Thanks to those who responded to my previous posts, I still read here several times a day, sometimes it's so hard to gather my thoughts enough to even post.

I have settled down into what I can explain as a "flatness" feeling all week.
There has been no real recovery, talk of it and any real attention given to it, I am disappointed, but what can I do?
I can only handle my own recovery and my own emotions. I am working on accepting that, and the reality that this relationship is most likely not going to last in the long run if it continues how it is now.
It's painful to think about, so for right now I go day by day, knowing that at some point when it ends I will be emotionally ready to handle that. I know I did all I could and gave a lot of time and patience and "do overs" I do know I am NOT willing to live with things the way they are, I want and deserve so much more.

I struggle daily and it's a struggle you are all very familiar with.
Many of you responded to Greg and made so much sense with awesome thoughts, suggestions and advice.

If I am not crying, melting down, bitching, in his eye's things are going okay.

Several of you pointed out, he is very good at taking the first step, he has done it many many times over only to have no real follow through, which in turn continues the cycle and increases my pain and frustration with him. He should be working TRIPLE time trying to save this all, this week he has not mentioned a word about anything to do with this relationship, my pain, my posts, his posts, triggers not a damn thing! not even an email with his thoughts feelings on anything.
He has been cordial and pleasant for the most part, but Again he will do the minimum and expect something different and be so surprised things aren't "better" or he thought things were "going well". I know deep down he know's better and can do better. why he doesn't do anything, who knows, I suspect because he feels he doesn't have to, he gets what he wants in the end and it works for him, the crying stops for a week or two, we have sex, enjoy each others company etc. life goes on until my next meltdown. Of course I have the meltdown due to the pain, nothing changing. nothing getting addressed it all being ignored etc. cycle continues.....
problem is, it works for HIM and is easier for HIM to just take some $HIT here and there then to do the real work and make the real changes. but it doesn't work for me, not even close.
I haven't said anything I am burnt out with it all, and feel it's so unfair,niave and selfish, I mean how many times can I explain it all!?
I feel he know's very well what I need, how I feel and what needs to happen, I have put it out there OVER and OVER, and I am no longer willing to do that.

We had one conversation over the weekend and that was it, He explained he wants things to work, how sorry he is, he agreed to sell the bike which is a step in the right direction and an attempt to do the right thing. It's just words, and the way I see it, it's really pointless if he's not going to do much of anything else, although I appreciated that he wanted to do it and acknowledged how painful and a trigger it is to me.

We have been cordial to each other, at least I have tried to be, to keep the peace in the household. I am sick of fighting for what I need, or constantly trying to explain.
Seems the plan is to just "wait it out" until I get over it. If I don't bring it up, he doesn't bring it up. That's fine if that's his plan, That isn't going to work for me and the relationship for the longhaul.
I know it's not me and it's him that isn't giving it 100 %, not even close, he always says he is working on it, or I am trying, I am not sure what he is that is "trying" or working on it, I guess just taking that first step over and over.
I guess if he wants to choose this route then he also has to choose the consequences that the relationship won't last much longer. I mean sure we can get along and enjoy each others company at times, but I want more out of the relationship SO much more, I want true intimacy, I want trust or at least seeing him trying to earn it, I want his word to mean something to me, I want to be encouraged, I want to be proud of him someday for making so many wrongs right and that can only happen by him working on all this.
I spent so much time bending over backwards to try and make this work with giving chance after chance to get some recovery going, I am not willing to keep bending nor should I. I am no longer willing to be in pain and it gets ignored.
He is willing to stay in the dark and in denial with thinking he can do and say very little.
He keeps putting it up on a shelf and just goes with the moment thinking a conversation or two once in a blue moon when I bring it up is gonna cut it. It's hurtful and most importantly its plain and simply not fair.
He is not making this all the huge priority it should be right now.

((((((((((((((Ciny))))))))))))) Big hugs! EVERYTHING you wrote in your post is the same way it all went down for me and my WH. He kept thinking cause he did little things here and there, and I wasn't crying that day that everything was fine and good enough. He never did the work, even though he made steps in the right direction. He went to IC..."Look honey, I did what you asked". In IC he has done NOTHING! He chit chats with her and he doesnt do the work, because it is all for show! It is more about how things appear than how they really are. But not just how they appear to me...but how they appear to others, like his parents and family. And also how it makes him feel. It makes him feel good about himself to say "hey, I am sacraficing my precious time and going to counselling for Cal, and to save our marriage". Yes, that is how it appears, but that is not the reality of it. I suspect your WH is doing the same with the motorcycle. While a nice gesture, it is only meant to keep you hanging in there until he waits it out, and why not? He can get another motorcycle, and it is also how his gesture makes him appear to you and others. And HE will continue to do things when absolutely necessary until he thinks you should be over it. Then there comes the point for the WS who doesnt ever really "get it", and he is no longer willing to wait for you to get over it...a point where he feels he has paid his dues and he starts to express his extreme dissatisfaction with the the fact that you're not over it and what's your problem. Then they throw in the towel saying "I did everything you asked, and it's still not good enough", and thereby putting it all back on you!!! Of course nothing he did was good enough because he never really did the work necessary, he never really changed, he never understood the real pain he caused and he never really "got it"...but they don't get that. They think listening to you yell once in awhile, putting up with the meltdowns, and giving you crumbs here and there is all they need to do. Im sorry, but it doesnt work that way...and deep down inside you know it, the problem is he doesnt. He truly believes he can just wait it out...and so did my WH. He was wrong!







Like mine, your WH sounds very self abdsorbed. It's all about him. Everything always is, always has been and always will be. Maybe you didn't always see that, but you are begining to. I hope your WH wakes up sooner rather than later and truly starts to fight for you and your marriage, before it's too late. And like you, I so wanted my marriage to work and I truly loved my WH....so I accepted the crumbs for a very long time. It breaks my heart to see you going through the samething. Something I would not wish on my worst enemy. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and take care of YOU. You do deserve better than this...







~ CAL







"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Cindy,

Might I suggest that you print out a copy of your post and give it to Greg? Don't say anything other than you believe it would be worth his time to read this.

If you haven't implemented the 180, you may want to.

I guess Greg won't really be that surprised when you end the relationship. You have told him what you need to stay in it, and he isn't ponying up.

It is challenging enough for a BS to stay in a relationship when the WS IS doing everything right, but staying when the WS refuses to do the work--well, how happy will you be if you stay?

Not at all.

You will know when you get to the breaking point, and when you feel ready, you will take action. Take care of Cindy.

I am so sorry you are hurting.

Gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Cindy,

I totally agree with FF, print out your post and give it to him..

I do want to say that most WS DoNOT open a discussion about the A, they don't want to talk about something they did wrong.. so the issue is swept under the rug.. I know that it took my H a long time to really understand what I was feeling.. He knew I was hurt but didn't know how to deal with the hurt so did nothing.. a lot of IC helped him... all I can say is that in the recovery process time is the key as much as we want action faster.. all baby steps.. one forward.. 2 back..

Just keep working on your healing ..

(((hugs)))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Thanks again to all of you for the support,advice, suggestions and most of all the hugs and understanding, it feels very relieving to know that someone out there gets it and understands, I take ALOT of comfort in that. This forum truly has been a life saver and a life line to me, by just reading and posting, so again I thank you and appreciate the time you each take out of your lives and give back to others.

Cal you hit the nail on the head with EVERYTHING you had to say, its amazing and your right I would not wish this all on my worst enemy either, its truly the pits. I have spent hours and hours on here reading almost every post everyone has put on here believe it or not.

I read a lot of your past posts and my gosh I relate SO much, and I want to say your growth, strength and wisdom is amazing and inspiring, your loving and caring nature along with many others here is so abundantly clear, I am so sorry your husband was so foolish and numbed out to let someone like you slip away and not appreciate what a stand up, class act you are! Your story inspires me to know I can and will make it if I end up on the other side of all this.

Pat, FF, Ami and others who's WH have done the right things and truly "got it" and then "lived it" inspire me for other reasons, because maybe what seems like the impossible dream right now can happen,although I am trying to be realistic and I don't hold out a lot of hope with what I see right now, which is a whole lot of nothing, but him being "nice" and cordial and taking the "first step over and over and making excuses not to follow through, For now he's not rolling up his sleeves and really digging in and doing the work.

Cal, you can replace the "pot" with "alcohol" in my situation, Greg is for sure an alcoholic and I spent a better part of this relationship being with someone who was "numb" most of the time just about every night. I will say I am VERY proud Greg hasn't drank in a long time and hasn't turned to alcohol to cope with all that's going on between us. I do know if he started to drink again it would be a deal breaker hands down, I would leave immediately. Greg never sought any real help with his drinking problem, he white knuckled it and just put it down. Didn't deal with his alcoholism by going to AA or Counseling, I believe he did attend one or two AA meetings, but never made it a way of life or got to the bottom of all the emotions he was numbing out from. So my feeling is he took the "alcohol" out and still struggles with the "ism" part of it all, if that makes any sense.

He has looked and seeked instant gratification and what makes him "feel" good, hence another woman, or telling a lie to get what he wants, it's all about "feeling good" again never dealt with the how's and why's of it all.

Yes I believe he will do things that he feels are absolutely necessary at the time to get himself out of the jams he puts himself in, unfortunately without any help he will constantly find himself in those uncomfortable situations where confrontation is involved and he can't deal with confrontation, hates getting his feet held to the fire.
His patience level gets less and less and I can without a doubt in time bet with no real recovery on his part, I will hear those words "what more do you want" YOU need to get over it, I sold the bike or I read the book etc.
And be able to continue on with his life telling himself how much he "tried" and it just wasn't enough for me. Just the thought of that is so painful because we both know how VERY wrong and twisted it all is. I think the hard part is watching someone you truly love go down this empty path and empty lifestyle to chase what "feels good" with material things or mind altering substances such as pot or alcohol, or other woman which are usually mindless bimbos, when they have someone at home who is decent, honest, kind, faithful and most of all giving them a chance they don't deserve and to just blow it ALL off like a straw hat in a blizzard seems just crazy to me!.

In spite of what he thinks, I am sincerely not looking to have a conversation of shaming him, or going over and over what they did together, how they did it, or what he said to her, etc. I know enough to know it was all wrong and not about ME in anyway and it was all about him and how it made him "feel" and I see how truly immature and selfish it all was. It wasn't about how I acted, what I did or didn't do, how I looked etc.

The repair and recovery I was looking for is for him making a REAL honest to goodness change in his life and understand fully of what his actions have done to me and this relationship. I was looking for him to step up to the plate and make this all be about someone other then himself. For him to understand the triggers and how to deal with them, for him to be able to communicate and have some good old fashion patience for once, to be honest and a man of character and have his word mean something to me. To show and give love in a mature way. To ease my anxiety over all this, and in some way make me feel I didn't make a mistake by taking a chance of trying to make this work with him. I made it so easy too I feel, I put my feelings and needs out there, I mean he could have printed all my past emails I sent SO many in the past year with SO many feelings, chances, patience etc.., or my posts and read them over and over and learned, seeing that he saw so clearly what he was doing wasn't working. He could have Bought some books and read them. Kept a journal of his feelings or struggles or something, anything!, I mean just took this all seriously and not for granted. There are so many things or ways he could have made me feel encouraged or that I didn't waste my time or tears on all this.

FF you said:

"It is challenging enough for a BS to stay in a relationship when the WS IS doing everything right, but staying when the WS refuses to do the work--"well, how happy will you be if you stay?

NO truer words spoken.. If only he would have got that, how truly difficult it really all is, and my guess is the only way you know that is, if you have it happen to you or if you truly get help by learning, reading, posting, sharing, getting IC, or even AA in his case, I mean whatever it takes.

I knew going into to this, that none of this was going to happen overnight and going to take awhile I was willing to do that and go down this ugly road with him and stick to it no matter how tough it got, IF I saw some effort, some trying, some "baby steps" some type of consistency. Unfortunately what I saw was someone who did what was easiest for him, a lot of broken promises, lies to protect himself after claiming he knew what more lying would do, and someone very self absorbed, maybe not meaning to be "intentionally" as he always like to say, but the results were always the same watching my pain unravel over and over and "sweeping it all under the rug" after some "I love you's" & "I'm sorry's".

I am going to continue to work on my healing, and will start very soon to implement the "180" it will be hard but I have to stop this cycle and roller coaster I am on, because It's looking like I am on it alone.

I can no longer let fear and circumstances control me, I can't make all the my decisions based on what my heart feels and what is easiest for me, and what I mean by that is, honestly there are times it feels easiest to not go down that painful journey of thinking about being done for good and leaving, and wrapping my brain around what life will be like without him, because there are times I can't picture my life without him in it. So I also go back to what is easiest, a lot of times its feels better to just put that rose colored "band-aid on, of course logically I know that is a short term feeling for me and not healthy, and the pain, anger and reality always returns.

That's where self esteem comes in, I know in time I will get strong enough to climb out of this pile of $hit of emotions I find myself in the middle of. I will get stronger in time. I am so very sad he didn't see or appreciate all the sincere attempts of forgiveness I offered to him, and very sad he didn't see it as a supreme gift I offered him, even when he didn't deserve it.

The pain at times I am feeling is horrific and to say the least extremely frustrating.

I don't want to give up on myself, I feel at times its almost easiest to give up and put the blanket over my head, at times it feels easier then having to deal with it all head on and keep sucking it up. Many days I struggle to hold it together when everyone else would understand if I fell apart, if they knew the real truth, I like to feel that's where my true strength will come from in time, that I will look back and know I didn't fall apart permanently, I got broken and cracked but I held it together for the most part.
I have to keep telling myself I CAN and WILL make it through this pain and I won't feel like this forever.
I maybe should print out the post and let him read it, he may have come to the site and already read it, if he did he didn't acknowledge it, I know tonight he left the screen up on the computer and I saw he was reading some of the after affair book online. He didn't say he was reading it, I just happened to see it on the screen, I don't know if he left it there for my benefit to throw me a bone. I never know because he never broaches the subject or communicates much about it, we work together and work dominates alot of our conversation.
Time will tell if he gets it, in the mean time I have to concentrate on making my own changes with this relationship, my job and alot of other things that have been chaotic for me and that I have allowed.

Again, CAL, FF & PAT, thanks so much for being there

(((hugs))) to each of you, continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Cindy,

I am glad I helped you. I know how overwhelming and dark the pain is.

FYI, addiction, whether it is to drugs, alcohol, sex, etc., is a maladaptive coping skill. Often addicts move from one object of addiction to another. But the underlying mentality is the same. If Greg is serious about healing himself, finding out WHY he uses addiction and lying as a way of coping is important. I fear that without that knowledge, Greg will continue down this path. Sure, he may not drink anymore, but the unacceptable behaviors will continue--regardless of whether or not you maintain a relationship with him.

He CAN get better, but it is up to him to do the hard work. Change comes from the inside. A good IC could make a world of difference, but again, he will have to do the real work.

It takes a long time sometimes to get the point of seeing a WS' behavior and choices in a more objective way. Of course their having an A was devastating, but when we BS can see that the A was, indeed, all about them and not about us at all, it becomes easier to see just how troubled the WS was that s/he got involved in an A instead of working on self and primary relationship.

Working TOGETHER, a couple can heal individually and as a couple, but BOTH must do the work.

It is up to Greg to decide if he is willing to do the work, but if he is not, do NOT blame yourself or start feeling that you are unworthy or unlovable. I don't know if Greg has any kind of personality disorder, as Cal believes her H has, but sometimes people are so damaged that the relationship can't be salvaged--regardless of who the BS is.

Encouraging fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Cindy your WH sounds so much like mine. It is all about what makes him feel good at the time. He doesnt take into consideration the consequences of his actions and seeks to avoid them. So far he has never really suffered the consequences of his actions, so he has no "need" to change. And when he quit the alcohol without help Im sure he was proud of himself and he should be. Unfortunately if he never addressed the issues that went along with the behavior it was bound to come out in another way, like the A. The work needs to be done there...

I am glad that you see that you will make ith through this....that is a good sign. You are much stronger than you think (((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha