I have been reading other post and the advice and I am losing hope. So many people seem to have the same problem I am currently having with my H. The problem of feeling like they are hiding things about the affair from you and that the truth is not being shared openly and freely.
Since my discovery of the affair I have been unable to get my H to come clean about everything that happened between him and his AP. The met at work and became "friends" and not long after that an EA began. They spent a lot of time texting one another, they also would see one another everyday at work. I learned about the affair by discovering the number and frequency of the texts from our bill and eventually by getting a hold of the actual emails they were sending one another.
I had to catch them three times to get him to finally stop and even now I am not totally convince it is over, even if he is behaving differently than he was during the affair. They work together, so I know that every day that he goes to work is just another day he has the opportunity to see or talk with her without my knowledge.
The things is, I know I am not the kind of person who can wait for the other shoe to drop. Until I feel like my H is coming clean and can explain the references to doing physical things that he claims never took place, I can not find it in me to forgive him. He has demonstrated that he is remorseful and regretful of the pain he has caused me, but this one thing is driving me crazy. I can only go a few weeks before I snap and anger pours out of me.
I am working on things the best I can because of our two kids. They are 4 years and 2 years old. I am also 8 months pregnant. I feel like I have no other choice but to work on things for their sake, but I am numb and can not find any love for him in my heart.
I read once. That we accept the love, we think we deserve. And I know I deserve love better than this. I have told him that I can not take many more months of not knowing or feeling like he is still not coming fully clean about things. The baby is due in January, so I told him that I want to leave him in February to stay with my family back in Texas. This seemed to make him more motivated to work on explaining things, but he says that part of the problem is that he just can't remember. Is that possible? How can you not remember the thing you wrote even after reading them?
I use Spectro Pro 6 software on our computers to keep up with anything my husband is doing it shows emails,chats anything he is up too even porn it is a software to purchase that's how I found the truth of what was going on in my husbands secret life I knew something was up but it was a shock of how serious our problems were.Spectorsoft.com
We are rebuilding our marriage but my trust is gone and I still use the program on computers to keep an eye on him also have Gotvoice recording his voicemails on his cellphone.
It free online Gotvoice.com
I'm sorry you are going through this it is absolutely the worst trauma of my life.
I will pray for comfort for you.
I really appreciate your advice. Unfortunately, my H has the advantage when it comes to computers. He is a computer engineer. It is what he does for a living and a hobby. Putting spyware on his computer would be nearly impossible and detectable immediately.
I know that is a lot of where my mistrust is stemming from. I am unable to feel safe knowing he can hide anything he wants from me and that every day when he goes to work he could be talking to the OW and I would be none the wiser.
I had to do something highly illegal and break into the OW yahoo account to get the emails I did get and the emails from his computer I got when he (for reasons he still cannot explain) decided to log me into his work email.
I have to take him at his word if I want to work on things and that is the hardest thing I do everyday given all the lies he told me before. I feel like all these months I have spent working on things, I have just been building a better cheater.
