NewMe...remember her?? I came back after a summer of me, ready to conquer the world, full of confidence and spirit? Went back to work smiling and feeling alive.

Then there was Ka - an emotional mess. Depressed, clingy, needy, crippled by her H's A and abandonment of their marriage.

I'm turning back into her. I'm watching myself from the outside crumble and turn into a shadow of herself again and its making me cringe - yet I don't know how to get out it.

I really think I could be ok if my H just gave me some damn reassurance sometimes. If he could say some loving words, some words of confidence without my prompting. If he could just wrap his arms around me and make me feel like this is ok.

If only he could have held me that night before Thanksgiving. I would have woken up the next morning and said "bye! happy holidays" and could've been on my merry way. But no.

I feel like H is watching me crumble but cares more about himself (as always). He is doing what is good for HIM and has turned OUR process into HIS process once again. As always, I feel like he is fighting this fight without me. I know he is extremely broken himself. He cries. He hates himself. He is depressed. And he keeps me at a distance.

I feel so alone.

I don't know if you remember me or not but I have been around for about as long as you have.

I was really feeling like this last week (posted "What's the Point??) I chatted with Ami and Cattind and some of the things that they told me really helped me out and brought my self-esteem back up. They told me that I need to be the only person that I count on, to stop expecting my H to do anything basicly, that way I wasn't hurt and let down over and over again. They suggested the 180 list to me and I looked at it and realized that is what I was doing. I have spent my whole life caring more about other people's feeling than my own which left me feeling empty. Only when I got the job that I have now and realized how good at it I am that I really started believing in myself. Maybe since you were doing so good when you two were not talking and you were the only person that you were counting on that is what you need to go back to. I understand that you want to give your ammmiage a chance since he never gave you that opportunity before but at the cost of what? You are worth more than this. You came a long way by yourself. I am not trying to say to stop trying to see where you two might go but to stop putting yourself and your needs second. If he is doing this much damage to your well being maybe you need to take a step back and work on yourself for a while. Have you talked in MC about his distance?
I really understand your want for closeness with him, not sexual but just being touched, while my H was cheating and I was pregnant I felt like I was fat and undesirable and that is why he wouldn't touch me and would look disgusted if I touched him and it really killed my self image. It has taken me 2 years to get past that and I will NOT go back. For the first time in a long time I like myself and I think that he feels threatened by that, by the fact that I no longer need to look to him for validation or to feel attractive. (I hope that makes sense)
Take care of yourself, do what ever it takes for you to feel good about yourself. These are his issues not yours don't take them on as your issues or they will continue to cripple you. You obviously can survive on your own and you have proved that to yourself and your H.

I wish you luck finding the peace that you have lost, you deserve it. You are a wonderful strong woman and a saint for giving your H another chance after all that he has put you through.

Kelly

P.S. If you want to chat anytime just let me know and we can try to set up a time I usually check HH at least once a day. If you can find Ami or Cat Tind in chat they are wonderful strong ladies who helped me alot!

(((((KA))))

You are not alone..

I am so sorry that you are struggling right now.. Ka.. my advice to you is to keep your growth in mind.. you came so far.. the actions of a man who can not show any comfort for the woman he professes to love and care for.. is as you said the actions of a broken man

Please step back and look at what is happening.. once again it is all about him.. his healing ..for the relationship to work he has to have your best interest in mind..

Are you working with an IC?.. if not ,Please see one who will help YOU.. Make your H understand what you are struggling with..

just know that you are in my thoughts..

(((((hugs))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

NEW ME,

Just checking on you..

hope you are feeling better.

((((hugs)))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I agree with Pat, and I also hope you are feeling better.



I think what you are saying is you dont feel like the two of you are being partners in this, right? If he is solely thinking of himself then that would be true. Marriage is a partnership and it takes two, especially after a crisis. I have tried doing it myself and it doesnt work. He must be 100% invested in the marriage and have the ability to be your partner. He cannot do it by himself either. He needs to get that if things are going to work in the marriage. He needs to be just as concerned about you, if not more so, because he is the one who caused all this. As everyone always points out there are 3 healings going on....his, yours, and the marriages. If he doesnt help heal the marriage your individual healing will suffer as well. You need to know the two of you are in this together and he needs to do whatever it takes to prove that. He needs to step up to the plate here...sooner rather than later or it may be too late.
Until then Kelly is right....take care of YOU!



(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

~ CAL

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Thank you Kelly, Pat and Cal - I am feeling A LOT better! I think the holiday really got to me

H did come through for me over the weekend and was able to be here and be a comfort to me. Held me, spoke those words of love and kindness that I have needed to hear for so long now. I think he has been avoiding my pain and it smacked him hard in the head this weekend, seeing me so emotional and just so lost.

We are in MC - I'm in IC, he's in IC. Sometimes I do feel like I'm in this by myself and question whether or not H can be a true partner.

More importantly, I did NOT like what happened to me over the past few days and am looking forward to a session with my wonderful IC to discuss it. I know H is to blame for 99% of this but I also don't like that I become so needy that it is to the point of feeling crippling. That is something I need to work on for myself. Because I have a deep suspicion that that may follow me into any relationship. I think I need to explore it.

Thanks for your concern. I feel so thankful to have you.

((NewMe))
Those depressive times suck, don't they? I find with all the stress my PMS is so much stronger. Cortisol levels in recent bloodcheck were skyrocketing and no surprise I was suffering from insomnia..living on only 4-5 hours sleep takes its toll.
So be sure you are taking care of you first (like giving yourself oxygen mask on a plane before giving it to your kids)... Be in touch with your physical health.

You sounded refreshed in your last post...it is good that you realized what was going on...and it sounds like your H is too. Words of encouragement for one another are so important... and honesty like... "I'm feeling really down on myself right now, but I'm working on it." can make a difference. You are both working on yourselves individually as well as together. Acknowledging that it's hard..but you are both working on things is a reassurance.

Honest communication is the best thing to ask of eachother (not passive silence, or aggressive neediness)... saying "I'm feeling I need reassurance" or even saying "I don't think I can give you what you need right now, but I understand you are feeling..."
Glad you have a fantastic IC...