behind their word is less than what you desire to do. [Correction: Those who choose divorce after infidelity do NOT lack integrity. In my opinion, this is a reasonable action in light of such a basic violation of a marriage. However, your desire to keep your commitment in the face of adultery shows a level of self-sacrific and commitment that is above and beyond the call of most people's understanding of marraige. - TomJ]
I agree that, framed in the boundaries you have set, that this is a difficult situation. On one had you've committed to stand by your wife through this difficult time, even while she is bent on self-destruction and marital destruction. A lot of times when an individual is on a destructive path, they take their loved ones down with them, which I believe is your other concern.
Surely you don't want her illness to become your illness. As a parallel, while you'd want to care for her, if she had an incurable and contagious biological illness, then I'm sure you'd at least take precautions to reduce the chance of contracting the disease yourself. It might mean that you don't provide direct care for her, but leave that to those who are better equipped to deal with treating a patient who is carrying such a dangerous disease while you offer emotional support through appropriate visitation.
I think that this is true in this situation as well. If your wife is truly mentally ill (as you suspect), then you'd be wise to get a professional diagnosis and treatment, and take measures to protect yourself from this illness while taking care of her in the process. It might meant that qualified professionals provide her care while you offer emotional support.
I think it would be helpful to consider other scenarios that would test your thinking on this subject. For example, if she were abusive and life threatening to you, how would you deal with that? If the behavior was persistent and she didn't respond to treatment and help, then how would you care for her? In addition, if the behavior was selective (only directed at you) would you still consider it an illness, or is it something more personal?
Also, it can help to consider the source of your desire to honor this commitment. If it is based on your religious views, then you might seek counseling with a religious leader who can help you apply the teachings of your faith to this situation.
TomJ
This message has been edited by tomj76 on Jun 27, 2008 12:57 PM
You are an honor able man, but your wife broke your marriage vows. She has the one who has been dishonorable. I have had the same issue. An addiction is also considered a disease. I thought like you, I made a vow, through sickness and in health...so this is a sickness, I should stay. The problem with MY line of thinking is that the vows have been broken by my WH not me, so I am still committed to keeping them. Why? I told this to my IC. My IC said "When you make vows the vows are between the two people. Once ONE of you breaks those vows THE VOWS ARE BROKEN! It takes two to mantain those vows...it must be reciprocal. Once your Wh broke those vows you are no longer morally obligated(not necessarily religously) to honor them." I know everyone may not agree with that, but you have to do what is best for you. YOUR WIFE broke those vows, therefor they no longer exist and you are not obligated to stay with her because of them, unless you choose to. You can stay if you want to stay, and I would never tell anyone to leave their spouse, but the vows have been broken and are not an excuse to stay any longer. Stay because you want to stay, not because you have to stay. Take care of YOU. Do what is best for you. You are only responsible for your behavior, not hers. Don't take on stuff that isn't yours. She needs to deal with her own issues.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This may or may not help. I am fully aware now that my wife had mental health issues. I also now know they were present before we married, which I did not know then.
This means not only could the marriage not have survived, but also that it was not really "valid" in the first place, since she was probably not of sound mind to make the marriage commitment.
I feel no guilt in divorcing now, since it could never be.
Good luck, and look after yourself first and foremost, Sam.
I was in the same boat you were a few years ago with my (now) ex-h. His personality drastically changed over the course of a few years I think mainly due to a neurological disorder he had and effects of the numerous medicines he took to treat them (one even listed "temporary psychosis" as a possible side effect)
I remember a time when he totaled my car due to having a seizure behind the wheel. He wasn't supposed to be driving. He was driving an hour away to see yet another woman he met on the Internet. I said to myself "That's it. It's over."
Then he tried to kill himself in the hospital after the accident by swallowing nearly all of his pills, so then he wound up in a mental institution for two weeks. I felt the same way you did. I promised "in sickness and in health." What could I do if his "sickness" was mental illness. If he had cancer, I wouldn't divorce him, so how could I do this.
Like you, I loved him and I kept hoping for the person I married to "return to me." I struggled to make it work for another year and a half and eventually I had to just give up and let him go. He was never going to change and all he was doing was making me miserable.
Eventually he became dangerous and physically abused me. I had to call the police and get a restraining order against him. It was the saddest time of my life. I mourn the loss of my marriage and the loss of the man I onced loved. But that man is long, long gone and that may be the case with your wife. But one thing I know is certain -- I did everything I could to save my marriage. My conscience is clear.
Make an honest effort with your wife, if things don't change then you can take steps to end the marriage if you feel you must. You did everthing you could and you should not feel guilty about it.
Take care.
This message has been edited by hometowngirl on Jun 30, 2008 3:36 PM
