Hi Everyone, brand new to HH. My story is a doozie. I recently discovered that my wife was having an affair. Some background, my wife and I have known each other since we were 4. The OM was one of my best friend's whom we both knew since grade 2. Both our wives grew up in the same neighbourhood and were also friends, but not as close as the three of us. We've been married for 13 years, and similar to the other couple. Both families have 3 young children that have got together and played with each other often.
My marriage has had its tough times in the last 2 years. We've struggled with seeing things eye to eye on finances, kids, etc and have grown apart with lack of real communication. I am the working spouse and struggle keeping us afloat. My wife chose to be a stay at home mom, which is great for the kids development. The kids are now 11, 9, and 6 so she's done a fabulous job.
The OM is now retired since selling his business, but his wife works.
This past March break both families minus his wife went to Myrtle Beach on a vacation, and we hung around together at the same villa (different rooms). We had a lot of fun with the kids. I thought the week was fabulous, and took my son golfing with me twice. My wife and I were passionate that week and all was great, or so I thought.
After we got back, she and the OM began spending part of the days together chatting, having coffee and talking. My wife confided in him about the problems in our marriage which really upsets me because he had no business hearing this. Some of the issues we were experience was my time away from her with work and golf, and her feeling of shouldering the family load. My wife is from a close-knit family with 2 sisters and 3 brothers and her parents that are minutes away from us. She had tonnes of supporting people to talk to and chose this person. I still don't know why.
As the meetings were going on, the OM and I are golfing buddies and would play regularly every Thursdays. He had ample time to tell me as a friend about what he heard, and suggest help. To make matters worse, he did things under the guise of friendship to further add more time away from my wife. He was playing both ends against the middle.
My wife has said, that this friendship grew into an emotional dependency because he was spending time with her, listening to her and treating her well. He was pushing for more contact time with her and beginning to push the physical aspect - hugs and kisses initially as a friend and eventually more.
When the affair broke due to an itercepted text message by his wife. This came out. Initially, they tried to tell us this was an emotional relationship with no physical. After talking with my wife, she broke down and told me the truth. This guy, my friend really pushed her into having sex including in his house, his van and worst of all, in a hotel room when both I and his wife were out of town. They stayed the night and slept together like man and wife.
Now that the truth is out, I have spoken to the other wife and cross-checked the stories and details with her. What the OM is feeding her is a self-preserving story how my wife hooked him emotionally into the affair. This has really upset my wife because she knows what really went on, and who really pushed for what.
It has now been just over 3 wks since the affair broke and I am struggling with a range of emotions. I love my wife and I am committed to her and making this into a new relationship that is better than ever.
I am numb some days, angry, hurt, exposed, lacking confidence and trust in her and myself, no appetite, can't sleep.
We are going through counselling, and some days are better than others. I really hate him, and wish him nothing but misery and unhappiness in his future. From what I know, his life is unchanged (minus the affair), and his wife hasn't really punished him. Shouldn't he be punished for what he did to us?
I just wanted to let you know that I read your story, and I do understand to the core what you are going through. Remember that you are not alone, and your feelings have been felt or are being felt by everyone here.
I does not really matter who pushed for the affair. The fault is even between your W and the OM. The plan simple fact is, that no matter what he did to push her, she had the choice to not allow it to happen. She wanted him to push her, so she would not be responsible. She is an adult and she has to own her fault minus what he did or didn't do. She betrayed your Vows, not the OM. He did betray your friendship though, and I know this just adds to the pain.
I want to let you know that you can heal and you can also heal your marriage. It is hard, and it is a long ordeal, but it can be done. My H and I are almost 7 years past our D-day, and we are very happy. The A no longer consumes my every thought, I can think of it without pain, and put it in the context of the past. It took me about 3 years to reach this point.
Welcome to HH. You are in the right place for support!
I can very much relate to your story, as one of my W's four OM was, at one time, a good friend who took advantage of our difficulties (with her compliance, of course).
Bear in mind that as time goes by, more and more of the backstory to the A will trickle out. It is emotionally challenging to separate lies and minimization from reality at times on this roller coaster. Trust your gut feelings. Read as much as you can about affair recovery, and look for signs of true remorse. Don't accept any responsibility for the A.
I, too, want to add my sad welcome. I'm so sorry that life has brought you here. But its a great site with tons of helpful, good-hearted people and sound advice.
I can hear in your story how you're trying to make sense of what your W did and you are looking at what your role was in that. This isn't something that happened because you were working too much or golfing too much. Marriages have trouble and not everyone opts to have an A. Please, please, please don't blame yourself. I'm not saying there weren't things you could have done to nurture your marriage, but this affair is not YOUR fault.
Please try and take care of yourself. Even when it seems impossible, make sure you are eating, taking vitamins, exercising if you can...or simply just getting fresh air. You're physically vulnerable when something this life-shattering happens.
As for hate for the OM and whether or not he should be punished, I completely understand. My DDay is almost 2 years ago and though my anger for the OW doesn't consume me, it is very much still alive in me. She, too, downplayed with her H the nature of the A...how long it lasted....and from what we could tell on our end, there weren't going to be a lot of ramifications for her in her household. However, I firmly believe to my core that there is punishment that will happen eventually...from history repeating itself....from a marriage damaged and not repaired...from the inner psyche of the WS. I wish infidelity were illegal so people could be jailed and brought into court, but that's not the system.
Again, I'm sorry to hear you've joined our sad little "club". But recovery is possible. Marriages can be saved. Even if your marriage dissolves over this, you can be happy again. In the meantime, we'll do all we can to help you as you find your way back onto your feet. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Welcome to the site. I hope you find support as you go through this ordeal. It sounds as if your wife wants to work on reconciliation, and that she has ended the affair. It also sounds like you've learned many of the details of the affair already. Thankfully your wife is not stonewalling you from gaining that information, because her willingness to be open will ultimately have a great impact on the chances of a successful recovery of your marriage.
It also sounds like you have been in significant contact with the OM's wife. I think that has helped you to this point, since you're able to check the stories you're getting. The fact that they are different might also be a good indication that your wife and the OM are not still in communication.
Many aspects of your story are familiar to me. The stay-at-home mom, the non-working OM who you know, the incremental escalation of the physicality in the relationship, the claims that he pressured her for the sex, etc.
I want to affirm what Ami wrote, that no matter if she felt pressured or whatever she claims short of rape, if she laid in a hotel room bed with him overnight then she was not there under duress. I spent a lot of time spinning my wheels (and loosing respect for my wife in the process) as she repeatedly claimed that the OM manipulated her into spending time and having sex with him. I think my wife was trying to find an 'excuse' for what she did and was trying to shift responsibility to the OM. While even in the affair my wife tried to end it, she would not take responsibility for ending it but instead tried to get the OM to end it.
At three weeks I had still much to learn about the affair, not to mention the recovery process. I want encourage you, because it sounds like your wife wants to work this out. I also want to caution you, because many times the affair continues after D-day.
It would be pretty normal if you found later that your wife has been withholding information from you. If there's anyway you can convince her to be totally open now to save the pain of additional D-days, I would tell you do it. However, how much truth is shared and when is ultimately up to her. In my case, my wife actually believed many of her own lies and I wasn't able to break through that until we examined the evidence of the affair in detail and saw how she promoted and contributed to it.
Welcome to the site no one wants to be at, but everyone is glad to have found.
Tom's story is, indeed, very similar yours, and even though the stories we all have may differ, the pain is the same. We understand the agony you are going through.
You wrote that you are going through counselling--is that MC or IC? If you are not in IC, I strongly urge you to get in IC because it can be a real lifesaver.
If you don't take away any other message from this thread today, take away the FACT that you are in NO way responsible for your wife's A. She had choices, and she choose to have an A. You were totally ignorant of her bad choices and given no opportunity to veto her action.
Huge comforting fairy hugs to you both and sorry you are hurting,
I also want to welcome you to the club no one wants to join.. You have found a wonderful place to come, we understand what you are experiencing and can be wonderful sounding boards ..
Right now is the time to put yourself first, you have been hurt in the most possibly worst way imaginable. your good friend and your wife.
You will be riding on a rollercoaster of emotions..please know that we are here to listen and console.. as all have said you are not in any way responsible for the A..
Take care of yourself,
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Just want to also say welcome. I am so sorry to hear your story. It's bad enough to have to go through the destruction of an affair, but when you added that the OM was a friend, it makes it that more complecated.