Hi all, I used to post pretty often during the first year after dday, since then its only been off and on, but the last time I was on was a long time ago.
Anyway just wanted to give a bit of an update, and also seek a little advice from some of the long timers here that are farther along than I am from d-day.
To give a very brief summary of my situation, my wife started her affair only 3 months after we got married, though we had been together for almost 10 years before that. To this day, I dont know why she did it, she was never really sorry about it, and the affair never ended. Finally I had enough and got divorced, this was about 3 years ago. Like everyone who went through something like this, I went for a ride on the rollercoaster of emotion for about a year and a half before I started to feel any better. At this point, I dont think about it much anymore, and the pain is pretty much gone, at least in a direct kind of way. However the aftermath has left what feels like total chaos to me. Having gone from being sure of my future with this woman, planning children, having a house, etc to not being sure of where I'll be tomorrow. In other words, with her I felt complete, I had a plan for life, and I was happy. Now I feel alone to the point of feeling completely isolated, regardless of how many people I see and talk to, having children once felt like a plan for the immediate future, now I wonder if it will ever happen, and the once happy and carefree person that enjoyed life every day has been all but erased. I am still the same person I was, I am still happy in a lot of ways, but the part of me that was carefree, always seeing the best in everyone, trusting etc. is dead. I have to be honest, the world seems to be a lot darker of a place to me now, I dont trust as easily as I used to and I went from thinking that everyone is generally good to finding it almost laughable that I ever felt that way.
I know that sounds really depressing and pessimistic, I guess maybe it is. I dont know what to make of who I am now and how I see the world. Part of me is sad that the days where I felt so carefree seem like a distant faded memory. Another part of me feels like I learned a lesson about life that I needed to learn, and I'm probably much stronger for it. All I can say for sure is that I dont like where I am now. I see friends almost every day, I go out and have fun, I play guitar, I read, I try to learn and better myself every day. Yet through it all, I feel utterly alone, as though there were no one on this planet but me. No matter how busy I am or how much fun I'm having I feel completly useless and lost, I just want to run away to a new place and somehow start all over.
I know to feel this way after an affair is probably pretty normal, and I know that regardless of what happens I will keep moving on no matter what. But I'm very bitter, I have to admit it. My Ex and I got together when I was barely 20, I'll be 30 in just a few days. She admitted to me that she loved OM from the moment she met him, which was years ago, but he was already taken so I was basically the next best thing. As soon as he was single she started an affair. I cant believe I didnt see this the whole time we were together, that I had no idea whatsoever this was going on. Even in hindsight I cant think of any warning signs or anything strange. All I remember is her being crazy about me and wanting to be with me all the time, and constantly having fun and laughing with eachother. Now its all tainted because I know none of it was real, the whole time she really wanted to be with someone else. I'm mad because I feel like she stole my 20's from me, I'll never get them back. A lot of people try to tell me the lessons learned from this was worth it and they will make me stronger going forward. But what lessons did I really learn? That you can think you know someone and years later find out you really didnt know them at all? That there are people out there that have no problem destroying you if it meets their selfish needs, and not only that but you will never see it coming because they are able to hide it for years at a time? I cant think of anything positive that came from this other than maybe I saw that I can go through more pain emotionally than I ever thought possible and not have a total breakdown, that I would somehow move on and keep going. I guess in a way that is good to know, I dont doubt that I am strong, but quite frankly that is a lesson I could have done without.
I'm so sorry to all of you going through this, I dont mean to bring negativity here. I dont have all bad things to say, I'm just having a bad night. I can at least say that I thought this was going to destroy me but it hasnt and its not going to. I dont miss her at all anymore and I wouldnt take her back in any situation, the healing over her is complete. The healing over what she represented however is not, I guess that is going to take longer.
First, let me thank you for saying what I'm feeling so succintly, because frankly I've been at a loss for
the right words of late. Today is D-Day+1 for me, and about 6 weeks since she left under terrible circumstances.
Yours words have hit the precise chord for me, (no pun intended) as I feel she deceived me for so long, without
any compunction. I simply was a vehicle for her needs at that point in her life and I feel used and abused for it.
I had always been someone who generally saw the good in people. Now I'm genuinely scared of a new relationship.
To have been so utterly scammed, or whichever term you wish to insert, is a feeling I can't fully describe. Violated doesn't
begin to cover it. I loved so deeply and so innocently and to have it used in this way - well, if I was of a different character,
it would have been the end.
I sincerely hope that you find true happiness and someone that will prove to be true and allow your original character
to re-emerge.
First off, I certainly understand your feeling bitter and disillusioned. Your W ripped your heart into tiny shreds and then mopped the floor with you. How could you NOT hurt? So don't think you are bringing negativity here. You are just expressing your pain in a safe place.
Second, please remember that WS very often rewrite history to justify their behavior. It is entirely possible that the times you spent with your wife when you were happy, laughing and couldn't bear to be apart meant just as much to her as they did to you, but because she very likely rewrote history to justify her awful behavior, she will say she wasn't happy. Remember that A are ALL about selfishness and immaturity. What could be more immature than not taking responsibility for one's behavior and lying?
I very much understand your pain. I don't think any BS can look at life the way we did prior to the A. I used to believe in romance and enjoyed reading the occasional romance novel because they were happy and made me think of the happiness I felt with my H when we fell in love. I don't think I believe in romance any longer, and I almost NEVER read a book with romance as the central plot because now I associate romance with lying and cheating, i.e. I feel that my H made a much greater effort to romance the OW during their 4 1/3 years long A than he ever did with me during our (now 24) years together. It is very difficult not to feel jaded.
The thing about feeling bitter is that my perspective is when you permit bitterness to rule your life, you are letting your XW's choices control your emotions. Did she do possible the most horrific thing to you that anyone will do to you in the course of your lifetime? Very likely, but you have to choice to reclaim your emotions and not permit her past behaviors to determine your present and future happiness. It is up to you to tell yourself that she had MAJOR problems and because of her problems, she was able to give herself permission to cheat and lie. You can refuse to give in to the pain her actions caused. I know it takes time, but the longer you juggle her proverbial hot potatoes, the longer you will spend feeling bitter and angry, instead of realizing that you don't need to waste any more of your precious time or emotions on someone so screwed up, so remorseless, so LOST.
Of course you wish that she could have and would have seen the pain she caused you, been remorseful and chosen to work on your marriage. The hard truth is that she didn't. Remember that the only person we can control is ourselves. My IC said we can't change the past, but we can change how we look at it. So you can look at the past, and be glad you didn't spend anymore time on a woman so totally lost in the fog.
Just because she left you for OM doesn't mean that they are happy or that they will stay together.
If you haven't seen a doctor to be checked for depression, I suggest you do so. If you haven't been to IC (or not in a while), I suggest you do that, too. Take care of YOU! Protect and love your inner child. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, and as long as you permit her past actions to continue to wound you in the present, you will not heal.
Good luck, sorry you are hurting still, and just my fairy cents' worth,
>>>...the part of me that was carefree, always seeing the best in everyone, trusting etc. is dead. I have to be honest, the world seems to be a lot darker of a place to me now, I dont trust as easily as I used to and I went from thinking that everyone is generally good to finding it almost laughable that I ever felt that way.<<<
I so identify with what you have written. I can't offer you any words of wisdom because I am a long way further behind you on this long and rocky road (my D-Day was August 2007).
But I do know how an A changes a person's outlook on life. I can't trust anyone at all now. I have people around me but I mostly feel lonely. I rattle around in my own head trying to work out things that make no sense to me whatsoever.
When the person you loved and trusted most in the world betrays you, how on earth do you trust anyone at all ever again? It kinda locks me in my own head.
I wish you fulfilment in your future relationship/s and I hope you will find the peace you deserve.
I'm about 90% sure that either your ex-wife or her OM/BF will someday have the need to find an affair recovery site someday.
FF said it well. Don't believe her re-written version of history. After all, she's proven herself to be a liar in other matters, so you can't trust what she is saying about her pent up desires.
While there is a truth in the idea that we can't ever fully trust people and your cynicism is somewhat justified, you can rise above those feelings. You have much of your life ahead of you and many possibilities to establish satisfying relationships. Don't waste anymore time, take control and work to find happiness.
I'm really new to this website and this is my first response.
My DDay was May 23, 2008. So, 7 weeks ago. I have not posted my story yet. I don't know if I have the energy right now. I am still married (for now) but it does not feel promising.
Anyhow, I just wanted to tell you that I cried while reading your email. I am so bummed for you and I feel so horrible that this has happened to you. And that you still feel so much pain and unhappiness. It makes me think that I will probably be feeling that way as well. I don't think the shock of my H's A has worn off yet.
You absolutely will meet someone. You are so young and have so much love to give to the right person. Please do not lose hope. There are so many wonderful people, women, in this world who will treat you with respect, love and honesty.
My mom had an affair on my dad and is still with her A partner. I can say, from an outsider's perspective, that she is not all too happy. But I think she feels too old (64) to go out and find someone else. My dad is now happily remarried to a woman who's EXH had an A as well.
Good things absolutely do happen and I believe you will perservere.
I, too, am feeling as if I have to let go of my dreams of the future. I am 34 with a darling 11 month old son. I never in a million years thought my H would cheat on me. Now I don't think I know who he is and it frightens me.
But, I do know, at least I tell myself, that I deserve to be treated right and I deserve to be happy. And that I will be whether I work this out with my husband or I move on with someone else.
Please feel the same about yourself.
With love,
kimmyboo
I am also new here and I must also say that I cried when I read your post because I can so relate to your feelings. My DDay was 1 1/2 years ago and my WH is now living with the OW (but we are still married on paper). I cant give any advice, since I am in the middle of the emotional rollercoster myself. I am fighting every day with the same feelings and I am so scared for the future that will not be the future that we planned together. I know also that they rewrite history to make them feel better because I either have no hint why WH choosed to have the affair. We were so happy together and had just been married for two years. My WH has not shown so much remorse, and I think that is the worst feeling to be left with. I try hard, really hard, to take care of me and to be positive, but so many days those terrible feelings comes sneaking up on you.
I can just say that I know what you are going through.
Hi everyone, I read all the responses and just wanted to say thank you. I am feeling a bit better, though everything I said still rings true to me, its not bringing me down quite as much today as it has been. Reading all of your responses really helped, not only the advice but hearing from others that are also hurting, reminds me that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I wish I was, I wish no one else had to ever feel this way, but I'm glad to know that there are others who understand.
I often wondered, especially after DDay, what the answer to end all this suffering must be. I think now I've come to the conclusion that the only thing that stops the pain is the passage of time. There are no secrets, no ways to really speed up the healing, its just allowing enough time to pass for your soul to heal and for your mind to finally become clear again. I've come a long way and the pain I deal with now isnt much compared to what it was like right after DDay. Though I am frustrated that 3 years later I'm still dealing with this almost on a daily basis, I can see the progress over time and it reminds me that this will end someday, I wont hurt like this forever.
To all of you early in the healing stages just try to remember that, remember that time will heal these wounds, all you have to do, a lot of times all you can do, is be patient and take care of yourself. God bless.
